Chapter 23

There was dust and sand everywhere, choking the air, burning his eyes, his nose, his mouth. He couldn’t see, he could barely breathe, but he knew he had to keep moving or his men would die.

They would die, and that would be on his head even if he died too. His legacy. A failure. The cause of so many deaths.

Mom’s voice. No, not that car. Afghanistan. That car. A grenade. Had to get out or down or something.

So he pressed forward. Except he didn’t have his pack or his gun. He didn’t have anything to fight with. He was in this swirling mass of a desert, defenseless, with men to save, and he had nothing.

Something touched him and he whirled to fight it off with his bare hands, but he was knocked flat, and after a few disorienting moments, he realized he was…

Montana.

Home.

Not a soldier. Not a SEAL. Not anymore.

He blinked up at the figure before him. Jack.

“Hey,” he offered, though the response came out scraped raw.

“Care to explain?” Jack asked in an even tone that failed to hide the myriad emotions in his expression.

“Nope.” Alex swallowed, trying to coat his dry throat with something, anything. He realized then he was sitting on the floor of the bunkhouse, breathing heavily, heart pounding wildly, fictions mixing with truths in his brain.

“Did I…” He’d felt a touch and he’d tried to fight it, hadn’t he? He tried to focus on his surroundings and clear the fog away. Tried to breathe and think and…

Fuck, this was so not good. Not with a bystander. Not in the middle of the day. In the bunkhouse.

“Did you go after me?” Jack supplied, still maddeningly even and so Jack. Cool and vaguely furious. “Kind of, but I knocked you down when you lunged at me, which is a reflex I’m not particularly happy about myself.”

“I’m fine.”

“No. No, that is increasingly not true. For any of us.”

Alex couldn’t believe that. Maybe it was true things weren’t going quite the way he wanted them to be going. But that just meant he needed to try harder. Focus more. He had to be more aware of his surroundings and do better at noticing when things weren’t quite copacetic.

That didn’t mean things were getting worse. It just meant he needed to be more careful. He’d gotten lenient. He’d been enjoying things too much lately and letting his guard down. He needed to focus again and work on being in tune with everything.

He needed to finish this fucking bunkhouse. They needed to get men here. Once that mission was completed…

This didn’t have to mean something, and it didn’t have to be a big deal. He got up off the ground and brushed the dirt off his pants. They’d made good progress on the bunkhouse. That’s what was important. If the whole idea of exercising himself into not having nightmares was making him have them during the day, well, then he would change what he was doing.

It wasn’t getting worse. He refused to accept that.

“Alex. This is not good.”

“It’s fine,” Alex returned, looking around and trying to remember what he’d been working on.

“Look. Nightmares are one thing. We all have them and probably always will, but the middle of the day? Anyone could’ve walked in here. Becca could have been the one to walk in here.”

“What are you saying? I’m some kind of threat to Becca?” Alex demanded, a sick feeling he refused to name sinking into his gut.

“I don’t know. All I know is I walk in here and you lunged at me. Maybe if I thought you took that seriously I wouldn’t be concerned, but you refuse to accept that this isn’t normal.”

“It was nothing. I must’ve dozed off. I’ve been working really hard.” He’d change that. He’d fix it.

“Alex, you were wide awake. You were moving through here like you were in some fucking war zone. Having, you know, been there with you when you’ve done that, I know.”

Alex didn’t say anything. He wasn’t having this conversation. He wasn’t…

“You want me to pretend that didn’t happen?” Jack asked incredulously, not taking the fucking hint. “You want me to ignore you’re having some sort of waking whatever?”

“Yeah. Because it was nothing. I’ll fix it.” And he would. He would keep making adjustments until this didn’t happen anymore. If all of his adjustments so far hadn’t worked, he’d adjust again until he found the trick. He just needed time to accomplish something, and it would be okay. He would make it okay. Because there were no other options here. He could live with it, or he could make it okay.

What else was there to do?

“Okay, it was nothing. You’ll fix it. So you’re going to tell Becca about it, right?”

Alex tried to stay relaxed or get relaxed. This was not a big deal, and he wouldn’t let Jack turn it into one. But if he was going to maintain that there was nothing amiss here, then he had to remain calm himself.

“Why would I tell Becca anything?”

“Because you two morons are ridiculously happy and damn near inseparable outside of work hours. I don’t want her to be surprised if you accidentally go after her because you’re having some episode.”

“Not happening.”

“Why? Because you will it so?” Jack demanded.

Alex breathed through the anger rioting around inside of him. Jack was just being cautious. And protective. Which was good. It was good they would be protective of each other. Even if it was fucking annoying. “No, it’s because she’s not going to sneak up on me in the middle of the bunkhouse.”

“I did not sneak. It’s the middle of the day.”

“Go find something useful to do and stop bugging me while I’ve still got an ounce of patience left.”

“I’m going to tell her.”

Alex had to fight his initial reaction, which was to punch Jack in the face and tell him this was none of his fucking business. But he was rational. He was calm. He was right. “I don’t sleep with her.”

Jack snorted. “Yeah, you two disappear behind closed doors to play Yahtzee.”

“No, I mean I don’t sleep with her. I’m not putting Becca in any kind of danger. Okay? You don’t need to tell her, because it’s not a factor. I don’t sleep around her.”

“You don’t think it will be a factor eventually?”

“No, because I’m going to get my shit together before…”

“Before what?”

He didn’t know. Before anything serious happened. Before he…whatever. Fuck if he knew, just before. It didn’t matter because he wasn’t going to let anything hurt her until…just until he figured this all out. And he was going to. He’d been figuring out his own shit for a long damn time, and he’d continue to do so.

“I’m handling it, Jack.”

“By pretending it doesn’t exist?”

“No, by trying to find a way to make it stop. I don’t take this lightly, but I am going to fix it.”

“And if you can’t?”

Alex didn’t like to lie. In fact, he thought it was damn cowardly to lie. But if he didn’t get away from Jack soon, he was going to throw a punch.

Because he’s right on the money?

Alex pushed that thought away without hesitation. “Look, that shrink will be here soon enough. Becca’s mom found a place for her, so a few weeks, tops. If I actually do something that makes me think I would be a hazard to someone, I’ll talk to her.”

“You willing to promise that?”

Alex had to clench and unclench his fist to keep himself calm. He couldn’t promise something and go back on it. Maybe he could fib a little, but he couldn’t straight-out break a vow.

“I’m not leaving without your word. That’s one thing I know you won’t go back on,” Jack pressed.

“Fine,” Alex muttered. “You have my word.” He’d just make sure he fixed this whole thing before the shrink got here. Before he had to do anything.

He was going to solve his own problems. He didn’t need anyone’s help and he didn’t need anyone’s pity. He hadn’t expected to have a timeline on that, but that was fine. It was probably best. Because the sooner he got over all this crap, the sooner he could give Becca more. She deserved more.

“On one condition,” Alex added, because hell if he was getting his shit poked into without giving it right back.

Jack tensed and that was when Alex knew he had, maybe not the upper hand, but at least an even hand.

“The same goes for you. You make the same deal with me.”

“Last time I checked I haven’t tried to lunge at you in some sort of waking fugue state.”

“No, but I know you’re not sleeping. At least not at night.”

“Some of us are still in a lot of pain from our injuries,” Jack returned in a growl. “And I’m not going to take those damn painkillers. Last fucking thing I need.”

“That’s fine. But if by the time the shrink gets here you’re not sleeping better, then you need to talk to her or you go back to the doctor about your pain.”

“I’m fucking done with hospitals.”

“Is it a deal or what?”

Jack ran a hand over his hair. “I don’t have a nice, sweet woman waiting for me to get my shit together, Alex.”

“So find one.”

Jack laughed a little bitterly. “Thought I had.” He shook his head.

“It’s been a long time.” For the first time, Alex wondered if it would have been better for Jack to go home and deal with the aftermath of his cheating fiancée.

“Yeah, well, I loved her for a long fucking time. Whatever. You’re right. Been a long time. You giving me your word?”

Alex held out a hand. “If you’re giving me yours, it’s a deal.”

Jack reluctantly shook, which meant Alex had to make sure he worked hard enough not to have to regret it.

* * *

“I have some great news,” Becca said to the three men sitting around her dinner table. She placed the lasagna she’d made in the middle and could barely contain her excitement.

“If this is about the shrink, you’re the only one who’s excited,” Gabe muttered.

“Well, you should be excited. You should be excited that we are building the kind of program you three dreamed up. The Shaws got the cabin on their property all fixed up to be rented out, and Monica should be moving in, in less than a week.”

Jack opened his mouth to say something, likely to complain, so Becca steamrolled right over him. “Which means I can start doing my mentorship hours for the therapeutic horsemanship, and we can start building the program. And if we start building the program, it means we can figure out what your roles will be in terms of the cattle operation.”

“We’ve still got a ways to go on the bunkhouse. We’ve got to get that done before we can bring anyone into the program,” Jack said, clearly needing to get an argument in.

Becca wouldn’t let that deter her excitement in the least. “Thank you, Debbie Downer,” she said, sliding into her seat sandwiched between Alex and Jack. “I am aware of that. But if we get the bunkhouse done and the program done, because we’re working on those two things simultaneously, there’s no reason why we couldn’t open in the fall.”

“You that interested in rushing it?” Gabe asked before shoving a forkful of lasagna in his mouth.

“I’m interested in accomplishing a goal,” Becca returned firmly.

“You two are perfect for each other,” Jack muttered at Alex.

Alex didn’t pay him any attention, so Becca followed suit.

“That’s great news,” Alex offered, smiling and clearly not thinking it was great.

But Becca wasn’t going to dial down her enthusiasm just because these three men were afraid of a mental health professional. In fact, Monica being here was even more exciting because of that prospect. Maybe having a therapist around would…get a few balls rolling for these guys too.

Preferably Alex.

She shoved her own bite of lasagna into her mouth. Things were good, and she was going to keep believing that. So she chattered happily as they ate.

And because she had lucked into working with three really good men, they were mostly good sports about it. Definitely quiet and not excited, but they didn’t tell her to be quiet. They didn’t sigh heavily and roll their eyes. Well, mostly. She’d gotten a few heavy sighs from Gabe and one eye roll from Jack, but that was pretty good, considering.

Dish duty fell to Jack that night, so Becca, Alex, and Gabe retired to the living room. Except when Gabe tried to sit down, Alex jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

“Beat it.”

“What?” Gabe demanded.

“Go find something else to do, somewhere else,” Alex replied.

“You two want to have sex, you have bedrooms for that.”

Becca still couldn’t quite get through those blatant kinds of statements without blushing, no matter that it had been nearly a month. Still, it was better they treated it casually than making a big deal about it.

“Yeah, well, I want to sit on the couch, alone with my woman, and watch a movie. So get out.”

“Your woman. You’re going to put up with chauvinistic bullshit like that, Becca?”

Because she was a very simple creature, and because Alex was kind of superhot when he said my woman, Becca shrugged. “I think so.”

“Un-fucking-believable,” Gabe muttered as he grumbled off upstairs.

“It’s probably not fair to evict him from the premises just because you want to watch a movie with me.”

“Probably. But he was being a dick all afternoon. Had to get back at him somehow.”

“So you don’t want to watch a movie with me?”

“I absolutely will watch a movie with you.” He stopped and turned to face her, grinning. “As long as movie is code for making out on the couch, which will lead to going upstairs.”

“Men really do just have a one-track mind, don’t they?”

“Absolutely. One hundred percent.”

“So, what are we are going to pretend to watch? Oh, I know!” Becca tried to sidestep him and move for the drawer with the DVDs, but Alex blocked her.

“No. No chick flicks.”

“What does it matter if we’re only going to make out through it?” She smiled sweetly at him, batting her eyelashes.

“Nope. Uh-uh. You’ll stop at certain parts and say, ‘oh, isn’t that romantic,’ and then I’ll have to pretend like I give a crap about a guy on his knees in the rain giving some lame-ass speech. There will be no rain-filled lame-ass speeches from me.”

Since she could see the teasing glint in his eyes, and she wasn’t particularly looking for any rain-soaked speeches, she took a step toward him. She touched her fingers to the lettering on his T-shirt.

“I thought I was your woman,” she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes. It was amazing, still, all these weeks later, the way she never felt…shy or fidgety flirting with him. It was easy. He made it easy, because she trusted him to…well, not embarrass her or make her feel silly.

He tugged her into his hard chest in that way that she had yet to get tired of.

“You are my woman. You’re not going to lecture me about all that possession crap are you?”

“No,” she replied, winding her arms around his neck. “I quite like the idea of being your woman.”

“Good.” He dropped his mouth to hers, somehow both possessive and sweet at the same time.

“Can’t we go upstairs and forgo the making out on the couch part?” she asked against his mouth.

He chuckled. “Oh, I do like you, Bec. But I have to piss off Jack first.”

“Why do you have to piss anyone off?”

“Because that’s what we do.”

Which seemed silly enough to her, but what did it matter when his mouth was so close? When his arms were around her? When she had a blissful night of him ahead of her?

It didn’t take long to forget. To lose herself in the kiss. She sighed and melted into it, beyond happy. She’d never expected love to be so easy.

And, oh crud. She was in love with him. Which she’d kind of suspected, maybe for this whole time, but she’d been able to keep those thoughts pushed away. The more she let them run free in her head, the more she was afraid she would blurt it out one day and scare Alex off irrevocably.

She knew Alex liked her, and maybe he even could love her. She wouldn’t be surprised. He was not a man meant for a lot of superficial entanglements, and he certainly wouldn’t get tangled up with her if it were only superficial. But she also knew he had a lot of…issues and reservations. If he admitted to love, he’d have to start facing some of those things he was so desperate to pretend didn’t exist.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured against her mouth.

“Nothing.”

“You stopped kissing me back.”

“Oh. Sorry. I got lost in thought.”

He pulled back a little, frowning. “Ouch, my ego.”

“That’s not what I mea—”

“That’s okay. I’ll just up my game.” His mouth devoured hers this time, kissing until she was boneless and nearly completely dead.

“Oh, come on,” Jack’s voice interrupted. “You guys suck.” Jack stormed off upstairs and Alex laughed. And laughed.

“You’re mean,” Becca said, though she had to admit his laughter did perilous things to her already shaky heart.

“Only when they deserve it.”

“Let’s go to my room.”

“Gladly.”

It amazed her continuously how easy this all was. They went to her room, and they undressed each other, laughing and happy. She hadn’t exactly lived a terrible life. After moving here, getting settled, getting healthy, she’d had a good few years before they’d lost Burt.

But it wasn’t like this. The giddy delight in finding someone who seemed to delight in her, who made her feel like a million bucks all the time.

They fell onto her bed and came together on a matching groan of satisfaction. It was good. Always so good. The coming together like this, having his rough hands on her, feeling the calluses scrape against her skin. His mouth all over her. Tasting her. Making her feel worshipped and perfect.

It never got old, the feel of him moving with her, of being joined together. Finding new ways to drive each other crazy and over that tumbling edge.

She was head over heels in love with him. Because every night was wonderful. Every night he found new ways to make her groan and laugh.

Every night she felt more like she’d found her life. She’d found the person she’d always wanted to be and the life she’d always wanted to live. It was so big and so great she couldn’t even be scared.

He brought her to orgasm in a quick rush and then found his own in a leisurely exploration that had her losing herself all over again.

How could she not think this was perfect? How could she not want more of it? How could she not want to give all her love to him and not be afraid he wasn’t ready for it?

If she could convince him to stay, then she could tell him. Say those words, and even if he wasn’t ready, it might be a step. Because she dreaded this moment every night.

The aftermath of a good day, laughter, conversation, amazing sex. Together in bed, happily sated and realizing he was going to leave. That he wouldn’t spend the night until he felt like he’d overcome this thing in his head.

She understood him, too well, and much like her relationship with her mother, it made everything more complicated. Because she understood where they were coming from, and she wanted to be able to give them that thing that they wanted from her, but it wasn’t what she wanted.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured, tracing a hand up and down her arm. “You got all tense again.”

She leaned into him, curling around him, burrowing into him. This was her favorite place to be, and she got so little of it.

In the light of day, she always talked herself out of asking for more. She could tell herself to give him time, to give him space. She reminded herself that so much of this was wonderful and perfect, so why focus on the one little thing that wasn’t?

Except the more she experienced, the more she understood that this wasn’t…right. She was beginning to think it wasn’t healthy. It was something broken. A kind of fracture, and it wasn’t going to heal.

Not if she kept ignoring it.

“Alex…” She stayed pressed to him but tilted her head back so she could look into his eyes. “Stay.”

There was a flash of pain in his eyes, and she hated putting it there, but Mom had said love could hurt. Love did hurt. “Please, I want you to.” Because talking to Mom instead of sparing her feelings or avoiding conflict had been a positive. It could be the same here.

“Better not.” He kissed her temple then slid out of bed.

“Alex—”

“I know, Bec. I know. I’m working on it.”

“Working on what?”

He shrugged, pulling his clothes on carefully, not looking at her. “Just…everything. It’ll happen eventually.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. The word eventually was so bland. So meaningless. “You know the nightmares don’t bother me, and I know they bother you. That doesn’t mean you can’t stay. It doesn’t mean—”

“Please.”

He stood so ramrod straight, so tense, but it was that please that broke her. How could she push when he sounded so…

“Don’t push, okay? Give me time.” When he did finally look at her, it was that stoic, blank soldier look.

It broke her heart, and something awful and heavy stuck in her gut. She tried not to think this was always the way it was going to be. He was working on it—him admitting to working on it rather than ignoring the nightmares existed was some kind of progress.

Wasn’t it?

Fully dressed, Alex leaned over and brushed a kiss against her mouth. “Good night.” But he didn’t straighten right away. He stood, bent over her, studying her face, and for a moment…

She held her breath, willing him to say the words. Willing it to be a step.

But in the end, he said nothing. He just straightened and walked out of her bedroom, leaving her alone.

Hannibal meowed from the end of the bed where he’d resettled himself after Alex had gotten up. Becca sighed. “Sorry. You’re not the company I want.”

She wanted Alex’s company, his trust, his full heart—and was starting to worry that was the one thing she’d never have.