ANABEL

 

We make love three more times after that. Hard and fast, sweet and slow. As long as we are together, as long as I can feel him under the palms of my hands, I don’t care.

The moon that was shining through the open window is soon replaced by the first rays of sunlight. Too soon. The time is flying by, and there is nothing we can do to slow it down, much less stop it.

Through the whole night, neither of us fell asleep. Between our love makings we would lie on the bed, our limbs intertwined. His strong hands were around me holding me close. Keeping me safe. My head rested against his naked chest, so I could hear his heartbeat, feel the rise and fall of his lungs with every breath he took.

 “J.D. and Sienna will be parents,” I whisper softly, looking at the first rays of sun shining through the lingering darkness of the night. “How surreal is that?”

“I totally didn’t expect that.” His lips brush over my forehead.

“I know, right? But when you think of it, they’ve been married for almost a year now. Si is in her late twenties, and J.D. is thirty-one.”

“Hmmm.” I let him think it through and just enjoy being in his arms. “I guess you are right.”

Silence settles over us again. His hands caress my back in slow, even movements, and my fingers trail different shapes on his chest.

“You want kids, Bel?”

I tilt my head back to get a better look at his face.

We’d talked a lot about our future, but it was always about what would happen once I finished college. How I’ll move to the States and we’ll be together. But we never moved further from that point. We never talked about marriage and jobs and kids. Never discussed where we’ll live or what we want out of life. So, his sudden question catches me unprepared, but at the same time …

“Yeah.” I’ve always known I want kids. Somewhere down the road I want a family, I just couldn’t put a face to the picture in my head. Not before William. “What about you?”                                                                                                                                                                                                               

His hand cups my cheek. “I want it all with you, Tink. White picket fence, as many kids as you want, a dog or two, rocking chair on the front porch. The whole deal with a bow on top.”

Now I can see it in my head clearly. William coming home to me. William sleeping with our baby on his chest. William teaching our son how to throw a ball or playing tea party with our little girl. William and the kids playing with dogs.

The images continue showing like snapshots in my brain. It’s so clear. So real. So real it hurts. And until this moment, I didn’t even realize how much I want it.

How much I need it all.

“But first I need to marry you and move your sweet ass up here.” He spanks said ass softly.

I giggle. “That sounds reasonable.”

“And maybe we should wait a bit with kids.” His words make me lean against my elbow to look at him better. “We’re not as old as those two. The Knights are at the top now and there will be a lot of extra work and endorsements, lot of training and away games. I don’t want it all to fall on you, Bel. I want to be there for you. There for our kids. We are in this together.”

I nod my head. It’s not like I want to start popping babies as soon as we get married or anything. Will has his career, but I have mine too. “I totally agree with you.”

“But, don’t worry, baby. We need to practice as much as possible so when the time comes to work on those babies we are well prepared.”

Laughing at his words, I bend down and kiss him on the lips. His fingers tangle in the mess that’s my hair and pull me down to gain better access to my mouth.

“Lots and lots of practice.”

So, we use the last couple of hours before the alarm rings, signaling we have to start getting ready, doing just that—practicing. 

*

I nibble at my lip nervously as I watch the row for check-in get smaller and smaller in front of me.

William is behind me, his hands tightly wrapped around my middle. My hands are curled around his strongly holding on.

The lump in my throat is so big I’m scared it’ll suffocate me.

I hate this moment. Going to the airport, walking away, saying goodbye. It all feels so final. It hurts so much to do it, but it would hurt even more not to have him here.

From Will’s rigid stance and tense body behind me, I know he must feel the same. Since the alarm went off and we both started to get ready to go, the easy silence from the night before disappeared. In its place there was only tension, fear, hurt. All those dark, hard feelings cling to our skin, not letting go. No matter how many times we do this, it never gets easier.

Three people in front of me.

Somehow, I make myself push the lump in my throat far enough so I can speak. “I have to go.”

My voice is a trembling whisper. It feels small and delicate and scared. Just like I feel. Powerless.

His lips land on the top of my head. “I know.”

His voice is the same as mine. It sounds almost broken. The only other time I heard him speak that way was when he came to Croatia to demand answers from me. And I hate it. I hate that I’m doing this to him.

To us.

Long distance is like cancer. It eats at you alive. But we fight through it. Day in and day out. We take days as they come, not going too far into what ifs and whens. But it gets harder every time.

“Two weeks.”

“It’s like two years,” he groans as we take another step closer.

I turn in his arms and make him look at me. “Then you’ll be in Croatia for three months.”

“Two.”

“What?”

“Two months.”

A shadow falls over his face. I swallow once again before speaking. “What do you mean two months?”

Last year he spent March to June in Croatia. Then he went back, and I came as soon as I finished with my exams. I was hoping for the same, but apparently not.

“More work. My agent got me some endorsement deals and stuff. I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t say no. It’s just …”

“No.” I shake my head. “I get it. It’s a part of the deal.”

I’m not lying. I do get it, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t a hard pill to swallow.

We take another step closer. I feel my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. Right now, I don’t know what hurts more. The fact that I’m going home and we’ll be apart or the fact that he’ll have to cut his visit short for work. The lines are blurred just like my vision.

One more step.

Will’s Adam’s apple wobbles as he swallows. His lips land on my forehead. The kiss long and hard.

My eyes fall shut, and I just let myself feel. I don’t want to cry. I can’t cry in front of him. The first time we said goodbye I cried in front of him and it was too painful. For both of us.

His fingers lift my chin. I open my eyes, and through the blur, I see him bend down to kiss me. Soft and loving. Prolonging this moment to the maximum.

Soft whimpers come out of my mouth and tears burn in my eyes, but I hold them in. Slowly, we break the kiss, and I take the final step back.

I love you, I mouth and then cover my mouth with a trembling hand.

The pain in his eyes is so clear, so real, and I hurt even more for him. I know this is the end. The place where we have to say our goodbyes and walk separate ways.

His fingers grip mine stronger, not letting go.

“I love you, Tink. Soon.”

Soon.

We’ll be together soon.

It doesn’t make it easier, though.

So, with my backpack over my shoulders and suitcase in my hand, I turn my back to the love of my life and go through check-in.

Our fingers hold on as long as they can reach, but the distance grows stronger, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

I don’t turn around. I don’t even peek over my shoulder. It would break us both.

With tears held in as long as humanly possible, I walk away. And when I’m a safe distance from him I let them fall.

I let myself feel it all.

The hurt.

The pain.

The heartbreak.

The love.

So much love.

Soon.