I could hear all the voices coming from the kitchen as I made my way back down the long hallway.
"I don't want to sit next to him!" whined one of the kids.
"Well, you don't really have a choice in the matter. Deal with it," said Michelle firmly.
Her voice had taken on an authoritative tone. It was in such contrast with the sweet tone in which she normally spoke. If I had not been rounding the corner and heard her speaking the end of those words, I might not have believed that it was her. Whitney was nursing a glass of water at the opposite end of the table and wasn't paying attention to what they were saying.
"There you are, Darren," said Hope, putting a bowl of mashed potatoes down on the table. "I thought you'd fallen in and I was going to have to send one of the guys in after you."
Laughing, I sat down at the table next to Michelle.
"No, I'm here. I was just washing myself up and getting ready for this delicious meal you’ve prepared."
"I can't wait to dig in," said Harlow, leaning over and grabbing a roll from a basket on the table.
"Stop that," said Hope, slapping at his hand. "If you start randomly grabbing food off the table, all the kids are going to start doing it and then we'll have a problem."
Everyone began piling food onto their plates, asking that food be passed to them. Everyone had finally gotten their plates filled with food. The table fell silent as everyone dug into their plates. The only sounds were grunts of approval and light chatter about how good the food was.
It had been months since I had a home cooked meal and the food tasted like heaven to me. I ate each mouthful gratefully, continuing to tell Hope how good it all tasted and thanking her for making it. Michelle agreed that it was delicious, and, although she didn’t say it, I had to imagine that it tasted especially good to her after the canned food I’d served her in the cave.
"So, Elijah, you have to tell us about your time with the rest of our guys here in the SEALs," said Monica, leaning on the table with her elbows, licking her lips.
"I'm glad that you brought that up," I said, wiping my mouth with the corner of a linen napkin that was sitting on the table in front of me. "There are a few things that I have been wanting to share with you guys that happened all of those years ago.”
"What's up?" asked Darren, putting down his fork and staring at me intently.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself to continue.
"Before the mission that you were all on, the one that turned deadly, I had a feeling in my gut that something bad was going to happen. I can't exactly explain why I felt the way that I did. It was just a bad—" I paused— “a really bad feeling. It was so strong that I started to feel nauseous right before it was time to go on the mission. I told our commanding officer that I'd eaten some bad food, but being completely honest, I don't know that it was food poisoning. Part of me wonders if I wasn't just afraid.”
I gulped, but they were all still looking at me— even the children— waiting for me to finish, so I continued. “And being such a coward, I told the commanding officer that I wasn't going to make it on the mission. After finding out about the accident where lives were lost and others badly injured, I was consumed with guilt. A part of me wondered that if I had been on the mission, would the accident have still happened? I felt partly responsible for how everything went down. I felt like I had abandoned my friends… that I had let all of you down."
I stopped to let my words sink in. I looked at the faces of the men at the table. They stared at the table in silence, their faces serious, like they were having flashbacks to that moment, right along with me.
I was sure they were about to get angry with me, start calling me names or even kick my ass… and then kick me out of Darren's home. Instead, they gave me the surprise of my life.
"It wasn't your fault," said Darren. "We all have had thoughts like that. What if this and what if that? The fact of the matter is that there is no way to tell if there's anything that any of us could have done differently to change the outcome."
"Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I have had the same thoughts," said Harlow. "I think we have all had that thought at some point. The thing to remember is that we were brothers— in the same unit. We were all brave and fought hard, side by side. Some of us lost our lives and some of us were injured but survived and some of us made it out just fine—physically, at least. There really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. But for those of us who were lucky enough to make it, we should be grateful. We should be grateful that we lived to see another day, that we were lucky enough to survive and carry on meaningful lives… to find wives that love us, and to have beautiful children."
"You are right," said Darren, looking over at Hope, smiling. "And Elijah, you may not be married or have children yet, but the fact that you are alive and have that possibility is everything. Your whole life is still in front of you. Cherish it and be grateful for every minute. And who knows? Maybe one day you will be lucky enough to have a wife and children of your own. But whatever you do, leave the past in the past and move on with your life."
My head instinctively turned to look at Michelle. She smiled and blushed, sinking down into her chair. Everyone else looked at me, nodding and smiling in agreement.
I felt overwhelmed with happiness. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I didn't know what to expect when I told them how I was feeling, but I felt as if yet another huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I thanked them all and sat back in my chair, taking it all in. We might not have been the best of friends while we were in the SEALs, or even now for that matter, but knowing that they supported me and understood where I was coming from did a lot to ease my comfort.
I had accepted the dinner invitation largely because I wanted to spend every minute that I could with Michelle. Now I was starting to feel like more than just an unwelcomed outsider.
"I'm so proud of you for sharing that," said Michelle, squeezing my hand. "I know that it wasn't easy. But, how do you feel?"
"I feel pretty good, actually," I admitted, squeezing her hand back. Her hand was warm and soft. I tried to hold onto it for as long as I could before she pulled it away.
"Can I play with James?" asked a little boy, popping his head up at the table.
"No Caleb," said Whitney. "James is going to have a nap."
"But, I don't want him to have a nap," whined James. "I want him to play with me."
"Well, you can play with him when he wakes up from his nap," snapped Whitney, getting up from the table.
"I don’t want him to have a nap! I want to play with him!" The little boy started pounding on the table with his fists and screaming at the top of his lungs. I instantly became grateful that I didn't have a child because I didn't know what I would do in a situation like this.
"Hey buddy, why don't you come in here with me?" said Hope, reaching out to grab Caleb’s hand. "Drew is out here and would probably love to play with you."
Caleb quieted down, sniffling. He reluctantly took Hope's hand and followed her into the living room to where Drew sat quietly playing with some trucks on the floor.
"Well, should all go into the living room?" asked Darren, getting up from the table.
"I'll help you clear the table and get everything cleaned up, Hope," volunteered Michelle, gathering empty plates that had been left at the table.
"Thank you," said Hope. "You really don't have to, though. I'd be happy to take care of it and join you all afterward."
"Nonsense," said Michelle, putting the plates into the sink and opening the dishwasher to start unloading the clean dishes.
The rest of us sat down on the couches in the living room. It was a warm, intimate setting. I had finally gotten the dark secret off my chest and felt more comfortable sitting there with all of them.
Watching them interact with their cute kids and the love that they all had for each other made me think about having a family of my own. Michelle and I would have some beautiful children. And I knew she would be the most amazing mother.
I looked over at her in the kitchen chatting happily with Hope and I hoped that I might have the chance to make her my wife and start a family with her. I would do everything in my power to make her happy.
It wasn't until I was sitting there with them that I started to see the drawbacks of being isolated for so long. I had only thought about how I was protecting myself from being hurt by people and from my own feelings. I had never given much thought that it was keeping love out of my life.
I hadn't realized how fucking unhappy I had been. I had been so busy making sure that I never ran into another person that I didn't think about the fact that I really had been lonely. Being around Michelle and the guys and being able to open up and connect with them, I now felt like I was a part of something real, something beautiful. I thanked my lucky stars that I had been out in the woods that day hunting, and happened to run into them.
We chatted for a while. I listened to them tell stories about their lives since they left the SEALs. They told me about how they had met their wives, what it felt like when they became fathers for the first times, and all the adventures that they had been on. Some of the stories were amusing.
After a while, everyone became tired. Maybe the three bottles of wine that we had polished off had something to do with it. Looking around the room, I noticed everyone was leaned over like wilted flowers.
"Ugh, I am so tired! I've got to head off to bed soon," said Michelle, who had finally joined us.
"Yeah, me too," said Monica. "Good night all."
She stood up, waved and disappeared down the long hallway.
"Yeah, I should be taking off soon," I said, getting up to leave.
"Why don't you stay the night?" suggested Hope. "We have plenty of room. I can make sure that there's an extra blanket or anything else that you might need to be comfortable."
"That's okay," I said. "I don't want to impose on you guys any longer. You have already been so wonderful to me."
"It's no imposition at all," said Hope, getting up and heading down the long hallway.
Michelle looked at me, smiling sleepily. I wished that I could spend the night with her in bed together, so that I could hold her and make love to her again. But I knew that wasn't going to be possible. Still, I was grateful that I would at least be spending the night in the same place as she was.
It had gotten dark, so it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to be driving in the snow that was still on the ground anyway, especially since I had been drinking wine and was feeling quite sleepy myself. I went into the guest room that Hope had prepared for me, and plopped myself on the bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t get my mind off Michelle.
I could only think about what the future might possibly have in store for us, and feel excited.