Ryan
I walked over to the window and looked out over the Los Angeles cityscape. There were cars and taxis moving along the roads and tourists wandering the streets. There were crowds of people taking tours of the famous LA places, and the sun was midway in the sky, getting ready to start its descent. I was staying at the hotel that I had first checked into when I had got to LA three months before. It felt strange being out there, alone, unbothered, no cameras or mics in my face. I had spent so much time in that mansion that the real world seemed almost overwhelming to me.
My mind shifted back and forth between the show and Mira. I stood there just thinking, like I had been since the night before when I checked in, trying to figure out the mess that was in my brain. It was confusing with Mira, it felt right most of the time, but it was complicated. Despite the fact that things had become really good between us, we still didn’t know that much about each other. We knew what we saw in the mansion, what we wanted to portray to the camera. We knew the two people caught up in lust, but we really didn’t know what each other was like out there in the real world. That made all my thoughts so confusing, all my feelings almost outrageous, and as simple as it should have been to just let it all go, there I was fighting myself about it, in the fancy hotel room. I had never been that caught up with or that confused over a woman before in my life, and I didn’t like it at all.
After that argument with Mira, and her storming off to the guest room, I went back to my room and just sat there. I was only trying to protect our privacy. The discussion about our true feelings — the only thing real about the whole situation — seemed more sacred than that. But she didn’t hang around to resolve the issue and bailed. Again. If she couldn’t look me in the face and just talk to me, then how were we supposed to make it together at all? I just wasn’t sure that I could continue to be married, to her or anyone. It seemed like a lie, a farce, and we had not only tricked the public into believing it was real, but, for a time, me as well.
I sighed and dropped my hands to my sides, walking over to the sitting area and plopping down on the couch. The truth was that I wasn’t sure about anything, so I had come to the hotel to take a break. This didn’t affect the contract at all, because technically I never actually decided or said that I wanted a divorce, which was the way to end the show. I just needed time to think things through, to get a grasp on my feelings and emotions without being submerged in them. It was hard enough trying to decipher how I felt, much less do it in a place where there was pressure from everyone around me — including Evelyn and Mira.
It bothered me that Mira was pressuring me to answer, and it wasn’t necessarily that I didn’t know how I felt, it was more the privacy aspect than anything. But then she wouldn’t take no for an answer and there hadn’t been an admission of feelings on her side either. It was a stupid fight, but it was a fight nonetheless, and it had forced me to pull myself out of the situation for a minute because, honestly, I felt like I was drowning. I didn’t want to make the wrong choice and ruin everything, but I also didn’t want to make the wrong choice and hurt her.
I’d received a call from the hospital putting the surgery off for one week, which was fine with me, I had no time limitations on it. I was fully planning on still donating my kidney to Carolyn. That had nothing to do with my feelings for Mira at this point, and everything to do with what was right in that situation. The woman would die without it and I couldn’t sit by knowing I had the power to help and just watch that happen. I had watched my own mother die, and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. There was something that could be done for Carolyn and I had committed to stand up and do it, and I would.
I was sure Mira was probably worried about it, as I hadn’t specifically told her that I was still planning on going through with the transplant. I just didn’t know how to talk to her anymore, and I didn’t think I could take another camera in my face at that moment — especially when it came to talking about something that personal and that important. I didn’t want the conversation to get switched over to the fight, and I wasn’t ready to go into full details about how I felt. I sighed, looking up when I heard a knock at the door. I had no idea who it could be, only Evelyn knew where I’d gone, and she had promised not to tell Mira. I walked over to the door and opened it, very surprised to see Miles staring back at me.
“Surprise,” he laughed, putting out his arms. “Never fear, your best friend is here.”
“Uh, hey,” I said, stepping to the side. “I had no idea you were coming.”
“I know,” he chuckled, putting down his bag. “That’s kinda why I said the whole ‘surprise’ thing.”
“Funny. Yeah, I got that part,” I replied. “I mean, what are you doing here?”
“I came to support you through whatever crisis you seem to be having over here,” he said. “You look like hell, bro, but this hotel is top notch, I have to say. I think they put me two doors down, but I came straight to your room.”
As much as I loved my best friend, I knew that this wouldn’t do anything but make things even harder between Mira and myself. This was going to hurt the volatile relationship we already struggled with. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t tell him to go home, he was my best friend, and I knew Evelyn was behind the whole damn thing. She had no real idea what was going on between Mira and me, she just thought it was normal TV ratings drama. Little did she know the emotions were real, and she had just added a force to it that would only make everything even more unstable and potentially even explosive.
“Your producer Evelyn called me,” Miles said, sitting down in the chair and crossing his legs. “She thought a visit might add some good drama to the show. She said your viewers were getting bored with the love story and she needed to spice things up.”
“Right, so she sent you out here to get good ratings that would then lead to yet another fight between Mira and me.” I rolled my eyes and slammed my hands on the table. “Can’t she see that she is what is fueling this damn fight in the first place? I mean, I don’t need extra drama in my life.”
“Dude, you are part of a reality TV show, what did you expect?”
“To come here, do the whole TV thing, collect a paycheck and go on with my fucking life,” I said with frustration. “Instead I find myself in an actual relationship, donating a kidney and trying to decide if I want to stay married or not. I just want this shit to slow down, but Evelyn keeps speeding it back up. I can’t even take a few days away from the damn house without everything getting even worse.”
“Hey, thanks, bro,” he said.
“I don’t mean you, just the way you and Mira act with each other,” I said. “I need to handle things without a bunch of outside influence making it more complicated.”
“No, I think you need outside influence to bring your feet back down to the ground before you make an even bigger mistake,” Miles said, standing up. “Just take a deep breath, put on your shoes, and let’s go find us a bar down the street. We can have some drinks and talk about everything.”
“I don’t feel like being around a shit ton of people,” I grumped.
“Yeah, well, get over it, you need to talk,” he said, throwing me my shoes.
I sighed and sat down, lacing my shoes, then grabbing my wallet off the dresser. We headed out of the hotel and down the street to a bar I had passed on my way in. It was dark inside with tables to the left and it smelled like stale beer. It was kind of a dive so there wasn’t a big crowd, and that was a good thing. I didn’t feel like dealing with people at the moment. Honestly, I didn’t feel like dealing with Miles either, but here he was. I grabbed a table while Miles got us some beers. When he came back he set the beers and shots down in front of me and leaned back in his chair.
“Okay, I want to go over a couple of things I was informed of before arriving,” he said.
“Of course,” I replied, rolling my eyes.
“Number one,” he said, ignoring my reaction. “What is this they are saying about you donating your fucking kidney to Mira’s mother?”
“She is going to die without one, and we are a match,” I said.
“So, you meet some chick’s mom and suddenly you are giving away vital organs?” He looked at me like I was nuts. “I don’t mean to sound cruel or anything but—”
“Then don’t say anything else about it,” I cut in. “I am doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Not because of Mira or the show.”
“Mm-hm,” he said. “Let’s pretend for a moment that is true. They also told me you are considering continuing the marriage after the show is over. Have you lost your motherfucking mind? You don’t even know this chick and all of a sudden you are planning retirement homes with her.”
“I haven’t planned or decided anything,” I said.
“I think you need to be single again, my friend,” Miles said. “You have forgotten your creed, your life and how much a pain in the ass these women can really be. You need to cut your ties, take your five hundred thousand and get the hell out of Los Angeles before you drink any more of the fucking water that is apparently messing with your brain.”
I just shook my head, knowing there was no way I could ever do that to Mira. Her dreams were just as important as mine. I really wasn’t sure what I should do — stay, go, continue the marriage, get divorced — it was all so confusing. What I did know was that Miles being there was not going to help anything. In fact, I knew that Mira was going to be hurt when she found out about it. She was immediately going to assume that I planned it, and that I purposefully brought him there to make things even harder between the two of us. I could try to explain it to her, but it would probably just cause a fight, and the last thing I wanted was more drama.
Everywhere I turned people were pressuring me to make the decision they thought was right for me. No one wanted to stop and ask me how I felt, at least no one that respected me enough to let me talk about it on my own terms. Things were getting more and more stressful, and this was just the icing on the cake.