Chapter Nineteen
Gabrielle
I felt a sharp pain through my lower back and I pressed my hands against it.
"What's wrong?" Jackson asked.
"Nothing," I said, shaking my head.
As soon as I said it, though, I felt the muscles of my belly clamp down and a hard pain course through me. I gasped, leaning forward to try to catch my breath as another pain washed over me.
"What is it?" Lucas asked.
I felt one of the brothers touch my back, but I arched against it, not wanting anybody to touch me. I was trying to catch my breath, trying to bring enough air into me that I could speak, but another pain pressed in around me and I felt my legs weaken. I started to lower myself to the floor and suddenly there were hands catching me, taking on my weight and assisting me until I was on the carpet. Though I hadn't wanted them to touch me, I felt grateful that they were there and needing their comfort. It was a strange and confusing feeling, at once needing them as close to me as I could possibly have them, and not wanting to be touched, almost wanting to be left completely alone. That primal feeling told me that this was exactly what I had feared that it was.
"Are you in labor?" Aiden asked.
I nodded, pressing my hands on either side of my belly to try to ease the pain. The contraction was finally waning and I felt like my lungs were filling with air again. I looked up at the brothers and drew in a shuddering breath.
"I've been having contractions all day," I admitted. "I thought that they were false labor."
"You're not due for a few more weeks," Talon said.
I nodded, trying to change my position so that I was more comfortable sitting on the floor.
"That's why I didn't think that they could possibly be real contractions. The midwife said that it was really common to have Braxton Hicks contractions leading up to the due date, you can even have them for a couple of months before the baby is born, so I thought that that was what they were. But this is too strong."
I gasped as another pain hit me. Letting instinct to take over, I rolled over onto my hands and knees. I remembered the techniques that the midwife talked to me about in my birthing class and tried to concentrate on releasing the tension in my muscles and allowing gravity to hold the baby. I swayed my hips, feeling them begin to relax and release. I breathed my way through the pain that seemed to tighten every muscle in my body. It was more intense than the one before and I could feel it focusing in harder on the center of my body. My mind went to the image that I had seen on the screen and the ultrasound office. I could imagine the muscle that had been home to my baby for so long squeezing down on her as it tried to encourage her to emerge into the world. I tried to let that image help me through the most intense moments of the pain, but I felt my legs and my arms shaking. Suddenly I realized that it wasn't just the impact of the pain of the contractions that were making me feel this way. The pressure of the reality of the men being there with me was weighing down on me and I knew that I couldn't push them away any longer. This was real and soon enough they would know what had caused me to leave them.
"It's a girl," I somehow managed to say.
"What?" Jackson asked.
My muscles eased as the contraction made its way down from its peak and I took a breath, breathing out the rest of the tension and pain from my body. When it was over, I looked up at the men who were crouched around me. They were all looking at me with such concern and a wave of guilt came over me. This wasn't the moment that I had planned. This wasn't the moment that I wanted to have with them. Even from before I had gotten pregnant, I had imagined the day that I would bring our child into the world. I knew that it would be a day of incredible joy and excitement, but now I felt as though it was going to be one of disappointment and anger.
"The baby," I said. "It's a girl."
"A girl?" Lucas asked.
"Yes," I said. "That's why I left."
"What do you mean?" Aiden asked.
I was starting to answer him, but another contraction hit me, this one so hard I couldn't hold myself up. I dropped down onto my elbows, resting my head onto the carpet in front of me.
"These contractions are coming really fast," Talon said. "We need to get her to the hospital."
I shook my head.
"No," I said. "Not yet. I want to stay here for as long as I can."
"That's not happening," Talon said. "You're obviously in pain and you're supposed to go to the hospital when the contractions are 4 to 5 minutes apart. These are closer than that."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"We've been doing our research," he said.
Before I could protest anymore, he reached down and scooped me up into his arms. He carried me out of the house and tucked me into the backseat of the car. Lucas got behind the wheel and the other three brothers got into the back seat with me. Jackson had grabbed the hospital bag that I had packed and put beside the door when I returned to my apartment. When I packed it I felt like I was preparing far too early, but now I was glad that I had.
I let my head drop back against the seat and squeezed my eyes closed as I fought to slow my breathing. I was starting to feel as though I was more in control and was working my way through each contraction, letting images of my baby guide me through. I was very aware of each of the men there with me. Jackson and Aiden sat on either side of me and Talon leaned around from the second row of seats ahead of me. I felt his hand touch my leg and I instinctively reached for it. His grip was comforting and strong and all thoughts of not wanting to be touched disappeared. I needed their energy. I needed to know that they were there with me. Seeming to sense this need, the other two slid closer until they pressed up against my sides. This pressure helped to release some of the tension and pain in my hips and I felt more of the fear that I had been experiencing start to slip away.
It wasn't until we were in the birthing center wing of the hospital that they spoke to me again.
"How do you know that the baby is a girl?" Jackson asked.
"I went to get an ultrasound in November," I admitted. "The midwife told me that if I wanted to find out what the baby was, I was far enough along to schedule an ultrasound. I thought that it would be a fun gift for you, so I went into a 3D Ultrasound studio. I wanted to get a printout of a picture of the baby and give it to the four of you for Christmas. That's when I found out that I'm having a girl."
"November?" Lucas asked. "That's when you left."
I nodded.
"I know," I said. "That's why I left." I repeated.
I knew now that it wasn't entirely true. I had told myself that I left because I found out that the baby was a girl, but the longer that I was away from the men, the more that I had to admit to myself that that wasn't the only reason. But they knew that now. They had finally given me what I had needed. I had their love, now I needed to know that our daughter did, too.
"What do you mean?" Jackson asked.
"You've always talked about our son," I said. "Even before I found out I was pregnant all you ever talked about was our son. You talked about what he would look like and that he would carry on the family name. When you said that he would be big and strong and that you would teach him to swim and play football. It meant so much to you to have a little boy that when I found out that I was pregnant with a little girl I knew that you would be upset. You wouldn't want her the way that you want a son. I didn't want you to have to deal with that, so I left. I love her so much and I didn't want her raised in a home where she would always deal with people being disappointed that she was who she was. Even worse, I didn't want you to say that you didn't want anything to do with her, and then for her to grow up knowing that she had been pushed away. I would rather have just raised her on my own."
Even as I said it, I knew that I had made a mistake. I thought that what I was doing was the right thing, but now I realized that that couldn't be farther from the truth.
"You would have kept our daughter from us?" Lucas asked.
He sounded so angry it shocked me.
"I would have told you when she was born," I said. "I would have let you know."
"That's not enough," Aiden said.
"You wanted a son," I argued. "You wanted a little boy and I wasn't giving that to you."
Just then the nurse came into the room.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I'm alright," I said.
"The contractions are coming close together?" she asked.
As if my body felt like it needed to prove itself to her, another hit me and I grasped the sides of the bed. I fought my way through the contraction and then opened my eyes again, gasping for breath. I nodded.
"Every few minutes," I said." Sometimes I feel like they're one right on top of the other."
The nurse nodded.
"Well, you are still a few weeks from your due date, so you might be dealing with false labor."
I felt irrationally angry toward her.
"She's not having false labor", Talon said, seeming to feel the same harsh reaction for the woman that I was. "Can't you see that these things are too close together? Can't you see that she's in pain?"
"Yes," the nurse said. "I can see that she's in pain."
The midwife stepped into the room and the nurse looked at her with tremendous relief in her eyes.
"Let me go ahead and check her and see how things look," Nikki said as she came to the side of the bed. "Maybe we have a little girl who is very excited to meet her Mama."
The four men reluctantly walked out of the room and into the adjoining lounge. When we first toured this facility, I thought that the exorbitantly expensive private suite was ridiculous, but now that I was here, I was immeasurably grateful for the privacy and comfort that it afforded me. This was not a time when I would have wanted to try to be friendly with someone else in my room, and these were not moments that I wanted to share with anybody but the four men who were there with me.
I breathed my way through Nikki examining me and when I saw her face I knew that I hadn't been over dramatizing what I was experiencing, and this was not false labor.
"Are you ready to have the baby today?" she asked.
"Do I have an option?" I asked.
She laughed and shook her head.
"It doesn't look like it," she said. "You are already 5 centimeters dilated and are thinning out nicely. It might not be too much longer now. Why don't we get you up out of this bed and get you walking around? It will feel much better and it will help baby get down into your hips and ready to be born."
Suddenly everything seemed like it was happening so fast. I had been waiting for so long for the baby to be born, and now it was here and it all seemed to be over far too soon. I felt tears spring to my eyes and I rested my hands on my belly as I looked at Nikki.
"She's early," I said. "Is she going to be okay?"
She smiled at me tenderly, her eyes holding far more strength, wisdom, and comfort than her years justified. She rested her hands on my arms and I felt warm, reassuring energy pass through me.
"She's going to be fine," she said. "We're going to take the best care of her possible as soon as she's here. All you need to think about right now is getting her here. Come on. Let's get you up."
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and carefully stood up. I was starting for the door to the room when another contraction hit me. Suddenly I was in someone's arms. For a moment I thought that it might be Nikki, then I realized that the arms were longer and stronger, and I could smell something familiar and spicy. I leaned my head forward into Jackson's chest and let him wrap his arms around me. From behind me I heard Nikki instructing one of the other brothers to grab hold of my hips. As soon as his hands were there, I felt the pressure easing the pain and I relaxed into them.
"This is going very quickly," Nikki cautioned. "You're going to be welcoming your baby soon."
When the contraction ended, I stood and started walking around the room. I made my way over to the window and leaned so that my hands rested on the windowsill and I looked out into the darkness. Talon stepped up beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist, gently turning me so that I looked into his eyes. The gray looked stormy, but not angry.
"How could you think that we wouldn't want her?" he asked.
"You do?" I asked.
"Of course, we do," Lucas said.
I glanced over at him. Aidan and Jackson were standing beside him and both were looking at me with sincerity in their eyes.
"She's part of you," Talon said."She's part of us. We've always talked about having a son, because that's all we know. We only have brothers. We don't have any cousins. It just seemed natural to assume that we would have a son."
"But you are giving us a beautiful little princess," Lucas said, approaching me.
Jackson came up behind him.
"Just like her mama, we didn't expect her, but that doesn't make her any less wonderful."
I felt tears trickling onto my cheeks and the tightening of another contraction coming on, but I wasn't afraid. I had the four men I loved there with me and with them I knew that I was strong enough to get through this.
Over the next two hours I continued to walk around the suite, passing the contractions in their arms. Occasional checks with Nikki told me that I was progressing quickly and the intensity of the contractions built along with it. Soon I noticed the sky outside of the window lightening and I knew that I was looking at the sun that would shine on the day my daughter was born. My body was getting tired and the constant waves of pain were making me feel shaky. Nikki came in and offered for me to go into the hot tub and I immediately accepted. Stepping down into the hot water and relaxing against the side was blissful. I steadied my breath and let the water wash over my belly. Though I could still feel the contractions, the warmth of the water and the buoyancy of my body in it help to reduce the impact and relax the muscles of my hips and thighs so each contraction was more bearable.
"You are incredible," Aiden said from beside me.
I felt his hand take mine and his lips touch it.
I had only been sitting in the water for a few minutes when I felt a rush of intensity flow down through my hips and I grasped Aiden's hand harder.
"Get the nurse," I said.
Lucas rushed in a moment later with the nurse right behind him.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Something's different," I said. "The pain is different."
"Let's get you out and check you and see what's going on."
She helped me out of the tub and we made our way back toward the bed. She checked me and I saw a smile on her face.
"I stand corrected," she said. "That was definitely not false labor. Are you ready to push?"
I laughed slightly.
"Is she ready for me to push?" I asked.
"Ready or not, she's on her way."
All at once, everything seemed to slow down. The men gathered on either side of the bed and Nikki took her place at the end of the bed. I heard the nurse beside me, coaching me to push the next time that I felt the pain. Almost as soon as she stopped speaking, I felt the swelling, tightening pain of another contraction and I pressed down into it. I searched far into my mind for what I had learned in my birthing classes, but it all seemed to have disappeared. Instead, I discovered more of my instincts and I let them carry through. My body awakened, tapping into a strength and calm that I never knew that I had. Throughout my pregnancy I had been so afraid of this moment, letting the images of screaming women convince me that this torture would destroy me. Instead, I felt a peace take over, dissolving all fear and bringing intense, unshakable focus inward.
Concentrating only on that, I flowed with each contraction, working with it as I felt the baby moving through me. Everything seemed dimmer around me as though I couldn't perceive anything other than what was happening inside my body. Finally the world around me burst into full, bright color and explosive, joyous sound as the baby came out into Nikki's hands. The four men around me cheered and I let out a cry of happiness. An instant later her tiny body was on my chest and each of the four men rested a kiss first to her head, then to mine. I looked up at them, overcome with all that had just happened.
"I love you," I said. "All of you."
I realized that it was the first time that I had been able to say it, even after they had said it to me the night before. Suddenly another pain hit me. I gasped, my hands tightening around the baby, and looked down at Nikki.
"What's happening?" I asked.
"You still have to deliver the placenta," she said. "It's not going to be anywhere near as difficult as what you just did."
The pain hit again and I shook my head.
"No," I said. "Something's wrong."
I looked up and saw the joyous expressions on the men's faces had disappeared. Now they looked down at me in terror.
"What's wrong?" Jackson asked.
"What's going on?" Lucas asked, his voice overlapping with Jackson's.
"Help her!" Talon demanded.
"One of you needs to cut this cord," Nikki said. "Now."
Though she was speaking calmly and steadily, there was a greater urgency in her voice and I knew that something was happening that she wasn't expecting, something that wasn't going according to plan. Aiden rushed to her and an instant later my daughter was completely separated from me. The nurse swept her away to clean and measure, and fear settled over me. Pain was pulsing through me in rapid waves and I felt the same intense, splitting pressure in my hips that I had moments before my little girl had come. I looked to the side for an instant and saw her wrapped in a blanket, tucked in Aiden's arms.
"Gabrielle, listen to me," Nikki said. "I need you to push again, really slowly. Just gently. Everything's fine, but you need to listen to what I'm saying and do it. Right now. Come on."
I concentrated on the midwife's voice and followed her instructions carefully, feeling confused and trying to fight the fear. A few moments later I heard one of the brothers gasp and I opened my eyes. Jackson was leaning around, watching what Nikki was doing. It wasn't until I saw the bright, luminous smile on his face that what was happening really became clear.
Nikki lifted the second baby, smiling with a look of awe and surprise.
"You have a little stowaway here," she said. "He must have been hiding behind his sister this whole time."
"He?" I asked.
Nikki nodded.
"It's a boy," she said. "A very sneaky boy."
My head fell back against the pillow and I laughed, lifting my hand to cover my eyes.
A moment later I was sitting up, cradling one tiny baby in each arm.
"No wonder they came early," Nikki said. "That's not unusual for twin births. Even when we don't know that they're twins."
"How is that possible?" Jackson asked. "How didn't you know that he was there?"
"It's not common, but it does happen," Nikki said. "Sometimes a baby can position itself in such a way that it can't be detected even on a ultrasound. It's heartbeat can blend with the other twin and even if it does become apparent briefly, if it isn't consistently distinct, it might seem like an irregularity. Consider yourself very special. And very lucky."
She smiled at us and walked out of the room, leaving me with my babies and their fathers. I remembered the day of the ultrasound when the technician told me that I was carrying a girl. I had left almost immediately. I didn't wait long enough for her to search any more thoroughly. Maybe if I had, we would have discovered the hidden little boy then. As I gazed down at my daughter, though, I knew that she was worth everything. Even if it had only been her, she would have been absolutely worth it. Her brother was a fun surprise, but he was in no way more important than her, more precious than her, or more wanted than her. Even if I had discovered him at my ultrasound, I knew I would have still been conflicted about the love that I felt for the men. I only wished that I had given myself more time. If I had taken a moment to breathe maybe I wouldn't have let myself get so caught up in my fear and wouldn't have lost so much time with the men I loved so desperately.
I kissed each of the twins and then looked up at Talon, Jackson, Lucas, and Aiden. They each looked so proud, so incredibly happy. There was nothing that I could do now to change the past, but there was a future ahead of me now. I felt a sense of peace and completion settle over us. We were a family and I couldn't wait to see what else life held for us.
Talon leaned forward and kissed me.
"Happy Valentine's Day," he said.
I laughed. It occurred to me then that I had gone into labor with the twins on Friday the 13th. I had never thought of that day as being bad luck, and now I had proof. I nuzzled each of the babies and a thought came to my mind.
"I guess you're going to have to divide up the estate anyway," I said.
Aiden ran his fingertips along the baby boy's cheek.
"I guess we are," he said.
I was still awake later that afternoon when the rest of my family slumbered throughout the room. The curtains had been drawn to blanket the room in darkness, creating a space that felt warm, comforting, and safe. There was just enough light streaming under the door, however, that I was able to see the tiny, beautiful faces of each of my new babies resting in their bassinets beside the bed, and the outlines of the men. Though the lounge included a fold-out bed, all four of the men had insisted on staying in the room with me. That resulted in Jackson sleeping on the couch, Aiden in one of the recliners, Talon in the other, and Lucas on the cushions from the couch in the lounge that he had put on the floor beside my bed. Each breathed in a slightly different rhythm, allowing me to hear each of them. It was reassuring to hear the consistent smooth flow of air in and out of each of them, the soft coos of the babies punctuating them.
I couldn't believe how much my life had changed in just one single year. Just a year ago Valentine's Day had loomed ahead of me as nothing more than another opportunity for my parents to emphasize that I was living my life alone, and a source of both stress and hope that it would be what would turn my fledgling business around. It turned out that it was that very holiday that would completely change my life and my business, but not in a way that I ever could have imagined.
Now just one year later everything was different. The fateful moment when Jackson walked into my chocolate shop and Skylar didn't know what flavor the coffee chocolate was, was a moment that would alter my future. That was the pinnacle moment, the moment on which my life turned and I was finally able to discover what I was really meant to have. Now I was living a life that was so beyond anything that I ever could have imagined. I had gone from struggling everyday and wondering if I was ever going to be able to accomplish my goals, to having more in my life and in my heart that I ever could have wished for or believed was possible. I never would have believed that I could have experienced happiness like this. When I had first agreed to the arrangement with the brothers, I was fully confident in my decision. I believed that the time that I got to spend with them and then the baby that I would bring into the world would give me happiness and fulfill something in me that I had been searching to fill through my entire life. Now, though, I understood that it wasn't that arrangement that would give me the happiness and contentment that I wanted. Now that I knew that we were going to be a family, I experienced a sense of joy and peace that was unlike anything I had ever known.
I was completely and utterly in love with these four incredible men and was unafraid to say that I knew, deep within me, that each of them loved me just as much in return. I was blissful thinking this Valentine's Day was the first that we would spend savoring not just each other and the love that we shared, but our children.
It wasn't until that moment that I thought about the annual gala at the Club. I wondered what the brothers had planned and I felt an unexpected pull of emptiness and disappointment that I hadn't been a part of putting it together. Now that I watched my newborn's sleeping I knew that I wasn't going to be able to be at the party that night, and I wondered if any of the men would go. Hosting the gala was a family obligation that they held very seriously, but they had found a new, more precious responsibility that I hoped would keep them there with me. At the same time, the year that I had spent with them had shown me just how important their family legacy was to them, and now that my children were a part of it, I wanted them to do everything they could to honor that legacy and continue to carry it on. In that way, it seemed even more appropriate that our surprise twins decided to make their appearance on this day. They wanted to be as involved with family tradition as they could as soon as possible.
As soon as I thought that, another, less pleasant, thought settled into first my mind and then my heart. The brothers weren't the only family that these babies had. They had grandparents and an aunt, people I loved, and people who I had lied to. I felt horrible for not telling them the truth about my pregnancy or about the father of my child. I had thought then that I was doing the right thing, not really knowing how all of this was going to unfold, but now I knew that I never should have lied to them. I wished that I had been honest with them from the very beginning, even before I learned that I was pregnant. My family deserved to know about the choices that I was making and the future that I was crafting for all of us. Even more than that, though, my children, and the men I loved, deserved to know that I was proud of them and absolutely sure about the choices that I had made that had brought me to this place in my life.
The men had taught me many things in the time that we had spent together, but one of the most important lessons that I had taken from them was that I should be proud of myself and who I was, and should always stand behind the decisions that I made. Through them I learned that I should not live my life afraid of what the world or other people around me think about me or my life. I could only really answer to myself, and that meant that I should live everyday of my life in the way that I wanted to. I should never feel as though I needed to answer to or justify myself to anyone. I should never care what anybody thinks of me as long as I am living a life that makes me happy and makes me proud. If I honestly knew that I was being true to myself and not causing any harm, I shouldn't worry myself with what others might think of me or might say about me, or how I might go against the perceptions that these people have of me. With these things in mind, I thought about the inevitable conversation that I was going to need to have with my family. I wondered how it was going to go and what it was going to be like when I finally came out on the other side.
With what I had learned from the brothers still in the back of my mind, giving me confidence, I picked up my phone and called my sister. I knew that talking to her first would be easier than talking to my parents and at least then I could be prepared for whatever type of reaction I was going to get.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Skylar asked.
"What would you have said if I told you?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "Maybe I wouldn't have said anything."
I laughed.
She looked up at me from where she had been staring into my baby daughter's face.
"What?" she asked.
"Are you honestly trying to say that you would have had absolutely no reaction if I told you that I was in an arrangement with four exquisitely sexy and exorbitantly wealthy men to get pregnant and raise a child with them, but not to have a relationship with them?"
She shrugged.
"I don't know," she said." Maybe I wouldn't have."
I looked at her incredulously and she gave a resigned sigh.
"Alright, I probably would have had plenty to say. But I still wish that you would have told me."
"I do, too," I said. "But I've told you now."
"I already knew. Your men are extremely persistent. Now you have to tell Mom and Dad," she said.
I settled my sleeping son back in his bassinet. I gazed down into his face like I had a thousand times since he had been born. I could see the men in him and I looked forward to watching him grow and look more and more like them.
"I know," I said. "I'm not exactly looking forward to that."
"Are they going to come with you?" she asked.
I wanted to say yes. I had convinced them that they should still go to the gala and even the short time that they had been away left me feeling empty and lonely for them. I didn't want to think about them not being with me even for a moment as calm and mundane as this one, I couldn't even imagine them not being with me during something as hard as I new the confrontation with my parents was going to be. At the same time, though, it was something that I needed to do on my own.
"I don't think so" I told her. "I think that the first time I sit down with them and try to explain this whole situation, it should just be me. Once they get a little bit more used to the idea, then I'll start introducing them to the men." I felt my eyes stinging with tears and my throat suddenly felt tighter as I said this. "If they ever get used to the idea," I added.
Skylar looked at me sympathetically, but then gave a small shrug.
"Maybe it won't be so bad," she said. "I think they might actually be less upset about the fact that you had the babies of four men who you are in love with than they were about you opening the chocolate shop."
I laughed.
"Then they are going to be absolutely thrilled when they find out that I intend to keep the chocolate shop open."
I waited until the babies and I left the hospital before planning a time to go see my parents. I figured that it would probably be easier and less uncomfortable for them if they had the opportunity to process all of this in their own home rather than in a hospital room. A hospital room that looked like an extremely tastefully decorated apartment that just happened to have a hospital bed and monitoring equipment in it, but a hospital room nonetheless. I had intended on meeting with them completely on my own, but at the last minute I asked that Skylar be there with me. I figured that it would give me confidence to have her by my side and it might also give a good example to my parents when they realized that she knew and that she hadn't turned her back on me.
The conversation actually went better than I had expected, and even better than I had hoped for. I hadn't thought that there was any chance at all that they would be thrilled at the prospect and ready to immediately throw their arms around all four men, so I wasn't surprised when they were definitely not at that place by the time the conversation ended. I was surprised, however, that they had been able to accept what I told them and start working on getting used to it. I imagined that the peace offering of newborn twins helped my case. I knew that they didn't understand it. There was a very good chance that they never would understand it. But the fact that they hadn't turned their backs on me was a step in the right direction and I looked forward to a future when I would be able to enjoy spending time with my family and all four of the men I loved. Then not only would I get to enjoy time with all of the most important people in my life, but Talon, Jackson, Lucas, and Aiden would get the opportunity to have the family they never did.
Thinking about my children growing up with my family was incredibly precious. I knew that with the four brothers as their father, they would have access to the entire world. They would grow up in a luxurious home with vacations and experiences and opportunities and indulgences. But I also wanted them to grow up sleeping on a pile of blankets on the floor next to their grandmother's bed the way I had when I was a child, and with my mother's chocolate chip cookies and with my father’s sense of humor. I wanted them to know, understand, and appreciate both sides of themselves, and I looked forward to every moment of comfort and of discovery and of love.