I was standing outside Lexi’s apartment, mentally running through the lines that I had rehearsed all morning in my bathroom mirror. I hoped with all that I had that she wouldn’t slam the door in my face, even though that is exactly what I deserved. I swallowed hard when I imagined how the situation behind it would go. She wasn’t going to be happy to see me that much I was sure of. My hands fumbled for the doorbell and I held my breath while listening for her footsteps to approach.

The door slowly swung open and the sight of her beautiful face felt like a punch in the gut. She was standing there with her hand on her hip and an annoyed look in her eyes. Even in the dimly lit hallway, she still looked breathtaking. She was wearing a grey crop top with a pair of tight leggings that showed off her curves. Her long blonde hair was pulled up on top of her head in a messy bun, showcasing a gorgeous, make-up free face. I was such a fuck up. I would do anything to make this right, even if I had to beg her every damn day for the rest of my life.

“What do you want, Brad?” At least she acknowledged my existence. I could work with that.

I flashed her my million-dollar smile that seemed to draw compliments from the ladies. It’s all I had. I knew these dimples were deadly, and I was going to use them to my advantage. Unfortunately, Lexi seemed completely immune to my charms. She looked back at me with a blank, empty stare causing the grin on my face to drop in disappointment. She wasn’t going to make this easy on me.

“Can I come in?” I asked, holding out the brown paper bag I picked up on my way over. “I brought a peace offering.” I held the bag up like it was proof that I wasn’t lying.

She craned her neck to the side to get a better look at the logo. “Is that the egg white sandwich, that I like?”

My lips twisted into a smirk noticing her resolve weakening. “And the spinach and artichoke soufflé that you love. I wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I brought you one of each.”

She seemed to think it over for a beat longer than I was comfortable with as I anxiously awaited her reply.

“I’m not hungry,” she announced, causing my glance to fall to the toes of her bare feet.

“Can I please come in? We need to talk.” I pleaded, leaning my tall frame against the doorjamb.

“I’m busy… and I’m not hungry, so I’m not sure why you need to come in.”

Jesus, she was really going to make me work for this.

“With what?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow. It felt like I was losing my touch, which made me more determined than before to gain an invitation inside. It was clear that the distance between us was far greater than I had anticipated, but I knew in my heart I could close that gap. I would wear her down like the lead on a drawing pencil. If she wanted to get rid of me I wasn’t going to make it easy on her.

“Look Brad, it’s been a shitty 24 hours and I’m up to my elbows scrubbing my toilet.”

My lips tipped up into a grin, not sure if her word play was intentional or accidental. Either way, she was absolutely adorable without even realizing it. There was no way I was leaving here without getting everything off my chest.

“Well, that certainly sounds like a lot of fun and all, but I really only need five minutes of your time.”

She huffed out a frustrated breath, “Fine.” She opened the door wider to allow me in as she looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. “Five minutes. I’ve got scrubbing bubbles that are demanding my attention.” She said, slamming the door behind us. She walked right past me, drawing my eyes to her perfect ass and the lace thong creeping above the top of her leggings. She gave her hips an extra swing with each step that appeared to be for my benefit or punishment. I still wasn’t sure.

I walked over to her small kitchen table, taking her breakfast out of the bag. I pulled out a chair and gestured for her to join me.

She slid into the seat across from me with a scowl on her face. “Please make yourself at home.”

“Lexi, I need to apologize.”

She looked away, biting down on her bottom lip. It took her a couple of minutes to find her voice, but when she did, it pissed me off. “Brad, we were both drinking last night. We can just agree to forget the kiss ever happened.”

“What?” My voice rose, and I shot up straight in my seat. Was she serious? She was delusional if she thought I could forget that kiss. I’d kissed plenty of other women, and not one had ever impacted me as much as the one we shared last night. Comparing that kiss only made the rest feel empty and insignificant.

“The kiss.” She eyed me carefully. “You don’t have to apologize. I know it didn’t mean anything. We can just pretend it never happened and move on.”

I pushed down my anger while I replayed the words in my head. How could she possibly say that kiss meant nothing? I felt the way her body reacted to mine, and she was trying to pass it off like it was a drunken mistake.

“You think I’m apologizing for kissing you?”

Her eyes blinked in confusion. “Well I thought… you know…” She shrugged her shoulders. “Considering what you said afterwards,” her voice trailed off to a whisper as regret started to fill my body.

Running my hands down my face, I looked her straight in the eyes, making sure my words were loud and clear. “I’m not sorry I kissed you. I won’t apologize for that.”

“Oh.” Was all she could say, clearly not expecting that.

“Lexi, it was what I said afterwards that I need to apologize for, because it came out all wrong.”

Her bright blue eyes grew stern, narrowing into doubting slits. “I don’t see how I could have misunderstood what you meant. Your words seemed perfectly clear to me.”

I folded my hands behind my neck and looked up at the ceiling, allowing my mind to think of a reply. The room grew deathly quiet while I mulled over the words that would make sense.

Nothing was registering in my head even though I had practiced this speech for hours. The pressure I felt was slowly turning into annoyance because I kept coming up empty. After a few more awkward seconds ticked by, I grew anxious knowing I had to get this out. My comment about Emily last night had put us between a rock and a hard place. She needed an explanation if I was ever going to make things right between us.

“What I said to you last night was not only fucked up, but it came out all wrong. I don’t like talking about my ex, but I know you need to hear this.” I watched her eyes widen as I continued. “I’m going to give you the short version. Her name was Emily. We dated for two and half years. She broke up with me the day she found the engagement ring I was planning on giving her.”

I tried to ignore the pinching in my chest as I popped the lid off my steaming hot cup of coffee. Lexi’s eyes followed my movements as I reached in the bag to pull out the cream and sugar packets. Once her coffee was fixed just the way she liked it, I slid it over to her.

“It really messed with my head because the break-up came out of nowhere. One minute everything was perfect, then the next, boom.” I smacked my hands together to keep them from balling into fists. I still harbored a fair amount of anger towards my ex, but one thing was clear to me. Since I met Lexi, I focused on it less and less. Hope replaced some of the pain in my heart and it felt like the wound was finally starting to heal.

She just sat there without saying a single word, allowing me to continue. “I thought she just got spooked and needed time to let it sink in.” A dry laugh escaped my throat as I thought back to how stupid I was for believing that. “But as it turned out I was wrong because she had met someone else less than a month later. Not that it made any difference, but I still held out hope. You want to know why? Because she told me that she still needed me in her life, even if we weren’t together anymore. So, I held onto that small thread of hope that she would find her way back to me. Because I knew, deep down inside that she still loved me. And then there was a moment when she and Chase broke up and who do you think she ran to for comfort?” I raised my arm pointing my finger to my chest.

Lexi’s freshly painted pink fingernails flattened around the Styrofoam cup she was holding and squeezed it so tight I thought she might crush it. Her concern for me had my chest feeling a little lighter. “So, what happened? Did she realize she made a mistake?”

I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud while shaking my head. “NO! Are you kidding me? They got back together and a few short weeks later she cut me out of her life entirely and married him.”

Lexi’s mouth hung open a few seconds before she snapped it shut. Her eyes turned a darker shade of blue, the color of new, unwashed denim. She looked pissed. “Why the hell would you still want her back after all that?”

“See that’s what I need you to understand. What I had with her was everything to me at the time.” I stressed placing that word in past tense. “I miss the comfort of our relationship. I miss the life we had together and the friendship we shared. Most of all though, I miss the man I used to be when I was with her.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with the man you are right now.”

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “No, you wouldn’t because I’m different with you.”

She defensively crossed her arms across her chest, pushing her amazing breasts into full view. I shifted in my seat, hoping she wouldn’t notice the stolen glance. “What does that mean, Brad?” She asked, cautiously, narrowing her eyes.

“It means Emily left me in a very dark place. I had pretty much given up any hope that I would ever feel that way again. I was so blind I couldn’t see straight. Then you came along, shining your light on me. Opening my eyes with the possibility of a future.”

I hated to tell her what I had to say next, but she needed to hear the truth. She deserved that much. “Here’s the tricky part. I’m still not whole. I’m still damaged, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you while I’m trying to find my way back.”

She leaned forward in her chair, resting her hand flat against her neck as she spoke. “I’m sorry about your ex. I get why you’re so cautious, and I understand you need time to get back to a place where you want to be. Believe me. I get that, but I want you to know something, too. Since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed my darkness fading a little more with each passing day. You’re not the only one who is still struggling. But thanks to you, it’s gotten a lot easier.”

Even though our darkness came from different circumstances, we both seemed to be stuck in the same emotional purgatory. Neither one of us deserved the personal hell our exes had created for us.

“I’m glad. If anyone deserves a life filled with brightness, it’s you.” I told her honestly.

Her mouth turned up in a small smile that didn’t quite match the look in her eyes. “You deserve to be happy too, Brad… but I won’t stand in anyone else’s shadow.” This conversation was headed to a place that I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

“Thank you for that… for being honest with me.” I cleared my throat, feeling it grow sticky inside. “So, do you forgive me for being an asshole?”

“You are far from an asshole.” She laughed, which caused a slow grin to break across my face. I was relieved that the heaviness of our little heart-to-heart was slowly lifting. I could feel the air start to filter back into the room. She stood and walked back into the kitchen. I leaned forward, rose from my chair and followed her over to the sink, keeping a respectable distance.

“I like you Lexi, A LOT. I want to continue to spend time with you. Not just because I want to protect you, but because I like the way you make me feel when we’re together. I just can’t offer you more than that right now. And honestly, I don’t think you’re ready for more than that right now, either.”

Her back was facing me, leaving me with no choice but to silently watch her while my words started to slowly sink in. I released the breath I’d been holding in when she finally turned towards me. It bothered me that she still couldn’t look me in the eyes.

“Thank you for being honest with me but I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to say.” She slid her eyes over to mine, and I suddenly wished she hadn’t. It was clear my words had wounded her. The hurt look on her face had me swallowing past the thickness in my throat. “I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel something for you that runs deeper than just friendship. Just like I’m not going to lie and tell you that your inability to move on doesn’t disappoint me. In fact,” I watched as she leaned her hip against the counter and crossed her arms. “After everything you just shared with me, I’m beyond disappointed. I’m conflicted. Part of me understands where you’re coming from, and the other part is frustrated because your words are telling me one thing and your actions quite another. So, until we can both get our shit figured out, it’s probably best that we stay just friends. You’ve become someone very important to me and I would hate to lose what we do have.”

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that. But for the record, I’m just as conflicted as you are. I think we just need to take things one step at a time.”

“Right.” She nodded, “but we’ll be taking those steps as friends.”

“Right.” For now, I silently told myself.

Even though we just seemed to reach an understanding, I was still feeling a bit out of my element. This girl had me all twisted up inside. She was everything I could ever need and everything I wasn’t ready for. How was I supposed to navigate through this relationship without crossing a line somewhere? How was I supposed to hold back when all I wanted to do was move forward? The connection I had with her had the potential to be something big. Possibly bigger than what I’d had with Emily. I needed to find a way to balance keeping her close, without sending her mixed signals.

The vibration of my phone on my leg pulled me from my thoughts. I reached in the pocket of my cargo shorts and pulled it out to see a text from Sawyer.

Sawyer: Pick up a few cases of beer on your way. Yeah?

I looked up from my phone to see Lexi watching me. I held my phone out so she could see who it was from. “It’s Sawyer. We’re headed out to the Jersey Shore for the rest of the weekend. Looks like I’ve been assigned the task of getting beer on my way to the Cape.”

She smiled. The first genuine smile I’d seen since I’d gotten here. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until she just gave it to me. “The Cape?”

“Yeah, Cape May on the southern tip of the Jersey Shore. His family has a vacation home there. He gets to use it one weekend a month.”

“That’s awesome.” She said then walked over to the table and slowly pulled her breakfast out of the bag. I watched her pull the wrapper away that was clinging to the cheese on the sandwich when an idea popped into my head.

“Hey, listen, I know this is short notice, but I was wondering if you would want to come with me?”

“To Cape May?” She asked, surprised by the invitation. It had caught me off guard too. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about asking her to come along with me, especially after the talk we’d just had. However, the practicality of having her there with me eliminated a lot of worry that I’d be feeling from being so far away. I’d never forgive myself if something happened with her ex and I wasn’t here. The fact that we would be spending more time together was a just bonus.

“Yeah, it’s a two and half hour car ride depending on traffic, so if you’re interested we’d have to leave soon.”

I knew I was pushing my luck, but the more I thought it over, the more it made sense.

Her eyes widened, then she looked down to her outfit. “Like… as in right now?”

“I know it’s short notice, but I think you’ll have a good time. Faith will be there too and I know she’ll be happy to have another female around.” I cringed, thinking maybe I was trying to sell the idea a little too hard.

She pulled on the top of her ponytail and shifted in her seat. Her eyes moved past me across the room while she thought it over. I took it as a good sign that she didn’t shoot me down right off the bat. When her eyes settled back on mine, she looked unsure. “It sounds like a couples thing.”

“You can ask a friend to come along if that will make you more comfortable. Ask Abby if you want.” I answered too quickly, trying to close the deal.

At this point, I just wanted her to be comfortable around me. After the shit I pulled last night and everything going on with Colton, my only priority was making sure she felt safe and secure.

“No, that’s okay. Besides, Abby already has plans for the weekend.”

“Well, you are welcome with or without a friend.” I said, trying to sound casual. I glanced at my phone and noticed it was already 9:30. “Not to rush you, but if you are coming do you think you could get ready in less than an hour?”

I knew what I was asking probably sounded ridiculous, but time was not our friend at the moment. I was hoping to be at the beach by 1:00 pm, so I could enjoy at least a couple of hours in the sun. Just getting through the tunnel to the Garden State parkway on a Saturday was a going to be a real bitch.

“I can be ready in 30 minutes.” She smiled and then picked up her breakfast sandwich, taking a big bite before she sashayed out of the room. Could she be more perfect?

“Okay, great. I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour. Chop! Chop!” I called over my shoulder then walked out.