Chapter 14

Alex didn’t know what was happening to him. He never lost control like this. He shouldn’t. He couldn’t.

Except all he couldn’t do was stop. Stop touching those silky strands of hair, stop feeling the way her soft, lithe body molded to his, stop the impact of her tongue timidly running across his bottom lip.

So many things jolted through him—such deep physical connection, the taste of her, and something bright and happy and…foreign, really. He hadn’t felt like this in years, and even then there was something different.

She felt small in his arms, and yet she was strong and certain. She was definitely the one leading this. Prompting this. She was somehow in charge and making him feel upside down and inside out and, strangest of all, like that was a good thing.

The arguments in his brain got quieter and quieter the louder the heartbeat in his ears grew. His skin burned like fire and his breath waged a war against his lungs. He was hard and desperate and tired of the tight rein on his control he always employed.

He nibbled at her mouth. She made a noise that was somewhere between a squeak and a moan. He held on to her for dear life, and it was only the thought that he wanted to press himself against her hard enough to back her against the truck, that he wanted to have his hands under her clothes and hear her make that sound over and over in a freezing-cold parking lot to a crappy townie bar in Blue Valley, Montana, that cut through the insanity buzzing though him.

He had to stop this madness. He had to stop. Period.

It took a few more seconds for his body to accept his brain’s determination. He managed to pull her off of him, though she tried to arch against him instead. He was so hard and aching it nearly undid him. But he was a strong man. A soldier. He had to do what was right.

He untangled her from him and stepped a good few strides away. He didn’t have a clue as to what to say, but even if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to say it. His breath was still coming in short spurts. His heart was pounding so hard in his ears he wouldn’t know what his voice sounded like even if he could get it to come out.

When he looked over at her, she was grinning, her teeth sunk into her bottom lip, palm pressed to her cheek. She was looking at him like he was some kind of…something.

He took a breath, everything sharp and painful centering itself in his chest. This had been a dereliction of duty, plain and simple.

She sighed. “You’re going to be all weird now, aren’t you?”

“I’m not…” He had to clear his throat to speak without that odd rasp to his words. “I’m not going to be weird.”

“Okay. Then what are you going to be?”

He cleared his throat again and straightened his shirt, if only to give himself something to do while he tried to figure out what to say. “I’m going to be sensible and responsible and—”

“Boring?”

He glared at her. “You know as well as I do that was a mistake.”

“I actually don’t know that. I liked it. And I’d like to do more of that. With you.”

Christ, she was just going to kill him. Stab him in the heart and jiggle around the blade, then maybe kick him a few times while he was down.

“We are starting a business together,” he began, searching for the rules he’d laid out for himself.

“And?”

“And if we…” He had answers to that. He did. But maybe it was the wrong tack to take, because he needed this over. Or he was going to be a little too tempted by the moonlight reflecting off the moisture on her lips. “I mean, our parents were married. Which makes this weird.” That was the other rule, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, a little. But it’s not as if we ever lived under the same roof or…you know, anything that normal stepsiblings do. Our parents were married and you were far away. If it were really that weird, I don’t think the kiss would’ve been that good.”

“I thought you were sheltered and nervous and scared?” he demanded.

Her grin widened, if that was at all possible. “I did too. I guess I’m not such a mess. At least, not as much of one as I thought. I’ve spent a lot of my life living for someone else. To make Mom happy and to hopefully make her see that I was safe and healthy and happy. She sacrificed a lot for me, and I did the same for her. I don’t have to anymore. So I’m not going to. I guess that makes me…well, not as much of a scaredy-cat as I thought I’d be.”

“This…”

“Was a really great kiss. Like, really great… Right?”

There was just enough of a hint of vulnerability that he couldn’t lie to her, even though he should have. “Yes, it was a very great kiss, but that doesn’t mean—”

“It means that we have chemistry, right? And when you have chemistry with someone, you explore it.”

“Not when it’s this complicated.”

She did that thing where she cocked her head and stared at him as though he were some strange specimen she didn’t understand. What was there to understand? Nothing about him would make sense when she was sweet and young and innocent as all get-out.

And she kisses like a fucking miracle.

He scratched his hands through his hair in frustration. He had to find his center. The thing that led him through every moment of his life, knowing what was next. Enduring. Surviving. Excelling. He had to channel it and use it. To nip this very dangerous, complicated, unwanted situation in the bud.

“You’ve been sheltered and you want experiences,” he began, hoping he sounded like a teacher or an officer. Someone mature and in charge instead of a floundering asshole. “It’s natural that you might fixate on me. But—”

“No. No, no, no. Don’t ruin it.”

“Ruin what?”

She patted him on the chest, then sauntered past him, back toward the bar. “My first kiss,” she shot over her shoulder.

He stared after her, just another painful thing in a long line of painful things clutching at his chest. He’d known she was sheltered and innocent, of course. She’d made that abundantly clear. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d said she was a virgin.

But first kiss? With him? In a cold-as-fuck parking lot? And she was smiling and sauntering away like that was a good thing. Something she wanted, something she didn’t want him to ruin.

But this wasn’t first-kiss material. It hadn’t been sweet or someplace nice or after a charming dinner. It was in a crappy bar parking lot and…

He wanted to ignore the truth, wanted to deny it all, but it didn’t matter where they’d been. It didn’t even matter all the ways it was wrong and complicated and shouldn’t have happened.

It was a damn fine kiss. Chemistry. Sparks. Like he’d never felt before. Something a little raw. Something bright and promising and so full of sweetness and hope, like a sunrise over the mountains.

Which was a fanciful enough thought to have him rolling his eyes at himself. Clearly they needed to go home. Needed to go back to the ranch and find some…sense. Rationality.

But first, he had to get rid of this erection.

* * *

Becca returned to the bar. Gabe was back, and he and Jack were laughing over something. She thought briefly about ordering a few more drinks and downing them in quick succession, but she didn’t want to lose this feeling ricocheting through her.

She wanted to roll around in it. Revel in it. Attraction and want and lust. Even the frustration that went with it. It was so…amazing. All this feeling rushing around in her at once. To feel jittery and bubbly and hot and bothered and all of those other adjectives she’d never fully understood before. They jostled for space in her chest and in her stomach, and it was…absolutely perfect.

“You look awfully pleased with yourself. What have you been up to?”

Becca smiled brightly at Jack. “Just some fresh air.”

He narrowed his eyes, clearly not believing her, but she wondered if he would even begin to guess what had transpired in the parking lot. That Captain America had lowered his morals so far as to kiss her.

Not just a little peck either. No, that was a kiss. A grade A obliterate-common-sense kiss. She wanted so much more than that from him. But for tonight, she was willing to dwell in that one first experience.

She wasn’t going to let him ruin it, no matter what he said. She was going to cherish that moment forever. He couldn’t take it away.

“So, you’re all too happy and Alex just walked through the door like he’s about to kill someone. What do you make of that, Jack?” Gabe asked leisurely.

Gabe and Jack exchanged glances, but all Becca could do was grin as Alex approached.

She actually didn’t think he looked angry. He looked stormy. Confused. Okay, a little angry, but not solely that. There was a lot of mixed up in that look, and she was glad for it. Glad that she could mix him up. Because if she affected him, it meant…it meant this whole thing meant something. It meant it was not just okay that she was pushing, not just that she was standing up for herself, but that she was right in everything. She was right that this was exactly what she needed to be doing right now.

“All right, bus is leaving,” Alex said, his voice low and gravelly and daring anyone to argue.

Apparently Gabe was willing to take the dare. “Still early, warden.”

“You’re welcome to stay and see if that waitress will give you a ride home, but I’m leaving. Anyone who wants to get back to the ranch tonight better get their ass in Becca’s truck.”

Feeling emboldened both by the kiss and probably at least a little by the alcohol in her brain, Becca slid right against Alex as she passed. She gave him a look that she hoped was flirtatious and not just giddy. “Yes, sir.”

She could barely stop herself from giggling as she walked back out where she’d just come from. Whatever Gabe and Jack said to Alex as they walked out of the bar was lost on Becca. She was happily oblivious in her own world of, well, whatever this was. Having a guy interested in her. Having him be a little conflicted about it. Having something as exciting happen as a guy jerking her to him and kissing her senseless.

She sighed dreamily as they reached the truck.

The ride home was mostly silent. Occasionally Gabe or Jack would relate some story from their time at the bar, but Alex never showed any reaction, and Becca was mostly too busy reliving that kiss to pay them any mind.

Alex drove up the crest of the hill that led to the ranch. Darkness and starlight enveloped the entire vista in front of them. Alex pushed the truck into park, then gave them each a glare.

“You will go to bed. I’m going to go check on Hick.”

Gabe and Jack got out of the back of the truck, but Becca stayed where she was, staring at Alex. He pressed his lips together in a scowl, then shoved out of the truck himself.

“Don’t be difficult,” he muttered before slamming the truck door behind him.

It was probably childish to want to be difficult, since he’d ordered her not to be, but she was a little too—well, not drunk exactly, but a bit tipsy—to care.

She thought maybe Alex needed a little bit of difficult. Someone to be a pain in his ass. So he could realize he wasn’t in the military anymore. There were no rules and no codes or regulations on how any of them had to live.

It wasn’t that she didn’t empathize with him on how hard it must be to adjust to a brand-new way of living, but that didn’t mean she was going to be easy on him. He had a whole amazing life ahead of him. He needed to realize it.

She’d help him realize it. That was her mission.

She slid out of the truck, but she didn’t go to the house. She walked in the opposite direction, toward the fence that looked out over the mountains. Everything around her was dark, but with the moon and starlight, she could vaguely make out the looming peaks of those beautiful, majestic rocks that made up the landscape around them.

She wanted to breathe it in. Appreciate it. Feel in awe of it—and she wanted him to see and feel that too.

“Becca,” Alex said in a warning voice she was sure he used on his soldiers.

“I’m not quite ready to go inside. Go check on Hick. I’ll be fine.” She stepped up onto the first rung of the fence, lifting her face to the moon.

“I’m not leaving you out here to drunkenly freeze yourself to death.”

“Honestly, Alex, I am not that drunk, and you are not that overprotective. Or you need to stop trying to be. As we’ve discussed.”

He didn’t say anything for a while and she didn’t move. She soaked in the clusters of stars and listened to the rustling of an early spring night. She listened to Alex’s steady, even breathing, and she traced dark mountain peaks with her eyes.

She wanted to stand here and dream of summer and kisses and a million other beautiful things.

She should’ve known Alex wouldn’t make it easy.

“Do not make me throw you over my shoulder and take you inside myself.”

She glanced over her shoulder at him. “Is that an order, or like a sex thing? Because if it’s a sex offer…”

He sputtered and she laughed—at the fact that she’d said something so outrageous. That she’d made Mr. In Charge Navy SEAL sputter. This really was the best night.

“What are you trying to do to me?” he demanded, pained and irritated.

“Believe it or not, Alex, I’m not trying to do anything to you. I am trying to live my life. I’m trying to enjoy a moment. I am trying to…” She stepped down from the fence and turned to face him. The moonlight gilded him silver or marble, some majestic, ancient Greek god standing there. He looked grim and angry, but underneath that was a sense of loss she understood so well.

He needed to come through the other side.

“The past year has been so hard and sad. I have fought my mother for independence. I’ve fought through my grief and knowing I’m never seeing Burt again. I have been barely holding on by a thread, and I am tired. I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of being frustrated. I am damn tired of not doing what I want. I don’t want much. I want to work hard on this ranch and on our foundation. I want to help people. And I want to kiss you. Again and again and again.”

“You keep saying you want…me, but you’re drunk and…”

“Do you really think you’re not worthy of that?”

“Are you trying to sound like a shrink?” he demanded, clearly at his wit’s end with her. Which, by her estimation, was exactly where he needed to be.

“I’m trying to understand why this is so hard for you.”

“It’s not.”

She stared at him for the longest time, realizing that in a weird way, Alex needed the same thing she had for the past few years—to break away from the cage he’d probably unwittingly put around himself. Open up and reach out and try. But it would be hard, and he wasn’t quite at the moment yet.

But that was okay. Because she’d been there, and she could show him. “I’m going to break you, one way or another.”

“Break me?”

She straightened, more and more certain it was exactly what he needed. “Yup.” She took a few steps toward him, confident and sure. Emboldened. So damn happy and excited for the future it hurt. “I’m not backing down anymore. I’m not letting you pretend you’re fine when you’re not, or that you don’t have the hots for me when you do.”

“The hots?” he repeated as if he didn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Yes. I know you think you’re strong enough to deny this or resist it or endure it or whatever, but what you’re about to learn, Alex Maguire, is that strength is not about what you can endure. It isn’t about what you can accomplish when you have a mission to see through. It’s about wanting something and not being afraid of going after it. It’s about allowing yourself to admit you want something in the first place. That will be your biggest challenge. But don’t worry, I’ll be here to hold your hand.”

Then she moved up on her tiptoes and brushed her mouth across his bottom lip. “Good night, Alex,” she said before he could respond. And she walked back to the house, happier than she’d been in a long time.