CHAPTER 24
MELANIE
“Why does the shed scare you so much?”
His question caught me off guard and it caused me to drop the chip in my hand.
“Wh-what?” I asked.
“My shed out back. You’re scared of it. Why?”
Evan was looking straight at me while the kids played behind us. Liam was throwing a ball around, knocking things off shelves and running after it down the hallway, and Hadley was in her playpen probably chewing on something fuzzy. My attention was solely on Evan now that the question had been asked.
“I, uh—why—um—”
I had no idea how to answer him. In fact, I’d been completely blindsided. We had a fabulous dinner last night where we got to know one another a little better, and now he was randomly bringing up the shed?
“Look, Melanie. I know you’re scared of it for some reason, and that’s fine, you don’t have to go out there. I just wanted to know why,” he said.
“I don’t know if I want to tell you,” I said, breathlessly, refusing to meet his eyes.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because it’s—it’s just—personal. Very, very personal.”
“I told you something personal. Things I would never tell anyone else.”
“Well, that was your choice,” I snapped, though I knew he was right and I wasn’t being fair.
“I don’t like letting people in, Melanie. But I enjoyed letting you in. And I know if you let me in the way I could with you, you’d enjoy it, too. Whatever it is you think is going to happen if you tell me, it’s not what you think.”
“Evan, I don’t know if—”
“Let me in, Melanie. Please.”
He reached over and took my hand and, for the first time, I didn’t want his touch. I pulled my hand away and cast my gaze into my lap, feeling panic overtake me for the first time in weeks. I was still afraid that when I told him, he’d look at me with pity and I just couldn’t risk that. Not after how far I’d come with him.
“I just can’t,” I said, whispering.
“Why, Melanie?”
“Because it’s something I still battle with daily. It’s something I always will. And I’m getting better with it. You’re living proof of that, but I’m just still not ready. And I know it’s not fair, but I’m sorry Evan. I just can’t, okay?”
I felt tears cresting the rims of my eyes as I slowly looked up at him. He was studying me.
“Melanie.”
His voice was full of hurt.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“I’ve let you in as far as I can. Farther than any person has ever gotten since I figured out what it meant to be betrayed by people I loved. But I can’t let you in any further unless you reciprocate. It isn’t right. You’re taking care of the kids and practically living with us and, on some level, I know you trust us. I know you know we would never think any differently of you, no matter what has happened. You can’t hide from me if I’m going to be with you. You have to let me in, or this isn’t going to work.”
And there it was. The bargaining with my past to somehow procure a future. It happened every single time. People thought they could use leverage to get into my life. To get me to open up about my past because they somehow thought I needed them. Well, I didn’t need them. I didn’t need Evan and I didn’t need this cabin. I didn’t even need the kids.
If this was the life I thought I was destined to live, then I’d been wrong once again.
“Fine,” I said.
Throwing my napkin down, I started for my room. I whipped open the door and started jamming things into my suitcase, fitting as much as I could before I backtracked down the hallway.
“Melanie, come on. That’s not what I meant.”
“You’ve made yourself very clear,” I said.
“Melanie, put the damn suitcase down.”
“You gave me your terms, and I’m abiding by them,” I said.
He grabbed my arm and whipped me around and I could feel the kids staring at me. Evan was trying so hard not to make a scene. His grip was solid but his eyes were pleading. Begging me to stay.
“I can’t be with someone who puts conditions on how long I have to heal,” I spat.
“Heal from what, Melanie? I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about! I poured my whole ugly past out to you, but you won’t give me the same courtesy. I trust you with these kids every single day, but you don’t trust me at all,” he said, his voice dripping hurt.
“That’s not true,” I told him, “I do trust you. I trust you more than I’ve trusted anyone in a long time.”
“Then let me in dammit!” he said, shaking me slightly.
“I can’t,” I said again.
He cast his eyes down and let go of my arm. When he raised his gaze to me once again, I saw a look of defeat in his eyes and it nearly broke me. “Then I don’t know how to fix this,” he said.
“You can’t,” I told him.
I grabbed my bag and walked out to my car, climbing behind the steering wheel and making it only about twenty feet before I burst into tears.
About forty minutes later I sat in Layla’s living room, sobbing hysterically while she tried her best to comfort me.
“Jesus, Mel,” she said, holding me close her as I cried. “You really like this guy, don’t you?”
I raised my head and looked at her. “I. Love. Him,” I said between sobs.
“Well, shit,” Layla blew out a breath. “Has anyone ever told you you’re an ugly crier?” she asked, trying to break the mood.
It worked, and I started laughing between the tears. “You’re an asshole,” I said to her as I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I’d clearly been spending too much time with little ones.
“So, you really love him, eh?” Layla asked when I’d calmed down a bit.
I nodded my head. “I do. Layla, he’s so good and so gentle, and you should see him with those kids.”
“And how does he feel about you?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I thought maybe he loved me too, but if he’s willing to let me go then maybe—”
“Whoa, whoa,” Layla held up her hand and cut me off. “Listen, sometimes as your best friend, it’s my job to tell you when you are being a shithead. And, right now, you are being a total shithead.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said, knowing deep down that she wasn’t completely wrong.
Layla’s face turned serious, which it rarely did, so I knew she was about to impart some heavy shit. After everything she’d done for me, I owed it to her to listen.
“When you were taken, it was the single scariest time of my life. Of all our lives, really. Our friends, my parents, and your dad especially. We thought we might never see you again and I swear it was the longest two days of my life. When my parents called to tell me you were home safely, I broke down and cried in the middle of an economics test, I was so relieved. And when I heard what you’d been through, what he’d almost done to you before you escaped, part of me felt like I’d been through it too.”
I sat and listened quietly to her. In the past four years, she had never told me any of this, and I was left to realize that I wasn’t the only one who had suffered from that ordeal. I had been so focused on my own trauma that I didn’t stop to think how anyone else in my life had been affected by it. I can’t imagine the fear, anger, and helplessness I would feel if it had happened to Layla instead of me.
“I’m so sorry, Layla, I never knew how it affected you,” I said.
Layla shook her head. “Stop it. I’m not telling you this so that you feel bad. You went through hell and fought your way back from it. But I do have a question for you. How many of our friends at the time knew the full extent of what happened?”
I thought about her question for a moment. “None, except you,” I answered.
“And how many of those people are still in your life?” she asked.
I now understood where she was going with this and it made me feel like shit. “None.”
“You closed yourself off from almost everyone and it cost you a lot of people. Shit Mel, you’ve known Nancy and Kayla as long as you’ve known me. And you haven’t talked to them in four years. When you shut yourself off, you shut everyone out. No one knew how to help you because you never let them.”
“Because no one could help me. I just needed someone to listen, not to try and fix me,” I said.
“But did you tell them that?” Layla asked.
“No,” I said, feeling ashamed. She was right, I had shut everyone out of my life and then turned and blamed them when they went away. And I was doing the same damn thing to Evan.
“Oh my God, I’m such an idiot,” I said, putting my head in my hands.
“No, you’re not an idiot. A little slow maybe, but not an idiot,” Layla said with a smile.
I stuck my tongue out at her and laughed with her.
“You went through something horrible, but you won, Mel. You beat him, literally, if I remember correctly. Don’t let him take anything more from you. You’re finally starting to open up and let yourself feel things you never thought you would again. If this Evan is really worth it, you have to let him in, or you’re going to lose him too.”
“I know, I just have to figure out how to do it.”
“Take your time and do it when you’re ready. But don’t wait too long,” she told me.
Layla and I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up and by the time I left, I felt a lot better about the situation. I just hoped I hadn’t broken something that was too delicate to put back together.