Chapter Seventeen
Gabrielle
"I promise that it won't always be like this."
I ran my hand along the side of my belly, realizing as soon as the words fell from my lips that I had just told my baby girl the first lie of her life. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I tried to wipe them away, wondering if she could somehow sense what I was feeling. I knew that when I was active, she was active, and in the rare moments when I found something to make me laugh, she would bounce. That could only mean that she could feel what I was going through and would react to me. I didn't want her to feel the pain that I was in or the sadness that permeated me with every breath. I didn't want her to know, even before she was born, that I had given up everything, that I had sacrificed the vision that I had had for my future, to protect the people I loved the most.
For the last few weeks that thought had weighed more and more heavily on me. I struggled every day with the realization that it would be less than two months before my daughter would come into the world and then I would have to face the more brutal reality of this situation. It wasn't just about me anymore. Right now I could protect her only by being here. I held her inside me and kept her warm, comfortable, and safe. She might feel the pain that I felt, or at least that something was different, but she didn't know. Soon she would be in my arms and I wouldn't be able to guard her from everything. Soon I would have to figure out what I was going to tell her, and the men.
I never wanted my daughter to feel like I didn't want her or that I regretted, even for a second, that she was here. I never wanted her to think that I wished that I hadn't had her or that I would have rather lived a life without her. The truth was that she was everything to me. She filled something in my heart that I had always known was there, but that I didn't understand the depth of until I knew that she was growing within me. Being a mother was something that I had always figured would happen at some point. It was just what was expected of me, both by everyone around me and by me. But the thought was abstract. It was something that existed on the periphery of my thoughts about my future, but not something that I ever truly planned for or even imagined. Then suddenly it was real. Suddenly it was everything.
I loved her in a way that I couldn't describe and I knew that the decision that I had made, as much as it tore my heart out, as much as it made me feel like I couldn't breathe when I thought about it too much, was the right one. This was the decision that I needed to make and the one that would ensure that my daughter had the life that she deserved. But I knew that she may not understand that. There would come a day when I would have to explain to her that I had chosen this path because it protected her and it protected the men I loved. I would have to be careful in the way that I told her, in the words that I chose. I still didn't know what the brothers would think when she was born. I would have to tell them, of course. She was their child. At least of one of them. And at the very least that man had a right to her. What he would do with that right, however, I didn't know. He may want nothing to do with her and if that happened, I didn't know what I would tell her. I wanted her to know who she was, but at the same time, I never wanted her to be confused or to feel as though she had been thrown away.
The confusion made me feel as though everything inside of me was tied in an impenetrable knot. I didn't know what I felt or what I should feel. I had been fighting for so long to push away the thoughts of the men and the longing that I had for them. The love that I felt for them was undeniable, but it was something that I couldn't think about, something that I couldn't allow myself to experience. I had to protect myself and that meant acknowledging that they would never return that love.
I knew that this was what was right for everyone. Staying with the men would have just meant more pain later. If I had stayed with them it would have either meant that I would have suffered or I would have caused them to suffer. I would have had to face the pain of them rejecting our daughter or never treating her with the love and adoration that they would have given to a son, or I would have to cope with knowing that even if they did keep my daughter and me with them because they felt that they were obligated, I would be trapping them. They had had a very specific idea for their future and I felt that I hadn't lived up to that for them. I knew that it wasn't my fault. I knew that I didn't cause the little one growing inside me to be a girl and that there was no way that they could blame me. But that didn't change that I felt responsible. I felt as though I had been holding their hopes for what their lives would be in my hand and I had come to a point where I had to choose which direction it was going to go.
Walking away from them had been the hardest thing that I had ever done. But I believed in my heart that I was doing for them what they would truly want. I was offering them the opportunity to start over, to find someone else who would be better able to give them what they needed. I knew that that didn't just mean a son. From the beginning there had been nothing that showed intention of a permanent link beyond our child. They had never given any indication that they wouldn't be dating other people or that one day they wouldn't find a woman they might want to marry. That had been fine for me at first, but I knew that if I was to be honest with myself I had to admit that it wasn't anymore. I had fallen completely in love with them, all of them, and had begun to build my life around that love. I no longer thought of them just as the fathers to my child or even my companions. Instead, I saw them as my partners. I felt a possessiveness over them, a claim to them that I knew wasn't mine to have. Stepping back now would break me of that feeling. I knew that I would never stop loving them, but over time I would be able to rid myself of that sense that they were the center of my life, that they were the only men I would ever want to give my heart, my mind, and my body to.
For now, I hadn't yet reached that place. I still went to bed every night thinking of them and wishing that they were there to warm me, to hold me, to comfort me and reassure me that everything would be all right. Every morning I woke up and for a brief, blissful moment I forgot that I wasn't there with them anymore. And those first few seconds I could still pretend that I was in my bed at the Griffin house and that I was surrounded by the security and happiness of them. I would sometimes lay like that, keeping my eyes closed even after the realization of reality had settled in, trying to convince myself to sink back into the memories.
It had been since before Christmas that I spoke to any of the men and I knew that I should check in with them. Until we were able to come to some sort of agreement, or they had the opportunity to tell me that they didn't want to be a part my life for our daughter’s life, I was still obligated to them. I didn't want to tell them where I was or what I had been doing. That kept us too linked. It kept us too closely connected to one another and that was exactly what I was trying to escape. If I could pull myself away from them and live independently, completely independently, without them even being able to check in on me or think of where I might be or what I might be doing, then I had a chance. I had a chance of getting through this end and coming out the other side with some semblance of a life still ahead of me. This was only a step, only a gradual move away from feeling so inextricably bound to them. But it was something. It was all I had.
Jackson
"Skylar, please," I said. "You have to know something. You have to know where she went or where she is or when she might be back. It's been more than two months and she hasn't come back yet. You're her sister, you can't tell me that she hasn't told you anything."
Skylar looked back at me with an indecipherable emotion in her eyes. I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt, and if she was either one of those, if it was me that was causing it, or if it was the thought of her sister who had just walked away from her and from their parents.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really am. I wish that I had something that I could tell you. The truth, though, is that I don't know anything."
"She hasn't talked to you at all?"
"She has," Skylar said. "She calls me every few days or so. But she never tells me where she is or where she's been. She doesn't tell me what she's doing or how she is taking care of herself. I asked her one time why she left, and all she told me was that it was something that she had to do. My parents and I have started to think that she ran off to be with the father of her baby. We never got to meet him, and we got the impression that she thought that we wouldn't accept him. If that's the case, maybe she left because she thought that it would be best for her and for the baby that they were together as a family, but she didn't think that that could happen if she stayed here."
I could feel my jaw twitching as I stared back at her. I knew that that wasn't the case, but I couldn't say anything to her about it. As much as I thought that Gabrielle was wrong for not telling her family, and as much as I couldn't imagine living such a lie just out of fear of what other people thought, that was the decision that she made and it wasn't my responsibility to change that for her.
Skylar looked at me for a moment and then I noticed her eyes widen. I realized that I didn't have to say anything at all. She already knew.
"It's you,” she said. “Isn't it?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, still not willing to volunteer any information until I was sure that she knew.
"I can't believe I didn't see it before," she said. "You're Gabrielle's baby's father. Aren't you? That's why you've been so worried about her. You're the father."
"She never told you?" I asked.
"No," Skylar said. "She wouldn't tell us who it was. No wonder. She wouldn't want to admit that she had gotten pregnant by one of the richest, most powerful, and most womanizing men in the area."
I felt a flash of anger and took a step toward her.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"I told her that she should be careful around you," she said. "The first day that you came in here, she was already smitten with you. Just looking at you from the kitchen she was totally head over heels for you. As soon as I realized who you were, I told her that she needed to be careful. I told her about your reputation. I hoped that would keep her from falling under your spell and getting herself into a situation that she couldn't handle. I guess I was wrong."
I was shocked. Not at what she thought about me. That was nothing new. I was shocked that that was the way that she thought about Gabrielle.
"Is that really what you think about your sister?" I asked.
All of the anger that I had felt for myself was gone now. All I was thinking about was Gabrielle and what she had told me about her family.
"What do you mean?" Skylar asked.
"I've listened to Gabrielle talk about you countless times. She is so proud of you. There are things about you that make her insane and she feels like your parents love and respect you far more than they love and respect her, but whenever she talks about you, her eyes light up. She is a full grown woman, but when she thinks about her big sister, she is a little child again. And now I see why that is such a problem."
"Why do you think that's a problem?" she asked.
"Because you still see her as a child. You don't appreciate the incredible woman that your sister is. You don't see everything that she is accomplished or what she has gone through just so that she could pursue the dream that has meant so much to her."
"I'm here, aren't I?"
"Is that enough? Just because you're here doesn't mean that you actually believe in her. It doesn't mean that you see her as anything more than a stubborn child who won't get over herself and her silly phase so that she can start her real life. What you don't seem to understand is that she already has a real life. She took a path that was, in so many ways, much more difficult than the one that was expected of her. She started the life that other people wanted for her, but she refused to accept it and to settle for it. She refused to be told who she was and what it was that she was supposed to do. I don't know if you could ever imagine something quite so difficult as to have the people around you who are supposed to love and trust and believe in you more than anything else doubt everything that you do and constantly tell you that what you want doesn't matter. And now you're talking about her as though she isn't even smart enough to make her own decisions about who she wants to date or spend time with. Who do you think you are giving her warnings about spending time with me or my brothers?"
"I'm her sister. It's my responsibility to try to protect her when I think that she is going to do something that isn't in her best interests. And what makes you so much of an expert about my sister?" she asked. "You're just somebody who buys her chocolates."
I gave a short laugh.
"That's funny," I said. "A minute ago I thought that I was the ruthless, heartless womanizer who knocked her up."
"Are you?" She asked.
"Seriously?"
"Yes," Skylar said. "Seriously."
"I might not have been great at relationships in my past and I might have entertained myself with my share of women, but I have never been ruthless. I have never been heartless. And I'm not a womanizer. The women who were with me knew what to expect. They knew what they're getting themselves into. And if they didn't, then that was their fault. If they were old enough and in control enough of their own lives to go out and hop in bed with someone who they weren't in a committed relationship with, or who they barely even knew, then they were old enough and in control enough of their own lives to face the consequences that might happen."
"Like getting pregnant?"
"Like finding out that a sleeping with them hadn't magically changed my view on them or on the possibility of having a relationship with them," I said.
"Is that what happened to my sister?" she asked. "Did she sleep with you thinking that she could somehow convince you to have a relationship with her, and you broke her heart? Then she found out that she was pregnant?"
"If that was the case," I said, "do you really think that my brothers and I would be here every few days asking about her? Do you really think that it would matter so much to me to find her? If that was what I thought about Gabrielle, I would have just let her disappear. I wouldn't care where she was and I certainly wouldn't be trying to get her to come back home."
"Home?" Skylar asked.
I hadn't intended to tell Skylar about my relationship with Gabrielle, or her relationship with my brothers, but it seemed that I had come to a point when I had no choice. I wanted to protect Gabrielle, to defend her, and that meant that I needed to tell her sister that all of the perceptions that she had about her were wrong.
"Gabrielle has been living in my house."
"With you?" she asked, sounding startled.
"And my three Brothers," I said.
"Are you her baby's father?"
"That's a seemingly simple question with a not so simple answer," I said. "Yes, I am her baby's father. I am one of the baby's fathers. My brothers are, too."
She was staring at me as though she was confident that she couldn't possibly have heard what she thought that she just did. She blinked a few times as if waiting for me to step in and clarify what I had said. But I remained silent. I wasn't ashamed of what I felt for Gabrielle or of the family that we were building together. I didn't care what her sister thought. All I cared about was that she would know how I felt about Gabrielle.
"Your brothers?" she asked. "I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," I said. "That's the point. You don't understand. You never made an effort to understand. That's why Gabrielle felt like she had to lie to you. She knew that look, what you already thought about her, and that you were never going to try to give us a chance. It wouldn't matter to you why she made the decision that she did, or even how we feel about her. You think that the only way that life should be lived is the way that you live yours. But she's not living her life the way that you live yours, and there's nothing that's going to change that. Even if she stays away. Even if she doesn't come back before the baby is born, or even after the baby is born, nothing is going to change what has happened between us and the way that we feel about her."
"How do you feel about her?"
"I love her," I said. "My brothers love her. I will tell you everything about us and about the arrangement that we have, but I need you too promise me that if you know anything about where she is or why she might have left, you'll tell me."
Skylar nodded.
"I would tell you, Jackson. I would. But I really don't know. She just left. But if I hear from her, I promise I will tell you. Despite what you may think of me, I love my sister and would never want her to be hurt or anything to happen to her. I would do anything to help her."
Lucas
"Come on."
I looked up as Jackson ran down the steps, slipping his jacket on as he went.
"What's going on? Where are you going?" I asked.
"You're coming, too. We need to go get Talon and Aiden," he said.
"Is something wrong?"
I followed him out of the house and we rushed toward where his car was parked in the gleaming line of other vehicles that we had collected over the years. We jumped in and I stared at him as I latched my seatbelt. He concentrated on backing out of his spot and heading down the driveway before he turned to me.
"I just heard from Skylar," he said.
My heart jumped in my chest.
"You did? What did she say?"
"She said that she wants us to come down to the chocolate shop. There's something that she needs to talk to us about."
I didn't know if that should be reassuring or if I should be nervous. On one hand, the fact that she called and said that she wanted to talk to us could be a good thing. It could mean that she knew where Gabrielle was, or had gotten more information from her about why she left. But I questioned why she would ask us to go all the way to the chocolate shop to talk to her rather than having her just tell us over the phone what she needed to say.
Jackson drove directly the Club, calling Talon several minutes before so that both he and Aiden were waiting at the front entrance when we got there.
"We could have had the driver bring us home," Talon said.
"We're not going home," Jackson said.
"What?" Aiden asked.
"Skylar called," I said. "She wants us to go to the chocolate shop to talk to her."
We fell silent, each of us lost in our own thoughts, wondering if after so long of missing her, we might finally have Gabrielle with us again.
Skylar was waiting outside the chocolate shop when we arrived. She walked towards the car and leaned over, looking in the window that I rolled down. Her arms were crossed tightly over her body and she looked defensive, almost as though she were trying to protect herself from the situation that was unfolding.
"You can't tell her that I told you," she said. "You can't tell her that I called you."
The four of us agreed and she nodded, looking to either side. I had to try not to laugh. I remembered Gabrielle telling me about how suspicious her sister was, and that she had the unique ability to turn everything into a conspiracy. As much as Skylar looked as though she was uncomfortable and hated that she was doing this at all, there was a part of me that was sure she was actually enjoying it. For once she was involved in something mysterious and that had to be satisfying.
"Why did you ask us to come out here?" Jackson asked.
"Because I didn't know where to find you and this is a central location that we all are familiar with. I didn't want to talk to you about this over the phone."
"Is something wrong?" I asked. "Is something wrong with Gabrielle? The baby?"
Skylar shook her head.
"She sounded like she was fine," she said. "But she did tell me a little bit more about why she left. She said that she felt like she had gotten herself into a situation that she couldn't handle and that she had made a really rash decision, but didn't know how to go back on it. I told her that she could have come home anytime, but she said that it wasn't that easy. There were things that she needed to figure out on her own and she couldn't let me or our parents make the decisions for her, or tell her what she had to do."
Skylar was looking directly at Jackson and he gave her a knowing nod.
"But do you know where she is?" Talon asked.
"I don't know where she is right now" Skylar said, "but she said that she would be coming back home soon."
"Home?" Aiden asked. "Does that mean that she's coming back to our house?"
"I don't think so,” she said. "She said that she needed to be back here because she's getting close to her due date and she wants to make sure that she's close to the birth center. She didn't tell me exactly when she was coming back, but she said that I shouldn't mention it to anybody. She doesn't know that I know about the four of you, so she didn't mention any names specifically, but I have the feeling that she meant she didn't want me to tell you." She looked at each of us, questions and worry in her eyes. "Is there something that the four of you aren't telling me? Do you have any idea what she's talking about when she says that she's in a situation that she can't handle? I can't honestly say that I understand the relationship that's going on between all of you, but I'm trying really hard to. I'm trying really hard to understand what my sister feels and to do whatever I can to support her. But I can't do that if I don't know what's happening."
"We really don't know," Jackson said. "If we knew we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. All we know is that everything seemed to be going so well and then she left. But we want her back. We want her with us. Her and the baby. It's not enough that she says we can work out something so that we can spend time with the baby. That's not what we want. Will you tell her that if you talk to her again?"
Skylar shook her head.
"No," she said. "I'm not going to tell her that."
"Why not?" Aiden asked.
"Because it's not mine to tell," Skylar said. "It has recently come to my attention that my family has tried to push Gabrielle and control her life because of what we see, and what we think is the right thing for her. Now I'm realizing that just because I think something is right, doesn't mean that it's necessarily right for everybody. I've never heard my sister sound as devastated as she has when I talked to her over the last few weeks. And that means that she has never been as happy as she was before she left. The four of you have changed my sister's life, and you are right for her. But that means that you are the only ones who can tell her that. Hearing it from me wouldn't mean anything. You need to make sure that she understands how important she is to you."
We drove home in silence. It seemed that that was the way that we spent most of our time now. We had each gone into ourselves, spending most of our days lost in our own thoughts and our nights struggling to sleep. When we got back to the house, we went our separate ways. Aidan and Jackson walked toward their wings of the house, while Talon headed for the media room. I made my way toward Gabrielle's room, and the new room that the four of us were designing. It had been meant as a surprise for Gabrielle, but we hadn't had the opportunity to show her yet. None of us had gone inside since she had left home, but I felt drawn to it now. I used the small key to unlock the door and let it open. Afternoon sunlight was streaming through the sheer curtains, pulled back on either side of the picture window, and the French doors that let out onto a small balcony overlooking the grounds. The light touched the new plush carpet and the glider that have been tucked into the corner beside already filled bookcases. Stuffed animals leaned against the wall, set on shelves, and occupied corners. Across the room a changing table stood ready, the compartments already stocked with diapers, wipes, and bottles of baby powder. I knew that the closet contained boxes of diapers and sets of simple clothes the baby could wear at home in the first few days and weeks.
My eyes fell last on the crib. Jackson and I had built it together, making sure but it was strong and safe. There was a bassinet set up beside it, the exact one that Gabrielle had pointed out to us, explaining that she would bring that into her room and the baby would sleep there for at least the first few months. The nursery was almost complete. We had wanted to make sure that it was ready for her before she even went into labor so that she would know that when it was time to bring our baby home, everything would be ready. In that moment I wished that we hadn't tried to keep it a secret from her. I wished that we had shown it to her and even let her be a part of choosing the details. We thought that we were doing something that would make her happy, but now I felt like it was just another thing that illustrated how we had pushed her away.
Everything that Talon had said kept reverberating stronger and stronger in my mind. I knew that he was right. Hearing it come from Skylar had only emphasized it. The four of us were so accustomed to things working out in our lives simply because that's the way we wanted them to. We worked hard at our careers, but outside of the office we were used to people anticipating our needs and fulfilling them, often before we even asked. We expected that we would have what we wanted just because we wanted it. We had been selfish and self-centered, and that had made us lose sight of what had become the precious, treasured center of our lives. Gabrielle.
I knew that it was us who had driven her away. The family that we were creating had long since stopped being about fulfilling our father's will. We were proud to carry on our family’s legacy, and we were proud to have Gabrielle by our sides. We didn't want a formal arrangement anymore. We wanted her to be ours, only ours. And for the first time in our lives, we were prepared to belong only to her. Yet none of us had said that to her. None of us had taken the time to tell her or show her just how much of a difference she had made to us. I was determined that I wasn't going to let that continue. I didn't know if she would ever trust us again. I didn't know if she would be able to accept the love that we were offering to her, and be willing to really commit to this life together. But I had to try. I had to at least tell her. She deserved to know, and she deserved to hear it from us. No matter what was going to happen, I wanted her to have that moment where she looked into our eyes and saw herself in our hearts.