I woke up the next morning to two texts from Court.

Court: Good morning, 8B

Court: Can you meet me after work? I need help picking out an engagement gift for Leika. She told me I couldn’t give her cash.

I chuckled as I rubbed my swollen eyes and yawned. My face hurt from the sobbing fest I’d had the day before and it was a reminder of how much I’d missed him. Those tears had been in part because I was mad at him, but I’d been mad at him because he hadn’t understood how much he meant to me.

Me: Sure. I need to get her something, too. She invited me to come.

Court: Meet you at 6th and 34th at six.

I threw back the covers and shot out of bed more excited for the day than I had been in a while. Yes, I loved my job, but there’d been a sadness that floated over my days when Court and I hadn’t been talking. I wasn’t sure if it was smart to jump back into allowing him to consume my days, but I hoped there wasn’t any harm in us at least being friends. I missed his friendship. I’d missed him.

I dressed in a simple blue sun dress and flats and tossed a pair of heels into my purse for after work. I was kind of glad that I would be meeting him straight from work. He wouldn’t be expecting me to be dressed up and I wouldn’t have to obsess over picking the perfect outfit for later.

My morning commute had become my favorite part of the day. Out in the bustle of the city with all the other people heading to work, heads down, headphones in, made me feel like part of something great. Some of the biggest and best companies were here and when I thought about what the people of New York accomplished from eight to five Monday through Friday it was nothing short of incredible.

I ate a granola bar as I walked the last block to the office building and then took the elevator up to the ninth floor. JC Engineering had the ninth and tenth floors. Executive offices were on tenth and the development teams, including mine, were all on the ninth.

I shared a pod of cubicles with two other new engineers, Robert and Jared. We’d settled into a comfortable routine with each other. We mumbled our good mornings and chatted a bit as our workload and schedules allowed. They’d set up a nerf basketball hoop in our area and people congregated to play and talk. I probably should have been practicing passing and shooting after work so I could join in, but as it was, I wasn’t prepared to embarrass myself and make it even more apparent how much I didn’t fit in by shooting an air ball.

I was the only woman engineer under the age of forty and I think my presence made my peers a little anxious. They wanted to treat me like one of the guys, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t even a tomboy – I was all girl. Girly girl. I always had been. Dresses and makeup were part of who I was, and it was even worse now that I’d invested in some of my own clothes and wasn’t wearing my mother’s hand me down dresses.

I couldn’t even imagine their faces if I wore my Court-inspired outfits. I’d worn heels for my first few weeks of work because they felt more professional than my flats, but there’d been a slight change – for the positive – since I’d switched to wearing my flats all the time. In the corporate world of science and engineering, people couldn’t seem to make sense of me. Why couldn’t I be a girly girl and an engineer without making people uncomfortable?

After our morning stand up where we all went around the room and gave a brief rundown of what we were working on, any roadblocks or areas where we needed help, and what we hoped to accomplish before the next meeting, I buried myself in work. Five of us newbies had each been given the task of writing software for one piece of a larger project and I wanted to finish mine first and I wanted it to blow their minds. If I couldn’t fit in by gender, I’d fit in by being so good they couldn’t overlook me.

I worked through lunch, nerves about meeting Court later were settling in and my stomach churned with unease. I didn’t know where we stood. We each had been hurt by the other and whatever we were then would be different now. A friendship with him wasn’t unrecoverable, I didn’t think, but there was no guise of mentorship to make our interactions calculated and straightforward. Who we were to each other had changed. Or had it? Maybe it hadn’t for me, I’d always wanted Court as he was, but I wasn’t sure he could say the same about me.

I pulled my phone out of my purse with the intent of sending a quick text to Court. I thought some sort of messaging now would make tonight less stressful, but I came up short when I saw I’d missed a text from Todd.

Todd: Hey! I’m going to be in town this weekend. Anything going on? Let’s hang out!

I let out a long breath as I read it over and over. Todd stayed in Connecticut as planned, and as he’d promised, he’d kept in contact. Some weeks it was a single text to say hi and check in, other weeks nothing, but he hadn’t been to the city yet and I’d been grateful. Whether it was fair or not, I couldn’t look at him the same way after everything that had gone down with his uncle and even without that barrier, his kiss hadn’t made me feel anything. No spark, no tingles. Nothing like Court’s. Maybe I wouldn’t ever be anything more to Court than a friend, but he’d shown me what it could feel like – how my body could hum under his touch and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less than a man who made me feel electrified.

Despite all my anxiousness for our shopping trip, I was running five minutes late to meet Court. When I finally stood before him out of breath and belatedly realizing I still wore my flats, I held up my finger indicating I needed a moment and pulled out my heels. Teetering on one foot, I slipped one of the silver heels on and then switched to put the other on.

“Okay, sorry, ready now.”

I waited for him to move, but instead he glanced down at my feet a moment and then back up at my face like he was trying to decide to say whatever was on his mind.

“You really want to wear those while we walk around shopping?”

I shrugged and wrapped my hands tightly around the handle of my purse.

“So, put the others back on,” he said motioning toward where I’d stowed them away.

“I’m fine,” I said as I took a few steps toward the store as if to demonstrate.

We walked up and down the aisles of kitchen and dining appliances and décor. Court was adamant that he wanted to buy something useful and practical for Leika’s new place, but I was drawn to the pretty frames and china place settings. I’d tried to steer him toward serving platters or fancy silverware, but he just scrunched up his face and shook his head at each item.

“What about these then?” I asked, lifting a single crystal wine goblet from the shelf. It was heavy in my hand with intricate details around the base and cup.

“I dunno. Leika is more of a beer drinker. I can’t picture her breaking out crystal wine glasses unless it’s to mock them.”

I placed it back on the shelf. “Okay, then, what about this?” I said jokingly as I pointed to a wooden checkers board with shot glasses instead of checkers. It was too beautifully crafted to be a gag gift and the care and workmanship of the board and glasses were almost comical for such a game.

“That’s awesome,” he said as he moved past me. I couldn’t help but laugh as he looked it over like it was the greatest invention of all time. “She’d love this.”

“What happened to practical and useful?”

He shrugged and grabbed a box of the set from underneath the display. “Your fault.”

In the end, I purchased the practical gift, a toaster oven. I didn’t know Leika well enough to know what sort of pretty things she might want for a new house, but everyone needed a toaster oven, right?

As we stepped back out into the busy streets, shopping bags in hand, we stood shuffling our feet, neither of us knowing what to do next.

“I, uh, should get home,” I said pointing in the opposite direction of his apartment.

He nodded but took my large and quite heavy bag from me. “You can’t carry that thing all the way home.” He put both bags in one hand effortlessly and hailed a cab.

He opened the door for me and then handed me my bag. I was disappointed that our goodbye had been so rushed, but he was right – there was no way I was going to make it home with this bulky thing.

I leaned forward to give the driver my address, but Court beat me to it as he slid in beside me. I watched with surprise and elation as he instructed the driver to make two stops, dropping me off first and then him.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said with a smile big enough that I was sure he knew how glad I was he had.

“It’ll give me more time to hear about how your new job is going,” he said as he leaned back and adjusted his tie.

“It’s good,” I said, brushing my hair back behind my ear and wishing for something to do or say that would take the attention off me.

He raised his eyebrows. “That’s all I get?”

“I love it, but it’s different than I expected.”

“How so?”

“Well, the work is great. They really threw us newbies right in. I have a small project that I’m totally responsible for and I love that.”

“But?” he asked with a concerned squint.

“I don’t really fit in. I mean, I’ve always been more of a loner than a social butterfly, but I guess I’ve always had at least one friend that I could count on. But now there are very few women and the men stick together. It’s a little lonely,” I admitted feeling both ridiculous and sad.

“You should try spending some time with some of them outside of the office. Suggest a happy hour or something. We did that a lot when I first started out at Harrison and Mac. It was easier to let loose and get to know each other with a drink in hand.”

“That’s a good idea.” I nodded letting the idea roll around in my mind and I decided it was worth a shot. I’d overheard my pod mates mention a bar nearby, so it should be easy to convince them to go one night after work. “Thank you,” I added.

“Sure.”

My feet ached, and I pulled my heels off and groaned louder than I intended as I rubbed at my arches.

“Why do you do that to yourself?” he asked.

“Fashion over function.”

He shook his head. “I like your other shoes – the ones you had on before.”

“Yeah, I know, they’re fun but heels are so much sexier – more eye catching.”

His eyebrows shot up and I giggled at the caveman look on his face.

“What’s wrong with wanting to look good?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m just saying, depending on the kind of guy you’re trying to attract, it doesn’t matter.”

“No?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who came up with the rule that I should dress a certain way to get a man’s attention.”

“And are you trying to get a man’s attention?”

“I –” I opened and closed my mouth trying to determine just how honest I was willing to be. “I wanted to look nice for our first time hanging out again.” My voice was soft, and I bit at the corner of my bottom lip as I waited for his reaction.

He grinned a slow sexy smirk that set my heart racing. “You’ve never looked sexier than you do right now. No shoes required to get my attention. In fact, no shoes, no shirt – I’m good with any state of undress that might make you more comfortable.”

A flush crept up my neck.

Court took my hand and squeezed. “You don’t need those rules with me. I see you. The rules, those were meant for idiots who couldn’t see what was right in front of them.” He leaned in close again, his familiar scent making my heart beat wildly. “I’m a smart man. I don’t need ribbons and bows to see what a gift you are in my life.”

When we reached my parents’ house, Court got out and extended a hand down to me. I awkwardly scooted over in the seat with the toaster oven on my lap, wishing I’d bought the crystal wine glasses, so it was easier to maneuver. I finally gave up and handed him the bag. He laughed but took it and then guided me out of the cab with a hand at my elbow.

“Thanks for seeing me home.”

“Thanks for coming with me to shop. To think Leika might have ended up with something useful and practical,” he said with a wink as he handed me my bag back.

I rolled my eyes but laughed. “I’m denying that I had any hand in picking that gift,” I said and motioned with my head to his bag.

The tension was back as we prepared to say goodbye. Was I supposed to hug him? Kiss him on the cheek? I had no idea what the protocol was here. When I couldn’t take the awkward standoff any longer, I moved forward and gave him a weird half hug inadvertently ramming the toaster oven into the back of his legs in the process.

“Oh, God, sorry,” I said and stepped away quickly. I held a hand over my face and peeked out to see him slightly buckled over and a grimace on his face. “Alright, I’m going inside now. Night.”

I heard him chuckle softly as I backed away from him.

“Night, 8B,” he called in a sexy voice filled with humor at my expense.

I hummed lightly as I entered the house. My mother sat at the dining room table, recipe books and cards scattered around her.

“Hello,” I called. I dropped the toaster oven on the floor and took a seat across from her.

“You missed dinner, but there’s a plate for you in the microwave,” she said without looking up.

“Where is everyone?”

“Your father went to pick up my prescriptions and the boys are out with friends.”

I watched her in silence for a few minutes. She studied each recipe card, copied the recipe onto a new card, and then filed the old card away in her recipe box and stacked the new recipes. A seemingly easy task was slowed by the tremor of her hands, but she kept at it even when I could tell she was getting frustrated.

“What are you doing?”

She finally looked up, meeting my eyes and placing the pen down. “I’m copying my recipes for you.”

“What? For me? Why?”

She smiled. “My mother did the same for me. She copied the recipes her mother had given her and gave them to me.”

“Why not just copy them on the printer or scan them to a USB?”

She scoffed. “I know it’s hard to believe now, but someday having my handwritten recipes will mean something to you. It’ll be like I’m with you every time you bake an apple pie or make grandma’s spinach dip,” she said holding up the card in front of her.

“Moooom.” My eyes filled with tears because she was right. It would mean something. It meant something now.

She waved off my tears and went back to copying the recipes.

I picked up a pen and a fresh card and started to copy the recipes, making my own stack.

“You don’t have to do it now,” she said.

“Not for me,” I said as I printed the ingredients to a chicken pot pie recipe. “For the boys.”

We worked in silence for a while. My hand was cramping from holding my hand so stiffly trying to keep my penmanship neat and legible.

“You were with Court tonight?” she said it like it was a question, but she already knew. I’d told her this morning before I’d left that we were going shopping together for Leika’s engagement party.

I nodded and focused my attention on the pie dough recipe in front of me.

“Are you two dating?”

I looked up, surprised by her directness. “No.”

“Why not? He seems like a nice young man. Leo speaks highly of him as a boss and he’s very handsome.”

I fought for the right words. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to give her the entire story either. “I don’t think Court dates much. He’s a little leery of people and relationships.”

The look on her face showed genuine concern. “How come?”

“He grew up in foster care, got shuffled around quite a bit. I think he got used to people leaving or turning him out so he’s not big on putting himself out there.”

She nodded, and her face turned pensive. “Except with you.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, he came and met your family. He gave your brother a job. He’s certainly put himself out there with you.”

I couldn’t argue with her logic, but I wasn’t ready to hope that it was because I was different to him – more important. Court put people into categories and I wasn’t sure what I was or how I fit into his life, but I needed to find out before I let him crush my heart into a million pieces… again.