Sunday, I finally decided to get up and out of my wallowing.

And by decided, I meant that Jo came into my room with a mug of iced coffee that read, I ain’t no baby bitch. She plopped down heavily on my bed, making me bounce, and let me know I was starting to stink.

I gave her a strong side-eye, letting her know I didn’t appreciate her honesty and reached for the mug. I turned on the television in my room and we watched a morning game show as we finished our drinks without talking.

“You smell like a stinky hobo,” she said once the show had ended.

“You’re too sweet, Jo.”

“Just keeping it real.” She turned to look at me with sad, but hard eyes. “You know we don’t need to talk about it. I know enough to hurt with you. But no matter the hurt, you need to get up and bathe yourself. Otherwise, I will be forced to either dump a bucket of water on you, or kick you out. I can’t be having that kind of stank lingering when I bring my future husband over.”

“Wouldn’t want to ruin your prospects. That’s the only reason I’ll shower. Because you need to find a husband before your family kidnaps you and marries you off to their idea of a ‘good man’.”

“Anything but that.” She shifted to face me, her eyes pleading. “Please bathe so I can choose my own husband.”

“Okay, but just for you.”

She fell back on the bed dramatically, arms thrown up in victory. My eyes burned then because it hit me how lucky I was to have her. She didn’t need to have a conversation about what was wrong with me. She let me be a stinky hobo until it was enough, and then called me out in a roundabout way that made me laugh for the first time in a few days.

I patted her hand and then rolled out of bed, grabbing my clothes and heading to the shower. When I was clean again, I walked into the living area, and she didn’t even look up from the magazine she was flipping through when she announced, “We’re going to Sunday brunch.”

“No.”

Page flip. “Yes.”

“Jo.”

Page flip. “Yes.”

“I don’t wa-”

Her head finally lifted and she stared me down, interrupting me firmly. “Yes!”

Narrowing my eyes, I tried to hold strong. She gave me a bored stare, unamused with my weak glare. Finally, I caved and rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

Her lips curled and she wore a victorious smile before returning to her magazine. “It will be good for you. And I’m in the mood for some delicious free food.”

While we waited until it was time to leave, we watched another game show, because we were super productive like that, and she caught me up on Dr. Stahl during the commercials. Apparently, he’d been on a ragey bender and even yelled at a couple of students in the lab for the mistakes they were making. Not even an advanced lab, but the lab for non-chemistry majors. He’d made a big hoopla about having been assigned to teach the class, saying it was beneath him, although every teacher did their rounds teaching it.

Listening to her tell me how one girl left crying and headed to the dean’s office, made me feel a little bit better about skipping Friday. Although I felt bad for leaving Jo to deal with it all.

I headed to my room to finish getting dressed when my phone rang. My heart jumped into my throat, and I hated myself for scrambling to get it, hoping it would be Shane. I was an idiot and a glutton for punishment.

It was my mom. Just seeing her name made me eager to talk to her after such a shit week.

“Hey, Mama.”

“Hey baby. You sound sad,” she said in her soft Southern accent.

Mama knew me better than anyone, which is why it was so easy for her to read me in only two words. I wished she could coddle me like she did when I was younger. I swallowed the lump trying to make its way up my throat and worked to get a half-lie out.

“I’m just tired. It’s been stressful at work and my boss is kind of being a dick, which makes it worse.”

“Well, no one is a dick to my baby girl.”

I snorted at hearing my mom say dick. A Southern belle never said such vulgar words. “Thanks, Mama.”

She laughed with me before getting serious. “Enough with the giggles. What’s going on?”

I wanted to admit everything to her. Fall at her feet and beg her to hold me. But I left claiming how strong and independent I was, and falling apart now would let her know I was failing. And while my mom was the most supportive of my family, she’d latch on to it and use it as reasons to get me back home. So, I settled on a vague truth.

“Just . . .Just some boy troubles.”

“Oh, baby. What happened?

“Nothing.” I didn’t want to have to explain everything, it would only make it worse. I just wanted the comfort from her.

“You want me to tell your father?” she joked. “You just give me that boy’s name.”

Her joke worked, because I imagined my mom marching up to my father and demanding he do something about a boy who made her little girl sad. “No, don’t tell Daddy. He’d tell me if I was in Texas, I wouldn’t have to worry. That no Southern gentleman would break my heart, and then he’ll push for me to come home.”

Her deep breath reached me over the line. “He just wants what’s best for you.”

“And you? Do you think Texas is best for me? Do you think giving up what I love to stand at a man’s side and run charities is best for me?”

I knew she thought being close to her in Texas was best, but hoped she’d maybe softened her stance on it. She had been more understanding than Daddy had been, but still rooted in tradition.

“I knew you needed space, Juliana. You always were so stubborn, demanding to do everything yourself. But you can’t blame me for wanting to keep my baby close. We just want our little girl to be taken care of. Especially if something should ever happen to us.”

It was an argument I’d heard before. My parents were older. They’d had Jack when they were in their late thirties and then I came as a surprise. They’d done all the treatments to get pregnant with Jack and got lucky early on. After him, it took a lot longer for her to get pregnant again. When they’d finally given up, I came along.

I was the little girl they never thought they’d get. I tried to understand, but when I was suffocating under the pressure, it was hard to see it from their perspective.

“I know, Mama,” I said, even if I didn’t.

“I hate that you’re hurting alone.”

Her soft words caused a burn behind my eyelids. I hadn’t had many heartbreaks when I first started dating. Then early on, I’d gone steady with Hudson, but when I had the occasional upset, she’d always been there. I missed her now.

“I’m not alone.” I tried to reassure her and myself. “I have Jolene.”

“Have you told Jack?”

“God no. He’s almost worse than dad when it comes to me dating.”

She laughed remembering all the times Jack would come back from the Army to warn off the guys at school with his presence alone.

“I’m going to brunch in a bit, so I won’t be alone. You don’t need to worry.”

Before we ended the call, she brought up one last thing that made me cringe. “You know, Hudson’s been asking about you more.”

Hudson had been messaging me on and off. A mix between doubtful messages, checking in, and sweet words, talking about memories of good times and how it could be that good again. But I’d been so busy that I hadn’t taken him too seriously or really paid him any attention.

For a moment, at the mention of his name, I missed him. I missed being wanted by someone as much as Hudson seemed to want me.

“Hudson should know better,” I said, trying to deter my mom from hoping for anything between us. I missed him, but it was more of a moment of sadness rather than actually wanting him.

“That boy is just as stubborn as you are.”

“We did butt heads more often than not,” I said, laughing at the memories of us as kids. “But, Mama, Hudson’s not what I want anymore, and no amount of stubbornness will change that.”

“I know, baby.” She sounded resigned, but still my sympathetic mom.

“I’m sorry I’m not coming home. I’m sorry I can’t be the woman you raised me to be.”

“Juliana,” she reprimanded. “You know we always love you. You get your stubbornness from your father. And sooner or later he will come around and express how proud he is of you. He’s a sore loser and you’re his baby. He wanted to do everything he could to keep you close.”

“Including doubting me? Pushing his expectations on me?” My bitterness at his lack of support slipped through my words.

“We both love you. And your father never doubted you. I think that’s what scared him the most, why he fought so hard to make you stay. Because he knew once you left, that you would figure out how successful you could be on your own two feet.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Maybe I’d struggled to see past my determination to prove him wrong. Maybe I’d let my bitterness over how he’d shunned my need to be my own person, that I didn’t remember the supportive man who raised me my whole life. My mother was right. I did get my stubbornness from him.

“I love you, Mama.”

“We love you too.”

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I looked up at a Jolene grabbing her things and getting ready to go.

“Hey, Mama. I have to get going. I’ll tell Jack you said hi.”

“Okay, baby. Call me if you need me. Give Lu a kiss for me.”

“I will. Bye.”

I hung up and stared at the phone, feeling better for having talked to my mom and worse because she always reminded me how much they wanted me home.

And there were times this week when heading home hadn’t sounded so horrible.

On a whim of homesickness, I pulled up Hudson’s name and quickly sent a message before we left. I didn’t think about the implications. I just thought of the best memory I wanted to remember at that moment. One that reminded me of how it felt to not feel so hollow.

Me: Remember that night we took a joy ride around the golf course in the cart, and we stopped to watch the stars just to get caught by the sprinklers? I laughed so hard that night.

Me: Just reminiscing. I miss talking and laughing with my friend.

* * *

Brunch was a struggle. It hurt to laugh and I had to force every smile.

“What’s wrong with you,” Jack asked. Apparently I hadn’t been hiding my pain well enough.

“I’m just tired.”

“Well, that sucks Jules. Try getting more sleep.” Unlike my mom, Jack believed my lie. Although, I had to fight to keep from rolling my eyes at his lame suggestion.

“Thanks for that sage advice. I never thought of getting more sleep,” I deadpanned. “On top of it all, work is a fucking mess.”

“A mess is an understatement,” Jolene muttered.

“What’s going on,” Luella asked.

I broke down what had happened at the lab and everything with Dr. Stahl.

“What a dick,” Evie said, mirroring my mom’s words.

“I can’t believe he’d try and pin something like that on you.” Luella said around a clenched jaw. “I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of it, Jules.”

“Thanks guys.”

“Maybe I can have Shane look into it.” Jack said

I cringed just hearing his name.

“I mean, obviously there’s some criminal activity. I’m sure he knows someone.”

“Yeah.” I choked the word out. Jack didn’t seem to notice or care, but when I looked up, I met Evie’s shrewd gaze. Swallowing hard, I looked away. I didn’t need anyone digging deeper than what I’d told them.

I sat through the rest of lunch waiting for someone to say his name again. Thankfully, I didn’t have to hear it again and hide my reaction, but Evie’s gaze never wavered from scrutinizing me. After I helped clean up and grabbed my purse, I waited for her to approach me and ask what was going on, but it never came.

When I fell in to my seat in Jo’s car, she looked at me and said my two favorite words. “Alcohol store.”

Which brought us to strolling through the aisles, trying to decide between a pinot grigio or a chardonnay, or to just say fuck it and throw back vodka-cranberries until our heads pounded from the alcohol and sugar rush. Each option had its own merits.

We were discussing whether Chinese or Mexican went best with wine and vodka when our cart bumped into another, the bottles clanking against the metal like a car accident. Jo looked like she was about to rip into the person when suddenly, her eyes widened and she smiled.

“Oh, hey, Dr. Voet.”

I jerked my head from Jo to Dr. Voet, who stood tall, holding only one bottle of wine as opposed to our seven in the cart. Obviously, some of us were thirstier than others.

“Hey, Dr. Voet.”

“Hello, ladies. And please, call me Calvin,” he said as he looked over the contents we were pushing around. “You having a party?”

“Nope. Just your typical weekly shopping trip,” Jo joked. Thankfully he laughed and didn’t assume we were a pair of raging alcoholics. “We’re just having a girls’ night, soothing our woes of Dr. Stahl.”

“Jo.” I tried to reprimand her under my breath and remind her this was the head of our department.

However, Dr. Voet—I mean Calvin—laughed and gave a knowing shrug, before turning to me and looking me over.

“I hope you’re feeling better, Juliana.”

“Yes, thank you.”

Jo, the traitorous friend she was, abandoned ship. “Hey, I’m just going to go check out that other wine that we were talking about. The one with the alcohol.”

I watched her walk away, holding off finally meeting the dean’s eyes. When I caved and peeked up at him beneath my lashes, he had a soft, knowing smile.

“She’s not very subtle.”

I laughed. “That she is not.”

“I can’t blame her, I’m not very subtle when I want something either.” His eyes looked over my face, as though caressing my skin. “You look much more rested. Still just as beautiful.”

I swallowed hard and ducked my head to hide the blush staining my cheeks. “Thank you.”

Licking my lips nervously, I searched for something else to say, but the only thing I could focus on was the way my heart seemed to be trying to pound out of my chest. I struggled to decipher the emotions coursing through me. Was I excited? Was I nervous? I think I was mostly scared because it was a final step toward letting Shane go.

“I know we work together, Juliana, but I’m not directly your boss, and there’s no rules against dating. We’re both adults, and I was wondering if I could take you on a date next weekend.”

“Ummm . . .” I think I knew the question was coming, but I still stuttered over a response, unprepared. I opened my mouth, hoping the right answer would tumble out, when he stopped me.

“Just think about it. Let me know tomorrow.”

He squeezed my shoulder and let his hand slide down my arm. I nodded like a bobble head and watched him walk to the check out.

As though she was watching the whole thing around the corner, Jo popped out and hopped from one foot to the other.

“What the hell happened? Tell me everything.”

I laughed at her excitement. “He asked me on a date.”

“He what?” She whisper-screamed and I had to shush her, looking over my shoulder to see who had heard.

“I can’t, Jo. I’m not really ready and we work together. And what if it didn’t work? Then it would be awkward.”

Her eyebrow raised a little higher with each excuse that tumbled from my lips. “Jules. You better accept that damn date. He is hot, and I expect you to do it for me. I need to live vicariously through you, because that man is delicious.”

“Ugh.”

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me.” She pointed her finger at me. “You will. You at least have to try.”

“Jo.”

“Do. It. Dooo it,” she said.

“Fine. Damn. I’ll let him know tomorrow.”

“Hell, no. He’s just now checking out. Go. Tell him now.”

“Jol-”

“Now!” She turned my shoulders and shoved me away.

I hurried my steps as I saw him grab his bag and head toward the door.

“Dr. Voet,” I called out.

He turned and smiled at my approach. “Calvin, please.”

“Calvin.” I had to admit I liked the way his name sounded on my lips. “I actually don’t need until tomorrow. I’d love to go on a date with you.”

His smile lit up his face, and I had to admit it was nice to see someone so excited to sit across a table and just talk to me. Get to know me, and want me for more than just sex.

“Fantastic. Next Friday. I’ll make a reservation and pick you up at six.”

“Six.” Walking backwards, I nodded and smiled a genuine smile. Nerves ran a riot through my body. Maybe I was making a mistake accepting a date so soon. But I also felt a little lighter trying to take a step in a better direction toward getting over Shane.