The exam room was small, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to block out the bright fluorescent lights that shined above me. Two weeks had passed by and nothing had changed. Life with Colton had been just as terrible as I imagined. I sat in silence wondering if I would ever wake up from this nightmare. Brad was on my mind every second of the day. Only in my sleep, did I get a chance to feel his presence. There were too many nights where I would dream that we were together, only to awaken and find his side of the bed empty. I struggled with the pain, and every night my heart would break just a little bit more.

My cell phone buzzed in my hand, startling me. I looked down at the name on the screen, hit decline and sighed. I laid back on the exam table and fiddled with the paper gown while I waited for the results of my blood work. I grabbed the water bottle out of my bag and took a long sip, hoping it would wash away the migraine headache I had. Every little thing seemed to be a trigger for me lately. Memories from the day I told Brad it was over kept flashing through my mind. My conscience was a sea of guilt and I found myself struggling just to stay on the surface and breathe. I cried over everything and anything. My life was a mess, and all I wanted to do was go home… to his home.

My cell phone pinged with a new message. I glanced quickly to read the text.

Colton: Don’t forget we have a campaign fundraiser dinner tonight at 7:00 pm. I’ll pick you up at 6:30.

For a split second, I debated on ignoring the text, but I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of upsetting him. It was easier just to answer him.

Me: I’ll be ready

I shut my phone off and slid it back into my purse. A light tap on the door caused me to sit up. Dr. Bates, my family physician, had walked in carrying my chart. The long brown hair I remembered from my past was now grey. She had it pulled back in a low hung ponytail that practically reached the small of her back. Her slate granite eyes were still sharp and her smile was as warm as I remembered. She slid the stool across the room, took a seat, then flipped through my paperwork.

While continuing to stare at her notes, she asked, “You say you haven’t been feeling well for the past three weeks, is that correct?” Her gaze peered up at me through her thick, black glasses.

“The fatigue and nausea have been going on for almost a month now. The headaches, however, just started.” I admitted, while my eyes dropped to my lap. Maybe she’d diagnose me with a terminal illness. Wouldn’t that just be the end to all my problems?

The past few days had been hell. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I was dead or alive. If I wasn’t puking, I was sleeping. At first, I just chalked it up to the abundance of stress in my life, but the symptoms seemed to be getting worse. It was a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. Dr. Bates adjusted her glasses on her nose while she continued to skim over my file.

“Do you know when my blood work will be available?” I asked.

She looked up at me with a soft smile. “When was your last menstrual cycle?” It took me a minute to think that over. There had been so much chaos in my life, my periods had been the last thing on my mind. Then it hit me.

“Am I pregnant?” I’d been on the pill for years, but they did say that it was never 100% effective. When I was with Colton, I always made sure to take it at the same time every day. With Brad, I wasn’t as careful. Not that it was intentional; I just didn’t think anything of it.

She closed the file then scooted her chair closer to me. “Your test results came back positive.”

Tears escaped my eyes. I swiped my hands across my cheeks and took a calming breath. “Are you sure?” My hand instinctively moved down to my stomach. I needed to touch it. Knowing that a part of Brad was growing inside me was comforting.

He should have been with me, holding my hand, experiencing this joy with me. But I lied to him. I pushed him away. It disgusted me that I allowed Colton to take away the only true happiness that I’d ever known. I hated myself for being so weak and so sacred.

Dr. Bates reached for my hand and gave me a small smile. “I can run another test if you would like, but yes, you’re definitely pregnant.”

Her warmth was unmistakable. She’d always had a calming nature about her. She patted my hand, attempting to sooth my nerves. How could I love someone so much and hurt so deeply at the same time?