Chapter 11
Chase
Guilt.
It’s the only thing I feel this morning as I take a shower and get ready for work. Last night was beyond anything I ever expected to happen. It shouldn’t have happened, but Mateo felt so good underneath me when I took his ass.
But it was wrong.
He’s in a vulnerable position and was trying to commit suicide in his sleep. Despite my good intentions, all I’ve done is gone and fucked up what could have been something special. But now he’ll always just see me as another john. Only this time, he used me to get what he wanted.
And I let it happen.
Even though I know better.
How is he supposed to take me seriously now that we’ve been intimate? Would he even want to tell me anything else about his problems if we’re always just thinking about fucking again?
Dammit.
I didn’t mean to screw this up so badly. But I have. And I’ve got to fix it. I’ve got to get Mateo to talk to someone else. Someone he isn’t sleeping with. I’ve crossed a line that I can never uncross. And as much as I loved it, I should have been thinking of what was best for Mateo and not about how good my cock felt against his firm body.
How is dick felt rubbing against my...
Fuck. I’ve got to stop this. Mateo needs me to be the adult here. I need to be the one to help guide him, but all I’ve done is confuse him even more. I wish I had all day to spend with him, so he could accept the idea of talking to someone else. But I don’t. I have to go to work today. Friday was an easy day to skip because I only had one class. But my Mondays are filled with three classes and office hours, so I can’t call in again.
The house is silent when I step into the kitchen and flip on the light. I head straight to the coffee pot then pull out the coffee and a filter to begin brewing a pot. It smells like a coffee house when I hear the light patters of Mateo’s feet as he walks across the hardwood floor and into the kitchen.
“Good morning,” he says with a yawn.
“Morning,” I reply. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Mmm. I smelled coffee, and my body said I needed it. So, here I am.” Mateo laughs. It’s good to see him smiling. I just hope he stays that way after the discussion we’re about to have.
“Sit down, and I’ll pour you a cup.” Mateo drops into a chair and waits for me to serve him. I wouldn’t have expected to like the domestic nature of the moment but I do. I really do.
It’s only been a weekend, but he’s totally made himself at home. Having him here has been great. Actually, better than great. I never realized how lonely I truly was in the house by myself until Mateo came to stay with me. And wish he could stay longer. Forever. I don’t want to push it for unrealistic or unhealthy situations. I know what he needs and I can’t give it to him.
Despite last night.
“Thanks,” he says as I put a steaming cup in front of him along with a spoon. He pulls the sugar dish over and begins fixing his brew. “I slept great last night... I mean, after the nightmare.”
“That’s good. I did too, actually.” I smile at Mateo but his return grin falters when he sees the pain written all over my face. “So, listen, I have three classes to teach today and office hours. I can’t skip.”
“That’s okay,” he says. “You don’t have to babysit me.”
“The thing is, you’re welcome to stay, but I think it might be best if we get someone else for you to talk too.”
Mateo studies me carefully, putting down the cup after he takes a sip. “Oh, right. Okay.”
I sigh in frustration. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. “I... Mateo, I owe you an apology.”
He glances at me from over his coffee mug. “You don’t owe me anything, Chase.”
“I do. Please. Just let me explain.” I clear my throat of the lump forming in it. “I shouldn’t have done what I did last night. I took advantage of you and that was wrong.”
“So what you’re saying is...” He looks confused and I can’t leave him confused about this. It’s too important.
“It was a mistake. You were vulnerable... And I let my own desires get in the way of what you needed.”
“What I needed...” The confusion in his eyes has turned to hurt and it’s breaking my heart. “What I needed was you, Chase.”
“No... You need professional help. Something I can’t give you. And at your most vulnerable point, I took advantage of your weakened state.”
His features tighten up and he nods once. “Apology accepted.”
“But like I said, you can stay here for another day or two. Use the pool or whatever you want. I won’t be back until after five, so...”
“Gotcha.”
I glance down at my watch, not realizing how much time has passed since I woke up. “Shit, I’m gonna be late. Can’t have the teacher not show up.” I try to make light of the situation, not knowing how he’s really taking it. I can’t gauge anything from his expression right now, but once I return home tonight, we’ll talk more about it. I’ll even try to bring home a few names of doctors who I know will help us out.
I leave my cup in the sink and grab my bag off the counter. “See you later.” Mateo just waves as he takes another sip of his coffee. Something is gnawing in my gut but I don’t have time to address it right now. Leaving through the garage, I head out the door and hit morning traffic on my slow ride to campus.
***
“What are you talking about?” I’m trying to keep my voice calm, but I’m finding it difficult with the words coming at me from across my desk. Derrek Snarr is sitting across from me and causing my blood pressure to go sky high.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. The board should be aware of your ethical gray areas, and I’m going to make certain they do.” Snarr is a sniveling whiney ass of a man that no one in the department can stand. I try to avoid him whenever possible, but unfortunately, he cornered me during office hours today.
“Ethical gray area? I cannot believe you would even have the balls to question my ethics, Snarr. I’m very ethical in my dealings and do not appreciate the insinuation that I’ve been anything but.”
He curls his lip and sneers at me. “You don’t think using confidential responses to a student’s survey as fodder for the police is a failure in ethics?”
Dammit. I should have known that the little incident with Daniel at The Vault would cause me more drama than it should have. “If you’re talking about the situation with a student who was committing a crime, the dean is already aware of it.”
“Yes...” Snarr pauses, pretending to let his evil genius permeate the air while trying to intimidate me. Something is permeating all right...but it’s the stench of his sour, hateful attitude. “I’m sure Dean Winters does know. She’s often played in the gray area herself. I’m not surprised the two of you have tried to bury this little situation under the rug. But rest assured, I’ll make sure you’re both exposed for your poor representation of the field.”
“Are you done? I have students who need to see me.”
“Done?” Snarr chuckles but stands up, thankfully. “I haven’t even begun. And when you run like a lap dog to Dean Winters, make sure she knows the board will not be pleased with her actions either.”
“Since she sits on the board, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”
“She probably thinks she knows how to hide things. But she’s only one person on the board, and I’m sure the others will be quite interested in how you’re both playing fast and loose with this department’s and this school’s reputation.”
“Get out, Snarr.”
“Fine, but just remember I tried to warn you.” Snarr finally leaves but doesn’t take all the ick from being around him with him as he closes my door behind him. That man gives me the creeps and annoys the hell out of me all at the same time.
As soon as I’m sure he’s walked away from the door, I reach for my phone and dial. The voice on the other end greets me with the standard, “UNLV Psychology department, Dean Winter’s office.”
“Hey, Shelly, it’s Chase.”
“Well, hey there. How was your weekend?”
“Good,” I reply, not want to get into a long conversation with Shelly. She’s a very sweet woman, and any other time, I’d be happy to spend thirty minutes on the phone talking about our weekends. But I don’t have time today. “Is she in?”
“Yeah. Let me send you through. Have a good afternoon, Chase.”
“You too, Shelly. Thanks.”
After several clicks and beeps, the line finally picks up again. “Dean Winters.”
“Hi, Jessica. It’s me.”
“Hey, Chase. How are you?” Jessica Winters and I go way back. She was a senior at the college when I was a freshman, and then she became a TA during her doctoral program. We became friends over time, and she was good enough to give me a job when a spot opened at the university.
“I’ve been better...”
“I know that tone.” She chuckles. “What’s wrong?”
“I think we’re going to have a bit of a problem.”
“From what?” The sound of her voice changes as she picks up the receiver, disconnecting the speaker phone and talking straight into the mic.
“Snarr. He’s prodding into the situation we had a couple months ago with the student who was embezzling funds from his employer.”
I can almost see her rolling her eyes as she sighs into the phone. “Why is he trying to drudge that up?”
“I don’t know... Something about our ethical gray areas. I don’t know what he’s aiming for, but he’s threatening to tell the board about what happened. Or at least, tell them we divulged privileged information to the police to help in their investigation.”
“God, I wish I’d been promoted to Dean one month earlier, and I could have stopped him from being brought on as faculty. He’s nothing but a constant pain in my ass.”
Jessica usually refrains from providing commentary on fellow employees, but when it comes to Snarr, she feels like the rest of us.
“I think everyone would agree with you on that.”
“He’s worried about tenure. I don’t think he’s performed enough research during his years here to garner the support he needs to become a tenured professor.”
“Maybe he thinks he can blackmail us into giving him support.”
Jessica sighs again. “Or he’s trying to come after us so if we get canned, he’ll have a better shot at getting what he wants.”
“Do you think he’ll succeed?” I ask, suddenly worried about what this little stunt could do to my career.
“I don’t know. Let me do some digging, and I’ll get back to you. Let’s keep this between us until I can figure out what to do with him.”
“Of course, let me know what I can do to help.”
“And Chase...”
“Yeah?”
“You’re one of the most ethical people I know. Don’t let his lies get to you.”
“Thanks.”
“Talk to you soon.” She disconnects the call, and I set the receiver back down.
God, if she only knew the ethical boundary I crossed last night. Although, technically, I’m not his therapist, I was still completely out of line. I shouldn’t have let my attraction to Mateo get the best of me. I just hope I haven’t set him back in his recovery because of my selfish horniness.