Praise Jesus I didn’t have to go into the station on Monday. I couldn’t have handled seeing him. I wasn’t able to handle seeing anyone.

I’d laid around all day Saturday and avoided all the missed calls and messages on Sunday asking where I was when I hadn’t shown for the Sunday brunch I’d promised I’d be at. I couldn’t go.

I was too scared that Shane would be there. Fear that he wouldn’t be there. My mind had already imagined showing up and him announcing his love for me for everyone to hear. But I shut it down faster than it formed. And I knew that no matter if he was there or not, I wouldn’t have been able to hide my sadness.

God, I’d thought our relationship was going somewhere. Maybe I had been naive and the stupid little girl Shane had accused me of being. Either way, I hadn’t been ready to face the masses.

However, Monday didn’t care how I felt, I had a job to go to.

When I stepped off the elevator, I saw Dr. Voet unlocking his office. My shoes on the tile floor drew his attention and he looked back, smiling when he saw it was me.

“Hey, Juliana. How are you?”

“Morning, Dr. Voet. I’m okay. How are you?”

His blue eyes scanned my face and he smiled. “Better than you it seems.” He held his door open for me. “Why don’t you come in for a coffee? It’s early still.”

“Thank you, but I only drink iced coffee with an unhealthy amount of cream and sugar.”

He laughed at my answer. “It’s a good thing I have a fancy machine that makes iced coffee. And that I also have an unhealthy amount of cream and sugar. And chocolate.”

“How can I turn that down?” I asked with a tired laugh.

I followed him into his secretary’s office and then his own. I’d been in his office many times, but usually only for business meetings and such. This time felt a little different. More social.

He smiled more, kept looking back at me as the coffee brewed and he prepared the mugs. One said, I use this mug periodically, with a periodic table of elements. Then he handed me one that had a cartoon drawing of Neil DeGrasse Tyson that said, Ya’ll mothafuckas need science.

I laughed and admitted to my own collection of mugs.

“Interesting for someone who doesn’t drink hot coffee.”

Immediately, my mind thought of Shane and how he’d said the same thing. Apparently, my face showed the pain that washed over me at the memory of us at Findlay’s Market, because Dr. Voet stepped closer than normal and bent his knees to look into my downturned face.

“Hey, you okay?”

I had to swallow past the lump in my throat that his soft words caused. My heart was too sensitive, my emotions too close to the surface to handle such tenderness.

“Yeah.” I somehow managed to choke the word out and tried to force a smile, only briefly letting my eyes connect with his before looking away.

I watched his hand lift toward my face as though in slow motion and my heart beat erratically in my chest. His fingers pushed my hair back, grazing my temple in the process and I couldn’t help but stare at him with wide eyes. I knew it was inappropriate for work, for colleagues, for a boss and an employee, but not caring because I needed a tender touch just then.

“You sure?” he asked, moving his hand back from my face, the connection broken.

I tried to laugh, trying to lighten the tension that stretched taught between us. “Yeah. Just tired. I’m sure I look like hell for the amount of sleep I’ve gotten this weekend.”

“Well, I think you always look beautiful.”

I ducked, hiding the blush staining my cheeks. “Thank you.”

I wanted his words to make me feel better. To know that a man still found me beautiful even if Shane didn’t want me. But really, they just hurt. They hurt because they hadn’t come from the man I wanted to hear them from.

That morning had ended up being the best part of the day since the rest declined rapidly when Dr. Stahl arrived in a mood that made his day-to-day rudeness seem pleasant. He blew past Jo and me sitting at our benches with a glare and no words. When the door slammed behind him to his office, both of us jumped at the loud bang that resonated around the room. I thought the glass beakers along the wall were going to come crashing to the ground.

Unfortunately, Jo left me alone soon after, giving me a sad smile. “I promise to be back soon. Hopefully, the Wicked Dick of the West stays in his office until his next class.”

“Have fun teaching the kiddos in lab. Say a prayer and rush back to me soon.”

She walked out the door with three fingers held high, a la Hunger Games.

I’d gotten through maybe half my procedure for the day when I heard the door to Dr. Stahl’s office creak open.

“Juliana.” His harsh voice cracked against my ears. “Go teach my class.”

“But, I—”

“I didn’t ask for your shit excuses. Just go do it.”

My eyes wide behind my goggles, hand frozen on my pipette, I jumped when he slammed the door again. I didn’t know how long I sat there trying to process the fact that my boss had just yelled at me. He was horrible, but not quite to the point of shouting and swearing at us.

Heat rushed from my neck and over my face. How dare he yell at me? I wanted to go in there and let him know he could shove his attitude up his ass, but when I glanced at the clock, I saw I only had five minutes before the lecture started. Taking a deep breath, I decided to be the bigger person and push it down.

I turned off all the machines and searched for the book for the semester, not even knowing what chapter they were working on. I’d have to check once I made it to the room and give the text a brief glance and hope for the best.

I’d stumbled through the lecture, knowing I sounded monotonous. Hell, half the class looked as if they were fighting sleep.

But whatever. Fuck it. I let them go early and prepared myself to get yelled at by Dr. Stahl when I showed up back to the lab thirty minutes early. But, when I walked in, his door was open and the room was empty. I breathed a sigh of relief for having dodged at least one bullet for the week.

* * *

Tuesday had me in the lab at the station. I’d remained glued to that room, not daring to walk out the door unless absolutely necessary. I packed my lunch and water bottle and pawned off running any errands to someone else. When I had a bathroom emergency, I mostly kept my head down and darted down the hall. Just as I was about to reach the restroom, I heard him and my eyes flicked up to see him talking to his partner. I panicked and walked into the first door on my left needing to get out of sight and found myself in a broom closet, where I proceeded to take deep breaths, and tried to control the tears burning the backs of my eyes. After probably too long, I snuck out and made a quick escape to the bathroom and then ran back to the lab.

* * *

Wednesday was a repeat of Monday with Dr. Voet. Instead of inviting me in his office for coffee, he’d stopped by Starbucks and brought me a hot chocolate, explaining that he wanted to cheer me up this week. When he’d complimented me again, it hurt less than Monday. Hopefully that meant Shane’s hold on me was diminishing, but the words still didn’t hit the spot.

Jolene walked around the corner just when his hand rested on my shoulder and slipped down my arm. She’d cocked an eyebrow in a What the fuck is going on? kind of way, and I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know. It didn’t stop her from giving me the third degree as soon as we walked into the lab.

“What the hell was that about?”

“I have no idea,” I said, before taking a sip of my hot chocolate.

“Juliana.”

“I swear. I honestly don’t know what it’s all about. He’s just been . . .Really nice this week?” I finished the sentence on a question, unsure of how to explain it. “We ran into each other on Monday and he invited me into his office for coffee. I kind of assumed he wanted to talk about how the forensic stuff was going, but we just talked. Then he asked if I was okay. He also complimented me. And maybe he brushed my hair back.” I shrugged.

“Maybe?” Jo asked incredulously.

“Maybe.” I avoided her eyes and leaned over my bag to pull out my notebook.

“Well, he’s hot as hell, so you can’t be too sad about it.”

“I’m not sad about it. Just confused. On top of everything else this week.”

“Well, if you don’t want him, you send him my way. He may be a professor, but I’ll be sure to teach him a thing or two.” She bobbed her eyebrows and made me laugh for the first time all week.

It was quickly squashed when Dr. Stahl came out of his office, slamming the door behind him. My eyes widened as he stomped closer to my bench. When he neared my workstation, he thrust a stack of papers toward me, shoving them into my line of sight.

“What the hell is this, Juliana?” His bushy eyebrows lowered over his dark eyes. His nose flared over a pinched frown.

“Uhh.” I stuttered over my answer, trying to regroup before eventually looking at the form. “It looks like the shipping form for this week’s deliveries.”

“And whose signature is that?” His finger stabbed at the bottom of the paper.

“Mine. I was the only one in the lab when the products were delivered on Monday.”

“And what is this?” He flipped a new page to the front.

I looked it over, getting frustrated with the twenty questions. “The sign-in sheet for the storage room.”

“The sheet we’re supposed to fill out when we take the deliveries to the storage room, so we know who is accountable for what.”

“Yeah,” I answered confused. I didn’t know why he was recapping such basic instructions.

“Then where the hell is your signature? And why are there a slew of chemicals missing from the storage area that were delivered on Monday? Where is the disconnect here?”

“What?” My heart pounded in my chest as he threw questions at me. It felt like an accusation, but my mind was stumbling to keep up with what he was saying. “But I signed everything in.”

“Did you? I had to suffer the embarrassment of a lab manager coming to me and reprimanding me about procedures of signing materials in and out.” He dragged out lab manager, like the words were disgusting on his tongue. “Do you know how embarrassing that was? Especially with the dean of the department standing right there to witness it all.”

“I . . . I—"

Those are expensive chemicals, Ms. MacCabe. What were you doing with them?”

My cheeks burned with panic. Was he accusing me of stealing? Why would I do that? What the hell was happening? He needed to believe me. “I signed them in.” I tried to make my voice stronger, but it came out high and reedy.

“Come with me, Ms. MacCabe. We will go to the dean with this issue of theft.”

He stormed out, his white lab coat fanning behind him. I looked to Jo and her eyes were just as wide with confusion as mine.

“Jo, I didn’t . . .” I swallowed past the lump in my throat trying to push back the burn in my eyes. I needed to walk into that office calmly and not be all emotional.

“I know. Just go talk to Dr. Voet, and it will get sorted out.”

I fumbled out of my chair and rushed down the hall to Dr. Voet.

“Dr. Stahl, obviously there was a mistake and as I said before, we will look into the situation.” Dr. Voet’s calm voice reached outside the office and when I walked through the door, it was to Dr. Stahl looming over the dean’s desk and Dr. Voet leaning back in his chair, relaxed and unconcerned.

“What do you mean look into it?” He shook the papers between them. “The proof is right here. What more do you need?”

“We need to consider everything. More than just one missing signature.”

“Let me look into it. It’s my lab and my incompetent research associate. I’ll deal with her.”

“The department can deal with the issue. But thank you for offering.”

Dr. Voet met my eyes when I walked in and gave me a small, almost undetectable nod. It eased only the slightest pinch in my chest, but the vice was still there squeezing the breath from my lungs. Dr. Stahl turned to see me walk in and scowled. As I got closer, I could see sweat beading at his temples he was so worked up.

“It’s because she’s a woman, isn’t it? Women shouldn’t be in the science lab. Men are too soft on them.”

“Enough, Professor.” Dr. Voet’s voice rang with authority.

Dr. Stahl’s jaw clenched and he turned, scowling at me as he walked past, muttering “Women shouldn’t be in the science lab. Men are too soft on them.”

Once he cleared the door, Dr. Voet seemed to let out a breath he’d been holding and ran a hand over his hair, pulling his thick-rimmed glasses off.

“I’m sorry about this, Juliana.”

“I don’t know what happened. I signed for the delivery into the lab and took them straight to storage where I signed them in. I don’t—”

He was shaking his head before I even finished. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”

I took a deep, shaky breath and nodded my head.

“You can head home for the rest of the day. Not as a punishment,” he rushed to finish when he saw my eyes widen in fear of being reprimanded and banished from the lab.

“I, um . . .I have a procedure I’m in the middle of. I can’t leave it.”

“Sure, sure. I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable with Dr. Stahl today.”

I chuckled softly. “When are we not uncomfortable around him?”

“True.” He laughed at my joke and before we said goodbye, he told me to come to him with any issues and promised to keep me informed on whatever they found.

It didn’t really settle anything and the stress of the day caused me to mess up my procedure twice. Rather than waste anymore materials, I caved and left the lab an hour early. Jo gave me a sad smile and told me we’d order pizza when she got home.

* * *

Thursday was another day to add to the shit-show I called my life. I’d woken up late and had to rush to the station, forgetting my lunch. I tried to hold strong and just go without lunch, but my stomach grumbled on repeat for a solid hour and the technicians were looking at me like an alien was about to pop out of my stomach. Then my hands got too shaky to pipette and that was the final straw. I needed to at least grab a bag of chips. It was late anyway.

No one is going to be there. He won’t be there. It will be fine.

I said it on repeat when I walked the halls, looking left and right like I was escaping prison.

I arrived to a cafeteria that was much busier than I expected, but hoped the crowd would hide me. I was standing in line, two away from ordering my sandwich at the little kiosk, when I saw him. He stood by the door talking to his partner, his profile so beautiful and hitting me right in the chest. As though he could feel my stare, his head turned and his eyes met mine. He was too far away for me to read his expression, but his eyes lingered on me longer than a glimpse.

My heart kicked up in my chest and the world got quiet, my blood pumping in my ears the only sound around me.

Did he miss me?

Did he want to run across the room and pull me into a kiss?

Did he want to proclaim his love right then and there?

Then his partner slapped him on his shoulder and drew his attention away, the moment broken. All my foolish imaginations crumbled and I resigned myself to the fact he was probably staring at my boobs the whole time. My heart fell to my feet and being a glutton for punishment, I stared a little longer.

I missed him.

And it hurt.

“Hell of a man, amiright?” My attention jerked to the petite blonde standing next to me, also staring at Shane with a small smile that said she would strip for him if he’d asked. She leaned in closer to me. “Between us women, he fucks like a freight train, too.”

She nudged me with her elbow and smiled before stepping up to the counter to order. Frozen, I stood there watching this woman order her sandwich. Wondering what she shared with Shane. Wondering how many others there were. Wondering why I thought I was different.

I was no longer hungry. My stomach pitched, and I swallowed hard, looking over to where Shane was, the spot now empty. I stumbled out of the cafeteria, back to the lab on auto pilot, barely functioning through the motions, screwing up more procedures again.

God, I was such a mess.

Deciding not to waste the department’s materials, I filled out paperwork and oversaw other’s work until it was time to go.

My body felt both hollow and heavy. I wanted to cry and do nothing. All of it tugging at my insides.

I felt some relief at making it through the day, at least until I drove home and Betsy broke down half-way there. I managed to get her off to the side of the road where I screamed and sobbed and beat my steering wheel. So mad at my damn car for betraying me too this week. I let it all out, steaming up the windows with the amount of heat my anger produced.

Once I’d finished, I dug my phone out of my purse and called the insurance company, knowing what to do after Shane had helped me last time. The driver came and towed my car to a shop. He was even nice to offer me a ride home and didn’t ask any questions about why my eyes were so red.

He let me stare out the window and only gave me a nod when I muttered my thanks. Probably realizing what a lost cause I was.

* * *

Friday, I used a sick day to wallow on the couch, eat ice cream and take-out, and feel sorry for myself. I didn’t shower. I didn’t brush my teeth. And I ignored all messages on my phone.

* * *

Saturday, I repeated it all over again.