Chapter Nineteen

 

Jude

 

"You don't think that there's something wrong, do you?"

I reached for a soy sauce packet and squeezed its dark contents onto the pile of fried rice on my plate. I added a few chunks of chicken and florets of broccoli from another container before grabbing chopsticks.

"I hope not," Veronica said. "I mean...it's not like this is the first time that Javi has done something without giving me all of the information, let's be honest."

"He's very mysterious," I agreed.

Veronica bit into her egg roll and shook her head.

"No," she said. "I think that he just really thinks that he's had these conversations with me. Like somewhere in his head he has played out this whole scenario where's he's told me that he's going out of town for the weekend and given me a full itinerary and contact information for every place he's going to stop. And I told him how much I was going to miss him and then we made plans for when he got back. Like he's just so used to me knowing everything about him that he forgets now that he actually has to go through the effort of saying the words."

I laughed and nodded.

"You have to admit, that would make things much more efficient. So, if he wasn't going to Ibiza for the weekend, what would you be doing?"

She lifted her eyes to me and I could almost see the gears turning in her head. I didn't let my expression change. I didn't want her to know what I was thinking about.

"Um, probably what we always do. Sharing a pizza with heart-shaped pepperonis, sharing a banana split, and watching old romantic comedies in our pajamas."

"Is that something that you do frequently?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Just once a year on…" her voice trailed off.

A smile tingled on my lips, but I wouldn't let it show. I didn't want her to know that I was teasing her, that I was the one who made sure that Javi had somewhere else to be the coming weekend. Over the last several weeks we had been tenuously trying to make up for the awkward tension of our first encounter. It took me going to him and apologizing, something that I very much didn't want to do and resisted against right up until the moment that he opened the door, for him to finally be willing to sit down with me and talk. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he still didn't trust me. But I could also tell that he harbored possibly a hint more than a little bit of jealousy toward Veronica, and I figured that might put me in a somewhat better place to bargain with him. I didn't necessarily need him to like me. I didn't need for us to be friends or to start sitting around looking through scrapbooks together. What I did need was for him to let go of the vehement anger that he had against me and to cooperate with my plan so that I could have the best chances of it actually working out.

Offering him a trip to the island seemed to seal the deal for him, though he was somewhat reluctant to give up on his annual tradition with Veronica. He knew that it was going to disappoint her, but I reassured him that I would more than make up for it.

"So, you're not going to be doing anything this weekend?" I asked, taking another casual bite of my dinner.

"I guess not," Veronica said.

Her voice sounded flat and I withheld my chuckle.

"Well, maybe you can come over to my house on Saturday night. We can spend some time together. I feel like you've been really busy lately."

She nodded.

"I have been," she said. "It's my last semester. I've got to get things done before I graduate."

"Then taking a little bit of a break will be good for you," I said.

 

I could hear Aaron pull into the driveway exactly on time Saturday night. I knew that Veronica was becoming accustomed to getting picked up at her house, so I made sure that I sent the same car that I usually did for her. I still didn't want any indication that something was different tonight. It had gotten progressively more difficult to keep up with the charade in the days leading up to the weekend, but I knew that it was going to be worth it.

I was barefoot when I opened the door, wearing casual clothing and holding a drink in one hand.

"Hi," I said as she approached.

"Hi," she said.

I leaned forward to kiss her, hoping that her lips would muffle the smile that was coming back to mine again. It looked almost as if Veronica had taken dedicated steps to make it look as though she didn't think that tonight was special. Usually, she came to my house in a dress or skirt, but tonight she was wearing a pair of jeans and a black sweater, her hair swept up in a ponytail. I still thought that she looked beautiful, but I was even happier that I had included the basket of accessories that was waiting for her in the guest bathroom just down the hall. I knew that she would appreciate them when she finally realized that I hadn't forgotten.

She came into the house and I walked with her into the living room. I offered her a drink, but she shook her head.

"Are you doing okay tonight?" I asked. "You look like you're distracted."

She stared at me.

"I'm fine," she said. She narrowed her eyes slightly. "How about you? You seem... relaxed."

"You know what? I am relaxed. Actually, I'm feeling a little bit sleepy. I'm going to go check on dinner. A lot of the staff asked for the weekend off, so I just let them all have it. I thought I'd throw in a couple of frozen pizzas. The pepperonis aren't heart-shaped, but at least you'll still have the dinner you were looking forward to. Would you mind going into the bathroom down the hall and getting me the caffeine pills that are in the top drawer? I feel like I need a bit of a pick-me-up."

Veronica let out a sigh as I turned away from her and started for the kitchen. I walked until I knew that she couldn't see me anymore, then turned and rushed into the study. I hurried to change into the clothes that were waiting for me and took the flowers that were sitting on the desk. I walked back to the bathroom and found Veronica still standing in the doorway, her hand covering her mouth as she looked inside at the dress that was hanging from the closet door, the shoes sitting on the floor beneath, and the basket of makeup and hair products that the housekeeper had helped me choose.

"You didn't really think that I didn't know, did you?" She turned to look at me and her eyes widened further when she saw my suit. I held the flowers out to her. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Thank you," she said softly, taking the flowers from me.

"Come on," I said. "Get ready. I'll be waiting for you. You have another surprise."

I walked away from the bathroom and went to the dining room to make sure that everything was in place. I had given the staff the night off, but the cook had made sure that there was a sumptuous meal waiting for us. I had followed her instructions to finish preparing it and had a bottle of wine waiting at the side of the table.

Nearly half an hour later I heard Veronica calling for me. I went back to the front of the house and saw Veronica coming down the hallway toward me. My heart pounded when I saw the red dress clinging to her curves and just brushing the floor at her feet. She had taken her hair down from the ponytail and swept it up again into a style that showed off the elegance of her neck and the expanse of smooth skin above the curved neckline of her dress. Her lips were a shade darker than the dress and her eyes were bolder, brighter with the added makeup. Even more impactful was the smile that lit up her face and brought out the radiance that always made her even more beautiful.

"You look gorgeous," I said.

"You do, too," she said.

We each took a few steps toward each other, closing space between us and I reached out to take her hands. I brought her in closer to me and kissed her again. She sighed softly against my kiss and when I pulled back she was smiling wider.

"How long have you been planning this?" she asked.

"A few weeks," I admitted. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well, consider me surprised."

"Good," I said. "Come on. Let's have dinner."

I held her hand as we walked toward the dining room. The table had been set with crystal and china, the table lined with flowers that stretched down the center and nearly spilled off on either end.

"I suppose that we're not really having pizza," she said teasingly.

"No," I said. "We're not really having pizza. I hope you're not too disappointed."

"I think I'll be OK."

I pulled out a seat for her and waited while she settled into it.

"I actually did let the staff have the night off," I said. "So, I'm going to be playing the dual roles of dashing host and waiter. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back."

She giggled and I went into the kitchen to bring out the first course.

We ate and laughed, the stronger connection that we had built weeks before when we poured ourselves out to each other nurturing a sense of ease and relaxation between us. When we finished, I took the dishes away and then came back to the dining room.

"That was a wonderful surprise," she said. "Thank you."

"Ah," I said, reaching for her hand. "But that wasn't the surprise."

"It wasn't?" she asked. "What else is there?"

"Patience," I whispered.

I took her hand and helped her to her feet. We walked back through the house and I led her to the curved double doors that led into the ballroom. Her eyes were sparkling and I could hear her breath quickening slightly. Opening the doors, I revealed the interior of the room.

Veronica gasped as she released my hand and walked into the ballroom. The lights along the wall were glowing, adding to the softer illumination of candles burning in tall, intricate candelabras positioned along the floor. Ivy and flowers wrapped around the iron stands, petals pooling on the floor beneath them and across the shimmering polished dance floor. There were so many blooms in the room that the air was thick with their perfume. Across the room, a string quartet was poised, ready. Veronica whirled around to look at me, her mouth open in shock.

"This is incredible," she said.

"I was looking through some pictures," I said, walking toward her. "I found some of a party that my grandfather hosted here for Valentine's Day. I did my best to recreate it."

I reached out for her and Veronica curled into my arms, allowing me to bring her close and guide her into the center of the floor.

"I guess there were balls here," she whispered.

"I guess there were."

The music rose around us as we started to dance. I swept her around the floor, the movement of her dress sending the velvety petals fluttering like we were surrounded by a flower-laden breeze. I could feel Veronica melting in my arms as her head rested on my shoulder and her breath touched my neck. She needed this. I knew that she did. So, I would offer her all that I could.

 

Veronica

 

I touched the rose lying on the dashboard, feeling the dry petals. The sun had faded the vibrant red color over the last month but I could still feel the memories of Valentine's Day in the bloom. I hadn't expected Jude to do what he did for me that night. It had bothered me when I found out that Javi was going away for the weekend, leaving me alone rather than keeping up with the tradition that we had had for as long as we had known each other. It bothered me even more when I thought that Jude wasn't even going to acknowledge the celebration at all. The part of me felt like I would have rather heard him say that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day or that he didn't want to do anything. Pretending that the holiday didn't even exist made it more obvious, made the lack of acknowledgment and the fact that we didn't have any plans loom even more oppressively over me in the days that led up to that night. I had even considered not going to spend the evening with him, but I was so glad that I had.

It had felt impossible to deny Jude, which is what brought me to his house that night even though I hadn't wanted to see him, hadn't wanted to feel the disappointment that came when I thought about the magic and romance that other couples were experiencing that evening. Everything that he had crafted for me had been breathtaking. It was obvious that he had put so much thought and effort into giving me the type of evening that I dreamed of. As the weeks afterward passed, however, my thoughts about that night took on a different feeling. Just remembering what I had felt when I thought about that night and not going through with it brought a tinge of pain to the center of my chest. I had thought about couples. That specific word. The longer that passed after the romantic celebration, the more that I had to remind myself that that wasn't what we were.

Jude had given me romance like I had never experienced that night, but there was something that he hadn't given me. Something that he still refused to offer. Even as I danced in his arms. Even as he led me out onto the balcony to look at the stars. Even as he fed me chocolate covered strawberries and we sank into a tub filled with sweet smelling bubbles that let our skin glide against one another. He had remained closed, not giving me any glimpse of emotions that he might be feeling or thought that he might be having about me or about us. We were closer, and yet were standing in the same place that we had been.

But here I was. My car was parked where it used to be in the days that I filled with being his TA. I had parked in the same spot so that I could go to the seminar hall and listen to the end of his lecture. The semester was rapidly coming to an end, which meant that I was filling every moment that I possibly could with rehearsals and choreography, trying to perfect the piece that I hoped would be the cornerstone of my auditions for the companies who would come to performances in a matter of weeks. That time had brought the choreography itself as well as my performance of it to a new level, but it also meant that it was not as easy to see Jude. But that didn't stop him from expecting to see me when he wanted to. That morning he had asked that I come to the lecture in between rehearsals because he wanted to talk to me about something. I couldn't decipher any emotion in the typed words, so I didn't know if the message seemed ominous or optimistic. The only option that I had was to go.

I had missed the last bit of the lecture and the students were already starting to file out of the room when I arrived. I stepped out of the way so they could go past me and noticed two other professors walk through the doors at the front of the hall to approach Jude. Keeping close to the sidewall, I made my way slowly down toward him. I couldn't hear everything that they were saying, but I caught the sound of my name. I looked closer and realized that one of the professors who was talking to Jude was Kevin, the man we had encountered in the park in the fall. He had that same suspicious look on his face, and I could remember the creepy feeling that he had given me.

As if he could feel me looking at him, he glanced up.

"And there she is," Kevin said.

"Hello, Veronica," Jude said. "Were you able to find that book that I asked you for?"

Book?

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I quickly started to cover. It was a compulsion, something that I was used to after the months of scrambling to always cover for him.

"I wasn't," I said. "I don't think that I brought it home with me at the end of last semester. But when my roommate gets home, I will ask him if he might have it. He is particularly interested in that topic and he might have seen it and wanted to read it."

I tried to keep my eyes from glancing at the other professors.

Please don't ask me what topic.

"Thank you," Jude said. "I appreciate that."

"Are you still planning on graduating this semester?" Kevin asked.

I tilted my head at him, looking at him strangely.

"Yes," I said. "Why?"

"I was just thinking if you had perhaps considered staying longer to expand your studies to something more useful, that I would mention that I am still available." He made an effort to look sheepish as if he hadn't intended to say that phrase that way. "I mean, of course, that my teaching assistant position is still available."

"And what would you consider more useful?" I asked.

"It's just that Jude has told me that you study dance. That doesn't seem like a terribly viable career projection."

Anger was starting to prick at my skin and I glanced at Jude before looking back at Kevin.

"I appreciate your input,” I said. "I know that it must have been so reassuring to you when you were young to know that you had a career path with such documented success and opportunity for advancement as the academic realm. I suppose that you can say I'm just a dreamer."

I shot Jude another look and turned to walk out of the lecture hall. A few minutes later I was sitting in one of the armchairs tucked into the curved windows of the building, stirring the cup of coffee in my hand to cool it enough to drink. Jude walked up to me and gestured at the chair across from me.

"Is this seat available?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Do you really think that sitting across from someone who wants to be a dancer is a viable plan for your afternoon?"

"I'm sorry about that," he said. "I told you that Kevin will do anything they can to get attention and to get a rise out of people. He thinks he's clever."

"Maybe that's because nobody has bothered to tell him that he's not," I said.

Jude sat in the chair across from me. I noticed that he was holding a cup in his hand as well, the steam rising from it smelling like herbal tea. That was something that I had learned about him over the few months that I had known him. One of the little details that reminded me that I did actually know him, even when I felt like I didn't.

"I'm sorry they were there," he said.

"I don't care," I said.

"Obviously you do."

"I don't care that they were there," I said. "They're your colleagues. And apparently, they still think that I'm one, too. Oh, wait. No. Not a colleague. A TA."

"I told you that I don't see any reason why anyone needs to know anything about us but us. Like you said, these are my colleagues. They aren't my friends. They aren't people that matter to me or that I care about. They are just people I work with. Why does it matter what they think of you?"

"It obviously matters to you."

"I don't want them knowing anything more about me than what happens in the classroom." I looked at him and he gave me a look that made me squirm against the seat. "Maybe not everything that happens in the classroom. The point is that I don't feel like playing the getting to know you game with them. I have a few other professors who I know well enough to consider them almost friends, but that's really as far as I feel like going with them. I don't have any interest in the locker room conversations or having to constantly feel like they either know what I'm doing or are trying to imagine what I'm doing. I just want to be able to go about my life the way I want to and not have to answer to anybody about it. OK?"

I nodded.

"OK."

"Good. Because I would hate to think that I was going to have to drink all that pineapple juice by myself."

I gave him a quizzical look.

"Pineapple juice?"

"Why don't you come with me to my office and I'll tell you more."

"I don't have much time," I said. "The dancers are waiting for me."

"I'm sure that they can do a little rehearsing on their own."

I thought about it for a moment and finally, my curiosity got to me. I nodded and we walked to his office. He shut the door behind us and went to his desk, rummaging through a drawer and pulling out what looked like a brochure.

"What's this?" I asked.

"As you have emphasized a few times now, this is your last semester in college."

I nodded.

"Yes," I said.

"Which means that next week is your last Spring Break in college. And it seems to me that that warrants something more than floating around in the pool with Javi on an inflatable flamingo drinking Kool-Aid spiked with Malibu."

"Did he show you the slideshow?"

"The point is that I think you deserve a break. So, I am taking you on vacation next week."

"What about ----"

"The dancers will just have to live without you. The studio will still be standing when you get back. And I promise that your body will get plenty of conditioning while we're gone."

He had a devilish glint in his eye and I looked down at the brochure in my hand. The images were pristine, too perfect for reality. They advertised a tiny resort retreat on an island far off the shore of anywhere. It was ideal for getting away from everything and everyone.

"How many people does this resort hold?" I asked.

"Two," he said. My eyes snapped to him. "I rented the entire thing for us for the week. No one to bother us." He walked around the side of the desk to me and wrapped his arms around me, leaning forward to kiss the side of my neck. "No one to question us." He kissed the other side of my neck. "Clothing optional."