Chapter 21

Alex didn’t know how long they lay in the back of the truck in each other’s arms. Time had ceased to mean much of anything there for a while.

Eventually the cold air of the night began to seep in and they hunted around for their clothes and pulled them on. It took some time, but they convinced each other they needed to head back. Though he got the feeling she wanted to do that about as much as he did. Which was not at all.

Because reality was going to be something they had to deal with, and in the warm afterglow, the last thing he wanted to do was think about reality.

For the first time in so many years, he didn’t want to solve problems or achieve anything. He wanted to wallow in the perfect beauty of something.

But life didn’t work that way. Silently, he bundled them both back up and got in the truck and drove back to the house.

When he pulled to a stop, Becca was twisting her fingers together, staring at the house with an unreadable expression on her face.

He wasn’t quite ready to read any expressions. Or figure much of this out. Because he knew himself well enough to know what would happen when he started thinking and figuring things out—a plan, orders, a mission. Rules and codes, even if they were only his own, and that would most definitely irritate Becca into bolting.

Or maybe he wasn’t afraid his brain would go in its normal, overly careful patterns. Maybe he was damn well terrified he’d keep living in the moment. Just keep enjoying. And where the hell would that lead him?

He wasn’t sure. Everything about tonight had upended him. It was good, probably, but uncomfortable definitely.

“I have one last request for the evening,” she finally said.

“Okay.” Requests he could do. Whatever she wanted, he’d want to give it to her—if only to see her face light up in a smile.

Chill the fuck out, dude.

“It’s kind of…silly,” she continued, still twisting her fingers, looking nervous.

“I doubt that, Bec.” She was funny, and she was quirky, but silly? No. He couldn’t imagine it.

“Okay, well, you know, I was thinking or hoping… I mean, I thought maybe, it’s probably dumb, but you could, uh…”

He frowned over at her, fidgety and stuttery, and completely the opposite of what she’d been all night. So he reached across the console between them. He took her hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the top of it. “Just say it. Whatever it is. It’ll be fine.”

“Would you sleep with me?” she asked, blurting it out even as none of the nerves left her vibrating frame.

“I think that’s what we just did.”

“No, I mean like in my bed. Tonight. With me. I mean, we can have sex again. Or we don’t have to. I don’t know how that whole multiple-times, sore thing works. But you know, like, just a…”

Alex didn’t think it was silly, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t taken off guard. It was more than fair for her to want that. He should have no qualms about offering that, no qualms in giving her whatever she wanted, but…

This was the damnedest thing about the woman fidgeting next to him. She had no experience with people, none whatsoever, and yet he always ended up feeling like he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

He’d never spent the night with a woman before. Which he’d never thought about or considered. It had just been the way things had gone in his life.

“You don’t have to,” she said, trying to tug her hand from his. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

He held tight to her hand. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he managed to say carefully.

Her hand stilled in his and she peered at him with those big, assessing eyes. “Is it because of the nightmares?”

He tensed, jaw clenching even as he told himself to relax. “No. The one nightmare isn’t a problem.” Which wasn’t a lie so much. Okay, maybe it fucking was, but so be it. “I just want you to know, the guys will give us crap for this. I can make sure they only give me—”

“I don’t mind them teasing me over something I have no shame about. But if you feel weird about it, then, you know, we shouldn’t. I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do out of some misplaced sense of…something.”

“It is not that I don’t want to do it,” he repeated firmly. It was just all those other things he didn’t want to discuss.

“Are you sure? Because it seems like you don’t want to do it. It’s not a big deal. Really. I just thought I’d ask.”

Damn Becca Denton and how she was always dragging these confessions out of him. But the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel like her request wasn’t fair or that he was balking at something because of her.

Damn it all.

“Remember how I said I’d pretty much only done the relationship thing once?”

She nodded.

“It’s not like in high school there were any sleepovers. Then I was almost always living on a military base or what have you, which isn’t exactly conducive to a lot of spending the night places. So, you know…it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I’ve never done it.” Fuck it all for embarrassing confessions.

“I am just your first in so many ways.” She grinned at him, clearly pleased with herself, and how could he fight that? The way she seemed so happy about it made him happy.

He didn’t know what the hell to do with all this joy, but he knew he wanted to give it all to her. So he had to go with it, no matter how uncomfortable it made him.

“I have no problem spending the night with you,” he said firmly. “I’m just as clueless as you about the protocol of that whole thing.”

“I don’t actually think there is protocol on spending the night with someone. I think you just do it.”

“There can be protocol for everything.”

“Only for you, Alex,” she said with a shake of her head. She pushed the truck door open. “Don’t worry. I’ll wear my goat pajamas just for you.” She hopped out of the truck on that note, leaving him puzzled and far too charmed.

He got out of the truck and followed her toward the porch. “I’m sorry. Did you say goat pajamas?”

“Of course.”

He met up with her at the bottom of the stairs. When she smiled up at him, he could only smile in return. This whole thing was crazy, completely out of his control, and when she smiled at him like that all he could think was, Why not give in to that?

Because it isn’t who you are, a little voice in the back of his head said.

He ignored it. He ignored everything except the enticing curve of her mouth and pulled her to him. Not quite as at-his-wit’s-end as he’d done in the past, but not exactly gentle. She fell into it easily though, smiling the entire way.

“I know you said I could enjoy them all, but I really do like the grabby kisses the best.”

“And why is that?”

“Because it means you can’t resist me. Who doesn’t want to feel that?”

He didn’t have an answer for her, so he kissed her instead. A grabby kiss to show her just how much he couldn’t resist. Because he couldn’t. She was trouble, most certainly. Complicated one hundred percent. And she was something akin to magic.

He never would’ve thought to believe in magic in the whole of his thirty-four years, but here under a Montana sky with the sweetest woman possibly on the face of the planet in his arms, how could he believe in anything else?

“Let’s go to bed,” he murmured against her mouth.

“That’s code for sex, right?”

“You grabbed the box of condoms, didn’t you?”

She patted her coat pocket. “What do you take me for? A fool?”

He laughed and pulled his keys out of his pocket to open the door. The house was dark, and he could only hope that meant Jack and Gabe would be tucked into their beds and far away from him and Becca.

It wouldn’t stop them from giving him crap, but he could take it. He wouldn’t stand for it if they made Becca feel awkward though.

They walked through the dark, quiet house hand in hand, and Alex tried to keep his thoughts from going too loud or too complicated.

“I sure as hell hope you have a bigger bed than I do,” he whispered as they passed the door to his room.

“Well, probably not as big as you’re hoping. It’s only a full size mattress, but don’t worry. I’ll make plenty of room for you.”

“As long as you wear those goat pajamas, how can I resist?”

She laughed and opened the door to her bedroom. It was dim, but she must have left her bathroom light on because a little light shone from the door. Her room reflected her exactly. Nothing frilly or fancy, and yet there was a definite feminine quality to it. Cluttered and colorful.

“Oh, I did forget to mention one thing.”

“What’s that?” he asked, stepping in and closing the door behind him.

“Hannibal gets pretty mad if I don’t let him sleep with me.”

“God help me, who is Hannibal?”

She gestured toward the corner, and in the dark, he could make out the gleam of a cat’s eyes. “He doesn’t leave my room much. Hates people, dogs, and everything. Except me, I guess.”

“Honestly, a cat is much better than any other possibility I thought of.”

“What possibilities did you think of?”

“You have a goat you call Ron Swanson, a rooster named Rasputin, and you talk to the horses like they’re people. I’m just glad it wasn’t like a rabbit or a badger or something.”

“A badger. Badgers aren’t very good house pets, but then again, you never know. Different animals can have different personalities.”

He stripped off his coat and flipped on the light. “Now, to talk of far more important things. Before you can get into those goat pajamas, I need to get you naked.” He grinned and she grinned right back.

He pushed aside the uncomfortable realization he couldn’t remember ever being this happy as she began to strip off her clothes. Because what did it matter if he’d never been this happy as long as he enjoyed it while it was here? As long as Becca was in his sight, he was going to hold on to that happiness.

The doubts would have to wait.

* * *

Becca woke with a start, not sure what had jerked her out of the deep sleep she’d fallen into. Alex was still there, and she was curled up next to him.

She didn’t feel Hannibal at her feet, so maybe he’d squirmed out of bed and that had woken her up.

The bed shook though. She blinked, trying to understand why the bed was moving. It felt like an earthquake, and then she realized it wasn’t just the bed. It was Alex himself.

She gave his shoulder a little nudge, hoping to wake him up. He was shaking violently and he had one arm extended straight above him, as if pointing at the ceiling.

Clearly he was having a nightmare and Becca had to swallow down the emotion that assailed her. It broke her heart that he was plagued this way. Worse, that he didn’t want to admit it or deal with it. He just thought he had to live with it.

Maybe he did. What did she know about it? She’d never been through anything like what Alex had not just experienced, but seen routinely.

He murmured something she couldn’t make out, and she gave him another little nudge, harder this time.

“Alex. You’re dreaming.”

He rolled out of bed and she gasped and reached out for him, but he didn’t land in a heap as she’d expected. He landed in a crouch, looking around the room, his breathing heavy and uneven. In the dark, she couldn’t tell if his eyes were opened or closed, but he stood there in a ready-to-fight position.

Becca’s heart hammered. She didn’t know what to do to help him. How to comfort or soothe him. How to make him feel safe. She blinked at the tears in her eyes and tried to focus on finding some courage. After all, if spending the night was something she wanted to have happen again—which it was—she had to find a way to deal with this.

So will he.

She pushed the thought away for now. Once she got him awake and calm, they could talk about what he needed to do, but for right now, she needed to make him feel safe. She scooted to the edge of the bed.

“Alex. Wake up. You’re home. In Montana. You’re here and safe. Nothing bad can happen here.”

Still he crouched, and still he shook. A tear slipped down Becca’s cheek because she didn’t want him to have to deal with this. It seemed wrong and cruel, after all he’d gone through as a SEAL, to have to still experience things in dreams.

“Alex.” She slid off the bed and inched closer to him. “It’s Becca. You need to wake up.”

She reached out to touch him and he moved away. Something in that ready-to-fight posture slumped. She moved toward him again and tried to touch his shoulder, but he jerked away.

“Go back to sleep,” he said roughly.

“Come back to bed,” she returned, trying to keep her shaky emotions out of her voice.

“No. I need to go to my own room.”

“Alex. It’s all right. You had a nightmare and—”

“I know what I had. I’m going to my own room. And you’re going to stay here.”

“But—”

“No buts.” He straightened, and even though it was dark, she knew he was still shaking. That he was shaken.

She followed him to the door, unwilling to let him walk away scared. He needed a hug and someone to comfort him.

She took his arm, but he jerked away. Violently.

“Do not touch me right now.”

“Just let me hold you,” she implored. Maybe it wouldn’t fix anything, but it couldn’t hurt him.

“No.” He made a sound she didn’t know how to classify. Certainly not anything remotely kind. “Give me space, Becca.”

“I don’t think that’s what you need.”

“I don’t give a shit what you think I need,” he returned, frustration and fury in his tone, but there was something underneath it all. Something she wondered about. Fear maybe?

“I know what I need and it’s to be left the hell alone.” He paused at the door and she knew him well enough to know he regretted those harsh words. He was not a man comfortable with lashing out at people. “I’m sorry for yelling, but trust me, you don’t want any part of this.”

“I do want part of it,” she replied, heart aching. Yeah, it was sad and maybe a little scary, but it didn’t mean she wanted to pretend it wasn’t there. It was part of him, and he was who she wanted. “I want to help you.”

“You don’t.”

She knew she shouldn’t get mad. Not when he was upset from a nightmare, but the way he refused to take her words at face value was too much. “I want to comfort you and make you feel safe. If you can’t take that, all right, that’s fine,” she said, her voice wavering. “But don’t sit there and tell me it’s for my own good or what I don’t want when I know what I want. I know what I want from you, and I don’t think you have a clue of what I’m capable of withstanding.”

His back was still to her and he didn’t move. She held her breath and hoped he would realize she wasn’t stupid. She knew whatever he was dealing with wasn’t easy. He hadn’t led an easy life, and leaving the military didn’t magically make all those things he’d seen and done go away.

“I’m going to sleep in my own bed so you can get some sleep. So I can…”

“You can what? Pretend it never happened? Tell me about it, Alex. Maybe if you talk—”

He whirled on her then, clearly at his wit’s end. She shouldn’t have been poking at him when he was dealing with so much, but…but what was she supposed to do? Just shut up and let him pretend like this wasn’t happening? Pretend he was fine and not dealing with something hard and serious?

Doubt crept in as he advanced on her. Actually, maybe he knew exactly what he needed. He was the one who’d seen the awful things. Maybe she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.

“You want this to be something, right? Me and you?”

She lifted her chin even though she felt like cowering. She knew no matter what she ended up saying or agreeing to, she couldn’t be defeated by it. She couldn’t let him intimidate her. Even if he did.

“Yes, I do.”

“Then you let me deal with this my own way. That is the beginning and the end of it. We don’t discuss my nightmares. You don’t worry about me because I have my shit handled.”

She swallowed, because she wanted to argue, but at the same time, how was it her place to argue? She didn’t know anything. Maybe…maybe she was wrong.

Except he clearly did not have his shit handled, and she didn’t even care that he didn’t. She just wanted…she wanted him to trust her with it. But maybe they had to build up to that, and maybe that was okay.

“Can I give you a hug good night?” she asked. Having to ask that was…well, not what she might have expected. But she’d deal. She’d find a way to deal.

He gave a terse nod, and she moved forward and wrapped her arms around him, wishing she could soothe or fix or whatever it was he needed. But she couldn’t. All she could do was offer hugs. All she could do was brush her mouth across his. “I had a really lovely night.”

“Until now.”

She looked up at him, his dark eyes tormented even in the low light. She brushed her fingertips across his jaw gently, thoughtfully. “It was the perfect night. Thank you.” Because it didn’t matter if he left now. Everything that came before had been perfect.

She heard him swallow and eventually he lowered his mouth to hers. “For me too. Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Then he stepped out of the circle of her arms and left her room. Leaving her feeling confused, alone, and restless.

Which wasn’t exactly what she’d been hoping for, but life was never as perfect as a person wanted it to be. Tonight had been really great. If she deleted these last ten minutes, it really had been absolutely perfect.

She’d give him his space and she’d respect his wishes, and slowly he’d come to trust her. She had to believe this was building to something, which meant laying a foundation first.

She wanted them to work, and she would find a way to make it happen. That was life right there. Working toward good, no matter what blood, sweat, and tears you had to put into it. Burt had taught her that.

She wouldn’t fail.