“Thanks again for walking me home, for listening and understanding tonight, Mason, I mean it. You and I are going to be great friends.” I laugh, slide my key in the lock, lean up, and kiss his cold cheek.

“Anytime, Adriana. I mean that.” He smiles. Genuinely. I haven’t smiled this much in a long time, and I owe it all to him.

“It’s not safe to drive. I’m glad you’re crashing over there. Good night,” I whisper before I open the door, closing it behind me, and fall to the floor. I’ve never told anyone my entire life story all in one day before. It’s mentally exhausting.

Earlier today, I had rationally talked myself into going over there, and if Mason was working, I was going to say yes if he asked me out again. It all came crashing down on me when I took my first sip of wine. Mason wasn’t my husband. There was no way I was going to tell another man I would go out with him when years ago to the date I became someone else’s wife.

It was a beautiful Saturday evening on December 12th^th. The winter air was chilled, and the view from Blake’s teenage bedroom window was breathtaking as I stared into the backyard of Hunter’s home.

The lights twinkled through the trees, casting a silvery sparkle as the snow began to fall to the ground.

I dabbed my eyes as I prayed for Alexis to hold it together this one night. That she would prove to me she loved me, and she would give for a few hours instead of taking more from me in my short lifetime.

Blake and I wanted a small, intimate wedding. Our families. Our close friends. Co-workers. The important people in our lives to celebrate the first day of many with.

I jumped when someone pounded on the door. “You look beautiful, Adriana,” my sister said as she smiled at me. God, she’s been gone for a half hour. Please don’t let her be high.

“Thank you, so do you.” I internally sighed when I studied her movements. Alexis looked stunning in her purple strapless gown, her hair up, her eyes clear. She wasn’t high. Her words weren’t slurred. Her body wasn’t swaying. She reminded me of the sister I had lost, the one I hoped I would soon again find. Even then I knew it wouldn’t last for long. All I could hope for was for her not to make a fool out of herself at my wedding.

“Heidi and Grandma are all set to walk down the aisle. Are you ready?” I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.

“Yes.” I picked up my bouquet of purple tulips and made my way to her. She grabbed my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, and spoke the cruelest and kindest words she had said to me in a long time.

“I don’t deserve to be your maid of honor. I don’t deserve to walk you down the aisle. I don’t even deserve for you to call me your sister. But I am. I will never forget this day in my life, Adriana. You deserve that man down there waiting for you. You deserve happiness. I love you.” She did deserve it. She was my family. My sister. My blood. I would do anything to make her see the light. But not today. This was my day, and for once I was going to enjoy it.

I contemplated my words carefully. I had waited so long for her to tell me she loved me instead of saying how much she hated me. I could have buckled to the floor, cried. I wasn’t going to. This was my wedding day.

“Yes, you do. You deserve to have it all. You have to want it, Alexis. I love you, too. We’ll get through life together. I promise. Just take me to Blake. Get me to him. All I want right now is to be his wife.”

I thought today was going to end wonderfully, yet one special memory has made me lose my mind. I’ve blocked and bottled them up for so long that with each gasping breath I take, another one drags me down. I hate the man who left me. I hate the way I feel. I can’t seem to shake him no matter how hard I try.

I need help. Not from Heidi or Daniel. Professional help. A doctor to make me understand why I cannot shake him, why my dead husband is the driving energy behind the fact that I can’t seem to allow myself to say yes to a man when he asks me out on a date. I’m crazy. That’s what it is. Crazy and in love with a man who doesn’t exist anymore. I despise feeling these walls that are holding my heart hostage. They should be blasted down by a man who won’t walk away from me. Demolish them and safeguard my heart.

And yet, here I am on the floor, remembering a day that should be a happy one, a day that meant everything to me. My sister was shining that day, so beautiful, so radiant and attentive. My husband swept me into his arms the minute my grandmother and Alexis placed my hand in his. So why, why am I clinging to hope that he’ll come back to me? Why is it that all day today, every part of me has been aching for him more than ever before?

I remember the way he would ravage my body. Grip me by my hair, place me up against the wall, and rip my panties off me. Spread my legs and fuck me so hard the earth shook.

Blake broke me. He’s the reason why I’ve never been able to love anyone but him. I still love that man, and that is my biggest fear. My largest problem. I’m afraid I will never stop loving him.

Now I’m here in a new city, alone. I’m a grown woman who would give anything to be able to climb in her mother’s lap and have her stroke my hair while I cry.

I’m strong, Goddamn it. I have to be.

I jump out of my memories when I hear the pounding on my door. Pushing myself up, I’m startled and confused. I wipe the tears from my eyes, plaster on a fake smile, and swing open my door. The frigid temperature is blasting me in the face. I expect it to be Mason standing there when the cold gust of wind catches my breath. It isn’t. The man I’m shocked to see is staring at me with regret covering his features. His face is as white as snow, and he’s shaking from something other than the freezing cold. Whatever it is, is something so life-changing that it crawls into my skin, slashes at my heart like the blade of a dull, blunt knife.

“Adriana, I apologize for stopping by so late. I need to speak to you.” God. I feel dread plant herself in my throat. My heart stops its thunderous beating in my chest. It slows to a barely-there thump. Hunter is standing on my front porch. I swallow. Bile. Something horrible is going on. Go ahead, you big fucked-up thing called life and take that single sliver of sanity I have left. You’ve taken all the rest.

I blink through the flashes in my mind. All I can think about is the time he told me about Blake.

“May I come in?” No.

“Yes.” I grab the handle tightly and squeeze.

I can’t move.

“Adriana, you need to sit down.” He places his hands over mine. Prying my fingers off the door handle. Closing the door and guiding me to a chair.

I’m shaking with fear. It’s uncontrolled. Becoming more indignant with each breath I can barely take.

“What’s going on? I… I need my clutch.” I’m so pent up I can’t even bend down to retrieve it. My fingers are aching for the one bit of security I have.

“Here. You need to listen to me, okay?” he says softly as he bends down and picks up my clutch. I take it from his outstretched hand. My fingers begin running back and forth across the worn, silky material. It’s not helping like it usually does.

Terror creeps over me. Its gloom numbing my aching brain. My mind is offering up only one thought: something has happened to Heidi and Daniel. The day when I’m truly all alone has finally come.

“There was an accident tonight, Adriana. I need you to come with me to the hospital.” My heart begins to pound at an increasingly rapid pace. A vicious circle of swirling emotions. It’s the morning of Blake’s death all over again. I can’t let my mind go there. I simply won’t do it. I can’t go through something like this again.

“You’re scaring me. Who was in an accident? Was it Heidi and Daniel? Spit it out!” That has to be it. There would be no other reason for him to be here. I won’t know what to do if something happens to them. I’ll never make it. I know I won’t. The anxiety begins to build. I swallow. Hard. But wait, why would he be here if it were them? Why wouldn’t Heidi’s mother, Grace, call me? Oh, God, please no. One of them is dead. That has to be it.

“Hunter, please.” He continues to stare at me with an unreadable expression. I want to shout at him. Beat my hands on his chest. Tell him to get his shit together and tell me.

“Blake is alive, Adriana. He was in a car accident earlier today.” His whispered words slap me in the face. My eyesight blurs. Everything turns fuzzy. There’s no more color in my living room. No more warm blood is flowing through my veins. It all freezes up. Solid. My consciousness is floating through the thick, heavy air. I can’t breathe. My heart is screaming it can’t be him, while my head is trying to lift the dark cloud of misunderstanding hovering above me.

“His accident was years ago.” I’m confused. He has to be, too. My heart aches for him. Is he sick with a sudden case of forgetfulness all of a sudden? I mean, he is getting older.

“No. Shit, this wasn’t how he wanted this. Adriana, Blake is alive,” he repeats with more determination than I’ve ever heard him use before. Oh. My. God. What on earth am I hearing? I’m not hearing, that’s the problem.

My heartbeat pounds against my ribs so hard that the ringing in my ears is too much. I drop my clutch. My entire body is having a fit. It’s shattering into a million pieces. This can’t be.

I think I’m pleading for help, for someone to call Heidi and Daniel, while my mind shuts off and my heart breaks all over again. I think my own life is out to destroy me until I can’t think of anything else anymore.

* * *

I awaken in a dazed, disoriented, and confused state expecting to see white, padded walls. A man sitting in the corner with a notebook in his hand or Heidi’s face suspended above me ready to pull me out of bed. Hunter. Or else, the devil himself. I see no one. Hear no one. Feel no one. Irreversible numbness.

What I do see, though, has my heart cracking. I’m lying on my bed in my bedroom, alone. The room designed in purple and cream-colored hues. The walls are the light lavender I painted. The only sound I hear is the howling of the cold wind that has crawled into my chest.

Insanity has cursed me. It was the one thing I feared the most. Life has finally broken me to a state where I can no longer be repaired. I’ve succumbed to losing my mentality on life. Basically, I think I’ve lost my mind.

“Blake is alive?” I whisper, place my hands on my chest, and press. The excruciating pain is spreading feelers everywhere. My heart is thumping with overwhelming emotions I can’t explain.

The agony inside of me burns when I stop and think about how many nights I would lie in bed wishing but knowing I would never feel his arms wrapped around me again. Never savor the taste of his lips, feel him inside me. Never hear him say he loves me or me to say it back. I’m so angry I could scream until I lose my voice. Cry until I’m dried out. Pull all my hair out of my head. And it would never be enough. I’ve been walking around wanting to die with everyone else for so long now that the thought of him leaving me when I had so much left to tell him, so much life I wanted to share, has me reliving everyone’s death all over again. He lied to me. He made me believe he was dead.

I swing my legs off the bed. The glow from the lamp is guiding me toward my living room. There’s no way I dreamt that shit. It was real. I know it was. Just like I felt his presence the other night. Today. He’s truly alive.

“Hunter,” I call out. My feet are briskly picking up speed. Panic clusters around the cracks in my chest. Planting tiny seeds, ready to sprout. To grow from corner to corner attacking my internal organs, leaving me trapped in a jungle of hopelessness.

A silhouette stands in front of my windows, his tall frame staring out into the darkened sky.

“Hunter.” His shoulders slump; his thick, gray hair is disheveled. He turns to face me, and I grip the wall to keep me upright. The man has aged in the time I’ve been passed out. Dark circles border his eyes. Worry and concern are etched in his forehead. He looks scared. He should be. So am I. I’m frightened out of my skin.

“It’s only been a half hour. I picked you up off the floor and took you to your room. I called your friends before I got here. They’re on their way. The roads are horrible. They should be landing anytime.” His eyes become glazed with tears as he shifts them back to look out the window. God, they just got home. They have got to be sick with worry. I wonder if he told them the same thing he told me. He better did. I don’t want them thinking something has happened to me.

“Did you tell them what you told me? It’s true, isn’t it? He’s alive?” I ask. My lower lip won’t stop quivering as the words slowly make their way out of my mouth. If it is, then why is he here with me when he should be at the hospital?

Oh, God. The cloaked vale of death is striking me again. I didn’t awake in my warm bed. I woke to walk through another nightmare. More suffering. More pain. More than I know this time I can take. He was alive, and now he’s dead. What the hell is going on?

The anger sloshes like gasoline in my guts. It burns. Christ Almighty, does it burn. I’m breathless. The oxygen in my lungs is empty. I mourned him once. I don’t know how to do it again.

His shoulders start to shake. My stomach lurches upward in a violent tornado; it spasms, and pain so sharp sprints through my lower abdomen that I nearly hunch over. I want the pain to go away.

I should be over there holding him. Supporting him and asking him what I can do. However, I don’t. He’s hiding something from me. Something much more powerful than this accident.

“Yes. I told them he’s alive, Adriana. I would never toy with your emotions that way. Not with everything you’ve been through.” I grit my teeth to hold my tears from clouding my vision. There are so many questions lurking in my brain that I don’t know where to start. I’m scared to open my mouth. I want to tell him his beloved godson played me like a fucking fiddle until he broke all my strings. But I won’t. Hunter is telling me the truth, and right now, I’m not thinking clearly.

All I want to do is cry. Slide down this wall and cradle my arms around me.

“What aren’t you telling me, Hunter? Please don’t hold out on me. I can take it.” I can’t. But I have to try.

“I wasn’t supposed to be the one to tell you. He was. We were on our way here to see you. Blake was going to tell you everything, Adriana. We were struck by a vehicle. He hit us on the passenger’s side. Blake was the passenger.” My heart falls to my feet. This cannot be happening right now. I’ve heard everything he said. There are too many past tenses in his words. Is he alive? Hurt? Or dead? I have no damn idea.

“Who's with him now?” I have no clue why those are the words I say first. Maybe it’s jealousy deciding to add herself to this range of emotions that is trying to suffocate me. Please don’t tell me a woman.

“No one,” he says with a dry hint of laughter in his voice. I find none of this funny at all. In fact, I’m feeling as if I’m playing the starring role in a low-budget off-the-beaten-path Broadway play with one person in the audience. It’s humiliating that I seem to be blind to the point that my life is going nowhere. I’m stuck in reverse. Sliding backward with each breath I take. My husband is alive. Hunter is here telling me he is. What in the ever-loving hell is going on with my life right now?

“I don’t give a shit if you weren’t supposed to tell me. Where has he been? What in the hell is going on? You came to my home for another reason. What is that reason, Hunter?” I’m angry now. He stared me down as if I would break a little while ago. Now he seems to be hiding in every large bush he can find while tossing me the smallest clues in order to find him. I’m tired of people treating me as if I’m fragile. I’m already broken. I can’t be fixed.

“Blake has been living here the entire time, Adriana.” His voice is so low I can barely hear him. But his face…The aging look from minutes before is gone. In its place is hope. Desperation.

“He what? I don’t understand. In Traverse City? Did you know he was alive the entire time?” I snap and step out of the shadows of the hallway. Trying to allow this knowledge the pathway it needs to sink in.

My entire life, all I’ve done is try and survive the sharp-edged stones life continues to throw at me. This is the sharpest one yet. It slices right through me, and it will leave the ugliest scar.

“Yes.”

“You mean to tell me you’ve known all this time and you never told me? You watched me stand at your window and cry. You watched me bury my husband. How in God’s name could either one of you do this to me? What did my husband do? Why? I suppose I should ask you if my estranged husband is alright, seeing that he’s my husband, yet you know what’s going on in his life much better than I do.” I fire off so many questions that I don’t know which one I want him to answer first. My voice is on the verge of sizzling. I’m angry. He went to this man for whatever reason instead of me. How could he do that to me?

“I did all of those things because I had to. You have every right to be angry. Blake is fairly banged up. However, they expect him to make a full recovery. I’m sorry. I know you’re upset. You're probably wondering what in the hell is going on. How could he have faked his death? Why would he do that to you? It’s his story to tell, not mine.” That’s not all that’s going through my mind. It doesn’t matter if he lived here or China. The fact of the matter is that he made me grieve him. He made me believe he died. Made me blame myself for years. That’s what matters. I’m not about to get into it with Hunter or anyone else. Not until I sink my fangs into Blake so far they drain him. How in God’s name could he do this to me?

“I’m not going to the hospital,” I strike out. How dare he come here and lay this on me and then have the balls to tell me it’s not his story to tell? I don’t care whose story it is. I’m feeling so much hurt and betrayal right now I can’t see anything but anger. Hunter doesn’t even flinch. I’m sure he suspected I would be flying off the deep end over this. I want to do more than that. I want to drown everybody right along with me.

“I have a driver waiting outside. I was hoping to be able to convince you to come with me. Please, Adriana. Let him explain.” There’s that word. Hope. I haven’t seen or felt the true meaning of hope in a long time. A glimpse of it when I first saw this house, first walked out onto my private beach. My studio. Hope doesn’t exist in my life anymore. Hope left the day Blake walked away. She split down the middle when my sister passed away. I buried one half of her with my grandmother. So, he doesn’t get to come to my home and look at me with glassed-over eyes filled with hope when the only part of her I have left is empty. He hasn’t given me anything to fill her up with.

“Blake needs you, Adriana. I came to take you to him.”

“Need is a hard pill to swallow. Possibly the biggest one of them all. I should know; he left me at my lowest. I need to know why I was betrayed; then Blake can take his need and go fuck himself.”