Chaos swirls inside of me as I stand in Adriana’s home, surrounded by her friends. A man does not want to hear his wife scream for him to take his hands off her. Not when he’s waited so long to touch her, feel her again. I should have listened to what Mason told me on the way here. Should have given her time.

“This isn’t what the doctor had in mind when he told you to go home and rest,” Mason huffed out with frustration as he climbed into his truck.

“I haven’t rested in years. It’s the last thing on my mind right now.” I would have much rather had Hunter be with us to help me explain, but the man had to fly back to New York. He still had a job to do, and there were very few people who knew about the vineyard. For everyone’s safety, we needed to keep it that way. Plus, Christmas was a few weeks away. He had a family to be with, and so did I, damn it. I’d be damned if I spent another Christmas without my wife.

“I’m not the one you should be worrying about, Mason, and you know it. Resting isn’t high on my priority list. She is. I won’t rest until I have her back,” I told him for the umpteenth time, adding the last part in hopes he’d quit nagging. I rested my head back and closed my eyes. The doctor had wanted me to stay a few more days to allow the right side of my body to heal. Nothing had been broken in the accident except my fucking heart over the fact of not seeing her yet again on our anniversary.

Hunter had told me everything that happened when he went to see Adriana after the doctor came in and explained my injuries. A mild coma, which they monitored through drugs, making sure I stayed still to allow my bruised ribs to heal. Five fucking days was long enough for me to stay still and contemplate what I was going to say to her. In front of an audience, no less. Not what I had planned at all. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say. It depended on her reaction to seeing me.

I chuckled to myself several times on the drive over for the reason that I shouldn’t be planning on seeing my wife at all. I should be able to walk right into our home. Pick her up and kiss the living hell out of her. I doubted I’d be able to see if her lips still felt as soft as I remembered; not for a long time, if fucking ever. I refused to believe that once she was over the initial shock after I explained everything to her, that she wouldn’t understand why I did what I did. Believing was all I had left.

Of course, I’d considered to give her time instead of going to her the minute I was released. I lay in bed after everyone would go home in the dark trying to wrap my head around how she must feel.

I knew she was pissed and hurt. She had every right to be. When you added confused into the mix, it was a whole other level when it came to Adriana. She might tell me to get the fuck out, or she might break. My guess would be both. I knew her, and there was no amount of time that would change the woman she was on the inside. I had a permanent reminder of the look on her face burned in my brain the night I watched her in her studio. She wasn’t happy or sad. She was stuck back in time the same way I was.

We’d had a future, but it vanished without warning. I’d left her with broken promises and shattered dreams. Where I’d had nothing but time to enclose the short life we were able to share together, to cherish it, hold on to it, and remember it with fondness, she’d had time to hate me for walking out that door. To seal her guilt inside of her and give up. I’d crumbled her to the lowest point she could go. I knew I had, and she didn’t know which way to go anymore.

I’d ignored the way my chest constricted every time I thought back to when I found out she refused to come see me the night of the accident. My wounded heart was aching much worse than the bruised skin up and down my side.

“I’m telling you once again, man, you need to give her more time. She has to still be in shock, Blake. Even Daniel told you when he came to see you. She’s not holding up well.” Every time he told me this, it was another blindsided sucker punch to the gut. I knew she would experience every reaction he’d repeatedly told me. Didn’t make hearing it again any better than it did the first time. Wouldn’t make my heart beat with excitement when she saw me either. In fact, I had an unsettling feeling my friend was right. It was a damn good thing I loved the asshole, or I’d have been punching him in his pretty boy face.

Daniel had showed up yesterday and again an hour or so ago. We followed him to Adriana’s house. He stood in the hallway and stared me down. Quite angrily, I might add. His protective glare struck me hard. He shouldn’t be the one shielding Adriana from anything. Especially me. He was doing it now. Claimed he thought it would be in her best interest if he was there when she first saw me. Even though he was right, it pissed me off even more.

I will say I had been glad to see my old friend, and after several hours of talking with him before the nurse finally kicked his ass out because she demanded I get some rest, he understood. Said he would look at the file with Heidi to help prepare Adriana for when I came by. When we spoke right before leaving the hospital, he said Adriana still hadn’t looked at it. In fact, he said she hadn't spoken a word at all. Hadn’t eaten a thing in days and had barely gotten off her couch. I had to get to her. She needed me, and that was all I cared about.

“I know she is. I’m worried about her. I can’t stay away from her any longer. She’s suffered enough. I’ve told you this.” I glanced his way. When he’d first met her, he’d had no idea that the Adriana he was interested in was my Adriana. I’d wanted to take my frustration out on him. But then he’d told me she’d come by the night of the accident and spilled her guts out to him over a few glasses of wine and dinner, and he’d known right then who she was. Couldn’t believe the irony of it.

When Hunter had called Mason after he had been released from the emergency room that night to let him know what was going on, Mason had told him he was with her. Hunter told Mason he was coming to her and asked for him to keep her with him as long as he could. He did, then he took her home before he came to sit beside me.

“And I told you I agree with you. You didn’t see her face when she started telling me everything she’s been through. The woman is a rock. I haven’t met anyone as tough as she is, except you. Doesn’t mean she’s ready for this, though, man,” Mason replied while keeping his eyes on the road.

Mason Landers was in the same situation as I was. The difference between him and me was, he didn’t give two fucks if the people from his past found him or not. He’d turned on his entire family for robbing a bank. Some of them were in prison, some were dead, and the others ran their scared little asses back to Germany. He didn’t have a woman he was dying to get back. Adriana was the first woman he admitted he had been interested in getting to know. He was fucking lucky he had a big goddamn mouth and told Hunter about her, or I would have killed him if he’d laid a finger on Adriana.

“She’s stronger than she realizes,” I added before drawing in a sharp breath when I saw the winery up ahead. “Fuck. No matter what happens today, I can’t believe I’m about to be in the same room as she is,” I said as I twirled my wedding ring I finally got back on my finger. They had taken it off in the emergency room in case I needed surgery. I had never been more grateful to get something back in my life. Now, if the woman who put it there came back to me, I’d never take another thing for granted as long as I lived.

I sat up straight and grimaced from the ache in my leg. Goddamn bruises were worse than a break. Swear to hell they were. Not that I’d broken many bones in my life. A few toes and fingers, and they held nothing like the pain on the side of my body that was covered in bright shades of black and blue from my shoulder to my ankle. It hurt like a motherfucking bitch.

We pulled into her drive, climbed out, and I grabbed hold of the door handle to steady myself. I couldn’t believe she lived here. I’d admired this place a few summers ago when it had been built.

“She’s going to slice you open, and you deserve it. I’m warning you now, Heidi will leave if she feels she thinks it’s right. If she doesn’t, whatever happens, it will have to be done in front of everyone. I’m not on your side once we step through this door. You might think you know your wife; I’m standing here telling you right now that you don’t. She isn’t the same woman, Blake. She’s gutted to her core. There’s barely a shred of her left. She’s a fighter, but she’s losing the war raging inside of her. You give her the space she needs if she asks, but you do it without leaving her again, or I swear to fucking God I’ll kill you.” I nodded. Any words left to be said would be said to her. After everything she’d been through, I was thankful she had Heidi and Daniel.

My heart began slamming against my chest with every step I took. My hands shook when the door opened, and my heart beat steadily when I saw her right there in my line of sight. My first glimpse of her up close split me in half when I heard her angry voice yelling at Heidi. My heart broke that steady rhythm and condemned itself to hell. Adriana was telling her how much she wanted me to feel her pain. I’ve felt it, baby, I wanted to say. I’ve felt it for a long time now. I’m smothering in it. Trust me.

I’d broken her trust in me in the worst conceivable way. Her bitter words sliced right through me. They cut so deep that I should have listened when they’d all told me to give her time. All I’d ever wanted for Adriana was to see her happy. The woman who seconds ago stood with her back to me wasn’t happy because she’d found out I’m alive. She wasn’t standing in front of the door with eyes that wanted to devour me like she used to. No, her entire body was shaking with the pain of abandonment.

I flinched when she slapped the file out of Heidi’s hands. I cringed after I caught Heidi’s desperate eyes when Adriana bent down to pick something up. Heidi was wordlessly screaming for help.

Reluctantly, I nodded my head when Heidi’s eyes screamed and begged me to wait a minute longer before making it known I was there. I stayed glued to my spot, dying. But so was Adriana. I knew her mind was racing and her heart was breaking. She would never listen to me if she was this angry.

I blinked exhaustedly and dragged my attention out the front window, taking a chance I’d catch a glimpse of her face. She stiffened. Our eyes locked briefly, and without warning, she crumbled to the floor. My feet shuffled to her in long, suffering strides.

“Get your hands off me!” she screamed so loud when I placed a shaky hand on her shoulder that I backed away, then a woman I didn’t recognize dropped to her knees beside us. She pulled Adriana into her arms, helped her off the floor, and guided her out of the room. She was out of my sight just like that.

The silence coming from everyone rings loud in my ears. It’s not until Heidi starts sobbing that I collect myself enough to stand and sit on the couch. Defeated. I did this to her. Me.

“If you don’t make her understand why you did this, then I swear on everything holy I will kill you myself. She needs you more than she’ll admit, and for the record, I’m not happy with the way you handled this, but I understand why you did. Tell her I’m next door if she needs me.” The words Heidi speaks through her strangled cries have me chuckling when none of this is funny. Those two are so much alike and get along perfectly. Whereas Adriana and I, we’re complete opposites. We got along, though. Better than most people I knew. Better than I ever would have expected. I nod at her the same way I did at Daniel. I continue to stand in Adriana’s living room long after I hear the click of the door shutting. I lift my head from the pile of papers on the floor to see everyone gone. Including my ride. My heart halts when the woman who took Adriana away seconds before comes down the hallway, her face twisted in pain. She doesn’t look at me. She merely grabs her coat, slips on a pair of boots, and exits. She’ll need to be talked to about this just like we did with Daniel.

I need to see Adriana. Be close to her. Make sure she’s alright. But I simply can’t move right now. I’m not sure what I expected to see when I came here. It definitely wasn’t her leaving the room without even looking at me. I know I should walk away from her right now and give her the time she needs. And now, as I stand here wondering if I should stay or go, Daniel’s word hit me full force, and before I even register what I’m doing, I’m shoving every last bit of the four years of my life back into the file. Then I’m slipping off my shoes, placing them by the door, and walking down the hallway toward the faint, heartbreaking cries.

Adriana has always felt guilt; now she’s dealing with betrayal. It’s obvious she still has no idea why I did what I did. I’m not sure what to talk to her about first.

I stop in my tracks outside of the doorway to what has to be her bedroom. My God, she’s a vision as her tiny frame lies curled up on her bed, her hair a disheveled mess, her eyes swollen and worn. Even in the midst of her despair, she takes my breath away. Those lips I want to kiss are quivering. Her shiny hair is captivatingly making my fingers itch to pull it out of that mop on top of her head and get lost in it. I want to feel it. Smell it. I need to feel her in my arms, to take away her pain and fill her life with nothing but sunshine. I want to make all of this better for her and for her to see me. The real me. I want to get down on my hands and knees and tell her that no matter how much time has passed, I’ve not once, not one second stopped loving her. When it comes to Adriana, I just want.

Her body stiffens when she sees me. The tears continue to stream down her face. Every part of my body aches with unbearable pain. A set of frozen, iced-over daggers latches on to mine, poking and prodding through my soul. The hurt covers me with a divider I never wanted, adhering to my skin. All I want is to put my arms around her and never let her go, live the rest of my life by her side as her husband. I want to honor, cherish, and carry on the vows we made to each other.

I’m an open book of wants.

There was a time when I would hold her, wipe all those tears away, and now she’s looking at me as if I’m a stranger to her. As if she’s trying to decide if the man she’s seeing is real. I can’t blame her for that. I’m feeling the same way; only, I know she’s as real as she’s going to get, as vulnerable as I’ve seen her, and punishing me without even knowing she’s doing it.

She’s every damn thing and more than I expected her to be if I were to see her again. She’s stunning. A perfect individual who is reaching out for help without even asking. I won’t move, speak, or do a damn thing until she asks me to. I’m not giving up, not when my entire life has a mental hurricane spinning out of control inside of her.

“When Hunter first told me you were alive, I thought he was losing his mind because I believed you loved me enough to never betray me,” she whispers through her sobs. “But you did, didn’t you? Skip past the reason why you put me through hell. I gave up on saving myself, so I could stay strong in order to save my sister, but you know about that, too, don’t you? You know about my grandmother. You know everything there is to know about me, yet I know nothing about you. The man I married is a Goddamn fraud. The man I married put my heart through a shredder, ripped it to pieces and destroyed me.” The pain in her voice pierces me instead of bringing me calm. Her breath catches, her sobs continue, and I still stand there like the betrayer I am. She has never been more wrong and right at the same time in her life. She does know me. With her, I’m the same man she fell in love with. When I’m with the people I’ve spent the past four years with, I’m the fraud; at least by name, anyway.

I know this isn’t an ordinary fight between married couples. It’s much worse. It’s the ultimate betrayal. A deceiver’s double-edged sword that’s stabbed both of us. The thing is, I do know everything about Adriana. I know she’s not even close to being done with chewing my ass out. I deserve it all. Everything she throws at me and more. I’ll stay put inside this doorframe with my hands shoved in my pockets until I know she’s done. Because I know this, too; if I take one more step toward her, she’ll be in my arms, and as wrong as it is to think this way right now, I can’t be in bed with her. I’m a man who has missed his wife in more ways than one.

She lies there with one hand shoved under a pillow, the other one wiping her eyes. Watching. Waiting for a response from me and so damn beautiful all the air in my lungs evaporates. It’s as if she’s lost in a trance. She has no fucking idea how much I want to take the lost little girl I see and find her. To bring her back to me where she belongs.

“I loved you. Did you know that? You were everything to me, Blake. Everything. Why didn’t you love me enough to tell me what was going on? That’s the hardest thing for me to understand. Love isn’t supposed to be ripped out from under you by the person you trust the most. Our love wasn’t the kind to be betrayed. Our love wasn’t the kind to put guilt and blame on the other. You loved me, and I loved you. Why wasn’t that enough? Why isn’t love ever enough for anyone?” She’s begging me to answer a question I don’t know how to answer with words. Not yet anyway.

“Please take a look at the file, Adriana.” God, it feels good to say her name while looking at her, even if the phrase that comes with it isn’t what I had in mind when speaking it first.

“I need you to leave,” she says sternly. Her eyes are no longer looking at me. It hurts more than I ever thought possible to hear her say those words. I’m scared if I walk out her door, she won’t allow me back in, but I’m not going to push her into having a conversation she isn’t ready to have. No matter how much we both are holding each other’s broken hearts in our hands. She’s getting a few days to absorb this, and that’s it.

“Love is the reason why I did this, Adriana. Once you realize that, you’ll understand that love has always been enough when it came to you and me. It will always be enough. Falling in love with you is the only thing that made sense to me. It’s the only thing that has ever felt right. It’s everything to me. Your love and mine. There isn’t a thing that will change that. Not one damn thing.”

I see right through her; everyone does. Her heart is crying out for help. The strong woman who's carried around so much weighted-down guilt on her shoulders believes she’s unfixable when she’s far from it. All she needs is a push in the right direction. Toward me.