33
The silver lining to long, tedious road trips was that Sergei didn’t have to do anything but play hockey. He talked to Niko every night when he could, or in the morning when the time difference was too great, but the only thing he had to think about was hockey. Not the future, not how long it had been since he’d gotten laid, and certainly not about Dani. Time, he thought ruefully, didn’t move very fast when you had a broken heart.
The other saving grace to all the travel was that Sergei was finally beginning to feel like he was part of a team. He and Aaron had become extremely close, Jake and Kane joined them whenever possible, and even some of the younger guys were a lot of fun both on and off the ice. They’d won seven in a row as Christmas approached and it felt good to head into the break on a winning streak. It was also nice that he’d been invited to several parties over the holidays. He’d sent Sara home to Minnesota yesterday to spend a few days with her family, and he hadn’t been looking forward to spending the holidays alone. Luckily, Jake had invited them to his house for Christmas Eve and he would spend the evening with Jake, Aaron, Kane and a few others he got along with. It had been a good way to get through the holiday and today they were going to Mr. Caldwell’s house.
There was no valet parking for this party, and he pulled his SUV into a space behind Aaron’s pick-up. He got Niko out of the car, along with the bottle of champagne he’d brought, and they headed inside. Niko had been subdued this morning until he’d gotten to Dani’s presents, several board games he’d wanted. Of course, that meant Sergei had to play Candy Land and Hungry Hungry Hippos over and over until it was time to leave for Mr. Caldwell’s house. He’d never been so grateful for adult interaction. He adored his son but being a single dad during hockey season was exhausting. Sara was wonderful but she wasn’t his mother and Niko wasn’t nearly as attached to her as he’d gotten to Dani.
Dani. Just thinking about her made him sad. Sad for Niko, sad for himself, sad all around. He’d hoped after a few months he’d stop thinking about her, but that hadn’t happened. Niko talked about her every single day, whether it was to ask where she was or when she was coming home or some other random question that tended to make him grit his teeth in frustration. Nothing had changed for him or their situation, so he’d been trying to get past how much he missed her, but it was like all the forces in his life were working against him. Niko brought her up incessantly. Aaron kept in touch with her and updated Sergei on a regular basis, even when Sergei told him not to. Kane and Hailey had become pen pals, introduced on social media via Dani, so even Kane brought up Dani’s name whenever possible. It had gotten to the point where Sergei was beginning to question his decision to let her go. Why were so many people invested in their relationship?
“Merry Christmas, Sergei.” Gage shook his hand and got down on his haunches to talk to Niko.
“How’s it going, big guy? Did Santa bring you lots of stuff?”
Niko scowled. “He didn’t bring me what I wanted.”
“He didn’t?”
Guilt surged through Sergei as he wracked his brain to remember something Niko had asked for that he may have forgotten to buy.
“I wanted Mommy to come home but she didn’t.” Niko looked down.
Gage glanced up at Sergei in confusion since he knew Niko’s mother was dead.
“Buddy, you know Mama D is playing hockey, right?” Sergei kept his voice soft.
“I’m tired of hockey,” Niko announced. “No more hockey for anyone.” He kicked at an invisible item on the carpeted floors.
“Marcella.” Gage turned to one of the women from the catering company. “Do you think you could take Niko to the kitchen and find something he might want to eat? I think there are snowflake cupcakes that might interest him.”
The woman smiled. “Of course, Mr. Caldwell. Come along, Niko. There are quite a few treats in the kitchen no one else has seen yet.”
Niko still looked a little sullen, but obediently took her hand and let her lead him away.
“Sorry about that,” Sergei murmured. “He’s having a rough time since Dani left.”
“He calls her…mommy?” Gage looked surprised.
“No matter what I say or do, he refuses to call her anything else.”
“I take it she’s not coming back?”
“She has a job in Las Vegas after the Olympics, and I can’t ask her to give up a chance to work for an NHL team. That’s not how you treat someone you care about.”
Gage’s face momentarily changed, something dark shadowing his eyes, but then it was gone and he nodded slowly. “And what does Dani want?”
“I…” Sergei cleared his throat. “I’m not sure. I think she wants me, both Niko and me, but I can’t ask her to give up a career opportunity like that to live here in Anchorage. It’s not easy being an NHL wife, and for a woman like her to just sit home and raise a family, well, that seems unfair.”
“Did you ask her what she wants?”
“She said she would do it, give up the job in Vegas, but I know she doesn’t want to. Being the assistant team trainer over there is huge. She’s only twenty-three, so I don’t want her to wake up in ten years and hate me.”
“A long time ago I let someone special walk away. In retrospect, I would do anything to have her back. It’s been nearly ten years since she left and I’ve never gotten over it, never gotten over her.”
“Unless you want to trade me to Vegas, I don’t know how I can do anything but let her go,” Sergei responded, since he wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I could speak with Lonnie.”
Sergei was startled. “You’d do that?”
“He would have to offer me someone special, but that’s how deals are made, my friend. If she’s that important to you, let me see what I can do.”
“I don’t know if she still loves me,” Sergei admitted helplessly. “I hurt her.”
“Talk to her, Sergei. Find out how she feels and let me know.” Gage squeezed his shoulder. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, sir.” Sergei watched him walk away and stared after him for a minute, trying to wrap his head around what he’d just said. Getting traded to the Sidewinders would be ideal, but he wasn’t stupid. Sergei was probably the most well-known player on the Blizzard, so they would look for someone even better to trade for and Vegas had too good of a team to break up their chemistry.
He’d just begun moving towards some of the guys gathered around the fireplace when Matt’s voice could be heard above all the others.
“And she fucking walked through the bar naked, got down on her knees and blew me right there in front of everyone. Then the guy next to me at the bar gave me a hundred bucks to get her to blow him and—”
“She blew him and you got the money?” Kane made a face. “That’s a dick move. What are you, her pimp?”
“Hey, it’s not like she needed convincing. She moved right from me to him and then the guy on his other side too. That girl loves to give head. Right, Sergei?” He turned dark eyes to Sergei in a challenge.
“Not sure who you’re talking about,” Sergei responded flatly.
“Veronika, man. She’s smokin’, right?”
Sergei shrugged. “Not my type.”
“What, you prefer that muscular blonde who’s probably got a dick bigger than yours?”
Everyone froze as Sergei’s eyes narrowed and he turned slowly to face Matt.
“What did you say?”
“Come on, she has more muscles than I do, for fuck’s sake. Did you actually get to fuck her? I mean, she dated that faggot on the Sidewinders too, so she probably has a dick. Did you check when you—” He wasn’t able to finish because Sergei’s fist shot out and caught him square in the mouth, sending him sprawling.
“What the fuck?!” Matt roared to his feet, but Kane caught him from behind and Jake stepped between them, putting out his hands to stop Sergei from going around him. “Bring it, Petrov. You think it’ll get back to her brother that you defended her dyke ass? I’m not afraid of him either.”
Sergei had momentarily seen red, but now he remembered everything he’d heard about Matt and took a step back, motioning to Jake that he was okay. “What’s funny about this is that Dani doesn’t need defending. She’s a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself. However, if it gets back to her brother that you’ve been talking shit about her, you might need someone to defend you.” He turned and strode toward the kitchen to find Niko. Matt Forbes wasn’t worth his energy, though he would never let anyone talk about her like that, no matter who it was.
He tossed and turned that night. Matt was an idiot, but his words had sparked something in Sergei and it was resonating through his subconscious. He’d defended Dani even though she didn’t need him to, and maybe that was the difference in her and the two other women he’d loved in his life. Maria had needed him to defend her because she never stood up for herself, especially not in Russia when the other wives teased and made fun of her because she didn’t speak the language or share their traditions. Tatiana needed defending from her father, the mob, and a slew of others who had run roughshod over her, and though Sergei had tried, nothing he’d done had ever been enough. It had exhausted him more than he’d ever wanted to admit.
Maybe what made Dani different was that she didn’t need him. She wanted him and loved him—at least he hoped so after how hard he’d tried to push her away—but she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Danielle Cloutier didn’t need defending… All she needed was love. And love was something he had in spades even though he’d been unwilling to admit it.
When he finally dozed off, he dreamed of Tatiana. Their small, intimate wedding day, the day Niko was born, and the day she’d died, her last words to him as she’d faded away forever. Love you. The last thing she’d said as the life drained from her body was “love you.” He moaned, painful memories ripping through him, making him thrash against the sheets. Then something cool, comforting, rested against his skin.
“Tatiana?” He opened his eyes in surprise.
“What are you doing?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and cocking her head in that curious way she’d always had.
“Trying to sleep,” he responded.
“You’re fighting it,” she corrected, reaching out to smooth his hair out of his face. “Why are you fighting it?”
“Everything. Guilt. Moving on. Loving Dani. She loves you so much, Sergei. Why won’t you let yourself be happy with her and love her back?”
“I do love her, but you…” He stopped, frustrated.
“I’m dead.”
“You’re right here.”
“I’m dead, Sergei, but you still have a lifetime in front of you. Don’t waste it. That’s not why I stopped my father from killing you. I did that for you to be happy. Don’t you see? You were never truly happy with me. I know you loved me, but there was always fear, drama, stress that someone from our past would come after us. That’s over now and you can have everything you ever dreamed of if you just give her a chance.”
“What about you?” he whispered, tears puddling in his eyes.
“I’m free now, my love. No more stress, no more fear, just love and light and freedom. Goodbye, Sergei. Think about what I’ve said.” She leaned forward and slowly pressed her lips to his.
Sergei jerked awake and sat straight up in bed, looking around wildly.
Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream. He repeated the words until his pounding heart settled and relaxed again. Fuck, that had been too realistic for his own good. Her touch, her voice, it had been real. It wasn’t, of course, but it felt that way. It had been eerie, seeing her so vividly, hearing her talking to him in the present tense, as if she were still here. Hearing her talk about Dani was even stranger. But there it was: Even his dead wife wanted him to be with Dani. Fuck.
He managed to get up and pad into the bathroom, relieving himself and then standing under the warm spray of the shower until his skin was pruny and he was a little chilly. He dried off, pulled on sweats and a T-shirt and grabbed his phone. It was after seven in Las Vegas, so Toli would be awake.
“Good morning!” Toli sounded as cheerful as ever when he answered.
“Hey.”
“What’s up?”
“I need your help.”
“I love her, Toli.”
“Duh. Seems like you’re the only one who didn’t know.”
“I need you to help me win her back. I fucked up everything.”
“You did.”
“I need help coming up with something really big, a way I can surprise her in Seattle.”
“Buy her a ring.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s a given, but she has to forgive me before I can propose and I think there will be groveling involved. Will you help me or not?”
Toli laughed. “Do you really need to ask?”