Chapter 9
Chase
Spending the past few days with Mateo has actually been fun. We’ve watched movies, played video games, made s’mores on the grill when he admitted he’d never had one before…and we talked.
He’s been more forthcoming about his time at The Vault in general, but he hasn’t opened up about the real root of his nightmares. I think we’re close, but we’re not there yet. And I need to go to work tomorrow morning, so it’s time for us to make some decisions about what the next steps will be.
Truthfully, I like having him around. If I thought I could give him what he needs to get better, I’d love for him to stay. But the more time that I spend with Mateo, the less I trust myself around him. Every time he smiles, deep dimples appear in his golden cheeks, and I catch myself staring at him. And since he likes to swim, he spends a lot of time in nothing but wet shorts that cling to his muscular thighs, not to mention giving me teasing glances at his long cock.
At first, it was easy to ignore my attraction to Mateo because I was worried about him. But we’ve had such a good time this weekend, I think he’s moved past the dark place he was in just a few days ago. There’s a certain peace and playfulness in Mateo that he’s truly embracing.
And it’s fucking adorable.
He smiles at butterflies and giggles when he kills me during a video game. But I’m not naïve enough to think he’s cured. He hasn’t addressed any of the issues that got him to the point of sitting on the ledge of that bridge a few days ago. And I’m afraid that if we don’t address them soon, something unexpected could trigger another episode like the one he had at The Vault.
So as much as I don’t want to, I think it’s time to press him for answers. Because whether he stays here a few more days, goes back to The Vault, or goes into some kind of treatment facility, I won’t be able to rest until I know he no longer holds any thoughts of harming himself.
When the doorbell rings, I stick my head out the back door to let him know dinner is here then rush to the front to tip the delivery driver. The noodle house at Planet Hollywood is one of my favorite places for chow mein, but I hate dealing with the traffic involved with getting anything done on the strip. That’s why I always have it delivered.
I’ve got the food plated and a bottle of wine open by the time Mateo runs downstairs in dry clothes. When we went shopping for hiking gear, we picked up a few outfits, so he wasn’t stuck in my clothes all weekend. But I guess he didn’t mind that too much.
I have to hold back a smile when I realize he’s wearing my 49ers t-shirt instead of one of the shirts we picked out for him.
“Oh, eggrolls. My favorite.” He drops into his usual chair and takes a bite of a crunchy roll.
“Mine too. Which is why I only order them when I can share. Otherwise, there’d be a lot more of me to love.” I wink and pat my belly.
Mateo’s eyes linger on my torso before he slowly meets my gaze with a smirk. “I’d say there’s plenty to love right now.”
My jaw drops, and I furrow my brow. “Are you calling me fat?”
Mateo almost chokes on his eggroll. “God no. Not at all.”
I fake indignation and give him a side eye. “Then what do you mean?”
“I don’t know.” He sighs and looks away. “You’re just...easy to love or whatever.”
What? I know he doesn’t mean that literally, but I don’t know how to respond. No words come to mind that can ease the tension hanging over us, so I just nod and take a bite, focusing on my food while waiting for the perfect moment to ruin our night.
***
We eat without a lot of talking. Just some chit chat about the food but nothing deep. Nothing like our usual conversations. But we both know what’s coming.
We quickly clean up, and then I pull a bottle of Chardonnay from the fridge and nod toward the back patio. “Let’s go talk.”
Mateo sighs in resignation. He knows exactly what I mean by that. “Whatever you say.”
We sit on the same lounge chairs we fell asleep on just a few nights ago and watch as the sun drops below the horizon.
When I can’t put it off any longer, I finally go for it. “I have to go to work tomorrow.”
Mateo takes a sip from his glass without looking at me. “I’ll be out of here by morning.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” I reach over and rest my hand on his bicep. His eyes flutter closed for just a second before he turns to look at me. “We can’t pretend everything is all better, Mateo.”
“I’m not pretending, Chase. You asked for the weekend. We had a great time. It’s time for me to go.”
“Where will you go? Do you really think you’re ready to go back to The Vault?”
Mateo barks out a laugh. “No. I’m done. Tanner can keep his money, but I’m not going back.”
The relief I feel is stronger than I expect. But I am really glad he’s not going back to work there. “So what, then?” I release his arm to give him some space. I don’t want to come on too strong.
His eyes follow my hand then he crosses his arms over his chest and stares out at the hills. “I don’t know yet. I have a few ideas, but I haven’t made any firm decisions yet.”
His tone is casual, but I can’t tell if it’s sincere.
“I’ve really enjoyed spending the weekend with you,” I whisper.
Mateo gives me a soft smile. “Me too.”
“I wish I were the kind of doctor who could help you. But I’m not.”
“You are, Chase. You’ve helped me a lot, whether you believe it or not.”
I scoff and pound my fist on my thigh. “I haven’t done shit for you, Mateo. You won’t even tell me about what’s haunting you so deeply. That’s the very definition of a terrible psychologist.”
He rolls his eyes at my dramatics. “Remember when you asked why I cared about the people I’d be leaving behind?”
I twist the stem of my wine glass between my thumb and forefinger without meeting his gaze. “Of course.”
“When I thought about it, there really weren’t very many people I cared about.” Mateo reaches over and places his hand on mine to still my action. “But that’s not true anymore. In just these few days, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to leave anything for you to deal with. And if I tell you a bunch of shit you don’t really want to hear, that’s just more shit for you to carry with you. I’ve already been a burden to you, but when I leave here, I’ll take all traces with me. If I leave you with my drama, you’ll always carry that with you. Trust me, you don’t want it.”
I slide my legs off the lounge and sit upright. “Please, Mateo. Share that burden with me. I can help you carry it. I promise not to judge or think of you differently. I just want to help you.” I place my hand on his thigh. “Actually help you.”
Mateo sits upright too with his knees touching mine and our faces just inches apart. His chocolate brown eyes lock on mine, shifting between the two as his head bobs subtly with determination. “You really want this?”
“Yes.”
“I killed my mother.”
I don’t know how to respond, so I merely nod and hold his gaze.
“And five other people.”
“Tell me what happened.” My heart is racing as I expect to hear about a car accident or some other tragedy that Mateo holds himself responsible for.
“And then I set the house on fire and never looked back.”
Shit. That’s not what I was expecting to hear.
He must be able to read some of the shock on my face because he snorts and leans away from me. “Told you you didn’t want to hear it. And before you start planning your phone call to the authorities, just know it’s too late. It happened a long time ago, in a place far from here. And no one even knew I was alive, so there’s no story to tell.”
I reach for both of his hands and clasp them together in mine. “Mateo, please. Tell me what happened.”
“My mom was a junkie and a whore. I don’t know which of her tricks knocked her up, but from the time I was about four years old, her and I were usually sold as a package deal. Sometimes they’d want her first, and when they were done, they’d give her enough money to go buy her next fix while they got to play with me.” Mateo shrugs as if the situation he’s describing is an everyday occurrence. “But as I got a little bit older, they just gave her the money upfront and sent her out for a few hours while they got to play with their special boy.”
My chin drops to my chest as I try to hold back the anger brewing inside me. “Keep going.”
“Yeah, it did keep going. Every fucking day of my life until I was twelve. That’s when I finally had the balls to get the hell out of there.”
He pauses for a long moment, so I look up to make sure he’s comfortable continuing. His face is a mask of hatred, not directed at me but at the people who hurt him.
“That’s when I found a gun. Fully loaded. Just enough bullets to get me the fuck out of there. I went room by room, shooting each one of those fuckers in the head until there was only one bullet left. It’s actually kinda sad.” Mateo laughs, but there’s nothing funny about what he’s saying. “I was just as much of a fucking pussy then as I am now. I held that gun in my mouth for a good hour, too afraid to pull the trigger. Finally, I took some lighter fluid from the kitchen and doused that place before dropping a match.”
I know I’m supposed to say something, but I have no idea what. I want to tell him he did the right thing and that I’m proud of him. But I don’t think that’s what he needs to hear right now, so I merely nod and stay quiet.
“I grabbed whatever cash I could find on my way out and started walking. I never went to school, and rarely left the house, so I didn’t know where to go. I only knew what I’d seen on TV. Eventually, I ended up in downtown Miami. A couple of older guys worried I was invading their territory, so instead of trying to drive me out, they took me under their wing. Manny was my first pimp.” Mateo laughs again. “No, I guess my mom with my first pimp, and Manny was my second. I was with him for three years before starting to work my way across the country. Finally made it to Vegas about a year ago.” He shrugs and looks at the gentle movement of the pool. “That’s the whole damn story.”
Fuck, how do I respond to that. I want to just hold on to him forever, but I know that’s not the right response right now. I just don’t know what is. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Mateo.” When he doesn’t look at me, I slip my thumb under his chin and nudge him so he’s forced to see me. “You did not deserve that then, and you don’t deserve that now. You were strong and brave and smart to get out when you did. You overcame a horrific situation that would have broken most people. And you will overcome it again.” I put both of his hands up to my mouth and kiss his joined knuckles. “I promise you will.”
Mateo only lets me hold him for a second before gently pulling his hand back and standing up. “I think I’m going to turn in. I’ll be ready to leave when you are.”
“Mateo…”
He doesn’t stop or turn around as he heads toward the house. “Good night, Chase.”