CHAPTER 18
GRACE

 

Staring at the calendar, I stood there, counting and recounting the days. I was like clockwork every month. Twenty-nine days in between the ending of one period and the first day of the next. I flipped the calendar over and recounted the days for a third and fourth time as my hand began to shake.

I was late.

My period was four days late.

Harper was still sleeping, and I was glad for it. I felt myself falling into a daze as I picked up my cell phone. The sun hadn’t yet crested over the tops of the trees and I knew she would be pissed with me at waking her up this early, but I needed her.

I needed to talk to my best friend.

“Really?” Amy asked. “It’s six in the morning.”

“I really need to talk,” I said.

“Whoa, whoa. What's wrong?” she asked.

“I’m late.”

“For what?” she asked.

“Damn it, Amy. My period is late.”

“By how long?”

“Four days.”

“Have you been stressed?”

“If anything, I’ve been more relaxed than ever, thanks to Ryan.”

“The two of you using protection?”

“I’m on the pill, Amy. I have been for years,” I said.

“But I’ve known you to skip entire days before you catch it. Have you looked at your packet recently?”

“Even if I have skipped some lately, that wouldn’t account for a late period now.”

“Is it possible it could be hormonal? I know you've been bitching about your boss lately. You think that’s thrown you off a bit?”

My breast began to ache and I rose my hand to rub it mindlessly.

Then, I caught what I was doing.

“Amy?”

“Yeah?”

“My breast hurts,” I said.

A silence fell on the other end of the line as I held my breath. I heard Amy shuffling around as tears rose to my eyes. The backs of my knees hit my kitchen chair and I fell down into it.

“Okay. I’m on my way to the drug store now. Have you peed yet this morning?” Amy asked.

“No. Not yet.”

“G. Grab a cup and get yourself into the bathroom.”

“Amy, I can’t be pregnant can I?” I asked.

“You know nothing is impossible in this world we live in. We’re going to do this like we did it with Harper. Pee in a cup and wait for me. I’m grabbing one of every pregnancy test on the damn wall, then I’m headed your way.”

“Amy, I’m scared.”

“Don’t worry. If you’re not pregnant, we can get you a doctor’s appointment to make sure nothing else is going on,” she said.

“And if I am?”

“Let’s take this one step at a time and deal with facts. I’ll see you soon.”

A tear rolled down my cheek as I hung up the phone, and suddenly I had the urge to pee unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I opened up the cabinets and grabbed a coffee mug, one I intended on throwing away once this was all said and done. I made my way into the half-bath on the other side of the house so I wouldn’t wake Harper, then I proceeded to fill the cup.

Memories upon memories came rushing back. Crying in the shared bathroom of my dorm. Amy racing to Texas to try and be with me. Crying myself to sleep at night in my bed. The shaking of my hands when I told Grant I was pregnant.

Relieving myself in the coffee mug, I set it on the edge of the counter. I heard Amy stick her key in the door before she came barreling into the house. I met her in the hallway, making sure she knew not to rush past Harper’s room.

Then she appeared around the corner with a bag in her hand.

“Here,” she said. “Do all of them.”

“Amy, there’s gotta be twenty tests in this bag.”

“Then we’ll consider ourselves thorough.”

I ripped each box open and stuck them into the mug. Digital tests and droplet tests. Line-dye tests and old-fashioned tests. Every single pregnancy test someone could find on a shelf was upturned into the mug or resting on the edge of my bathroom sink.

My hands were trembling as Amy went to stuff the boxes in my trash can.

It was the longest five minutes of my life. I sat on top of the toilet with my head in my hands. I was thankful that Harper was still sleeping, having a late morning instead of an early one. I felt tears crest my eyes as the timer on Amy’s phone went off, then she began pulling them out of the mug and tossing them into the sink.

“What’s the verdict?” I asked.

“Come see for yourself.”

Standing, I shuffled over to the sink. With each one I picked up, more tears fell from my eyes.

Positive.

Positive.

Pregnant.

Every single fucking test was positive.

“Oh no,” I said breathlessly. “No, no, no. This can’t be happening.”

“Grace, look at me,” Amy said.

“I can’t do this. Ryan and I—we can’t—”

“You need to sit down,” she said.

“We’re too new. He won’t—fuck. Amy, I’ll be a single mom of two kids.”

“Let’s unpack that for a second, because you don’t know that.”

“Don’t know. What do you mean, I don’t know? Three to four weeks. Those high-tech digital pregnancy tests say the same damn thing; that we got pregnant our first night together, Amy. The first time. Our first time. He’s—fuck, Amy. Three weeks. That’s all we’ve been together. And you’re telling me he’s going to suddenly want to raise a child with me?”

“You see how he is around Harper. He might like this. You don’t know that.”

“My mom has doubts about him, Amy. She says there aren’t subdivisions being built on the outskirts of town and that she thinks he’s hiding something.”

“Your mom didn’t like Grant at first, either,” she said. “Remember? She thought he wasn't strong enough to care for you and a child. But she was wrong, wasn’t she?”

“I can’t get her voice out of my head.”

“Grace, look at me.”

I lifted my eyes to my best friend as I sniffled.

“You need to calm down.”

“What if Ryan doesn’t want to do this?” I asked.

“Then, as a pregnant woman in Indiana, you have options. But we can’t consider those options until you talk to Ryan. He needs to know. Just like Grant needed to know.”

“What if he leaves?” I asked breathlessly.

“Then it’s his fucking loss. Because Grace, you’re a wonderful mother and a strong woman. If he can’t stand up and stick by that, then he’s a useless douchebag. Either way, the fact remains that you have to tell him. You have to take deep breaths like I told you to do with Harper and you need to make a plan.”

“How is this happening again?” I asked.

“ Look, it’s happened, so trying to figure out how now is pointless. So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to go get Harper up and take her out for a quick breakfast before school. You're going to clean yourself up and go to work. Then, you’re going to come home to a dinner cooked by me, and we’re going to sit down with apple juice in a wine glass and talk this over. All after you’ve had some time to calm the fuck down.”

I leaned onto the shoulder of my best friend and began to cry. It was happening again. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. And while Grant was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me, we had also been dating for over a year before Harper had been conceived. Ryan and me? We’d only been seeing one another for three, maybe four weeks. How could I expect a man to stick around after that short of a timespan? After telling him we didn’t need protection because I was taking the pill?

How could I have been so stupid?

“This isn’t going to be as bad as you think,” Amy said. “Ryan loves Harper, and Harper loves him. It might be really soon, but I can’t see him being the kind of man to leave you high and dry during something like this. Not when he’s taken to your daughter so much, and not with your history. He loved you once, and I wouldn’t surprised if he’s never stopped.”

I nodded my head and sniffled as tears continued to flow down my cheeks.

“Who knows?” she asked. “Maybe he’ll really want to be a father.”

I readied myself for another round of sobs until I heard the small patter of feet down the hallway.

“I’ll intercept her. Start cleaning yourself up,” Amy said.

“Auntie Amy? Where’s Mommy?”

“Mommy’s not feeling well right now. I don’t want you getting sick. I’m here to get you ready and then you and I are going to get some breakfast.”

“Mommy’s sick?” Harper asked.

“She is. I’m going to get you to school then I’m going to take her to the doctor,” Amy said.

“Can I give her a kiss to make it all better?”

My heart soared at my daughter’s words as I ran my hands through my hair.

“No, otherwise you’ll get sick. But I promise, she’ll be here when you get home from school. You guys can cuddle and watch a movie and Auntie Amy will fix her dinner specialty.”

“Mac and cheese?” Harper asked.

“Homemade mac and cheese,” Amy said.

I listened as the two of them went to get ready for their days. I leaned back against the toilet as tears dried on my skin. Amy was right. No matter how I felt about this and no matter how Ryan reacted, he needed to know. And remembering how good he was with Harper and how he had asked about her over the weekend gave me some hope. The next time I saw him, I was going to tell him.

I pulled myself down the hallway and used the guest bathroom to clean myself up. I ran the hottest shower I could stand and stayed in there until the water ran cold. I stepped out and looked at myself in the mirror, my fingers tugging at the bags underneath my eyes. I had tossed and turned all night last night with an unexplainable need to move.

I couldn’t go into work like this.

I’d have to take a personal day and tell Lionel to schedule me for a Friday or Saturday to make it up.

“City Central, this is Lionel speaking. How may I direct your call?”

“Hello, Lionel. It’s Grace.”

“Grace. You’re supposed to be here already. Where are you?” he asked.

“I’m sick. I had to get someone to take Harper into school today and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to come in. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment scheduled for around lunch time, so I could try to come in after—”

“No, no. If you’re sick, you don’t need to be bringing it here. Do you need anything?” he asked.

“Whatever Friday or Saturday you want me to make the day up on, just put it down on the schedule and I’ll find someone to watch Harper. I’m really sorry.”

“No need to apologize. You take care of yourself. Maybe I could stop by later with some soup?”

“I’m actually kind of nauseous. It’s one of the reasons why someone’s taking Harper in to school. I’m not sure if I’m contagious and the last thing I want to deal with is a sick toddler on my hands.”

“What if I brought you something for your nausea?”

“Lionel, it’s really not—”

“I just want to make sure you’re ok.”

I cringed at his words as I gripped my towel tighter around my body.

“Lionel, I don’t think it’s very appropriate for two work colleagues to—”

“It’s not very appropriate for your boyfriend to be making out with you in your office, either. But you seem to do that just fine.”

“Sir, I—”

“Take the sick day, but you’ll be making it up. Get me a doctor’s note if you have to be out more than one day.”

He hung up the phone before I could get a word in edgewise.

I tossed my cell phone on the couch as I flopped down onto the cushions. Not only did I have to inform Ryan that I was pregnant, but I had to find a way to bat off my fucking boss. His advances were getting worse, and every time I turned him down he got angrier and angrier at me. At this point, I figured I’d either be fired for refusing him or fired for reporting him.

It wasn’t fair, and it only made my anxiety worse.

I must’ve fallen asleep on the couch, because my eyes shot open when Amy was shaking my arm. My hair was drying against the cushions of the couch and my towel had fallen open, my body revealed to whoever the hell walked into my home.

“Let’s get you dressed. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment for you across town. Figured you wouldn’t want the entirety of Tell City up your ass while you sat in your regular doctor’s office.”

“Thanks. Yeah. Okay, let me get dressed,” I said.

I dragged myself up to my room and threw on the first set of clothes I could find. I slipped into my flip flops and grabbed my purse, then followed Amy out to her car.

I felt like I was drowning, and I had no idea how to get myself back to the surface.