ANABEL

 

Waking up with a queasy stomach has become a thing in following weeks. And with every morning I wake up and rush to the bathroom, it’s getting worse. If that’s even possible.

I kneel in front of the toilet (not really a nice picture, by the way) until everything that I put inside my body the day before finally gets out, taking bits and pieces of my internal organs, because why not, right?

It’s not a stomach bug. They come and go in a few short days. And it can’t be that everything I put in my mouth has expired. So that leaves me with one thing … One thing I’m not ready to address. An elephant in the room that I’m doing my best to ignore. Why? Because living in denial is way better than confronting the problem.

Easier.

After the article about William cheating on me got out and we resolved our problem I couldn’t bring myself to mention this. Not through the phone or Skype. It just felt wrong. But if I’m being honest, I was scared. Scared of telling him. Scared of his reaction. Scared because I felt raw and vulnerable.

Insecure.

Rationally I knew there is no reason to feel that way. William loves me. He does. I can see it in every action, hear it in every word. Still, something holds me back. Seeing that picture in the magazine was a wakeup call.

William Price is everything. Handsome, fit, rich, famous. But he’s also kindhearted, strong, supporting, loving … He can do so much better than silly little me. What if the way he feels toward me changes with time? What if this love isn’t enough?

What if the secret I’m hiding is a deal breaker?

Once my stomach is empty, I get up, flush the toilet, and go through my routine. I’m not the one to fuss over makeup on a daily basis, but it became necessary. At least some basic things like concealer, foundation and blush so that I don’t look like a zombie walking through the streets. Because that’s exactly what I look like when I wake up.

No matter how much I sleep I’m always tired and the bags under my eyes grow more and more. They are ugly purple shade and stick out on my pale skin. I’ve lost some weight because of all the throwing up and my cheeks are hollow.

There is no way I can put off going to the doctor much longer. Val is riding my ass. I’m sure she knows just like I know, but neither one of us said anything out loud.

Today. I just have to get through today and then I can concentrate on me.

My internship ended a couple of weeks ago and since then I concentrated on finalizing my thesis. I had a few meetings with my mentor in which we discussed some of my questions and ideas and after a few minor changes my work was approved. Today, I’m presenting the thesis to the board of professors in my department and then I’m done.

I’m getting my master’s degree and graduating.

Finally.

I just have to get through today.

*

WILLIAM

 

After “the ridicule” (that’s how I refer to the article about me cheating on Bel) I give my best to kill any doubt that may have stayed in Bel’s mind about us. About the way I feel about her.

There is no doubt in my mind.

There has never been and will never be another person I’ll love more than Anabel Majer.

We’ve been through so much already, I’m not letting the last couple of months we stay apart be the ones to take away all of our hard work and draw us apart.

Because that’s what a relationship is—work. Love is all good, but if you don’t work things out with the person you love, the relationship won’t succeed. You have to talk things through, make decisions, and compromise. And we had to work harder, try more just because we aren’t lucky to be in the same place at the same time. But that will change. Soon, in a matter of weeks, she’ll have her diploma and I’ll have her.

I’ll have her even sooner than she realizes.

All the texts and phone calls and Skype conversations didn’t remove that darkness from her eyes. It’s not always there, but from time to time I can see it looming over her, ready to take over when I’m not there to draw it away.

It scares me.

I’m not scared of a lot of things, but a possibility of losing Anabel scares the shit out of me.

Another thing that scares me is seeing her so small and vulnerable. We mostly do video calls in the evening when she’s in bed, curled in the blankets and with her face clear of makeup. I can see the bags under her eyes. She’s tired, and even when I shush her to bed early the next day is the same.

I asked her about her health. I told her to go and see her doctor, but she assures me everything is okay. She’s just tired. Preoccupied with her internship and working on her thesis and book.

I don’t believe her, but I didn’t want to push and make it all worse.

So, I’m going to do the only thing I know how—go there and take care of the situation spot on.

Dom wasn’t too happy when I told him I don’t fucking care about his endorsement deals and where I should show up to draw more attention.

Money and fame can get me a lot of things, but a new Anabel isn’t one of them.

Not that I would want her anyway.

The one I have is enough.