I sat on my bed replaying the whole weekend to Tasha when my phone lit up with a text from Court. The gleam in her eyes and wide smile rivaled mine and that was saying something.
“What’s it say?”
Court: Did you make it back safe, 8B?
“So, are you two like dating now? How did you leave it?”
I groaned. “We didn’t talk about it. I have no idea how to act, what to say. Am I supposed to go on pretending like this is all part of a game to get Todd?”
I hadn’t even thought of Todd while I’d been gone. He hadn’t reached out and I’d been too preoccupied to lament about it. I suppose it was just par for the course. That was always how our relationship had been. A few sparse texts, mostly on the weekends. It wasn’t unusual for us to go days or even weeks without talking.
Also, if I was honest, time in New York had given me time to distance myself from Todd and the up and down guessing games, outright exhaustion that our whatever friendship/relationship was. Maybe there’d been a reason we hadn’t come together on our own. Something that had nothing to do with my not putting myself out there and everything to do with me forcing something that just wasn’t meant to be.
“I think that ship has sailed. Just talk to him.” She stood to leave, stopping at the door and turning back. “It sounds like a pretty nice weekend. Any chance it helped sway your decision to move to New York?”
“Yeah,” I said thinking back to the way Court looked shirtless and cooking in his kitchen. “It really was, but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. He doesn’t do relationships and besides I really want to make this decision for me – for my family. Court, Todd, men – they aren’t certain, but my family has always been there for me.”
She nodded. “Do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
My phone beeped with another text message.
As if on cue, she pointed to the phone at the end of my bed. “Don’t be so quick to discount this one. I like Court. Maybe he’s the guy for you, maybe he’s not, but at least communicate with him and hear what he has to say before you write him off. Even if you stay, maybe it could work. I mean it’s worked for you two so far.”
I nodded, and she gave me a small smile before closing the door behind her.
Court: I’ll be up until I know you’re safe so just text me whenever you can.
Me: I’m back, safe and sound. Thanks for this weekend. It was special.
Court: I’m not sure anyone has ever thanked me for sex before. Saying you’re welcome makes me feel like a giant douche.
Court: You’re welcome
Me: What’s your week like? Traveling?
Court: Actually, I have to come back to CT at the end of the week. Can I see you?
Me: Yeah, I’d like that.
The week passed in a blur. I’d dialed back the number of texts I sent Court each day and he didn’t try to compensate or push me for more. I’d like to say I didn’t fixate over this because I was so busy, but that would have been a lie. Not that I wasn’t busy. Classes were insane, I’d met with my advisor twice about graduate school, and there’d been the obsessing over my decision for next year. Every spare second, though? Those seconds, minutes, and hours between sleep and activities? Those had been filled with Court. I was so keyed up by Thursday that Tasha forced me out of the house for a senior party. Todd texted to see if I’d be coming, but I couldn’t work up the same excitement about seeing him as I’d felt just two weeks before.
“I’m gonna go find Lance. You okay?” Tasha asked as we made a lap at the off-campus house party. Music blared from the speakers set up next to a window in the kitchen and people floated through the old home with plastic cups in their hands. Spring had finally made its way to Connecticut and the backyard was where everyone congregated.
“Yep,” I said finding Todd across the yard. He spotted me at the same time and we moved toward each other.
He smiled, big and cocky like he was genuinely happy to see me. I tried to force the same type of smile back at him, but it felt brittle and small.
“Hey, you look great,” he said letting his gaze fall over the pale-yellow dress and down to the flat sandals I wore. I’d forgone the attempt to dress like someone I thought he’d want and dressed in what I’d wanted. It felt good to have him like what he saw when it was just me, but his approval didn’t make my body hum like it did when Court complimented me.
“Thanks, you too.”
Grabbing my hand, he led me over to the keg and poured me a drink. We circled the party together and I tried to relax – enjoy the moment and not compare it – him to Court.
“Hey, Todd wanna play beer pong? We’re one short.” I recognized the girl as the same one he’d ditched me for only a few weeks ago and the snarky look she gave me told me that she remembered me too and didn’t see me as anymore of a threat now than she did that night.
Todd surprised me, though. And her.
“Nah, gonna hang with B.”
Her mouth dropped open and it was the best thing I’d seen all week. My spirits lifted, and I let Todd tug me away as I gave her a small wave with my free hand.
“It’s fine if you want to go play,” I said when he stopped and pulled me into a quiet corner near the edge of the yard.
“Nah, I just want to hang with you. I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk lately.”
I wanted to laugh because I’d been trying to get his attention for years and now that I had it… it felt like too little too late. But I liked and respected Todd in spite of his fickle behavior.
“How was New York, the interview, tell me everything,” Todd relayed the questions in steady succession like he couldn’t wait to hear the answers to all of them.
“New York was great. The interview went well, they offered me a job.”
He gave me a playful frown, lifting his eyebrows and sticking out his bottom lip in a pout. “Aww, man does that mean you’re leaving me?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t decided. Part of me wants to go back to be closer to my family and help out more with my mom and the boys, but I just don’t know.”
“I get that. How is your mom?” he asked as he lifted the cup to his mouth.
“She’s getting worse,” I told him and let my shoulders sag. “I don’t know how much longer she’s going to be able to work.” A piece of the weight I’d been carrying around lifted as I said the words aloud. It felt good to tell someone that knew the history.
“Has she called my uncle yet?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s still carrying on like things aren’t changing. She’s not ready to accept it.”
“Are they coming for graduation?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Actually, I wasn’t sure they could afford it and I hadn’t asked them outright for that very reason, but I wasn’t about to admit that to Todd. He wouldn’t understand. Couldn’t possibly understand.
“So, let’s have lunch with both our families while they’re here. Maybe once your mom meets my uncle she’ll feel more comfortable. He’s amazing. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling shame for using his connections and gratitude that he was so generous with it.
Todd’s uncle was a neurologist who specialized in treating patients with Parkinson’s. I’d learned that about him freshman year, but it wasn’t until last year when my mother’s symptoms had become more pronounced – the situation seeming imminently dire - that I’d confided in him all my worries about my mom and family. It had been something real we’d shared, and I think it was what had bound us together. So much of college was fake – a life without a lot of rules or responsibilities. Parties on weeknights, days of doing absolutely nothing if that’s what you wanted, and relationships that sometimes only lasted a night. But when I’d opened up, we’d shared something that went beyond our small world here.
“Hey, I told you I’d help, and I will. I got you.” Todd lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.
I gave him a small smile and he grinned down at me. “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I have a family thing, my uncle will be there, come with me?”
“I – I’m sort of seeing someone.” It was a lie. A sort of lie. I wanted to be seeing Court. It felt like we already were. Maybe that was just the fake relationship we’d created, but it didn’t feel fake anymore.
He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and nodded solemnly. “I see.”
Was the disappointment on his face real? I’d never been completely sure of Todd’s feelings. Sometimes he acted like we were more than friends, sometimes not. He was so lackadaisical about the whole thing leaving me to second-guess him at every turn. He was lukewarm, and I wanted passion. I wanted the person I was with to love me in a way that left no doubt. Electric. Passionate. The way that Court made me feel, probably without even trying. It struck me then – maybe it had never been Todd’s feelings that were the problem, but my own.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner, but it just happened. It’s new.”
“I get it,” he said. “Guess I drug my feet a little too long, huh?”
I smiled up at him, but I didn’t respond. For better or worse, my whatever-relationship with Todd was what brought me to Court. And the idea that I might not have met Court if Todd hadn’t been so back and forth filled me with sadness. It had been worth it.
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to introduce my –”
“Give me some credit,” he interrupted. “We’re friends. We’ll be friends no matter what. So, Friday night? No pressure, you can just come as my friend. There’ll be free food and booze,” he added.
I hesitated, and Todd grabbed my hand, swinging it between us. “Just friends.”
“Alright. Yeah, that sounds nice.”
In the course of an hour I’d managed to get Todd to choose me over the allure of party games and girls vying for his attention, invite me off campus to meet his family, and all of this would have made me elated just a month ago. But now it didn’t. I wasn’t elated. I was sure we’d have a good time together and I was excited to meet his family, but my heart and my mind wandered to New York and to Court. I knew what I wanted.
I cut out early under the guise of an early morning meeting, which was true. I needed to call JC Engineering and give them my decision tomorrow. Back at home, I made myself a bowl of Capt’n Crunch and sat on the couch flipping through channels. When I’d watched an entire episode of The Golden Girls without remembering a single thing, I gave up and pulled out my notebook. It was time for a good ole pros and cons list before I was sold on my decision. But when I flipped open the book, I found the rules I’d written. The ones Court had taught me.
- There is no such thing as the friend zone.
- Men just want to have fun. Invite him to play drinking games, etc.
- Dress in trendy but conservative dresses or skirts, heels, hair down, just a touch of makeup.
- No sleeping with his friends.
- Spend time where he is and stay in his line of vision
- Have something prepared to say when you see him – mention his hobbies and ask about his future plans
- Light touching is good
- Don’t overthink things
- Leave him wanting more
- No vag shots – keep texting classy
I’d scribbled notes in the margins and written Court’s name and number for safekeeping. It was almost laughable as I read through the list. I’d done exactly what Court had said and he had gotten me the boy and now all my heart seemed to want was him. I gave in and texted him.
Me: When do you fly out?
Court: Tomorrow morning, but I don’t think I’ll be free until late tomorrow night. I arranged my flight so I don’t go back until Sunday afternoon, can we spend Saturday together?
Me: I don’t know. I might be busy washing my hair.
Court: Is that an invitation for shower sex? If so, kudos for stepping up your sexting game.
I blushed, but the idea wasn’t unwelcome.
Me: Lol. Only you could turn a brush off into an invitation
Court: Aww you trying to get rid of me sweet girl?
As if. I huffed with a dramatic eyeroll that would have made Cher from Clueless proud.
Me: No, definitely not
Definitely, definitely not.