Chapter Twenty-Six

ETHAN

“Riley’s getting so big,” one of Alexis’ friends from high school, Giselle, says, beaming at me as she bites into a nugget of fried macaroni and cheese.

“She really is,” I agree, nodding. There are a handful of men at my daughter’s birthday party, but most of them are related to her. I was only able to convince two guys from work to come out for the thing, and I can’t really talk to them about what’s on my mind.

“It’s good to see her so happy,” Giselle adds.

“I’m glad we could put this together for her. She deserves it,” I tell her, falling back on what I know is the polite thing to say.

“It must have been tense for you and Lara to figure out how to manage it all,” Giselle says.

Almost against my will, I glance across the shelter, where Lara’s chatting with the couple of work friends she convinced to come to the party.

“Not really, once we figured out what our budget was going to be, it was pretty easy,” I say.

“I mean, I know I went out of my mind on Leo when we were planning the twins’ birthday,” Giselle says. “I can’t imagine working with someone who isn’t even your spouse on something like this.”

“I think it’s actually easier,” I tell her, trying to find a way out of the conversation. I have to admit, even if I hate it, that Lara had a point in her big blow up right before the party started. Everyone seems to be hinting at Alexis or her death, or the prior connection that Lara and I had, without coming right out and saying anything directly.

“I’m glad to hear that you two are working out how to take care of Riley together,” Giselle says.

I do my polite smiling nod again and look around.

“She’s been really great with Riley, but we knew she would be. That’s why we included it in the will,” I say absently.

“It does seem a little weird to me that Alexis would insist on Lara taking care of Riley if you’re still alive, even,” Giselle says.

I shrug off the question. “She knew how much Lara loves Riley, and she figured that Riley would need a steady, motherly presence in her life and a connection to her mother’s family. The death of Alexis’ mother last year made us realize the importance of family and that a connection was needed. Her death also spurred us get our own affairs in order, especially as we had Riley to think about,” I say. It’s almost word-for-word the reasoning that we agreed on for the will. There’s no reason for Giselle to know anything else about why Alexis wanted things to be the way they are.

“I guess you probably aren’t dating much. I know Lara hasn’t, or at least no one’s heard of her dating much,” Giselle says.

“We’re both way too busy with working and taking care of Riley for anything like that,” I say, and I hope that she takes the message underneath my words. That we’re not getting back together with each other, either.

A lot of people seem to think it’s just going to happen, but they don’t want to actually say it. And of course, Lara dropped some kind of mention of something like that in our fight before the party, but I’d thought she was crazy then. Not anymore. It’s totally ridiculous that anyone would think that there’s some plan for me and Lara to get back together, but I can, kind of, at least, see why. But I can also see why Lara’s been keeping her distance from me even more than she strictly has to, all during the party.

“Okay everyone! It’s cake time!” Lara calls out.

I say a little silent prayer of thanks as Lara summons everyone back to the main table, where the caterer is bringing out the cake, topped with two sparklers and a big number two birthday candle. The caterer’s assistant lights everything and my mom brings Riley to the table as we all start singing happy birthday.

Everyone makes space for Lara and me to stand together and I keep my smile on my face as we finish singing to Riley.

“Blow out the candle, baby doll,” I say, and Riley frowns for a second in confusion and then does it, beaming once everyone cheers her. The caterers carefully take out the candle and the spent sprinklers, and start carving up the cake, and I drift away from Lara before anyone can think anything is going on between us.

We’re definitely going to have to talk, really talk, after the fight we had, but for the time being it’s best for both of us to avoid each other as much as possible. So, we make sure that Riley gets the first slice of the big cake, and my dad takes pictures as she digs into it with a combined attack using her hand and a spoon, and I accept my own slice to eat.

The party finally starts to wind down and we manage to get Riley to sit still long enough to open her presents. Lara occupies herself bringing the presents to Riley and I sit next to my little girl, helping her while everyone watches the three of us. It feels like they’re all waiting for something to happen, and I guess in a way I am too. But there’s no way I’m going to talk to Lara unless I absolutely have to, apart from being just generally pleasant to her. There’s just too much going on.

At last, the party’s over, at least formally. Everyone’s starting to head out now that the presents are opened and the cake is gone. Some of Alexis’ and my friends hang out a bit longer to get their kids good and tired out so they’ll nap on the car ride home, and I hang out off to the side, waiting for time to clean up.

Lara’s not even waiting, though. She starts clearing as soon as people begin leaving, talking to the caterer about what to do with leftovers and all that. It’s like she can’t stand to sit still, and I can understand.

“You two carried this party off really well,” one of Alexis’ friends, Jess, says to me as she sits down. “I offered to help but Lara said she has it under control.”

I laugh a bit. “Yeah, that’s her all right,” I agree.

“How much of the party was her and how much was you?”

I shrug off the question. “We contributed pretty evenly at the end of the day,” I say.

“This is even bigger than Riley’s first birthday,” Jess points out. I can hear a tone in her voice, but I don’t know what it is.

“Well, she’s more likely to remember this one, after all,” I tell her.

“True, and after losing her mom like that it’s probably good for her to have a big, fun blowout like this,” Jess muses.

“We figured it would be a good way to kind of show that life goes on, that we’re all kind of… we miss Alexis, but we’re putting one foot in front of the other.” I’ve told probably a dozen people this over the course of the past two hours, but it feels less like we’re putting one foot in front of another and more like we keep tripping over the same step over and over again. Not that it’s anyone’s business.

“Smart,” Jess says. I glance at her, and there’s something on her face that I don’t have any idea how to read.

“We’re all kind of settling in,” I say, just for the sake of saying something.

“I’ll bet you’ll be wanting to get out there, not right away, of course, but eventually. Find someone to share the daily responsibilities and all that,” Jess says.

I raise an eyebrow at that. “I’m not in any real hurry. I can’t replace Alexis, you know?” I hope that Jess goes to all of Alexis’ friends and tells my dead wife’s whole circle that I’m not in a rush to get involved with anyone, not even Lara. I’m more than a little shaken at the idea that half our friends from school seem to think I’ve forgotten Alexis so soon.

“It’s got to be stressful though,” Jess says.

I shrug again. “Lara’s great with Riley and has her about half the week. My parents and Nathan are chipping in too. We’re eventually going to have to sort things out more permanently, but we’re all taking our time to grieve.”

“Just make sure you’re not in a hurry about anything, even just making sure Riley is in preschool or whatever. Take your time,” Jess says.

I smile wryly at her.

“I don’t need that advice, but I appreciate the concern. I should help Lara,” I say, more to get away from her than anything else.

Lara stiffens a bit when I walk up and I’m glad most of the people at the party have already left. I look around a bit to make sure no one’s eavesdropping, at least obviously, and hold out my hand to her. She shakes it, giving me a confused look.

“The party came off well,” I say.

Lara relaxes. “I managed to dodge most of the questions,” she says, smiling wryly.

“We need to have another sit-down talk soon. We can’t fight like we did earlier,” I tell her lowly.

“Once we’ve settled back in after this party,” Lara says.

“Definitely. We’ll get the grandparents to take her for a night and just hash everything out, once and for all,” I agree.

“In the meantime, do you want to take down the bunting? I can do it, but the ladder scares me a bit.”

I laugh. “Yeah, I can do that,” I tell her, and go to get the ladder to get to work. At least if I’m working on taking decorations down, people will leave me alone, which is what I want right now.