CHAPTER 4
GRACE

 

I can’t put my finger on it.

Ryan was the same man, but he was distracted.

Maybe it was the surreal reality of us running into each other after so many years. As I laid there in bed waiting for Harper to wake up, my mind drifted back to last night. Some things with Ryan felt as if they had never changed.

It was just as easy to talk to him last night as it had been all those years ago. The way I opened up to him about Grant—the way I had wanted to.

It was astounding.

I hadn’t talked that freely about what happened to him in a long time.

And how easy it had been for Ryan to fill me on things with his father. That had always been a touchy subject, especially during our senior year. Ryan’s father had been arrested just before Thanksgiving and it lead to a rough patch in our relationship. He pulled away and was angry as hell. Instead of dealing with his feelings, he distracted himself by getting involved with the wrong crowd.

He was clearly hurting.

He didn’t talk to me for weeks. I knew that he didn’t want to get me involved, but it still hurt that he shut me out.

It was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me what was going on in his head and eventually lead to our break-up.

But last night, he opened up to me as easily as I had him.

I always wanted to make things work with him even after our breakup. I’d loved him, in that first love sort of way. I tried to keep in touch throughout my freshman year, but he was always distancing himself. Keeping in touch became harder and harder. And soon, the phone calls and conversations ceased altogether.

Last night, however, felt like we had never skipped a beat. It was easy to be around him and it was easy to feel happy with him, to be comforted by his presence like I had been in high school. And he still wore a leather jacket well.

 

“Mommy?”

“Mmm, yes Harper?”

“Can we cuddle?”

“Of course we can, sweetheart. Get on up here,” I said.

I heard the pitter patter of my daughter’s feet before she climbed up onto the bed. She giggled as she crawled up to me, then she burrowed beneath the covers. She pressed her body into mine and stuck her cold feet beneath my thigh. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her into me, showering her face and head with kisses.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked.

“Good. How’d you sleep?”

“I slept very well, thank you for asking. What did you and Grandma do last night?”

“She cooked breakfast for dinner!”

“Oh, I am so jealous. Do you know what I had for dinner?”

“What?” she asked.

“Raw fish.”

“Eeww, and you kissed me!”

“And I’m about to do it again!”

I rolled over and covered my daughter’s face in kisses. She giggled and squirmed, then started pressing kisses back. I held her tightly in my arms and rolled us back over, then watched as she straddled my stomach. She was bouncing on me and I was making fake dying noises, causing full-bellied laughter to fall from her lips.

I loved that she had my dimples.

“What are we gonna do today?” Harper asked.

“What do you want to do today?”

“Can we go get lunch?” she asked.

“Let me guess. Pizza.”

“Yeah! Pizza! And we can go shopping!”

“And where are we getting this money, Miss Moneybags?”

“From me.”

I rolled myself out of bed and saw Amy standing in the doorway. She ran and jumped into bed as Harper threw her arms around her. Amy was my best friend. I’d known her since second grade and the two of us had been inseparable ever since. She was my defender on the playground and my attack dog in high school. She was the one that read Ryan the ‘riot act’ before he asked me out on our first date. She was there after my first heart break and my terrible first year at college and was there when I cried over being pregnant. She was there for my wedding and the birth of my little girl.

She was the one who picked me up off the floor when Grant died. She was the one that flew out when I called and couldn’t talk when I was crying so hard. She was the one that took care of Harper so I could have space to plan his funeral and grieve.

She was my lifeline.

My support system.

And she had somehow gotten into my house.

“You really need to teach your daughter not to open the door by herself,” Amy said.

“Harper, why did you open that door without Mommy’s permission?” I asked.

“Auntie Amy said it was her. She said she had a popsicle!”

“And what if it had been a burglar trying to get you to open the door?”

“A burger that sounds like Auntie Amy?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes and groaned as Amy started to laugh.

“We let you lie here and daydream as long as we could, but it’s time to get up and get going. It’s almost eleven o’clock and that pizza isn’t going to order itself,” she said.

“Pizza!” Harper said.

“How long have you been here?” I asked.

“Since nine. Got the booger up and fed her and kept her away from you. I figured you would need it after your hot date last night,” she said.

“What's a date, Mommy?”

“Nothing,” I said.

“Grandma said you were out with a friend,” Harper said.

“And that’s exactly what it was,” I said.

“Then why did Auntie Amy say date?”

“Because Auntie Amy has a big fat mouth,” I said.

“Get up and get going. I wanna hear all about what happened with this mysterious man,” Amy said.

“How do you know about this in the first place?” I asked.

“Your mother called me once you left. Said she didn’t get a good look at the guy, but that he had a thick head of hair.”

“My mom and that thing with hair,” I said. “I’ll never understand it.”

“Can we go to the library, too?” Harper asked.

“Oh, so you want to get pizza, shop, and go get a book?” I asked.

“Pwease?”

“Don’t do the baby please. You’re getting to be a big girl,” I said.

“Come on, Mommy.”

“That sounds more like it,” Amy said with a grin.

“Yes. We can go to the library after food and shopping.”

“Yeah!”

“Now let Mommy have some privacy so she can get dressed,” I said.

“Wanna go play, Auntie Amy?” Harper asked.

“Why don’t you go change into your favorite outfit? By the time you’re done, we’ll be done,” she said.

“Okay. But hurry up,” Harper said.

“Yep. You got it Mom,” Amy said with a smile.

Harper ran off to her room and my best friend turned to me with a grin. I slid from the bed and started off to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.

“Am I going to have to drag this out of you?” she asked.

“Drag what out of me?” I asked.

“This is the first date you’ve been on since Grant. I wanna know how it went.”

“This isn’t the first one.”

“Meeting a guy for coffee you pay for isn’t a date. But him picking you up and you wearing that yellow and white skimpy little sundress is!”

“My mother really did call you, didn’t she?” I asked.

“Spill. Who was the guy?” she asked.

I looked at her in the mirror as a smile crossed my cheeks.

“Ryan,” I said.

“Wait—what?” Amy asked.

“Ryan Park. From high school.”

“Holy shit, he’s back in town? Wait, you went on a date with him?”

“Yeah. He came into the bank yesterday wanting to open up a savings account.”

“So he’s really back in town,” she said. “Did he kiss you?”

I sighed as my eyes fluttered closed.

“Oh, I know that look. Tell me all about it. Where did he kiss you? How long? I know you didn’t sleep with him. I know you’re not that crazy.”

“No, but the connection was still there. The kiss was fiery, and passionate. It started out sweet, with his thumb tracing my cheek like he used to.”

“You’re a sucker for that move,” she said.

“I’m a sucker for that move. But the moment I caved, he caved with me. Grabbed my hair, tilted my head. Pushing me back into the damn railing while grabbing my ass.”

“Holy shit. Did he accost you on your damn porch?”

“Yes. He did. And I loved every second of it.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Feel about what, Mommy?”

We both looked down at Harper as I brushed my teeth. Harper had on her unicorn top with her rainbow tutu and her favorite pair of jelly shoes. She had her tiara in her hair and her purse slung across her shoulder and looked like she was ready go to.

“Well, aren’t you nice and festive,” Amy said.

“Only the best for the best,” Harper said.

I threw my head back and laughed before I spit into the sink.

“What are you feeding this child?” Amy asked.

“Unicorn tarts, apparently,” I said.

“Ready to go?” Harper asked.

“Let Mommy put some clothes on,” I said. “And to answer your question, Amy—I’m not sure.”

I rifled through my closet and found a romper that would be perfect with my daughter’s outfit. It was black and had a sparkling purple belt around it that glittered when the sun hit it. I slipped into my sparkling flip flops to match her shoes and grabbed my purse, then the three of us headed to my car.

First, it was pizza time.

Harper ate three whole slices of pizza and I had no idea where she put it. I could hardly put down two sometimes, but I was also a soda guzzler. We ordered a large pepperoni pizza for the three of us, and Harper still wanted ice cream after we put an end to the greasy round in front of us.

“She must be growing,” Amy said. “You know what I gave her for breakfast?”

“Besides the popsicle?” I asked.

“Yeah. Besides that. A bowl of cereal, a banana, and two slices of peanut butter toast.”

“Yep. She’s growing,” I said.

Amy refused to let me pay for lunch, so I told her the shopping was on me. I wasn’t sure if that was the best idea, but I sucked it up anyway. We went to the strip mall on the other side of town and walked through the stores with Harper holding both of our hands. She loved running through the racks of clothes and playing hide-and-seek.

After our shopping adventure came to a halt, Harper had three new outfits, two new toys, and a craft box Amy had created simply to make my life a living nightmare. Non-toxic watercolor paints, glitter glue in all sorts of colors, markers, crayons with a sharpener, colored paper, and kid-friendly scissors.

My house was never going to be clean again.

“Can we go to the library now? I wanna see Lyle Crotchodile.”

“What did you say?” Amy asked.

“Crocodile, Harper. Crock-oh-dial.”

“Crotch-oh-dial.”

Amy threw her head back and laughed hysterically as I put everything in the trunk.

“I love your daughter,” she said.

“Well I hate you for this craft box. Are you paying for someone to clean my house twice a week?” I asked.

“You’ll be okay. You’ll survive. It’s a mother’s right of passage with this stuff.”

“And what do you know about that?” I asked.

“Nothing, if I’m lucky. Could you see me as a mom? I’d much rather spoil them and send them back then have to teach a toddler not to be a terrible sh—”

“Language,” I said.

“Doo doo face,” Amy said.

“Thanks.”

“My child’s first word would be a cuss word.”

“I have no doubt about that.”

We got into the car and headed to the library as my phone rang. Picking it up from the cup holder, I answered the call, not taking my eyes off the road.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Are you smiling, beautiful?”

I felt my cheeks flush as a smile spread across my face.

“Hey there, Ryan,” I said. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Thinking about you.”

Amy’s jaw was hanging in her lap as she slapped my thigh.

“Put him on speaker,” she said, with a whisper.

“No,” I said.

She yanked the phone from my hand and I tried to fight her for it. The light turned green and I had to pay attention to the road. The call got put on speakerphone and I looked back to see what Harper was doing.

She was fast asleep in her car seat.

“Grace?”

“I’m here. Sorry, I’m driving.”

“Do you want me to call back?” he asked.

“No, no, no. I’m okay. What’s up?”

“I was wondering what you were doing tomorrow? You know, since the bank closes early on Sundays,” he said.

Amy was furiously nodding her head as I stumbled over my words.

“I mean, I um—get off work around four.”

“So, can I pick you up after you get off and take you somewhere?”

“I, uh, I’m, I mean, hold please,” I stammered like an idiot. Ryan chuckled, and I felt a warmth spread through my veins. Amy hit the mute button and I gawked at her as we sat at another red light.

“I’ll watch Harper,” she said.

“Amy, no you don’t have to do that.”

“I haven’t seen you this giggly since Grant. I’ll watch Harper. Go on the damn date,” she said.

Then she unmuted the call before I could protest. I blew out a breath, trying to regain my composure.

“I should be free around five thirty. What did you have in mind?” I asked.

“Dinner. But not at the buffet,” Ryan said.

“Ooh. A ‘not a buffet’ dinner. Sounds fancy,” I said.

“You wear whatever makes you feel beautiful, Grace.”

I melted at my name falling from his lips.

“So, what do you say?” he asked. “Pick you up around six?”

“Sure. That sounds like fun. I’ll see you then,” I said.

The call cut off and Amy squealed in her seat. We pulled into the parking lot of the library as Harper’s head whipped up. She was ready for a nap but her eyes lit up when she saw where we were. I couldn't deny her curious mind wanting to take an adventure in a place full of books and educational videos.

“Lyle Crotchodile!” Harper said.

“I really have to fix that,” I said.

“No. No you don’t,” Amy said with a smile.

“You ready to go inside?” I asked.

“Yeah, Mommy!”

“I have one question though,” Amy said.

“Can it wait?” I asked.

“No. Are you going to introduce you-know-who to—?”

Amy nodded her head back to Harper as she struggled to unbuckle her seatbelt.

“No. Not yet. It’s way too soon. It’s only our second—you know,” I said.

“But you’ve known him for a long time.”

“I knew him back in high school. We haven’t talked in seven or eight years,” I said.

“You said it felt like old times. I was only wondering.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s the same person. This might just be a—fun thing,” I said. “And the last thing Harper needs is a revolving door of men who don’t stick around.”

“Well considering that you never actually do anything, that seems highly unlikely,” Amy said.

“What’s unlikey mean?” Harper piped up from the back seat.

“Nothing,” Amy and I said in unison.

We all got out of the car and I couldn’t stop smiling. We went and found Lyle, Lyle Crocodile for Harper to check out, then we walked over to the children’s book section. Amy read a book to her before Harper tried to read it back, and I picked out a couple of books to take home and read to her over the course of the next week.

I was trying to get Harper into chapter books like Grant used to enjoy.

She needed some part of her father in her life.

“Ready to go?” I asked.

“Do we have to, Mom?”

Harper’s eyes were fluttering closed even as she protested.

“How about this? We’ll lay you on the couch with your favorite blanket and you can watch Lyle, Lyle Crocodile on the television,” I said.

“Will Auntie Amy stay, too?” Harper asked.

“Dinner’s on me?” Amy asked.

“You got lunch,” I said.

“And you got the shopping trip. Dinner’s on me. We can talk over wine while Harper snoozes,” she said.

“I like the sound of that,” I said with a grin.