As we sit in the warmth of Blake’s truck, my eyes shifting to the small, plotted area that holds my family’s final resting place, my nerves jump to my throat. Not over what I’m about to do; it’s because it’s well past this place’s closing time, it’s dark, and we’re back in the state where our lives unraveled. My stomach shifted with every car that passed us, and the closer we got to New York, the more restless I became. It wasn’t until we pulled into Hunter’s home late last night that I started to relax. The fear of those men finding us disappeared when Blake took hold of my hand and swore up and down they have no suspicions he’s alive. I wasn’t about to ask questions. I’m over living in the past. Over a life without him, and most importantly, I’m over my fear.

Staying with Hunter gave me the opportunity to apologize to him. And just like the loyal man he is, he accepted.

I’m not pregnant either. I started my period the day before yesterday. Which, in light of everything we’ve been through and the adjustment lying ahead of us, we’re both okay with. Our family will grow when the time is right. I believe that as much as I believe in us.

“I’m proud of you.” I’m not about to tell him he doesn’t have to be proud of me. Especially when what I have to do has been a long time coming. More importantly, this is a time when I can say I’m proud of myself, too. It took the words of this unselfish man to make me see that this is something I need, and it couldn’t wait another day.

I don’t feel burdened down with guilt anymore. I woke up the day after Christmas feeling lighter, happier, and for the first time in many years, free.

And what better time than New Year’s Eve to let go and start a life I never thought would be possible?

Blake and I have spent most of this past week talking. While some of it was done in bed, a lot of it was done while we moved his clothes and personal items into my house. He shifted his office to the house, hung up the collage I made him on one of the walls, and tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of our lives.

Even though it hurts us both whenever we think of the years that were stolen from us, we both understand there isn’t a thing we can do to change it. What we can do, what we can focus on, is making our future what we want it to be. And that is for both of us to be happy. For our dreams to come true.

I’ve made peace with myself, and now I’m breaking off the last piece of the barrier that’s weighed me down for the past ten years.

“I’m proud of you, too, you know.” I squeeze his hand I’ve been holding, release it, and meet him halfway for a brief kiss. I may not be able to see his smile through the darkness, but I can feel it, sense it, and know he’s proud of himself as well. “It hasn’t been quite a month yet, and look how far you’ve come. You went from a bitter man who disliked himself to a man who has forgiven himself for making a decision that caused those you loved pain.” He doesn’t have to acknowledge he hated himself. I know he did. Our circumstances may have been entirely different, but I’ve disliked myself for a long time, too. I’ve blamed and shamed myself for things that were out of my control. I’ve seen the look on his face when we sat staring at the morning view of the vineyard. He would be deep in thought. A lonely past flitting through his eyes one minute, and the next they would light up. Just like me, he was planning a future. A reality only lived in dreams.

“I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if you hadn’t forgiven me first. We’re going to make it and come out of all this stronger than we were before. I love you so much. Go do what you need to do, so I can take my wife home. I’m here if you need me.”

The crisp air bites around my ears, causing my teeth to chatter as I step out of the truck. The snow crunches under my feet. The darkness is mystifying, the moon sheltered underneath the gloomy clouds. While blackness surrounds me and my heart grows heavier with every step I take toward the resting place of the woman I have to set free, my heart feels lighter. My chest isn’t weighing me down, and my mind is clear.

“The entire drive here I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to cry when I came to see you. You and I have cried enough, and yet I see your beautiful name etched into this marble stone, and I can’t help it,” I say before dropping to my knees in the deep snow. My voice is wobbly. My entire body is full of anxiety and despair.

“I’m going to cry, possibly sob, but you’re going to listen to me this time, Alexis. Do you hear me?” I bow my head inhaling a lungful of frigid air. “I miss you, Alexis. I miss you so much that I used to blame myself for you not being here. But you see, I can still miss you without casting blame on myself, you, or anyone. I can forgive you without having to forget you.” I choke out a laugh. “I had this speech prepared in my head. All these big words with which I was going to scold you, ask you how you could choose something harmful over me, and yet none of those thoughts, none of those words are in my head. Every last one of them is gone. Gone in the same way you are.” I turn my head to where Blake is now standing next to his truck. And even though it’s dark, he’s still out in the open. Visible. Sacrificing again. For me.

“Sisters are there for each other in the good times, but they’re also there in the times when we need them the most. I was there for you every time. I devoted most of my twenties to you. Whenever I got caught up in your world, I forgot how to live, Alexis. I forgot how to breathe. That’s what a sister does, though, isn’t it? She sacrifices her own happiness, and as your sister, I’m reminding you of that. I would do it all over again, Alexis, because I love you and you love me. You will always be my precious older sister. My memories of you are deep within me. The girl who tried so hard to accomplish things that meant something to her. The woman who became aggravated when she couldn’t, but you failed to see one thing.” I give way to the enormity of my grief, sobbing into the gloves on my hands, the tears flowing freely now. They aren’t forced by anger; they're required. Vital for me to follow through with what’s essential to my soul.

“The drugs may have taken over the sister I once knew, but when the time came when I needed you, you came back to me, and that, Alexis, was your biggest accomplishment of all. You were there for me when I lost my baby. You cleaned me up. You took me to the doctor. I blocked most of that time out until Blake told me everything and it all came rushing back, Alexis. I knew you were there, I knew you took care of me, but I forgot about the things you said. You told me I was going to be happy again. You made me laugh when you said my happiness was going to sink into my bones and shake me all about. I am happy again. More than I thought possible. You know that already, though, don’t you?” I grip at the clutch in my hands. I may not need it for strength anymore, as my strength comes from within myself. The guilt, blame, and remorse from not being able to save her washes away with each tear that falls. “Your soul is free; your beautiful spirit is soaring. I’m letting you go.” I begin to cry one last time, each gasp tearing down my throat, and my heart begins to settle from finally being able to let her go. It’s a cleansing not fueled by anger but one fueled by the love I will always have for the woman who lost sight of who she was.

“I’m not going to cry anymore. What I am going to do is let you go so you can rest in peace. I forgive you, and I will always love you.”

I stand, brush off the snow, and begin to walk toward my future. My husband.

“You okay?” he asks, pulling me straight into his arms. I lay my head over his chest, where I listen tentatively to the sound of his beating heart.

“I have one more thing to say before I can be whole again,” I say, keeping my head right where it is. He doesn’t stiffen; he doesn’t talk. He listens.

“Through all the bad times with Alexis, you never once faltered in your feelings for me. You never asked me to make her leave. You never put the weight on my shoulders to make a choice. You never stopped being my light. You never stopped loving me, Blake. Thank you for never stopping to want to come back to me.”