Chapter Fourteen
Graham
"Are you sure that you want me to go with you?" Holly asked.
"Of course, I am," I said. "Don't you want to meet Charlie?"
"Yes," she said. "Of course, I do. I just didn't know if you would want me there when you first see him. I know it's been awhile and I didn't want to intrude."
"You aren't intruding," I said.
I took both of her hands and drew her close to me, wrapping my arms around her waist so that her hands were behind her back. I kissed her and rested my forehead against hers.
"Are you OK?" she asked. "Is there something wrong?"
I shook my head.
"Nothing's wrong. Come on, they're waiting for us."
At the mention of the word “they” I could see Holly's face change. I knew that she wasn't looking forward to meeting Brandy. I couldn't blame her. The situation was strange enough as it was. Adding my ex-wife into it was something that I didn't think either of us knew how to navigate properly. I told myself that I didn't care. I wanted Holly there with me, and it wasn't Brandy's choice.
I took her hand and walked out of the hotel, the first that we had actually been able to get a room in on our first try. A car was waiting outside just as I had requested, and Holly and I stepped into the back seat. I watched through the window as we went through the small town towards Brandy's address. This was the place that my son was calling home, had been for several months. It didn't look like home. It didn't look like a place where I wanted him to be growing up. I wanted him to grow up in the home that I had created for him, the home that I had envisioned for him from before he was born.
We pulled up in front of the house and before I could even open the door, the front door of the house swung open and I saw Charlie. My heart leapt in my chest and I jumped out of the car. I ran up the sidewalk and dropped to my knees in the middle, flinging my arms open so that I could take my little boy into the hug that had been waiting for him for so long. He clung to me, his tiny hands grasping as much of my coat as they could and his little face burying into my neck. His skin was cold, telling me that he had been peeking out of the door waiting for me for some time.
I hugged him tightly and then pulled back to kiss him, then pulled him back into another hug.
"I missed you so much," I said to him.
"I'm so glad that you're here, Daddy. I asked Santa to bring you to me."
I pulled back from the hug and looked at him strangely.
"But you knew that I was coming," I said. "I told you that I was coming."
"I know," he said. "But mommy said that I shouldn't get my hopes up. She said that you might not come."
I felt the happiness inside me drain away, replaced by anger. I stood up and felt Holly come up behind me. In my excitement to see Charlie I had almost forgotten that she was even there. I introduced them, expecting Charlie to be shy and nervous around her as he had always been with strangers. Instead, he seemed to take to her immediately. Holding one of my hands, he reached out with his other and took hers.
"Would you like to see my Christmas tree, Holly?" he asked.
Holly looked at me, her mouth open slightly, as if stunned. Then she looked back down at Charlie and smiled, nodding.
"I would love to," she said.
Charlie led us into the house and I looked down at him.
"Where's your mommy?" I asked.
"I think she's in the kitchen," he said. "Come on, Holly. The tree is in here."
I let them go into the living room and I made my way down the central hallway into the open kitchen. Brandy looked over her shoulder at me from where she was brewing a cup of coffee. Before I left for this trip I had expected that the moment I saw her I would feel the same love that I had when we were younger. I expected to be excited to see her and to remember that thrill, that sense of happiness that I had once felt. I felt none of it. In that instant I was reminded of everything that happened in our marriage. I remember the arguments and the days of silence that had started in the earliest weeks after our wedding. I remember the screaming, how she used to throw things when she was angry, and then storm out of the house. I never knew how long she would be gone during those times. I hoped when she was pregnant with Charlie that those times would stop after he was born. But once he was here they only seemed to get worse. Our personalities clashed harder and harder the longer we tried to stay together. I had no patience for her drama and would never chase after her. I always just assumed that she would come back, and we would deal with it when she decided to act like a rational adult. After a while that changed, and I stopped caring whether she came back at all.
I had forgotten all of that. I had forced it all into the back of my mind and compartmentalized it, convincing myself that it hadn't been as bad as it was. It all set heavily in my chest now and I stared at her, my hands shaking with anger.
"How dare you tell my son that I wasn't coming?" I asked.
"Merry Christmas to you too," she said. "Welcome to my home."
"Cut the bullshit, Brandy. Charlie just told me that you said I wasn't coming."
"I didn't tell him that you weren't coming. I said that he shouldn't get his hopes up. How was I supposed to know whether you are actually going to show up?"
"What's that supposed to mean? I've always been the one who was there for him. I've always done everything that I said I would."
"Except stay married to me," she said.
Though I had been the one that was planning on coming here to try to reconcile with her, I was startled by the comment. Even during the divorce, she had expressed little regret that our relationship was ending. She wasn't pleased that she was losing access to my bank accounts. She hated that the prenuptial agreement that we had made before our marriage was upheld by the court. But never once did she say that she was sorry that the bond between us had been broken and that our marriage was coming to an end. The sentiment was hollow now and it only underscored how wrong I had been.
"That was your fault," I said to her. "You know that it was."
It felt strangely liberating to say that to her. For so long I had been so angry. I had hated her. It was only when I had started to tell myself that I had been the one that was wrong that I was able to push that away and pretend that none of it happened. That was when, somewhere in my mind, the warped image of what our marriage had never been, and what I thought that it might be in the future, had grown until I convinced myself that it was real. That was when she was far enough away that I didn't have to see her. I didn't have to look into her face and see what had become of the woman I thought I knew. I didn't have to see the look of disdain. I realized as I looked at it now that it was never really her that I hated. I hated what she did. I hated what she did to my son. I hated the years that she had taken from me. But I simply didn't care enough about her to hate her.
"You can come to see Charlie on Christmas. We have plans this afternoon and he still has school, so you'll have to leave."
"You knew that I was coming. Why did you make plans?"
"Because I wanted to."
Before I could let my emotions take over I walked out of the kitchen into the living room. Holly and Charlie were sitting on the floor under the tree looking at the few scattered gifts that were sitting there. He was pointing out his name and telling her what he hoped that Santa would bring for him. I listened for a few seconds and realized that of all of the things that he mentioned, only two of them were things that I had purchased for him. All of the others were things that Holly had suggested, and that I turned down. I called over to him and he ran into my arms.
"I have to go now, buddy. Your mom says you have plans this afternoon. But I'm going to see you really soon, OK?"
"I wish you didn't have to go." he said.
I kissed his forehead.
"I know. I do too. But I will see you for Christmas. It's not long away."
Brandy appeared at the door and glared in at Holly, but I didn't bother to introduce them. I took Holly's hand and we walked out of the house. We got into the car and before I could say anything to her, Holly turned to look at me.
"He's wonderful," she said.
"I think so," I said.
"Do you think that I could still catch the cruise at a different Port City?"
The question felt like she had punched me. I spent a moment trying to formulate what I would say, trying to understand why she would ask that.
"I don't know. I could find out."
She nodded, turning away from me.
"If you could, that would be great. I know I missed the beginning of it, but I'd like to at least get to enjoy the last few days."
"You could stay", I said. "You could stay and celebrate Christmas with us."
She shook her head.
"I told you," she said. "I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I just want to pretend that it isn't even here. You should celebrate with your son."
"I'll call the cruise line when we get back to the hotel."
She still didn't look at me, but I saw her nod.
"Thank you."
Holly
I went straight to the bathroom as soon as we got back to the hotel and splashed cold water on my face. The last thing I needed was for him to see the tears that were forming in my eyes and the flushing on my cheeks. Asking Graham to find out if I could get on the cruise was the most difficult question I have ever asked. I was telling the truth when I said that Charlie was wonderful. He was even more amazing than Graham had said, and that was exactly why I needed to leave.
Sitting in Brandy's living room with Charlie had given me a glimpse of a life that I had never imagined for myself. I'd never let myself pretend that I was going to be the type of woman that someone would marry and who would have a child. Seeing Charlie, watching his eyes light up as he looked at the Christmas tree and talked about Santa, showed me what that life could look like. And I liked it. I liked it too much. That was not my life to have. This was a life that had been built before I came along. It didn't belong to me, and it never could. Graham had been right when he said the Charlie deserved a family. He deserved his family. I knew what it was to be bounced between parents and to never feel secure or acknowledged as more important or loved. I knew what it was to wonder what it really meant to have a home, and whether I had two, or none at all. I looked at Charlie and I saw myself. I saw the pain that I had gone through and I wondered if that was how I had always been, or if that was what was created in me by the circumstances.
I never wanted Charlie to have to find that out. I never wanted him to lose that sparkle. I never wanted him to question again whether his father left him or whether he would see him. As much as I wish that I could sit in that room and claim that life, that was never meant to be mine. This had all been just a detour, a mistake that had built on itself over and over until I stood here.
Even as I thought that, I hated myself for the thought. Meeting Graham wasn't a mistake. Nothing that has happened between us was a mistake. But it was all a matter of circumstances. It wasn't something that was supposed to happen, and it wasn't something that could continue to happen. I needed to get back on to my intended path now. I needed to push the reset button and bring myself back to what was always meant to happen. I would get on the cruise at whatever port city I could find. I would enjoy the last few days of the trip that I had intended to go on. And then I would go home. I would return to the life that I had meant to return to, and I would find out what was next.
Graham
I stood on the dock long after the cruise ship had pulled away. Holly hadn't wanted me to, but there was nothing that was going to take me away from standing by the water and watching as the ship disappeared toward the horizon. She hadn't come to stand by the railing to wave goodbye the way others had. She wasn't the only one boarding the ship at that port, but the crowd on the decks had already been so thick that when she walked on I couldn't see her anymore. I could still taste her kiss and the salts of the tears that had slipped between our lips as we parted.
"Thank you for everything," she had said to me.
"For what?" I asked.
"For everything," she said. "Tell Charlie," she hesitated and swallowed hard. "Tell Charlie I said Merry Christmas."
I asked her why she decided to go on the cruise, but all she told me was that it was what she wanted. She said that this was the way that it should be. I didn't believe her. I knew that there was something else, but she wouldn't tell me. As I headed back to the hotel I wondered if everything that I had thought about her might be just as much a delusion as what I've been thinking about Brandy. Was it possible that I had gotten so wrapped up and all that had happened after stepping foot on that train, I had crafted in my mind something that didn't exist? Was I projecting something onto Holly that I would eventually see wasn't actually there?
Maybe we only worked with the chaos of where we had found each other. Maybe when everything settled down and life went back to just life, it wouldn't work anymore. Maybe she would never fit in in my life at all. I had to tell myself that. I had to reassure myself that she had made the decision that was right for both of us. I had to think about Charlie now.
That thought brought a moment of panic into my heart. I remembered hearing him talking to Holly and telling her about all of the Christmas gifts that he was sure that Santa would bring to him. The box of gifts that I had shipped to Brandy’s house were now sitting in the dining room, unopened. I knew that there were some things inside that he would enjoy, but there are also things that I had chosen for him because they were everything that I would have chosen for myself. The things that he wanted most weren't there. I couldn't imagine him waking up on Christmas and seeing that Santa had not brought him what he wanted so much. I reluctantly called Brandy and asked her what she had gotten for him. I was relieved to hear that she had picked up one of the gifts that he wanted but everything else that she had chosen could have fit any five-year-old. Suddenly I understood what Holly had meant when she said that I should be choosing gifts for Charlie and not just for a five-year-old and not for myself at five years old. This is my son. This was his Christmas.
I spent until all of the stores closed scouring the shelves for the gifts that he wanted. I dug through picked over bins, and pushed aside damaged boxes, hoping that the other parents would have missed the toys that were on his list. When I got back to the hotel that night I felt completely dejected. The room was empty and cold. Everything was pristine and silent. I held only one bag which held just wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbon. At the very bottom of the bag was a single small toy. Something only big enough to tuck into a stocking.
I went to the closet to tuck the bag inside, intending on having Brandy bring the box of gifts to the hotel so that I could wrap them the next day. When I opened the door, I saw that there was something sitting on the floor of the closet. It was a red velvet bag with a gold drawstring and I immediately thought of Coy in the post office and Whiskey Hollow. I knew that it couldn't be the letters to Santa. I had already snuck those back into the post office before we left the hollow. But the bags looked so much alike and there was something inside. I took the bag out and brought it over to the table. I opened it and the first thing I saw was an envelope. I opened the envelope and found a note card.
Santa was here.
I recognize the handwriting. I knew that Holly had written that note and had left the bag in the closet before we left for the port. I reached into the bag and pulled out the first item that I felt. My heart pounded in my chest as I put it down on the table to reach into the bag again. I moved faster and faster pulling out items until there was a stack of five things on the table. Five perfect gifts. I didn't know when she had done it, but Holly had saved Christmas.
My phone rang, and I pulled it out noticing Brandy's number on the screen. Hers was the last voice that I wanted to hear, but I answered it. Twenty minutes later I was standing in her kitchen again and she stared at me.
"How could you say that?" I asked.
"Don't act so surprised," she said. "But keep your voice down."
"Why bother?" I asked. "Don't you think that Charlie should know how you feel about him?"
"I love my son," she said. "I never said that I don't love him."
"No, you just said that you don't want to be a mother."
Brandy huffed, looking as though she didn't know what she was supposed to say.
"You knew from the very beginning that I never saw myself as a mother, Graham. I told you that from the time that I met you. I had my own life to live. My own things to do. I never wanted to have a child. I never wanted my life controlled that way. You controlled me enough."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what that means," she said. "Everything has always been your way. I had to bow to your schedule, your work, your dreams. I had to do what you wanted to do, because that was the only way. And then I got pregnant and you got your ultimate control over me."
"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare act like my son is something that I inflicted on you. Yes, you had to make compromises in our relationship. That's what people do. I noticed that you stopped complaining when having my last name meant that you had a credit card that would let you do anything."
"You think that's all that matters to me."
"Of course, it is. It's all that ever mattered to you. That's why you wanted Charlie."
It was a realization that it just struck me, something that I'd never even considered before.
"What?"
"You said it yourself. You never wanted to be a mother. Never wanted a child to control your life. So why would you ask for custody of him? Why would you move him across the country away from me? It was all about money. You were furious that the prenuptial agreement kept you from getting half of my billions. You're too greedy to be content with what you did get, so you took from me the one thing that you know matters the most. You took my son. You took him to punish me and you took him to make sure that I would still have to send you money."
I was expecting her to argue. Even though I knew it was the truth, it seems like the only decent thing to do would be for her to try to defend herself, to try to pretend that that wasn't her motivation. But she didn't. Instead, Brandy just stared at me.
"What is it that you want me to say, Graham?"
"I don't even know, Brandy. You called me here to tell me that you couldn't handle taking care of him anymore. That he's too much of a handful. That at five years old, somehow, your own child is just too much a drain on your life."
"That's not what I said. He is a lot to handle. And I have other things going on in my life. Too much going on to be busy with him all the time. All I'm asking is for you to pay for a nanny for him."
I scoffed, taking a step back from her.
"You can't be serious."
"Why not? It's not that I don't ever want to see him. Like I said, I love my son."
"You just don't want to have to take care of him all the time."
My image of the possibility of us being a family seemed even more ridiculous now. I looked back on my time with Brandy and I knew that I had always seen the signs, I just didn't want to think about them. I didn't want to admit that I had made such an awful choice. I was starting out of the house when I heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs towards me.
"Charlie," Brandy snapped. "What are you doing up so late?"
"I thought that I heard Daddy's voice," he said in a sleepy tiny tone.
"Hi buddy," I said. "It's really late. You should be getting to sleep."
He stepped down another step and held his arms open to me. I hugged him tightly, breathing in the scent of him. I scooped him up and carry him up the stairs. It had been so long since I'd been able to put him to bed I wasn't going to waste this opportunity. I walked until I found his bedroom and then settled him in. I had ordered him a bed shaped like a rocket ship and this was the first time that I've been able to see it. It was perfect. I pulled the covers up over him and leaned down to kiss him goodnight, tucking his teddy bear under his arm. Charlie looked up at me with round brown eyes that looked exactly like mine.
"Daddy, will Holly be with us for Christmas?"
I shook my head.
"No, buddy. I'm sorry."
"Why not?"
"She had to go away," I told him. She was only here for a little while."
"Didn't you like her?"
I smiled sadly.
"I did."
"Then why couldn't she stay longer?"
I leaned down and kissed my son again.
"Go on to sleep now. I love you. Sweet dreams."
I was nearly to the door when I heard his little voice again.
"Daddy?"
I turned around.
"Yes, Charlie?"
"I liked her, too."