Chapter Twenty-One
It had taken all of Kathy’s willpower not to sit by her door to listen to Jimmy and Kevin talk. She’d known the minute Jimmy had gotten there because she’d had to buzz him in. Their deep voices murmured through the door for a while, but she couldn’t make out the words. She tried to convince herself that whatever they said didn’t matter. Kevin didn’t matter because they were over.
But she had never been very good at lying to herself.
Instead, she left through her back door to go to the flower shop and work on the centerpieces she’d promised her mother for the engagement party. Even though her mother had hung up on her, Kathy knew she would still expect to be able to pick up the flowers. Darcy Hendricks was not the kind of woman who made a promise and then didn’t deliver. It would make her look bad to the rest of the family.
Kathy worked by the glow of a couple of low lights. She laughed at her thoughts. She’d never cared much about what her family had thought about her. She’d only gone to family events because her mother expected her to. At this moment, she began to question all of the expectations. Kathy always did what was expected of her. Even now, making these centerpieces for a cousin she didn’t like.
She stared at the sprig of baby’s breath in her hand. Why was she doing this? Her mother had hung up on her and hadn’t attempted to contact her since.
With the finishing touches on the centerpieces, she stood back and admired her work. They were simple, but pretty. Then she decided it was time for a dose of reality. She came here to avoid Kevin. Her therapist would say that she worked on the centerpieces to avoid thinking about how hurt she was. She was devastated.
Fighting with her mother scared her. Seeing Kevin with another woman freaked her out and triggered irrational thoughts. And now she was paying the price for all of it. She sank into the chair in her office and cried. She allowed herself to feel everything she’d been avoiding, the deep hurt and anger and confusion. All of it hit her and she was miserable.
At some point she’d fallen asleep with her head on her desk. She heard movement in the store and she checked her phone. Anna was right on time to open. Kathy scrubbed her hands over her face, knowing there was no disguising the fact she’d been crying or that she’d slept in the office.
“Hey, Anna,” she called from the office door so she wouldn’t scare her.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were heading for your weekend away.”
As if she needed the reminder of where she was supposed to be. “I came in last night to work on those centerpieces for my mom in case she decides to come in to get them. I don’t even know for sure if she will.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine. Give me a call if you have any problems.”
“I won’t be calling. Enjoy your weekend.”
Kathy just nodded and left. When she got home, she crawled into bed and cried some more. She cried thinking about Kevin. She wanted to call him and apologize, but she wasn’t even sure what she should apologize for. A litany of reasons entered her head: jumping to conclusions about him, not trusting him when he’d worked so hard to gain her trust, not talking to him when he’d asked, breaking his heart, not telling him she loved him. That last one was probably the worst of it. If she had told him, how would that have changed things?
It wouldn’t have, not really. Another round of tears flooded her face. She loved him but she didn’t know how to trust him. She didn’t trust anyone easily. Hell, maybe she didn’t really know how to love him either. What did she have for a role model?
Thinking of her parents made her feel even worse because she couldn’t pick up the phone to ask her mom what she’d thought. Although they weren’t close friends, Kathy would normally talk to her mom about the man in her life. Kathy sometimes asked her mom’s opinion or advice on things. Rarely did she follow the advice, but she at least talked to her. Now she had no one.
She must’ve dozed off again because the ringing of her phone startled her. When she saw her mom’s name on the screen, her heart raced. “Hi, Mom.”
“It’s one o’clock. Will you be here at three with the centerpieces?”
Oh my God. I can’t believe her. Kathy’s heart cracked again. “No, Mom. I’m not. I’m not going to Christy’s stupid party. First of all, I’ve never liked Christy. She treats me like crap. Second, I wasn’t invited, you were. Third, I told you I had plans this weekend. They were plans with my boyfriend. We were supposed to go away for the weekend. But now we’re not because I broke up with him. I’m lying in bed right now crying my eyes out because I broke up with a man I loved. I don’t give a fuck that Christy’s getting married.”
Silence met her and Kathy was sure that her mother had hung up again, but then she heard her breathing. So Kathy kept going. “You never asked, Mom. You never asked why I didn’t want to go. I’m upset right now, but you wouldn’t have asked why. It’s like my feelings don’t matter. I made the centerpieces. You can pick them up at the shop. Anna will give them to you.”
Then she hung up on her mother. And it felt freeing. It didn’t matter if her mother called back, Kathy would survive. She took a deep, albeit shaky, breath. She could picture her mother staring at the phone in disbelief.
The thought made Kathy smile. She texted Moira to tell her she’d just hung up on her mother. If anyone would cheer for her over that, it would be Moira.
Sure enough, seconds later, she had a string of emojis filling her screen.
She dragged herself out of bed and took her tube of cookie dough out of the refrigerator. Sitting on the couch, she ate the raw dough with a spoon, seeking some comfort. All of her insides felt twisted and tangled. All she’d ever wanted in life was a simple, easy relationship, someone to love and come home to every day. A man to share her life with.
She didn’t know why it had to be hard. Love wasn’t supposed to be hard, was it? Moira and Jimmy didn’t make it look hard. Neither did any of the O’Learys now that she thought about it. They might not have perfect relationships, but she couldn’t remember Moira ever talking about any of them feeling like she did right now.
Kathy chewed on some dough. There were a couple of weeks where Jimmy avoided Moira because she wasn’t quite the woman he thought he wanted, but he came around pretty quickly. Maybe for someone looking in from the outside it never looked that hard, but when you’re the one in the middle of it, it sucks.
Her doorbell rang, pulling her from her thoughts. She glanced down at her messy clothes and shrugged. If someone wanted to show up uninvited and without warning, she wasn’t about to dress up. She opened the door and was surprised to see her mother standing there.
“Mom.”
“Are you going to let me in?”
“Sure.” She opened the door and set her cookie dough on the table. Her mom came in. She was obviously dressed for the party, wearing a simple black skirt and blue blouse. Kathy stared at her, still in shock and half expecting to be yelled at.
“You can stop staring like an open-mouthed fish now. I’m the same woman you’ve known your whole life.” She pointed to the cookie dough. “Still too lazy to bake them I see.”
“It’s better raw.”
“No. You used it as comfort when you were too young to use the oven.” Her mom gripped her hands together and looked her in the eye.
The statement was true, but Kathy had no idea that her mother had known.
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t need a lecture, Mom.”
“This isn’t a lecture, although you do deserve one. Sit down.”
Kathy sighed, but did as she was told. She curled her feet up and sat in the corner of the couch. Her mother sat beside her, close enough to touch. Weird.
“I’m not sure where to start,” Mom said.
“The beginning is usually the best.”
She shot Kathy a look. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone?”
Kathy shrugged.
“Don’t give me that.”
“Because I really liked him. It was special.”
“And?”
“And I didn’t want you to ruin it.” Kathy slapped a hand over her mouth.
“Truth gets easier after a time, doesn’t it? We messed up with you. We knew it, but we didn’t know how to fix it. And you made it easy because you never stirred the waters. On the phone today, you said Christy treats you poorly, but you’ve never said anything. Why?”
“Why would I? It would just start a fight.”
“So what? Sometimes you need to fight to get to the other side. To air the problems instead of stepping around them and pretending they aren’t there.”
Kathy sat in silence. She’d often spoke to her therapist about healthy fighting. The thing was, she wasn’t sure she could distinguish healthy versus unhealthy arguing. All of it made her feel horrible.
Her mom’s stare weighed heavily on her and Kathy began to fidget while she waited for her mom to speak again. “You spoke rudely to me today. It made me very angry, just as it did the other day when we talked.”
“I know.”
“I got mad and I hung up on you.”
Kathy nodded. She didn’t need the play-by-play.
“What did you think was going to happen?”
Kathy shrugged. “After today? I was pretty sure I was never going to hear from you again.”
“What?”
Kathy stared at her.
“You seriously thought that the bit you said to me would do more damage than the crap I endured from your father over the years? That I would stop talking to you, my daughter, over it?” She laughed. “People fight, Kathy. Sometimes the fights are ugly and people need a break.”
“I was really surprised to see you today.”
“You said you were heartbroken. There is no place I belong but here.”
Even though she thought she was done crying, Kathy managed to find more tears that slid down her face.
After a good cry, the first thing her mother did was try to convince her that the cookie dough really was better if it was baked. Fresh, warm chocolate chip cookies topped cold dough any day of the week, or so she said. So while Kathy took a shower and put on fresh clothes, Darcy baked cookies. By the time she came back to the kitchen, cookies sat on a plate waiting for her. Chocolate melted on her tongue. Maybe her mom was onto something.
“Now tell me about this man who broke your heart.”
“He didn’t. I broke his.”
“Then why are you the one sitting around crying?”
Kathy sat at the table and played with a cookie. She explained her past with Kevin and what happened over the last few days.
“Do you believe nothing was going on with the blonde in the office?”
Kathy nodded.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Now you sound like Kevin. The problem is me. I saw him with another woman and my immediate thought was that he was cheating on me just like five years ago. I don’t trust him, even though I thought I could. I want to, but I don’t.”
“That is a problem with you. It’s a choice you make. The problem is not in the thought you had, but what you did about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you go to him and ask him who the woman was? Did you spill a drink on him? Slap her and tell her to keep her hands off your man?”
Kathy snorted at the image of her mother doing any of those things. “No. I left.”
“That was your mistake. If you want him, you have to be willing to fight for him.”
“So every time I see him with another woman I should slap her?”
“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. You’re smarter than that. You shouldn’t be running away with your tail between your legs, that’s for sure.”
Kathy opened her mouth to argue and realized that her mom was right. She always ran away so she didn’t have to deal with any conflict. “I can’t. Just the thought of starting a fight ties me up in knots.”
“Get over it. You can’t live life without fighting.” She paused and looked at Kathy. “Well, I suppose you could, but it wouldn’t be much of a life worth living. Who wants a life where you’re not willing to fight for anything?”
“But you and Dad fought all the time. It was horrible. I can’t live like that.”
Her mother grunted. “You should know by now not to use us as an example of anything other than how not to do marriage.” She shook her head slightly. “We were a mess, but we kept trying to hold on. We weren’t fighting for anything, just against each other. All the time.”
“But where’s the line? How do I know when I’ve stepped too far in fighting for something I want that will ruin what we have? At some point the two of you did that and didn’t realize it.”
“I don’t have an answer. You have to pay attention. We didn’t.”
“That doesn’t help. I can’t spend my life wondering if this fight will be the one that sends him packing. That’s why I don’t fight.”
Her mother offered a mirthless smile. “If one fight can do that, he was never yours. That’s not love. If it’s love, he’ll be fighting to hold on. You’ll know he’s trying to hold on to you.”
Kathy wanted to believe her mother. She’d come back after all, even after Kathy had been mean and hurtful. But she was Kathy’s mother. It was probably in the mom handbook that she had to give Kathy countless chances. How many chances would Kevin give her?
* * *
Kevin worked through the weekend with a hangover and moved right into the week. He filled his days with meetings and memos and his nights with alcohol so that he wouldn’t think about Kathy. If he didn’t give his brain the ability to rest, she had no chance to invade his senses to remind him how lonely his days were or how cold his bed was. Jimmy and Moira had taken to nagging him via text incessantly every day.
When he stopped answering them, Jimmy sent their other siblings in his stead. He was half tempted to block all their numbers, but he couldn’t do that. He knew they were worried about him. Right now, though, he wished they understood that he needed to be left alone.
A sharp knock sounded on his closed office door. “Yes.”
The door swung open and Deb stuck her head in. “Hey. Long time, no see. I like the new digs,” she said with a smirk.
“It’s an office. And I don’t have to share.”
She let herself in and closed the door behind her before taking the seat across from his desk. “You haven’t responded to the invitation for the cocktail reception for tonight.”
“Why do you need me to respond? You know I’m expected to be there, so I’ll be there.” He dropped his pen. “Why does Park want me there for this thing anyway? I’ve been swamped with getting the new tourism board stuff off the ground. Why pull me into this meet and greet? He doesn’t need me for that.”
Deb leaned an arm on his desk. “Park likes you. Most of the city council is going to be there tonight. Your tourism board thing is working. I think Park wants to show you off. You’re the face of it after all.”
Kevin rolled his eyes. He didn’t need to be the face of anything.
“Speaking of . . .” She pointed in a circle at him. “You might want to do something about yours. You’re looking a little ragged these days.”
Kevin scrubbed a hand over his chin. Damn. He’d forgotten to shave again.
“The scruff isn’t half bad, but the dark circles that say you haven’t slept won’t win you any awards.”
“Good thing I’m not looking for any.” He grew more suspicious by the minute with this conversation. “Why are you really here, Deb?” It wasn’t like her to stop by to chat.
“Some of us are a little worried about you.”
“Us?” Who the hell even paid attention to him?
“Look, I’ve tried the nice approach, but that’s not working. And let’s face it, I suck at beating around the bush. Sheila noticed first, you know, since you walk past her desk every morning. You’ve scared no fewer than three interns with your growling this week. You look like hell, O’Malley. What’s going on with you?”
He really didn’t want to bring his personal life into the office. He never did, and it had served him well over the years. “Nothing. Haven’t been sleeping well.”
Her snort would’ve rivaled any Moira would’ve given him. “Yeah, I believe that. Guess that means it’s woman trouble. Do I want to know what you did to screw it up?”
“First, I’m not discussing my personal life with you. Second, even if I were, what’s to say I was the one who screwed up?”
“Because most of the time, it’s the guy who does the screwing up. I’m sorry your love life is a mess, and I hate to be the bearer of inconvenient news, but your girl is providing the flowers and centerpieces for tonight. Hope that won’t be a problem.”
“No problem with me.” Except when Deb referred to Kathy as his girl it was like a knife to his heart. Yeah, he still thought of her as his, and it was painful to remind himself that she didn’t want him to have those thoughts.
Deb stood and smoothed her already perfect skirt. “See you tonight then. You might want to go home and take a nap or something. Stay away from the hair of the dog though. You won’t make a good impression on the council members if you smell of whiskey.”
Then she spun on her heel and left. Deb was a sharp woman, both in speech and intellect. She was downright frightening. Kevin processed everything she’d said. He needed to make a good impression with the city council. Chicago was still very much a you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-yours kind of city.
But more importantly, Kathy might be there, especially if he showed up early enough. He could totally arrive during setup under the pretense of work and be able to see her. He hadn’t seen her since he’d shown up drunk at her apartment last weekend and even then he’d only seen a glimpse of her through a partially open door.
He closed his computer and cleared his desk. Tonight he’d make his move. Seeing Kathy would be a test. If she looked as miserable as he felt, he’d confront her. But if she looked like she’d moved on, unaffected by their breakup, he would accept that Jimmy was right. He can’t make her want him or fight for them. And maybe he was wrong all along and she didn’t love him.