Chapter Twenty
Kathy sat in the dark in her apartment with nothing but the glow of her TV to keep her company. It wasn’t all that late, but she could hear the comings and goings of her neighbors as they enjoyed their weekend. She normally missed out on such things because she was usually in bed. Tonight, she knew she wouldn’t sleep.
She’d spent the entire day thinking about everything she’d seen, heard, and said. She’d let Moira’s words sink in and after a lot of debate, she realized that it didn’t matter if Kevin had cheated. The problem was with her. She automatically went there.
She might never trust Kevin.
Who wanted to be in a relationship like that?
A thump sounded at her door, startling her.
“Hey, Kathy, it’s me. Open up.”
It was Kevin, but it didn’t sound quite like him. She went to the door and peeked through the peephole. He leaned with his arms braced against the door frame.
“Open up. I know you’re in there.” He lifted his head and looked at the closed door.
She realized then that he sounded funny because he was drunk.
He thunked his head against the door. “Please open the door. I need to see you. I need to explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain,” she said through the closed door.
“I won’t come in. I won’t even ask to. Please just let me talk to you. See your face.”
As much as she didn’t want to open the door, part of her wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, so looking at his face seemed to be a fair compromise. She unlocked the door and cracked it open. “How did you get in the building?”
“Mrs. Thomas let me in. I think she likes me.” He gave her a smile that broke her heart even more because Kathy liked him too.
“Moira told me you came to the office yesterday.”
She closed her eyes because there was so much about yesterday she wished she could forget.
“You should’ve come all the way into the office. I would’ve introduced you to Marnie.” He stepped closer and raised his hand as if to touch her. “There’s nothing going on with me and Marnie. I don’t want her. I only want you.”
God, she wanted to believe that. She wanted to wrap herself up in those words and live in them forever.
“I told you that this is what I want.” He waved a hand between them. “It’s not a game for me. I’m not fucking around.” As he spoke, his voice got louder, but she was pretty sure he was unaware.
“I know.”
His shoulders sagged. “If you know I’m not fucking around, then why the hell am I standing in the hall instead of lying in your bed? We can still have our weekend.” He moved closer still like he wanted to come in.
Kathy pulled the door close and held up a hand. “We’re not getting back together.”
“What?”
“This can’t work, Kevin. It’s not just about you.”
“Don’t fucking give me the it’s-not-you-it’s-me speech. Fuck that.”
“This isn’t a clichéd speech. Don’t you get it? I saw you with another woman, and I immediately assumed you were cheating on me. That was my first thought. No matter how much we think we can make this work, it’s not. What I said earlier stands. Good-bye.” She slipped behind the door and closed it.
She squeezed her eyes shut as she flipped the lock.
“You said you were in this. Whatever it takes. That’s what you said.”
She pressed her forehead and her palm against the cool wood. A tear trekked down her cheek. “I was wrong,” she whispered. “I’m not strong enough.”
Another thump against the door startled her. “I’m not leaving, Kathy. I’m not giving up.”
She heard him slide down the door. He couldn’t stay there, and she knew he would. Stepping away from the door, she turned off her TV, grabbed her phone, and closed herself into the dark of her bedroom. Then she dialed Moira.
“Hello?” Moira asked groggily.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Kathy?”
“Yeah. Kevin is here and he’s drunk. He’s sitting in the hallway of my apartment building refusing to leave. I’m afraid one of my neighbors will call the police.”
“He’s what? Hold on. Jimmy. Get up. Kevin left.”
Kathy heard movement on the other end and waited patiently. Mumbling was quickly followed by a loud stream of curses by Jimmy. Then Moira returned. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. He’s been in the hall the whole time.”
“I’m sorry. We thought he went to sleep.”
“He was there?”
“Of course. He came here to get drunk after your broke up with him. He’s heartbroken, Kath.”
He wasn’t the only one.
“Jimmy’s getting dressed now. He’ll come get him.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I will be. I hope.”
“I think you should step back and reconsider. He really loves you.”
There was that word again. Love. Love wasn’t enough, no matter what people said or what everyone was taught as a child. “I know. I’ll talk to you later.”
Kathy disconnected, powered off her phone, and pulled the blanket over her head. She didn’t want to hear Jimmy’s arrival or the fight that would surely follow.
* * *
Kevin pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. At some point Kathy would come to her senses and open the door to let him in. Even if it was just because she felt sorry for him or because she was embarrassed that he was sitting in her hallway drunk, she’d let him in. Then he could really talk to her and make her understand.
They were supposed to be together. They loved each other. He knew it. Why didn’t she? You don’t fucking walk away from something like that because it got hard.
He heard the exterior door open and close with people coming and going to enjoy their weekend. He should be enjoying his, not sitting drunk on a stinky carpet.
Suddenly a shadow loomed over him. “What the hell is it about the O’Malley boys needing to be drunk and stupid over a broken heart?”
Fucking Jimmy.
Kevin looked up at his big brother. The man who always had his life together, who always knew what he wanted and got it. The guy who never fucked up. Jimmy crossed his arms over his broad chest.
“How did you get here?”
“Don’t worry. Didn’t drive. Called a car.”
“Good to know there’s still a little brain function in there.” He held out a hand. “Let’s go.”
Kevin shook his head. “Not leaving.”
“You can’t stay. She doesn’t want you here.”
“She’ll come around.”
“Even if she does, it won’t happen tonight. Not like this.”
Kevin put his head back on his knees and curled his hands on the back of his head. He didn’t want to hear this.
Jimmy sat on the floor beside him. “What did she say?” he asked.
“She knows I didn’t cheat on her. But that’s not enough. She’s so afraid I will that she’s quitting.”
“Damn.”
“As soon as things get hard she runs away. She won’t stay and fight.”
“Maybe that’s a sign, man.”
“I can’t give up.”
“You can’t make her want this either.”
His stomach roiled with the alcohol and stress. “She does want it. She just doesn’t know how to do it. She’s scared.”
“Everyone’s scared. Sitting in front of her door won’t change that. It’ll only make things worse. How did you think this would fix anything?”
“Moira said Kathy saw me with Marnie. I had to tell her I didn’t cheat. I wouldn’t do that to her. I promised her I wouldn’t hurt her again. I had to tell her.”
“And you told her.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“Come on.” Jimmy stood and grabbed Kevin’s arm to haul him off the floor. “You need to sleep it off and come up with a better plan. This just makes you look pathetic.”
“I am pathetic. I love her.” He stumbled as he followed Jimmy down the hall.
“I know.” He held Kevin’s shoulders to keep him steady. “Does she know?”
“I keep telling her. Don’t know if she believes me.”
Jimmy pushed the door open and a blast of night air hit them. Kevin’s stomach was still churning, and he paused next to the car.
“If you’re gonna be sick, do it before you get in.”
“I’m not gonna be sick. I’m fine.” He turned to tell his brother to stop being an asshole, but the sudden movement was just enough to disturb his stomach the wrong way, and all the alcohol made a trip up his throat. The whiskey was definitely worse coming up than it was going down.
“Fuck,” Jimmy said. Although he’d jumped out of the way, puke had splashed on his shoes.
Kevin held on to the front of the car until the vomiting passed and his stomach stopped clenching. Jimmy returned and handed him a bottle of water. “Here.”
Always prepared. Always perfect.
“You’re a fucking asshole. You know that?”
“Me? I just handed you a bottle of water so you don’t dehydrate. How does that make me an asshole?”
Kevin swished water through his mouth and spit. Then he took a drink. “You never fuck up. You do everything right. You’re always there to catch us when we screw up.”
“I’m your brother. It’s my job to be here. Drink the water.”
Kevin did as he was told.
“Better?”
“Fine.”
Jimmy opened the door for him and then got behind the wheel. “For the record, I’ve done my share of screwing up. I’m not perfect. I look at you guys—you, Sean, Tommy, and Norah—and I think I messed up pretty bad. You guys don’t know how to have normal relationships and that’s probably my fault. I wish I knew how to help you fix this, but I don’t.”
“Take another look at them. They all figured it out. They’re happy. It might’ve been rough, but they found someone to love who loves them. What more could you want?”
“Nothing.” Jimmy started the car. “Does she love you?”
“She hasn’t said it, but she does. I know she does.” He leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and let his big brother drive him home.