“I’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means I have to relive every damn painful second.” I tip back my beer then glance briefly at Mason before turning my attention back to deciding what kind of wine to serve tonight. Adriana shocked the fuck out of me when she sent me a text asking if she could come over. I wanted to give her the space she needed before seeing her again. I’m freaking the fuck out wondering what in the hell she wants. In the past, I never had to sit around and wait for her to tell me something. This shit has got to end today. I’m fucking sick of waiting.

I ran around all day yesterday trying to find purple tulips while carrying two rings in my pocket. The one I had made for her and the one I gave her years ago. The fake one was flushed down the goddamn toilet the minute I returned home from seeing her the other night. But, of course, no one had the flowers. In fact, the majority of the florists didn’t have any shit in purple. I went to try one more place today only to strike out with finding fresh flowers. I ended up getting her something else. I’m hoping she’ll see it as a fresh start. I then came back home to find Mason sitting at my kitchen table waiting to talk.

After we left the studio, I spent the entire night tossing and turning in my bed after helping Adriana clean up with barely a word spoken between us before she asked for my address and what time she should be here on Christmas Eve. I watched her drive away praying that she didn’t regret what happened, and now I can’t even fucking decide on a bottle of damn wine all because I have no idea what she’s thinking. She could be on her way here to tell me she regrets being with me, or she could have pieced shit together. Fuck, I hate this worrying shit about as much as I hate having to wait for her to get here. Goddamn people should all rot in hell for making me choose to leave her.

“How is she holding up?” Mason asks out of the blue. I squat down, my eyes skimming the bottles for a white Pinot Noir. When I find it, I stand and turn my attention back to him.

“Not good. But I’ll get her back to the woman she once was.” I tip my beer, finish it off, and place the wine on the counter. My cock begins to stir in my jeans, while my mind is thinking about the other night. Fucking hell, she felt incredible. Warm and soft in my arms. Her hands on my chest. Apart from the naked finger that should be adorned with her wedding rings, it was perfect. She was right where she was supposed to be. Now that I’ve had her again, there is no way in hell I’m going without her. She can fight me all she wants, but I won’t let go of her again.

Call me a prick, but with Heidi and Daniel gone until well after the New Year, I’m determined more than ever to spend as much time with Adriana as I can. Preferably in bed. She claims we don’t know each other anymore. Well, I’m about to prove her wrong. Right along with reliving all the shit we’ve both been through, I’m going to take all the good from our past and make it blend right into our future. It’s not going to be as simple as her hearing the truth for what it is for her to be able to put the past behind her and move on. Because when it all sinks in, she’s going to realize how complicated it all is.

“Did you find out how much her friend Jenny knows?” I ask, hating that another person will be walking around knowing my secret. I open the fridge and pull out another beer along with the salmon I’m grilling. Adriana used to love the way I spiced it up, mixed it with vegetables, wrapped it in foil, and grilled it. As I said, I’ll do whatever it takes; that includes freezing my ass off standing at the barbeque.

“She promised not to say a word when I talked to her. All we can do is go on how much she says she cares about Adriana and pray she doesn’t tell anyone.” Right. To be honest, that’s the least of my worries. If the woman cares at all about Adriana like I think she does, she’ll keep her mouth shut. That woman had mother written all over her. She’s good.

The doorbell rings, and I pause with my beer halfway to my mouth. “Let me get that for you, since I’m being kicked out and all. I’ll see you after I return from my vacation.” Mason smirks as he leaves the room and…shit. I’m so used to coming home from work to the dark, always eating alone or hanging out by myself or with Hunter and Mason, that it took me hours to clean this house to meet her approval. Everything about this is all kinds of fucked.

I’m still standing in the middle of my kitchen when she walks in, her eyes scanning the entire place to get a feel for how I’ve lived. It’s bland, dark, and lonely as hell, but seeing her in my home is nothing short of a Goddamn miracle.

I see the work I’ve done to this place through her eyes. The way she studies the L-shaped kitchen with more counter space than any one person could ever need. The dark cherry cabinets, black appliances, and the white walls. The walk-in pantry and a small wooden table for four in the corner. The entire bottom half of my home is a wide-open atmosphere. “I’m in love,” she whispers. So am I. It sure as fuck isn’t with this dreary house. It’s with the woman standing here with her glossy red hair flowing down her back, skin-tight leggings, boots up to her knees, and an off-the-shoulder loose-fitting shirt. Damn.

“I knew you’d love this room. It doesn’t get used as much as it should. I hope we can remedy that while you’re here.” I slip my arm around her, trying to gauge her mood. My innuendo is more than doubled. If I can help it, I’ll fuck her on every fuckable surface of this house.

“I need a taste,” I indicate when she doesn’t recoil. I pull her tightly to me and take. The tension between us is nearing explosive. I can feel my blood heating from the way she’s standing there in my arms, staring up at me. She tries to pull away. I’m not having it. I flank my hands on her ass, smash my lips to hers, and suck in her breath, her smell, and then I fuck the hell out of her mouth. If I could, I would fuck her mouth all night. Taste her and devour all she is.

“We need to stop,” she pants, pressing firmly against my chest the same way she did the other night.

“I know.” My dick starts groaning in protest. It kills me to pull back, but she’s right.

“Have a seat.” I pull out a chair, grab the wine, cork it open, and pour us both a glass. She fidgets with the stem before taking a sip then placing it down, and shoots me a curious glance.

“So, this wine. It’s from Huntsville Winery. It’s good, Blake.”

“Yes. It used to be Hunter’s winery. I own half of it now. We expanded a few years ago.” I internally smile knowing she must have finally read everything.

“I think it’s wonderful what you’ve done. Given what you had to go through and all. I read the whole file. I spent yesterday trying to put myself in your shoes. I don’t know what I would have done if I were you. I do know I wouldn’t have wanted to go on if anything were to happen to anyone if I hadn’t taken those threats to heart. I’ve never stopped loving you; that I’m positive about. I just… We need to take this slow. I have to put all the pieces together, Blake.” My heart expands. Thank Christ. However, slow will not be an option.

“You love me.” Bastard move. I know it; she does, too. I need to hear her say it again. Everything else she mentioned can wait. I place my glass on the table, drop to my knees, and spin her chair around. My hands automatically go to her thighs. Mixed emotions of pure and open lust, blended with love, longing, and a road to forgiveness stare back at me. Blues so deeply mesmerizing they swoop down and capture me. I’m throbbing on the inside to tell her everything, to stay right here on my knees until the last piece is in place. Not a thing matters but right here, right now. That sensation of me saving her from the suffering that’s clearly inscribed on her features has me fighting with all I have not to pull her into my lap. Explain it all. But how can I do that when she’s openly showing me she’s hurting in ways I don’t understand? Her losses are destroying her.

“Yes, I love you. I always have. I’m not going to pack my bags and move in, but I want my husband to come back to me.” Jesus, fuck. Thank you. She doesn’t have to pack a damn thing. It will be me packing, and soon.

“I will never stop loving you. Years ago, I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you behind. I had to, sweetheart. I hope you understand why. You’re incredibly strong, driven, and compassionate, Adriana. Don’t doubt yourself. Let me make you dinner. Show you around. We can talk later if you want.” Her lips tremble. It’s written clear as day that she’s given up on hope. I’m the cause of it all. Yet this is the start I’ve been praying for. I stand, kiss the top of her head, and grab both of our glasses. “I want you to see something.” I nod toward the hallway that leads to the back of the house.

“My God. I’ve never seen anything as beautiful as this. It’s peaceful.” Right now it is; it won’t come springtime. I stand in the doorway of what I use more like my living room than a four-season porch and admire just how enticingly stunning she is. Her hair glows from the striking hues of the last remnants of the sun. Scorching and fiery locks have my fingers strumming against my glass with the need to touch them.

“I stand here and look at this view every morning. In a few months, all those ice- and snow-covered vines will be ready for pruning. The vines are fairly tolerant during the winter. Extremely cold weather can be harsh on some of them. We’ve been pretty fortunate so far.” I move behind her without touching her, placing her glass in her hand. The heat from her body elicits my cock to scream in agony. She wants to move slowly. I want to jump into the future. But this isn’t about what I want or need. It’s about her. Always has been, always will be.

“I’m fairly certain I haven't seen quite so much white in my life; all this snow is deceptive in a way. You know how cold it is, and yet the beauty of it pulls you in. I hated the snow, the holidays, after I thought I lost you. The only time I went out was to work or when Heidi would drag me out. I rarely went to my grandmother’s. She came to me. All I could think about was that the color should resemble purity, innocence, and light. Yet to me it meant darkness. But seeing this and knowing you’re alive, it changes my way of thinking somewhat. It makes me hope, Blake, and I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.” Her admission strangles the fuck out of me. I swallow the hard lump of truth as she takes a deep breath and holds it in before slowly turning her telling eyes on me.

She looks so damn lost. So confused and yet so totally bound to grasp hold of the branch of hope I’m handing to her.

“That’s it, sweetheart. Let it out and let me in. A little bit at a time if you need to. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there for you.” She releases her breath. Puts on the fake smile I’ve seen many times before when she tried to hide behind her pain. There’s so much of it inside of her that I may never get her to see the light. Hell, I hadn’t seen it myself until the night I saw her in the window. She was her old self that night.

We enter into an intense stare, both of us working through a range of emotions. I can’t have her thinking of the bad ones right now. They will hit us both the minute we lay our heads on our pillows.

Adriana’s eyes stay glued to mine as I say, “I sat in my car and watched you decorate a mannequin a few weeks ago. The minute I saw your face, I nearly lost it. You’re fucking beautiful, sweetheart. Brave and full of life. You did more than take my breath away; you stole it. And this hair… Christ, Adriana, I’ve missed it nearly as much as I’ve missed your heart. It’s thick, wild, and untamed. You can’t possibly begin to know the things I’ve drummed up about this hair.” I reach up and run my hands through her locks. Heated blues dive further into the shocking, raw desire of the woman who can push every wicked thought of mine into pure sexual bliss. My mouth dries. I’m frightened out of my damn mind over her not seeing who I see. This incredible human who I’ve had the pleasure of calling mine. She’s mine, meant to belong to me. I’m moving in a direction my head is telling me not to go. It’s dangerous, deliciously dirty.

“Oh, God. We got carried away. I was into it until it felt like someone was staring at me. Not just a passerby. It was you. I felt you. Did you enjoy the show?” she asks shyly, swiping her tongue across her bottom lip. Goddamn, I want that tongue licking straight up my hard shaft. The veins in my cock pull tight.

“Every inch of me did. You stole more than my breath away. You ensnared my fucking soul. I felt like you were dancing for me all over again.” My words are feasting on her flesh. I can tell by the way her pale skin on her neck turns red; it’s slowly ascending and blending with her hair. It’s a necessity for one of us to break this current we’re sinking in before we do something incredibly stupid like submerge. It has to be me. She’ll never come up if I allow that to happen.

“Let me grab dinner.” I back away, adjust myself, and make my way back to the kitchen, grabbing what I need.

She cocks her hip and tilts her head when she sees what’s in my hand. “Salmon? I haven’t had that in a long time.” Yeah, me either. Not since the last time with you. I slide open the door, fire up the grill, close the lid, and cook the same last dinner the two of us shared before I left.

* * *

“Do you miss being a lawyer?” she enquires when she shoves her empty plate away before she stands and moves back to the same spot in front of the window. Her mind becomes lost out in the darkened night. We ate in silence, watching the light snow fall after I froze my ass off grilling. It was worth it to watch her eat, listening to her moans and having her by my side. And now, I can feel her world slipping from underneath her again. She’s ready to break.

“I did at first. Not anymore. This is my life now. There’s nothing I can do to change it. Not sure if I would want to. This fulfills me, Adriana. There’s only one thing that I’ve missed, and she’s here with me now.”

Shit, this was not how I wanted tonight to go. She came to me to talk, and I don’t want to push her too far. Life has done a complete one-eighty on me. Tears start running down her pale skin one after the other. My lungs constrict. I’m casting a new rope her way, one that will bound us tightly together. She hasn’t grabbed it yet, but she will after she lets go of the old, ratted one from the past. Maybe, just maybe, what I said is what she needed to hear.

“Let go, sweetheart,” I whisper. My arms are strong and steady. I’m ready to catch her.

I can see her thoughts accelerating when she frowns. Her mouth opens, her head shakes back and forth, and her sensors fill with a raging war of terrifying contradiction.

For the first time since I’ve known this woman, I can’t read her. I don’t have a damn clue what she’s thinking. I’m afraid I’m losing her all over again to her own struggling battle. Son of a bitch. Her body starts to shake. She places her hands on the window. I can see her wanting to crumble.

Afraid she’ll fall, I dash around the coffee table, pull her into my arms, and slide us down to the floor, adjusting her on my lap until I’m cradling her head up against my chest. Her frail body is rocking with her earth-shattering sobs. She’s breaking apart, and me storming back into her life the way I have is one of the reasons.

I’m going to hold on tight to the vibes I felt the other night when I saw her. She needs this part of grieving. Someone to listen to her without judging. Someone who wasn’t there to take care of her when it was needed. A strong, steady hand that says ‘Here I am, and I swear to all that’s holy I’m not leaving ever again.’

I can feel her absence sinking into my skin as she wraps her arms around me and cries.

Her grief, guilt, and confusion are eating its way through her right in the palm of my hands. A mere second ago, I thought I had lost her to the troubles in her head, but when she speaks through her sobs, I’m thrown as my mind tries to figure out what to say.

“I tried to help her. I did everything I could to make Alexis see that there was more to her life, that she was stronger than those damn drugs, but they eventually took over. They made her weak. I needed my sister to love herself, to love me more than them. She didn’t, Blake. I miss her so much I can barely breathe at times. There were days I don’t even recall what I did. Where I went or what I was even doing, and now my grandmother is gone, too. She was the only other person who loved Alexis as much as I did. She was my listening ear, my shoulder to cry on. I’m afraid I’ll fail her in life. Then there’s you. You left me, and now you’re sneaking up on me out of nowhere. My shoulders aren’t big enough to take any more. I can’t do this.” For God’s sake. She’s lost everyone. This I knew, but to hear it said out loud stirs up something indescribable inside of me.

There is a forceful brutality to life. A cost in our pain that lives deep in our bones; when the day comes for it to set the swirling currents battling inside of you free, our spirits lift. Our pain loses its control, and we can go on living. This has to be a fact in Adriana’s case. She has been through enough already. I know I’m adding to it. I’m a selfish man.

“Adriana, the way you feel has to be natural. I can’t help you with that. What I can do is be your friend. Hold you like this and listen. You may not see it now. However, I do. This strong woman who has lived in hell needs to keep on living. They would want you to. But you have to want it, too, Adriana. Don’t convince yourself to give up.” Fuck. I have no idea if what I’m saying is right, if it’s helpful in any way or damaging her further. I knew she was suffering, but being blindsided like this is doing its best to fracture me.

“I think my grandmother knew she was dying. I didn’t get to say good-bye. I didn’t get to thank her for taking care of me. For doing everything she could to help me with Alexis. I didn’t get a chance to tell either one of them how much I loved them. And I didn’t with you either. That’s the worst part of it all.” Shit.

“They knew. You know they did. You’re grieving the loss of them. They both loved you as much as you did them.” I’m not sure about her sister, but I know her grandmother did. The woman was a saint.

“I know they did. But what about you? You claim you love me, and yet you made me believe you died. That’s the hardest thing for me to understand.” Fuck. My mind races with rising and falling perplexity. She’s caught me off guard. I know what I need to say, but she’s too fragile to hear it. Goddamn it.

“I do love you. I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives,” I answer quickly. My brain is full of lead. The words that should be said are pounding against my skull so hard that they're falling down one by one and halting at the tip of my tongue.

“Then why didn’t you bring me with you?” Double fuck.

“I don’t know.” I do, but please don’t call me out on it. Not now.

“Yes, you do. Earlier you said we could talk. If you can’t be honest with me, then you haven’t really come back at all.” She’s right. Every knife-piercing word is the truth.

“Oh, Adriana. You have no idea how many times I wanted to come back to you, to have you with me. To not have left in the first place.” My beautiful wife lifts her head from my chest and looks at me. Her swollen eyes blaze with raw rage and excruciating pain. Dear Lord, stop me, because I desperately want to kiss her. To make her shut up.

Silence falls on my ears. Her shaking body is slowly settling back to normal. Please don’t pull away. We can stay this way forever, but only if you grace me with that incredible smile of yours.

“Then tell me why. I deserve the truth. I spent years loving you, Blake. I gave you everything I had to give. I want to know what I did for you to throw what I thought was true love away.” And there’s the smart girl who tore her way through my soul. God, how I’ve missed her. For a woman who was breaking apart a few minutes ago, she sure is pulling a strong one on me. I internally gripe when she climbs off my lap and settles herself up against the window next to me. Her long legs are stretching out and grazing against mine. Her hair is flattened down on one side. She’s Goddamn beautiful.

“Are you sure you want to hear it?” I ask. If we’re going to have this talk right here on the floor, then I suppose there isn’t a better place to start. We may as well sweep some of the dirt and grime away. Toss it out. Leaving the biggest crumb hidden. Because if I have a say—and I do—we’ll be starting over. She’ll come back to me, and I’ll make her pain go away. A distant memory. My intentions will be front and center in her mind by the time I’m done.

I don’t give her time to answer me. I dig my heels in. “I did throw our love away, Adriana. I knew it the minute I walked away from you. It was because I love you that I sacrificed. What I didn’t do was stop loving you. I left you behind, planned my death all because I was too weak to just walk away. I left you behind because you were stronger than me; bringing you with me would have made you weak. You’re so strong that you took your strength and put it all in helping your sister when all she did was take from you. I sat by and watched her drain the life right out of you. And yet you continued on. The love you had for her never failed. You tried, gave, and you broke in half. I was not going to be that half that you someday deserted because I took you away from her.” She winces as if I’ve struck her with my fist. The fact remains that me professing this only adds another emotion on top of her tortuous pile. The weight that has been lifted off me by saying those words weighs her down now. This will be a pre-test for her to realize how strong she really is. Because one of these days, I’ll have to drop the bomb.

“I… I guess this is one of those times when we say love wasn’t enough. I needed you, and you needed me. We left each other.”

“No,” I snap, push up onto my haunches, and lean toward her. I cradle her face in my shaking hands, more out of wits than a minute ago. “You never left me, sweetheart. You merely drifted in the direction your heart needed to go. Your sister.” I pause. I’m used to having my words calculated to the tee in my head. Ready to attack on a drop of a lie. My words need to be contrite, a wrong that needs to be right. “I remember the time when she came into the store to work for you. On our anniversary. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days. You burst apart that day, Adriana. I couldn’t take seeing you self-destruct. I had watched you bleed out for years. I couldn’t do it anymore. She was stealing you from yourself. I had to do what I needed to protect all of you. Guilt has eaten away at me this entire time. There isn’t a damn thing we can do about it now. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I wish I could take it all back when we both know I can’t. What I can do is say I’m sorry. Beg for you to forgive me and make you understand that other people’s actions are never anyone else’s fault. Love should have been enough. Believe me when I say that.” I could stay here and continue to cast blame on myself. Tell her she wouldn’t be hurting as much if I hadn’t done what I did. But it would be a lie. She would have seen Alexis hit the dead-end road she had been wobbling on regardless. Her grandmother would have still passed away. But we wouldn’t be on this floor. I wouldn’t be staring into eyes that are focusing on me. I wouldn’t be able to make her the woman she was born to be. She would have ended up hating me, and I couldn’t have borne it. Hate is such a powerful word. It destroys. But love… That word has an endless meaning. Our love would have been destroyed along with her.

As selfish as all of that may be, I’m not going to live in regret anymore, and neither is she. I’m going to do everything in my power to make her come back to me. We both deserve to live.