Chapter Fourteen

Jude

I couldn't concentrate on the words on the page in front of me. Even though I had read the book a dozen times before, I felt like I was lost somewhere in the story and didn't know what was going to happen or what had already been said. Only the faint bursting of fireworks somewhere in the distance made me sure that time was actually passing as I sat in my favorite chair in my library. I hadn't noticed the chiming of the grandfather clock that marked midnight, but the fireworks told me that it must have happened. It was a new day, a new month, a new year. But nothing felt different. Nothing had really changed.

I was still wracked with guilt about the way I had treated Veronica just before Christmas. I hadn't intended to act that way, but seeing everything that she had done had hit me with emotion and pain that rocked me to my core. I had never told her where I lived and I was angry with her for overstepping her bounds by not only seeking out my address, but actually coming to my home and somehow convincing my staff to let her through the security gate without my consent. But it wasn't just that that had caused the reaction. Instead, it was the site of the Christmas tree and the lights, the smell of the fire and the peppermint, the pine-scented memories and glistening nostalgia that had immediately taken over when I stepped into the courtyard.

It has been years since there had been any sign of Christmas anywhere near my home. At least that I had to see on a daily basis. It was possible that the living members of my staff decorated their own quarters, but since I never ventured into those areas of the home I never had to see the signs of the season that filled others with such joy and only gave me emptiness and devastation. In the years since I had celebrated Christmas, my home had been a refuge, source of protection against the music and the lights, the decorations and the greetings. There was little that I could do to prevent having to face the reality of the season when I was away from home, but when I returned to my house I didn't have to deal with any of it. I could close the door behind me and be embraced by the silence in the shadows in the rooms. Veronica had taken that from me. Without realizing it, she had shattered that protection, that safety that I relied on. She forced me to confront what I dreaded and stepped beyond the boundaries that I had crafted to a place where no one was welcome.

I knew that she had intended no harm. She wanted to do something wonderful for me. She thought that she was bringing happiness and giving me the opportunity to celebrate a holiday after I told her that I had no family to celebrate with and that I spent these days of the year alone. She didn't realize that when I told her that I enjoyed the solitude, I didn't mean it as a consolation, that I wasn't resigned to the reality that it was my only option. Instead, it was my choice. It was what I wanted.

It took several days for me to fully calm down and be able to evaluate the situation as it unfolded. As the initial pain eased and I was able to see clearly again, I realized just how aggressive I had been toward her and how much it must have hurt her. Aaron had come to me to apologize for letting her through the gate, telling me that he knew she was lying when she concocted a story for why she needed to set up the scene in the courtyard. He hadn't known fully what she had in mind, and if he had, he wouldn't have let her do it. He knew the pain it would cause and he regretted not watching her more closely and stopping her when he realized what she was doing. He showed more emotion in those moments than I was accustomed to ever seeing in him, and I reassured him that I wasn't angry with him. I knew that he wouldn't have let just anyone onto the grounds and he must have realized somehow that Veronica did play some kind of role in my life even if he wasn't sure what that role was. After so many years, I couldn't really blame him for wondering if I had finally taken a step out of the stage of mourning that had become my constant reality.

It had been nearly two weeks now and I hadn't heard from Veronica since that evening. Aaron had helped her gather up what had survived and she had left, just as I told her to. I hadn't reached out to her since then and every day that passed I became more and more aware of her absence in my life. It wasn't something that I wanted to acknowledge. It wasn't something that I wanted to experience. But I couldn't deny it. I felt the lack of her in nearly everything that I did. I found myself wondering what she was doing and if her thoughts ever came to me. I knew that I would deserve it if they never did. It would be my own fault if she had fully cut off any acknowledgment of me after what I had done to her. She had opened herself to me in a way that I had never expected and though my reaction was mine and mine alone, genuine in every breath, it wasn't what she deserved.

In the quiet that followed the explosions of celebration outside, I could hear my wife's voice. The note that she had left had been the last words that she had wanted to give me and as I read them they had formed in my mind in her voice, fully realized as though she were standing beside me, whispering them into my ear. I often imagined that the rope had taken them out of her, that she had breathed them out with that last breath so that it split into air and memory. Those words were a part of the house now and there were so many moments, moments like this when I could hear them again as if the breeze moving through had found them in the corners and tucked against the rafters and washed them over me again.

Please don't be alone. Find someone to take care of you.

I knew that I still couldn't give that to her. I still wasn't in that place. But as the quiet of the house was broken again by a new round of fireworks outside I wondered if it was possible to take that next step. I might not be able to give to Veronica what I had pledged to my wife decades before and I may never be able to reawaken the part inside of me that she had kept alive, but that didn't mean there couldn't be more. I could bring Veronica closer. I could let myself experience something more from her. The concept of a future might still be untouchable and abstract to me, but the importance of her companionship wasn't. It had become real and tangible as soon as I had lost it and I was ready to get it back. I knew that I needed to go to her, to make amends and to hope that she was still willing to hear me.

I walked into the rehearsal space and let my eyes scan the stage. I didn't see Veronica and I left, heading toward the next space and then the next. I had gone to every rehearsal space and studio where I had seen her, but I couldn't find her. Her phone went immediately to voicemail and none of the messages I left her were returned. I considered checking her address in her student file and going to her house, but I realized that that would be the exact same thing that I had lashed out at her for, and couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I continued to scour the campus and the area around it, visiting all the places that we had gone to together and those that she had mentioned to me during the weeks that we had spent getting to know each other. This is how I found myself at a tiny bar that we had visited on a few occasions, tucking ourselves into the darkest back corner and watching the lives of the very edges of campus society unfold in front of us.

As I walked into the bar I noticed that it was nearly empty. Only one of the tables had anyone sitting at it and it appeared to be one of the waitresses counting out tips. There was a single figure sitting at the bar. It wasn't Veronica.

It was Javi.

I had only seen him once and it was in a picture on Veronica's phone. He had sent it to her to show off what appeared to be a slightly revised rendition of a Vegas showgirl costume that he had chosen to wear to yet another of the parties that seemed to define the majority of his life. Though he was now dressed in dark pants and a sweater, the image of that picture had been burned in my mind and I knew that I would recognize Javi anywhere.

There was a determination in my step as I walked up to Javi's raised chair and flattened my hand on the bar beside him. Javi looked up at me and jumped, his facial expression shifting from looking as though he was preparing to flirt with a next man who walked up to him to seeming as if he was scanning the perimeter for the closest fire exit.

"I'm Jude Ford," I said. "I know Veronica."

"I know who you are," he said.

There was a tone in his voice that I hadn't expected and I wondered how much Veronica had told him. I decided there was no need for small talk or pleasantries. I was here for one reason and one reason only.

"Where is she, Javi?" I demanded.

This changed Javi's expression to one of indignation and anger.

"If she wanted you to know, she would have told you herself."

"You tell me."

Javi rolled his eyes at me, turned back to the multi-colored cocktail in his hand and put the swizzle stick in his mouth.

"Maybe she doesn't want you to know where she is. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you."

Anger swelled in my chest, but now it was mixed with something that felt like desperation. From what Veronica had told me about Javi, calm was rarely a good emotion for him to have. It meant he was either very serious about something or that he had given up on a situation and had no more need for involvement. If he had resigned himself to Veronica not wanting anything to do with me, then maybe she had, too.

"I've been looking for her all day."

"Then why don't you just take that as a hint and leave her alone?"

I grabbed the back of Javi's chair and spun him around so I could look at him. He looked startled and pulled back away from me.

"I want to talk to her. Now."

Javi then straightened his shoulders and glared back at me. I recognized the sharp edge that appeared in Veronica when she was faced with difficult situations and wondered which of them had taught that characteristic to the other. Javi stood, his presence forcing me to step back in a way that I never would have expected from him. I was far larger than him, but in that moment all the glitter, the softness, all the whimsy was gone, replaced by a look that held darkness and emotion I didn't want to think about any further.

"You think that because everyone knows your name and admires your family and wants your money that you can have whatever you want." Javi's voice was even and controlled. "You think that because you can trace your lineage back to the most powerful families in England and that you own half this area that people should do whatever you want." I narrowed my eyes at him and he nodded. "Oh, yes," he said. "I did my research. I know who you are, and I still don't care. You think that because I'm gay and like to wear feathers and high heels sometimes that you can push me around. Here's a surprise for you. You don't rule the world and I'm not afraid of you. Neither is Veronica. Both of us have seen things that would traumatize your lily-white ass right back over the London fucking Bridge so get this straight. You hurt her. I don't know what you've been through, but she's had enough without you coming in and doing this to her. She doesn't trust people and she opened herself to you in a way that I've never seen."

I felt like Javi was holding me in place even though he hadn't touched me.

"She already told me that she was a virgin --"

Javi held up his hand to stop me.

"No. This isn't about sex. Yeah, she let you kiss her and touch her and that's fantastic, but I know her. I had seen her at her worst and I had seen her at her best before you decided to make her your little plaything. Even when I was helping her through the worst of what she has gone through, I never saw her question herself the way that you have made her question herself. You broke her. Ronnie is an amazing person. Hell, if she had a penis, I would marry her tomorrow. But she isn't necessarily the most people-friendly. She has been shut off for so long that if you hurt her again, I don't know if she would ever come back from it."

"Hurting her isn't my intention."

"And what is your intention?"

"To find her. To talk to her. I made a mistake and I'm sure you know every detail about it. But it's my mistake to fix and it's between her and me. You might think that you're protecting her, but you're standing in her way. If you won't help me find her, I'll find her myself." I reached into my wallet and took out several bills that I tossed onto the bar in front of him. "Thanks."

Javi looked down at the bills and gave a mirthless half-laugh. Quickly he reached for them, but instead of putting them in his pocket or with his tips, he balled them up and threw them at me. They bounced off my chest and rolled onto the ground.

"I don't need your money, and she doesn't need you."

I could feel Javi glaring at me as I turned and walked away. His words were resonating in my mind, but I was focused on only one thing and that was finding Veronica. Finally, I knew that there was only one option. Two hours later I parked in front of Veronica's apartment and walked up to the door. I hoped that she was there. If she wasn't, I had nowhere else that I could think of to look.

I stepped up onto the porch and knocked on the door, stepping back slightly. I noticed the curtains covering the tall, narrow window along one side of the door rustle and a few moments later I heard the locks release. The door opened a few inches and Veronica peered out. I could see that the chain lock was still in place and she was peeking out from under it.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked.

I deserved that.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"I think that you said a lot already."

"Veronica, can I please come in? I need to talk to you. Just give me a few minutes."

She hesitated and I stepped up toward the door leaning close to touch the tip of my nose against hers.

"Please."

Finally, she sighed and unlatched the chain. The door opened and she stepped aside to allow me through. I stepped into a tiny entryway and then took the few steps into her living room. The entirety of the apartment would likely nestle neatly in my foyer and living room, but it was warm and welcoming and I felt myself wanting to sit down and spend time with her there.

"You wanted to say something to me?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I am."

She shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Sorry for what?" she asked, obviously trying to sound casual.

"Veronica, don't be that way. I came here to tell you that I'm sorry for how I spoke to you and for the way I reacted. It was out of line and I shouldn't have done it. I hope that you can forgive me."

She looked surprised and spent a few silent moments staring at me, then gave a single, almost imperceptible nod.

"Thank you," she said.

"I mean it," I said. "I want you to understand that I didn't intend to hurt you. I was startled when I saw you there and then the decorations... "my voice trailed off. "I don't know how to explain myself. The holidays have been very hard for me for a long time."

"Because of your wife," she said.

I looked up at her in surprise.

"Yes," I said. "How did you know?"

"The man who let me through the gate and then tried to help me clean up the aftermath told me."

"Aaron," I told her. "What did he say?"

"Just that you haven't celebrated Christmas since the last year that you celebrated with her. I found out that she died. I'm sorry that I didn't know before."

Familiar defensiveness filled me and I felt my chest rising, my hands tingling as they wanted to clench into fists at my side. I talked myself down from the intensity of the reaction, forcing myself to stay calm. She didn't know. She had no way of knowing. Her life had only just begun when Ellery's ended.

"Nineteen years ago," I said.

I didn't offer her any further explanation.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I didn't mean anything by it. I would never have done anything like that if I had known. I just remembered you saying that you spent the holidays alone because you had no family and I thought that maybe we could change that. I didn't realize that that was why you didn't have a family."

She didn't ask for any more even though I knew that she had to be curious and that meant more to me than I could have expressed. I had never talked about it. Not ever. Not to anyone. I wasn't ready to now.

"I know," I said. "I never told you. I appreciate what you tried to do for me. I want you to know that." I took a breath, readying myself to venture further than I had in so many years. "I've missed you."

Her eyes widened and her arms loosened slightly.

"You have?" she asked softly.

I nodded, taking a few steps toward her across the room.

"I don't know if I can make it up to you, but I'd like to try. Would you come to my house Friday night? I'd like you to actually come inside."

She laughed softly then drew in a breath, glancing away from me for a moment.

"I'll think about it," she said. "I'll let you know."

I nodded. It wasn't the response that I had wanted, but it was what she had given, so I had to take it for what it was and wait for the rest.