Chapter Eighteen
By the time Kathy hit the highway, she was crying so hard she could barely see. She pulled over onto the shoulder until the worst of it subsided. Since she didn’t have her phone, she decided to just drive to Moira’s house and prayed that her best friend would be home. And that Jimmy wouldn’t be. The last thing she needed was to see another O’Malley.
Rejoining traffic, Kathy focused on breathing steadily and not crashing. She cleared her mind of everything but flowers. She pictured images of daisies and orchids and lilies. Anything but people.
When she got to Moira’s street, she was relieved to see Moira’s car parked in front of the house. She parked behind Moira’s car and went to the front door. Moira answered, took one look at her, and asked, “What the hell happened?”
Kathy fell apart again because she didn’t know where to start. Moira pulled her into the house.
In between halting breaths, Kathy asked if Jimmy was there, and Moira told her he was with his dad.
Moira pulled her over to the couch, sat her down, and then disappeared to the kitchen. She reappeared a few minutes later with a glass of water and a bottle of whiskey. Kathy took the water with shaky hands. After a few sips, she explained about the phone call with her mom.
“Good for you,” Moira said. “It’s about time you stood up for yourself. It’s not okay for her to assume you’ll rearrange your life to suit her wants. Is this why you’re so upset? She’ll come around, sweetie. Damn, I’ve said worse to my mother without trying.”
Kathy shook her head. “No. I mean, yeah.” She took a deep breath, or at least tried to. “I wanted to call her back and apologize.”
“Oh no.”
“But I didn’t. I put my phone down and left. I wanted to see Kevin. He’s supposed to make me feel better, right?”
Moira nodded, but her face filled with worry.
Kathy swallowed and continued to explain what happened when she got downtown.
“You think he’s cheating?”
Kathy lifted a shoulder. “It was the same as five years ago. He told me he was working late. He wasn’t expecting me. I showed up and he was with a blonde, laughing and drinking.”
“Wait a minute. Didn’t you tell me that he didn’t cheat with that blonde five years ago?”
“So he said. But he didn’t say he didn’t cheat. Just not with her.” Kathy finished her water and opened the whiskey. She splashed some into her water glass.
“Were they doing anything inappropriate?”
“Like what?” She took a sip of whiskey. The liquid burned her already raw throat and splashed in her empty stomach. She immediately knew she’d regret the move.
“Touching, kissing, sitting too close?”
Kathy sat back and closed her eyes, picturing what she’d seen. “He was being Kevin. No closer than with anyone. The woman touched his arm while she laughed.”
“Babe. You were upset about your mom, and I think your emotions ran away. Sounds like you jumped to conclusions. Did they jump apart when they saw you? Anything suspicious?”
“They never saw me. I left.”
“Crap. Kathy, you can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Sabotaging everything. I’m not Kevin’s biggest fan. We all know this. But the man is trying. You completely cut him off at the knees.”
Kathy gulped the rest of her liquor. “I can’t help the way I reacted. It was a gut feeling. And you’re probably right. Maybe he wasn’t cheating or even thinking about it. But what does that say about us? It’s a pretty messed up relationship.” She poured another glass. “I think I’m spending the night. Is that okay?”
“Anytime.”
She didn’t want to think about what Moira had said out of fear that her friend was right. It was easier to believe that Kevin would screw up again, that he couldn’t be trusted. Another tear rolled down her cheek as she slugged back more whiskey. It didn’t matter that her heart knew the truth.
* * *
Early the next morning, Kathy was up and out the door of Moira’s house, leaving a brief thank-you note behind. Sleep had been mostly nonexistent last night and she felt no better about anything in her life. She had no deliveries this morning, but instead of indulging in a leisurely coffee and reading Facebook posts, Kathy decided a run was in order.
Since starting to date Kevin, she hadn’t been running nearly as regularly, mostly because if she was in bed with him, she had no desire to leave. The thought stuck in her tight throat. She needed to run to make sense of her feelings.
She left her music and earbuds in her apartment. Today she wanted to hear her thoughts with the city as her backdrop. After some quick stretches, she jogged slowly down the block. Her body was sluggish and her muscles tight, but she pushed forward.
For as long as she could remember, running offered her peace. Traffic swooshed by along Lawrence Avenue and she jogged around pedestrians shopping in the various stores. A bus rumbled, filling the air with black exhaust, so she turned the corner. Kids were already out, playing in front yards, enjoying the last few summer days before having to go back to school.
Kathy thought back to yesterday, and allowed all of the horrible emotions wash over her. She still hadn’t heard from her mother, which worried her. It wasn’t like she had spare family to run to. She picked up the pace.
Everything she’d said to her mom was right. Her weekend was more important than some party that she’d known nothing about. And thinking about her weekend made her think about Kevin. Her heart lurched.
Now that she was done crying, she processed what Moira had said. She pictured Kevin and the blonde in the conference room. She didn’t like the friendly way the woman had touched Kevin, but it hadn’t been sexual.
But Kathy despised her reaction more. She hated that the first thought she had was that Kevin would cheat.
Her head was all kinds of fucked up. How the hell had she thought she was ready for any real relationship, much less one with a man she didn’t trust? She’d thought she could do this, but she was failing miserably.
She punished her body by running harder and faster than she had since high school. She wanted to break everything down so she couldn’t feel anymore. She wasn’t done fixing herself, so she knew what had to be done.
It would mean more pain for both her and Kevin. But continuing on like this wasn’t any good for either of them.