“If…”

Bianca looked up at me with big doe eyes. The want and need practically pouring out of her was my undoing.

I cleared my throat as I ran a hand behind my neck. “If I could use your bathroom before I head out?”

Awkward silence hung in the air while my words registered. Slowly she blinked. Once and then twice.

“Yeah, sure. Of course. First door on the left.” Her voice wavered.

I bolted for the bathroom, holding my breath until the door was closed and locked behind me.

Resting both hands on the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror.

“What the fuck?” I hissed at my reflection. “Chicken shit.”

I’d just had the best night that I could ever remember having with a woman. I’d let my guard down, just been myself and we’d connected. I’d felt it. She’d felt it.

Pushing off the sink, I looked around the small but tidy space. It was too organized to be shared by two women, but it smelled like Bianca. A small, open makeup bag rested on the counter next to the sink and I hooked one finger inside to pull it open wider. It all looked like basic girly toiletries that could have belonged to any woman except for one item. The blue eyeliner.

I smiled as I picked it up and read the label – electric blue. Fitting. She’d zapped me into another dimension with those eyes of hers.

Replaying the night as I rolled the blue pencil-like tube in my hand, I almost felt like laughing if it weren’t so messed up. I’d wanted to ask her to be my plus one for the Sterling’s wedding reception. I’m not even sure why. I couldn’t get her involved in all that. And even if I were going as just a friendly client, she was twenty-two.

Twenty-two.

Christ, when I was her age, the idea of being a plus one with a thirty-four-year-old would have made me curl my lip. Even if the invite had been to the fucking moon.

I’d been just about to ask her and then she’d looked up at me with big, wanting eyes. Those blue irises the color at the bottom of a flame. Electric blue. I’d never think of them any other way now. They had disarmed me. I had no idea what I was doing with Bianca and it was starting to seriously mess with my head.

Inviting her into my life – on a freaking date - would have ended one of two ways.

Scenario one, awkward laughter from her followed by a quick cover up on my part. She’d do that nervous, strained laugh I heard from her so often and then I’d say something like “Just kidding, 8B. I just wanted to see how you respond when asked out on a date.” Yeah, I’d probably have turned it into a fucking teaching moment because wasn’t that what this still was?

Scenario two, she said yes way too excitedly and then by the time the reception rolled around she’d be dating Todd and I’d have to spend the evening pretending I wasn’t interested in being more than a mentor. Or worse, listening to her go on and on about the prick.

I groaned. I needed to get back out there and out the front door before I made a bigger ass of myself. I uncapped the blue eye makeup pencil and wrote her a note on the mirror. I smiled at my messy blue writing. Hopefully I’d redeem myself in the gesture. It didn’t feel like it could get worse.

I returned the eyeliner to the bag and gave myself a silent pep talk as I walked back to the living room where Bianca was busy cleaning up empty candy wrappers and dirty glasses.

“Guess I should get going. I’ve got an early flight out tomorrow.” I shoved my hands in my pockets but then thought better of it. “Here let me help.”

“Oh no, it’s not necessary. I’ve got it.”

She waved me off, but I stepped forward and reached for the glasses she had tucked between her arm and side.

“Thanks,” she said as I took them from her. Her eyes flitted up to meet mine and quickly away. I’d made her unsure and apprehensive and I fucking hated that.

After we’d tossed the trash and put the glasses in the dishwasher, Bianca walked me to the door. I hovered just outside of the doorway feeling like a coward. I had to give her something. I couldn’t leave here tonight without her knowing it had meant something to me.

I reached for her hand and clasped our fingers together. Her breath hitched, but she didn’t make a move toward me. Our hands bridged the gap that neither of us was brave enough to cross on our own.

Fuck it.

I pulled her to me and leaned down so that my lips were at her ear. She went still as I sang the opening to Glycerine. I was no Gavin, but as she turned her head to meet my gaze it didn’t matter. Fuck, Rossdale. He didn’t have her. And the look she gave me told me I did.

I stepped back before I did anything stupid like push her into the apartment with me on top of her.

Without looking back, I called out into the night like I was a rockstar dropping the mic and rushing off stage. “Sweet dreams, 8B.”

After I returned to New York, Bianca and I continued talking every day. Most days we texted all day long. I woke up to good morning and have a good day greetings. She filled me in on her days – how class went, what she had for lunch – it sounded lame, I know, but I loved every second of it. I couldn’t wait to see what she’d type next. She didn’t mention Todd outright anymore and I certainly didn’t ask or try and keep up the rouse that my interest was purely in helping her win him over.

As I got to know Bianca more and she talked more of her family and friends, I realized how big her circle was. It stung when she talked about the happy memories of her childhood. I’d avoided friends or women with happy families. It wasn’t a conscious decision, at least not at first. At first it was by chance.

When you’re fifteen years old hanging on the streets past dark with no one checking in on you or yelling at you to get your ass home, it makes sense that your closest friends were going to be people in the same situation.

I’d once had a friend, Ray, who I’d really liked quite a bit. We had a lot in common – even the large chip that we carried around on our shoulders, but when Ray invited me over to play Xbox for the first time I’d arrived at his very upper class, Brady Bunch house, and realized the chip on his shoulder was fake. It was just something he was trying on for size, like playing a broody Heathcliff because it felt cool. After I’d wiped the drool off my face when I got a look at his very nice, very big house I thought surely his parents must be grade A assholes, but when I asked him about his family, he just shrugged a shoulder and said, “Eh, they’re alright just always getting on my case about trying harder in school.”

That was his biggest fucking problem? It was unbelievable and cruel, and I never went back.

Suffice to say, it may not have been a conscious decision, but my small circle of friends were from backgrounds as fucked up as mine. We weren’t playing a part or doing it to piss off our parents – we wished. We were the real deal. The sad sops whose stories made others uncomfortable.

Bianca was the first person I’d ever connected with who had a happy, functioning family life and that part of her made my dark feel darker, but all the good, all the light she brought outweighed the dark and I found it was worth it to be uncomfortable when I was near her.

However, I was seriously second guessing if she was worth it as I walked up to the Winters’ family home for the first time. Bianca had flown into town for her in-person interview tomorrow with JC Engineering and like a fool who couldn’t stay away I’d come straight from work when she’d texted and asked if I had plans.

“You made it,” Bianca said as she opened the door wide. There was a moment hesitation where it looked like she might throw her arms around me and pull me into a hug. And man, I wanted that. I wanted to feel her arms wrapped around my neck and her body flush up against mine. Instead, I stutter stepped into the house with my hands shoved in my pockets.

She wore a nervous smile and another one of her oversized dresses – this one in a light orange with big pink flowers. It seemed fitting, her old dresses and funky eye makeup, when placed against the backdrop of her family home. Mismatched furniture, shelves of knick-knacks, sketches pinned to the wall with tacks, framed pictures on nearly every surface – it wasn’t stylish, but it was lovely. And it was clear even without insider knowledge that this was a home filled with love.

“You too. What time did your flight get in?”

“Around noon,” she said as she shut the door behind me and led me through the house. “Everyone is out. My parents are at work until this evening and the twins should be home anytime, I think. They’re hard to keep track of.”

I nodded to indicate I was listening to her, even though she wasn’t looking at me, as I took in every detail of the house. Eight by eleven posed school pictures hung in cheap golden frames in the hallway. Bianca’s picture caught my attention first. Her hair was shorter and her face a little softer and younger, but the same blue eyes and reserved smile stared back at me.

On either side of her, matching frames held photos of her brothers. Despite the fact I knew they were twins, it was obvious from the pictures that their style and looks were different. One brother had shaggy blond hair and wore a graphic tee that I couldn’t quite make out the design of from the small portion not cut off in the frame. The second brother had shorter hair, worn longer on top but styled in a clean-cut way. He was wearing a black polo shirt that completed the preppy look that was such a weird contradiction to his brother. The one thing that there was no mistaking was they were related.

All three Winters children had the same blue eyes that burned into your soul. It was hard to look at those eyes on the face of her brothers when I’d started to associate them with being purely Bianca.

“That’s Leo,” she said pointing to the one with shaggy hair. “And that’s Donnie.” She swept her hand in the direction of the preppy twin.

I didn’t have time to do much more than nod before she was moving down to another framed photo, this one of a bride and groom circa the late eighties if the big hair and poufy dress were any indication. “My parents. Obviously, they don’t look much like that anymore.”

I peeled my eyes from the photos to Bianca standing beside me. She shuffled her feet and fidgeted with her hands clasped together in front of her stomach. She was nervous. What about, I wasn’t sure, but it comforted me somehow. Her insecurities brought out the same protective male instinct that her simple and honest reactions did. I wanted to comfort her and be someone that made her feel secure and confident to be herself.

“It looks like you have a really nice family,” I stated, and I meant it. This was not a home of pretention or overtures. The house was small, and the furnishings were out dated, but it was clean and organized and the feat that alone must have been with two teenage boys at home didn’t go unnoticed by me.

“Do you want something to drink?” she motioned toward the small kitchen.

I surprised myself by answering, “Actually, there’s somewhere I’d like to take you.”

I’d caught her off guard, too, by the look on her face. “Okay, let me just grab my purse and leave a note for my family.”

“I’ll get you back early,” I promised after she’d scribbled out something on a piece of paper.

“Where are we going?” she asked once we were outside.

I grabbed her hand and brought it up to my lips and placed a soft kiss to the back. “You’ll see.”

I knew Leika would be surprised at my willingly bringing a girl to our spot. Neither of us ever brought dates with us unless it was serious. Leika had brought a few others before Jeff, but I’d never brought anyone. And no, I wasn’t counting the numerous women Leika has blindsided me with by inviting them to “drop by” so she could introduce us.

I knew Leika would be surprised but the look on her face as I introduced her to Bianca was priceless. Her dark eyes widened and if her lips pulled her smile any bigger her face would split in two.

“Court didn’t tell me he was seeing anyone.” She gave me a look of approval even though her words hinted at a betrayal.

Bianca blushed, but I didn’t contradict Leika. She wouldn’t believe me even if I told her Bianca and I were just friends. “Bianca is just in town for an interview. She goes to school in Connecticut.”

“Oooh.” A million questions flashed by on her face, but Leika turned all her attention to Bianca and the two of them sat side by side like old friends as Leika gushed over her and peppered her with questions.

“I’m gonna get drinks,” I said to no one because neither was paying me any attention. It appeared that Bianca didn’t mind the way Leika was fawning over her because she was smiling and singularly focused on whatever they were talking about.

From the bar I continued to watch them and a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying lifted. Leika was important. She was the closest thing I had to family and I wanted her to approve of Bianca – even to like her. I hadn’t realized I needed that so much before I could situate my feelings for Bianca, but now that my mind was at ease, I let my gaze slide to the young woman and something stirred in my chest. I wanted her. Not in the one night, maybe see where things go kind of way. I wanted her to be something more. When was the last time I wanted anyone like that? Had there ever been a time?

As I got back to the table, Leika finally took a breath and the women looked at me as I slid in across from them. Bianca’s phone started ringing and she fished through her purse, pulling out the device and waving it as she said, “It’s my mom. I’ll be right back.”

After she was out of ear shot, Leika leaned across the table and whisper-yelled, “Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me you were dating? And a college girl? How long has this been going on?”

“We’re not dating. I met her on a flight to Connecticut and we’ve kept in touch.”

“This just gets better and better.”

“What?”

“You haven’t slept with her.” It was a statement and not a question, so I didn’t bother confirming it.

“Court, this is huge. I know saying I’m proud of you sounds condescending but screw it – I’m proud of you. She seems smart and level headed and the way she talks about you with stars in her eyes it’s obvious she’s smitten too.”

“I –” Fuck, I didn’t know what to say.

“Sorry,” Bianca said as she slid back in beside Leika. “No matter how long I’m gone, as soon as I come back to New York my mother needs a play by play of my whereabouts.”

Leika and I shared a quick look. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to know she was thinking how nice that would be to have a family that cared so much. We didn’t often talk about our childhood, but it was a wound that hadn’t healed for either of us.

“So how long are you in town?” Leika asked Bianca.

“Through the weekend. I head back to Connecticut on Sunday afternoon.”

“We have to have a party at your place tomorrow night, Court. It’s been months since you’ve had people over and Bianca has to have a proper send off. Maybe it’ll help seal the deal, so we can convince her to take the job and move here.” She linked her arm through Bianca’s.

“I have to get the job first.”

We sat like that, Bianca and Leika across from me, chatting and drinking until Bianca began checking the time on her phone.

“I should get Bianca home. She has to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning for her interview.”

“Aww, I’m sad to see you go, but I just know you’re gonna kill it and we’re gonna be seeing a lot more of each other.” She wrapped her arms around a surprised Bianca and I chuckled under my breath.

“Alright, alright, let the poor girl go.”

Reluctantly, Leika let Bianca go and then proceeded to throw herself onto me next. “You did good, bro,” she whispered quietly before giving me a light squeeze and pulling back.

The trip back to her parents’ house was quieter and our strides slower.

“Leika’s nice.”

“Nice,” I chuckled. “Yeah, she’s nice.”

“Are you two –” the unasked question hung in the air and I suddenly felt like an idiot for not making it clear earlier.

“Leika’s like a sister to me. We’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Oh. I see.”

From her tone, I could tell that no she didn’t see, and I let out a deep breath before divulging more personal information than I ever dreamed of telling her.

“Leika and I lived with the same foster family for a few years before I turned eighteen and was no longer a ward of the state.”

I waited for the canned pity statement or look, but Bianca surprised me by not doing either.

“It’s cool that you’ve kept in touch.”

“She’s the closest thing to family I have.” I shrugged.

And then little 8B took my hand. “Seems like a pretty good person to have as family.”

We shuffled outside her parents’ house. I was reluctant to let the night end and Bianca seemed like there was more she wanted to say but didn’t know how.

I finally broke the ice. “Good luck on your interview tomorrow. Will you let me know how it goes?”

She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself. “Do you want to come in and meet my family?”

“Another time,” I promised and wondered if I’d make good on it. If she’d ever ask again.

“Alright, well...” she dropped her hands in front of her and fidgeted, still not moving.

“Sweet dreams, Bianca,” I said softly, and I stepped forward and brushed my lips against the corner of hers for just a second before turning away. I didn’t look back, but as I walked I felt lighter and younger and on top of the fucking world. She seemed to have that effect on me.