Chapter 13
Chase
After my shitty day, I want nothing more than to get home and relax. Maybe Mateo will want to go out tonight. Not a date exactly, but a way for us to hang out without having his issues hanging over us. I made a few calls today and have names of three people who are fully equipped to help him through his pain.
That’s a huge burden off my mind. If Mateo is getting the mental support he needs from a professional who specializes in this kind of depression, that frees me up to be his friend. And maybe more. Not more yet, but when he’s ready, I won’t feel guilty if we decide to pursue the connection between us. In fact, I’m desperately hoping for that…
I arrive at home and my heart drops when I notice Mateo’s bike is missing. His motorcycle has only been parked on the side of my drive for a few days, but I’ve already become comfortable seeing it there.
It was almost like it belonged there.
My key slides into the lock of the front door, clinking against the tumblers as it fits into place. I turn it and open the door to an empty house. And the feeling of missing Mateo’s bike out front is nothing compared to the sudden loss that settles in my gut as I walk farther into the quiet expanse that surrounds me.
When I left this morning, I fully expected Mateo to be waiting for me when I arrived back home after work. An image of him pouring us glasses of wine and handing me one as I walked in was all too real. I even had the silly notion that he might have a meal prepared for us, despite the fact that I have literally no groceries in the house. But it was my fantasy, and I was enjoying every moment of it.
At least until this afternoon rolled around and I still couldn’t reach him. Among all the other issues I had to deal with today, worrying about Mateo wasn’t something I wanted to add to the list. I even considered cancelling my afternoon class in order to come home and check in on him. My thoughts changed horrifically to the point that I believed I might come home to his lifeless form lying on my floor.
Then he finally responds to my missed calls with texts. It’s not a perfect resolution to the issue, but at least I know he’s okay. The problem is, I don’t know he’s okay, especially if he’s running again. I try suggesting that I’ll come visit him at his new place sometime, he brushes me off, obviously through with whatever was happening between us.
And it’s all my fault.
Why was I so careless about my actions last night? Although Mateo said it’s what he wanted, sleeping with him just created a new problem...one that I don’t know if I can fix.
And now that he’s gone, there’s nothing I can do for him any longer. The burden in my heart is heavy thinking about how much I enjoyed being with him.
But my own selfish gratification cost me.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, pulling me from my morose thoughts. Johnny’s name and number flash across my screen as I answer. “Hey, Johnny.”
“Chase! I just wanted to let you guys know that Brent found Mateo’s phone in their room. He probably needs it so I can swing by in the morning if you like.”
“Mateo left.” The words seem as dry as they feel when they come out of my mouth.
“Left? I thought things were going good.”
“I thought they were too.” I drop my head back and sigh. “But I guess I read the signs wrong, or Mateo was playing a very good part. He left sometime today after I went to work.”
“Oh, damn. Well, we tried. What you did was probably more than anyone else could have done. Hopefully he’ll find what he’s looking for now.”
“Do you think he’ll go back to The Vault?” I ask, wondering if Mateo could have lied about where he was going just to keep away from me.
“I doubt it. Too much has gone down here, you know. I don’t think he’ll come back here, especially after the way he ran out of here last week. But then again, we have his money so if he calls, I’ll tell him we miss him and see what I can find out.”
“Thanks.” Yet another person I’ve let down. “And I’m sorry, Johnny.”
“Don’t be sorry, man. You haven’t done anything wrong. We both want the same thing. For Mateo to be okay... But he’s the only one who can make that happen.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Let me know if you hear from him.”
“Will do,” I reply. “Thanks, Johnny.”
Johnny’s right. Now that I’ve screwed things up, the only person who can take care of Mateo...is Mateo. After seeing him this weekend, I want to believe he’ll be okay. Start a new life for himself even. But images from that day on the bridge keep haunting me, causing me to worry that everything could change in an instant. And if things go badly, I may never see him again.
***
A knock on my office door Tuesday morning breaks me from the monotony of reading the same page over and over. I’ve been staring at this journal article for an hour and haven’t gotten past the first paragraph. I’m attempting to use in one of my classes but today isn’t the day to plan new curriculum. My focus is more on Mateo and less on the humdrum work that I used to be excited about.
I lift my head and see Jessica peeking through my door. “Hey, Dr. Ryan. Do you have a minute?”
There must be someone in the hallway, so I nod. “Of course, Dean Winters.”
Jessica winks at me as she walks in and takes a seat opposite me. “I wanted to give you a little more information about the situation we spoke of yesterday.”
“I should have known it would take something this important to get you to come down and walk among us,” I tease.
“Very funny,” she replies dryly. “But in all seriousness, Snarr’s causing a stink. I’m trying to work every angle possible to find a solution that doesn’t get us into trouble.”
“You think the board will consider what I did to be unethical?” I furrow my brows and raise my hand to my forehead. “Could this week get any worse?”
“You and I both know that what was done was in an acceptable realm of ethical standards.”
“It skirted the gray area, just like Snarr said. We both know it.”
Jessica remains pensive for a few moments. “That could be true, but it doesn’t delineate from the fact that you didn’t break any codes of conduct.”
“But you think we might have a problem with the board?”
“I think we will have a problem convincing the board not to listen to Snarr when he tries to convince them that we’ve done something wrong.”
“Can’t you just block him from reaching out to the board?” I ask, wondering why we even have to let things get that far at all.
“I could... But that would probably set off warning bells and cause even more suspicion. I’m just trying to think of a way that Snarr can hang himself in the process, which could spare us the grief of having to deal any of it.”
“I’m so sorry I got you into this mess. Seems like that’s all I’m good for lately.”
“How do you mean?” Jessica looks at me with a different kind of concern. This is personal.
“It’s nothing. Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this week.” I comb a hand through my hair and try to shake off my grief. “So, what’s our next move?”
Jessica is thoughtful as she leans back in the seat. “Well, the board meets Friday, so we don’t have a lot of time. I may have to reach out to the chairman and explain what happened and why Snarr wants to address them.”
“Do you think it will help?” I press my fingertips against my head again, massaging my temples to relieve the headache building behind my eyes.
“I don’t know. I think any move we take right now is a bit of a gamble. We’ve just got to keep Snarr calm this week and try not to give him a reason to approach them on his own. That buys us until Friday to figure out the best course of action.”
I nod, letting Jessica’s experience take the lead in this situation. “Which means I need to avoid him at all costs because the way I’m feeling now, I’ll probably do something I’ll regret.”
“Which is why,” Jessica says as she stands, “I also plan on staying behind closed doors in my office for the rest of the week. You know how to reach me if you need me.”
“Thanks, Jessica.”
“We’ll get past this, Chase. We always do.”