ANABEL

 

“Babe, I’m back!” I call as I close the door.

There is no actual need to shout, because this apartment is like the size of the kitchen at Will’s place in New York, but I like the homey feel of the greeting.

I turn around and place my bag on the chair before my eyes look for him. Only I don’t see him. No, I see the suitcase standing at the end of my bed.

Our bed.

My eyes look for him just in time to see him get out of the bathroom. I switch my gaze between Will and the suitcase a few times, before they settle on him.

“What is going on?”

“Bel, I …”

There is a lump in my throat so big I can’t swallow it down. It’s asphyxiating.

He doesn’t utter a word of explanation, but I already know it, and I don’t want to hear it. It’s not time. Not yet. He can’t go. It’s too early. We still have time. One month. We were supposed to have one more month together, dammit!

I bite my lower lip to stop it from trembling, or maybe it’s to stop this word vomit that wants to get out of my mouth. My head shakes from one side to the other, and I can feel the burn of tears gathering in my eyes.

“No …”

Will opens his arms and takes one careful step toward me and the only thing I can do is protest harder. “No … Just, no …”

“I’m so sorry, Tink …”

Painful sobs break though my carefully built walls, and the only way I can try to stop it is to cover my mouth with my trembling hand. So, I do it. Anything to stop this pain. Anything to turn back the time and return it to the days we were happy. Days we were together and the future, the inevitability of his departure, was weeks, months away.

His hands wrap around me tightly. I can feel his pain like it’s my own.

It is my own.

Because we’re one.

We’ve always been one.

We rock from side to side, not saying a word. His grip on me never loosens, not for a nanosecond. He rocks me in his arms to the painful, heart wrecking sound of my sobs.

Why is life so unfair? Just when the things were staring to get better. Just when we finally got into a routine and I didn’t wake up every morning in wonder that he’s still here. Just when I finally, finally got to have him for myself.

Am I too selfish? Is that the reason why life throws all this obstacles in the way of our love? Why can’t at least one thing be easy? We deserve this. We deserve to be happy for once, dammit!

“I’m so sorry, Bel. If I could …”

“It’s not fair!” I protest loudly, getting out of his embrace just enough so I can see his face through my tear-stained gaze. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” With every word, I pound at his chest harder.

William doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t stop me from hitting his chest. He doesn’t tell me not to yell or to stop crying. He doesn’t do anything.

I’m not even sure why I’m doing it. I know it’s not William’s fault. I know some things have to come before what we want for ourselves. That’s what being adult is about. Making sacrifices. Doing things you don’t want to because it’s the right thing to do. Does it make it easier? No. Does it make it true? Yes.

“I know, baby. I know.” His words are calming and so, so sad. “Please babe, anything … Don’t cry … Please …”

Tears start running faster, and I move closer to him, burying my face in the crook of his neck to hide my pain.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Will.” My words are muffled by his skin.

“Nothing is wrong. Life is just unfair sometimes, and you don’t have to be happy about it, but please, Bel, don’t cry. You’re killing me.”

Closing my eyes, I will myself to calm down. It’s hard. So fucking hard. I want to cry. I want to be selfish and damn the life and everything that’s holy, but I’m not hurting anybody but Will and myself.

Will picks me up in his arms and takes us to bed. I straddle his lap and move as close as possible to him. If I could I would get under his skin. Anything just to be together.

His hands rub my back, trying to calm me down. I can feel the pressure of his lips against my temple.

I don’t know how long we sit in silence. Me straddling his lap, his hands wrapped tightly around me and the blanket covering us from the ice cold of the reality.

“When do you have to go?” I barely whisper. My voice is low and rough from all the crying.

“Early morning.”

Another sob tries to break out of my lungs, but I stop it.

“That’s in a few hours.”

“I’m—”

I don’t let him finish the sentence. I cover his lips with the tip of my finger. His hot breath touches my cold skin.

I swallow hard before speaking. “I don’t think I can do it once again, Will.”

“What are you …”

Shaking my head, I press my lips against his in a tender kiss. All those emotions pure and dark transferred into one simple kiss.

I’m not going away.

I’m yours and you’re mine.

Forever.

Kiss after kiss, I erase all his doubts. I might be weak, but I’m not a coward.

“Love me tonight, William.”

*

WILLIAM

 

After we made love, Bel finally drifted to sleep. I guess all these emotions finally got the best of her. Thank god for that, because I don’t think I would be able to take anymore of her tears. I knew telling her I have to leave early won’t be easy, but I didn’t expect this kind of a meltdown.

Anabel is always so strong. So guarded. But this going back and forth gets the best of her every single time. I can’t blame her for not wanting to send me off because I know I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. I can’t put her through this pain once again. Every time we have to say goodbye it’s harder and harder.

We were fooling ourselves last year when we thought being together and doing this long-distance would be easy. There’s nothing easy about having to leave the person you love behind. There is nothing easy about not being able to touch the one you love every day, to feel them beside you. But at the same time, I know I wouldn’t have it any other way. No matter how hard it is, no matter how many tears I caused her to cry, no matter how much Bel’s crying hurts me, I would take it all over again just to be with her.

Just to have her love.

Tugging a runaway strand behind her ear I feel her hands grip my body stronger.

Even in her sleep, she’s holding onto me. Even in her sleep she’s afraid of losing me.

The first thought warms me, but the second is like a bucket of ice water thrown over my head.

There is no escaping these contradictory feelings.

Bel murmurs something incoherently in her sleep, her body snuggling more into my side.

Two months. That’s how long we have to survive until our forever will begin.

Just two more months.

Nothing wrong can happen in sixty days.

Right?