Chapter 25

Alex couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Of all the ways he had expected things to go wrong with Becca, this certainly wasn’t one of them.

He had never expected her to push for more. Certainly not after almost a month. But here she was, standing up for more, and maybe he should’ve known this would happen all along.

Becca had learned to go after what she wanted. She’d grown into the kind of woman who’d not just ask for it, but demand it.

Why couldn’t she give him more time? He could give these things to her. Soon even. He just had to finish a few projects, then things would get better.

Why wasn’t she giving him the damn time? “So you love me, but this isn’t going to work out because I can’t be exactly what you want me to be right this second?”

Tears shimmered in her eyes. He had to look away from that.

“Alex, I’m not asking you to be anyone but yourself,” she said in an even voice that grated along his skin. “You can be anal and a neat freak and plan as much as you need to. You can be Mr. Strong and In Charge. But I will not let you shut me out. Not because it hurts me so much, even though it does, but because it is hurting you. Because I love you, and I care about you, and I want you to be okay and happy, and you are not. You’ve gotten worse.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t think I’ve noticed how little you sleep and how hard you work? How you’re trying to exhaust yourself, all so you don’t have to deal with whatever’s haunting you? You’ve lost weight. Your color is off. I haven’t said anything because I didn’t think it was my place.”

“I have not lost weight.”

“My ass. Look at your pants.”

He glanced down at his buttoned pants, and yes, they hung a little low, but honestly weight loss was to be expected. He’d spent the past year visiting hospitals and driving around in Texas. He’d worked out, but his life hadn’t been hard ranch work.

The weight loss made sense. It did.

“You are doing everything in your power to ignore this. But the one thing you have refused to accept is that maybe you can’t ignore it. Maybe it is part of you. And maybe pushing it away and pretending like it’s not there is making everything worse.”

That was when he knew what this was really about. Because something had to be pushing her here and not just him being unwilling to share her bed at night.

“Jack told you, didn’t he?”

Her eyebrows drew together. “Told me what?”

There was something clawing at him and he had to breathe through it, remain calm, form a battle plan to survive. It was what he did. Who he was.

“Alex, what do you think Jack told me?”

“Nothing.”

Becca shook her head, some of those tears spilling over. “I can’t do this. I can’t…I can’t be shut out of things. Secrets aren’t fair. To me or to you.”

“This is not love,” he muttered. She wanted to act like she loved him? Love was… Well, it wasn’t pissing on a person, that was for sure.

“Sometimes I wonder if you even know what love is. Maybe you’re so bound to duty and responsibility, you wouldn’t know it if it bit you in the ass. I don’t want to fight with you. All I want to do is love you. And hold you. And help you. I want you to want the same for me. But it can’t be one-sided.”

“Why the hell not?” he blurted out. He would protect her. He would love her in his way. She just had to accept that there were some things to be…avoided.

She shook her head, those tears on her cheeks killing him slowly.

“I don’t know,” she croaked. “If I could make it one-sided, I would. If I could ignore this one thing for everything else, I would. But I don’t know how. I have been trying for weeks. The other night, I let you go even though it broke my damn heart. I kept telling myself this is too good and too right to throw away for something so trivial.”

She closed her eyes as more tears fell over and he had to look away again.

“But I knew. Deep down I knew you wouldn’t… You’re so married to this idea of yourself as the strong leader that you will not let your guard down for anything. All I’m asking is for you to let me in. I’m not asking for anything else. You just need to let me know what’s going on.”

But she was asking for him to change the very essence of who he was, who he’d been since he’d found that control after Mom’s accident. She was asking him to admit things that weren’t true. At all. So maybe things had felt a little worse lately, but he was fixing it. He was finding a way to recover before the shrink got here. Becca wasn’t giving him time. With enough time, he would make it all right.

Without dragging her into it. Without making her cry because of the things he said or did. The thought of hurting her… He’d lunged at Jack, and the idea he might do the same to Becca… If he was in control of things, he knew he wouldn’t, but when she was asking him for more? For all?

He couldn’t do that. He needed more time.

So maybe they’d step away from each other right now, but once he managed to fix everything, he would tell her…but he couldn’t tell her now.

“I should go.”

She nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks, but that would be fine. He would fix it. He had to believe that even walking away with her crying and hurt, he would find a way to fix it.

That was what he did.

That was who he was.

And in all his life, it had never been so hard to believe.

* * *

Becca was glad that it was a busy workweek and she could throw herself into that instead of worrying about Alex. Anything was better than thinking about how lonely the last few days had been without him kissing her or making her laugh. Anything was better than missing making him laugh or the happy little thrill when he came by during the day to “check in on her.”

She kept hoping every random time she caught a glimpse of him that he was coming over to talk. To apologize. To say he would open up to her if she’d just take him back.

It was awful, this wanting him and not wanting him at the same time. It was awful second-guessing herself every time she saw him. Wondering if she should have let it go. Wondering if she should have not demanded so much. Who was she to demand anything from him?

But that’s what it always came back to. She knew he wasn’t okay. She didn’t think Jack and Gabe were particularly okay either, but she could only handle trying to fix one person at a time.

Which wasn’t the right word because that was the word Alex was forever using. Fix. He didn’t need to be fixed. He needed to let go. Not be so afraid of whatever it was he was afraid to find if he stayed in her bed or told her his fears.

She didn’t understand why that was such a terrible prospect for him, except maybe she did.

How long had she avoided people even after being healthy? All because she hadn’t known what to say or how to be normal or accepted. She hadn’t known how to make conversation, so she just hadn’t. Maybe Alex didn’t know how to open up.

Unfortunately, her hard line of saying he had to do it kind of ruined her opportunity to show him how.

Except hadn’t she shown him? Just by doing it herself with him? She had been so completely open. She blinked hard and focused on the mountains in the distance as she drove up to the Shaw ranch.

Monica should have arrived this morning, and Becca had wanted to stop by and see if she could help unload the truck. The cabin was tucked away on the east side of the Shaw property, and as Becca curved around the tree line, the cabin and a moving truck came into view.

She parked next to a little car that must have been pulled by the moving truck.

Earlier in the month, she had been excited about Monica arriving, but she’d lost that excitement sometime this week. She didn’t want the complex emotions that came with this.

It all seemed so hard and really, really painful. She should have lived and let live the whole damn time.

There was a young boy hefting a box out of the back of the moving truck as Monica stepped out of the front door.

Becca got out of her truck and forced a friendly smile. “I figured you’d need some help.”

“Oh, you must’ve missed my phone call. I called up to the ranch just a few minutes ago. I can get most of the stuff in, but I’m going to have to call in some bigger muscle for a few items.”

The little boy tried to scoot past her, but Monica stopped him with a very motherly hand to the shoulder. “Becca, this is my son, Colin. Colin, this is Ms. Denton.”

“Call me Becca. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

The boy gave a half smile and then nodded toward the door. “Can I put this stuff inside?”

Monica nodded and the boy disappeared inside. “He’s not too happy about living in the middle of nowhere.”

“Does he like animals?”

“We’ll find out. I think he’s pretty set on hating everything for a while.”

“I’m sorry.”

Monica shrugged. “It’s no big deal. Children are a constant trial,” she said with a smile. “You get used to it.”

“I’m feeling surprisingly familiar with constant trial,” Becca muttered.

Monica put her to work, and Becca helped carry what boxes and bags she could. But Monica was right. They would need some stronger arms to get the furniture inside. Maybe she could go see if Caleb Shaw could help and tell the guys not to come.

But just as she stepped out of the little cabin, Burt’s truck came into view.

“Please be anyone but Alex,” Becca muttered.

“I think it’s all of them,” Monica said, making Becca jump since she hadn’t realized Monica was right there. “Problems with Alex?”

“Not…professionally,” Becca returned.

“Oh, personally? Now that I find very, very interesting.”

“Well…”

“You don’t have to tell me. I’m constantly, forever nosy. Ignore me, and feel free to tell me to shut up if you want me to. I won’t be offended.”

“It’s just…well…we’ve been sort of…involved.”

Monica smiled, something a little wistful. “Involved. Oh, I miss those days.”

“You do? Fights and not understanding each other and wanting to throttle the other person?”

“Oh yeah,” Monica said earnestly. “I didn’t in the moment, but when you lose someone, you end up missing even the stupidest things.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“No, don’t be,” Monica said, giving her arm a squeeze. “He’s been gone a long time. I’m used to missing. So what did the lunk do? I figure since there’s three of them and two of us, we have to stick together. I’m on your side, girl.”

Becca smiled. “If we add your son, there’s four of them to our two. Even more reason to stick together.”

Monica laughed. “I think we’re going to get along just fine, Becca. So spill the beans before he gets out of the truck.”

“I’m worried about him. I don’t think he’s all right.”

“Oh, honey.” Monica let out a sigh. “That’s a pain I know all too well.”

Alex got out of the truck followed by Gabe. Jack must have stayed at the ranch with Hick.

Alex looked rough. She didn’t know how he kept just looking…worse. Like he was still going through hell, except that denial must be hell in and of itself.

“Hi, Monica. Need some furniture moved?” Alex greeted.

“Thanks for coming, guys. I think we could have done the beds, but the couch is approximately three hundred tons.”

“We’ll get it.”

Colin stepped out of the house. He eyed the two men before taking a little step back into the cabin.

“I see you brought us a grunt,” Gabe offered, his voice loud enough to carry to the boy.

“Oh, I don’t know. He’s very disappointed about living here,” Monica said, eyeing her son. “I’m not sure how much work you’ll get out of him.”

“He is a little tiny. Not sure what kind of work he can do.”

“I’m pretty strong,” Colin said. He took a few forward steps. “I bet I can do a lot.”

“Good,” Gabe said with a nod. “Man to man, we need the help.”

Becca sat back and watched as Gabe easily maneuvered the young boy into conversation. She wasn’t the only one who was surprised. Monica was watching wide-eyed as Gabe stepped inside with her son, so he could show him where to put the couch.

When Becca flicked a glance at Alex, he was staring after his friend a little wide-eyed as well.

“Does he have kids of his own?” Monica asked.

“I don’t think so,” Becca returned, looking at Alex for confirmation.

“No. I think he was the oldest of a big family though. Maybe that’s it. Always had little kids around.”

Monica nodded. “Excuse me. I better check on the instruction Colin’s offering and make sure the couch placement makes real sense and not just video-games sense.”

Monica stepped inside and that left Alex and Becca in the yard next to the moving truck. All by themselves.

Which was fine because they had been doing this all week. Pretending like they didn’t love each other, weren’t bleeding all over the place on the inside at being apart. Or maybe that was just her pretending those things.

Whatever. It was fine. She’d gotten quite good at pretending like she didn’t want to cry every time she saw him. She turned to grab something from the truck, but Alex had moved to the same point and they ended up bumping in to each other.

“Sorry,” she muttered.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Thanks for coming. I know you’re not jazzed about this, so the help is appreciated.”

He shrugged, squinting into the truck. “It is what it is. It’ll be good for the foundation.”

The foundation. Right about now she wanted to say screw the damn foundation. And why shouldn’t she? Why was she pretending like she wasn’t hurt or broken?

Why should she curl up inside of herself to make him comfortable when he was the one who was refusing to help himself? What a waste to kill himself like this. All the hurt and sadness over the past few days crystallized inside of her into something a lot closer to anger.

Anger felt a hell of a lot more active than depression.

“Yes. That’s what’s most important. The foundation. Not your own mental health,” she muttered under her breath, climbing into the truck.

“What was that?” he asked, climbing in after her.

“Nothing.”

“If you think her being here is going to magically change things…”

She whirled to face him, hands on her hips. “If you think being an ass is going to magically change things…”

“I didn’t come here to fight with you,” he returned through gritted teeth.

But she wanted a fight. She wanted something to explode, because this was no better than when she’d been swallowing down all the I-love-yous and pretending like he wasn’t withering away. “Then don’t. You’re Mr. Fine and In Control of Things, aren’t you?”

“I don’t need a shrink,” he said resolutely, crossing his arms over his chest. “I was cleared. End of conversation.”

She snorted. End? No. Definitely not. “Clearly they were so right about you. You’re looking so good! Healthy. Well rested.”

“I’m starting to think you’re the one who needs therapy, Becca.”

“Oh, fuck off,” she returned, because if she didn’t use nasty words, she was afraid she’d haul off and hit him.

“Mom,” a little boy’s voice called. “The short lady just said the f-word.”

Becca closed her eyes and tried to bite back the groan of embarrassment. Until she opened her eyes and Alex was trying not to smile. Which was irritating. Not cute at all.

“I’m sorry. Poor word choice on my part,” Becca said to Colin, but he was grinning.

He grabbed a box clearly marked TOYS. “Mom says that sometimes too,” he offered, clearly pleased with himself. He hefted the box and walked out of the truck.

She sighed and looked back at Alex. He was staring at her, and it wasn’t that irritated, baffled staring she was getting used to. It was the staring that broke her heart and made her wish everything were different.

She didn’t want to fight anymore. It leaked right out of her. “Let’s grab that chair, huh?” she said, gesturing toward a recliner.

“Yeah.”

They moved together, accidentally brushing arms, and it was torture, this thing they were doing.

“I miss you, Bec,” he said quietly, under his breath, clearly regretting it the minute he said it.

“I miss you too,” she said, her heart aching in time with each beat. “But you made your choice, Alex.” Because what was the point if he didn’t get it? If he didn’t want to get it? Mom had said all along you can’t make a man do what he doesn’t want to. So here they were.

When his mouth firmed and his face went blank, she knew here was exactly where they’d stay. One of these days, she’d stop hoping for different.