The first gift arrived on Tuesday. It was a small gift bag that the department secretary placed on my desk. When I asked who it was from, she shrugged and said a student delivered it. I removed the tissue paper and pulled out a . . .

Lunchable? A pizza lunchable.

“Who the hell gift wraps a pizza lunchable?” Jolene asked. “That’s a shitty gift.”

I looked in the bag to see if there was more and saw a piece of paper stuck to the bottom that said ‘read me.’ Of course, curiosity had me unfolding it, because Jo was right, who the hell sent a lunchable as a gift.

Juliana,

A pizza lunchable because it already comes apart and I know how much you enjoy your pizza in pieces. I miss sitting across from you at Sunday brunch, and watching you eat the toppings, then the cheese, and finally the crust. You never noticed me watching, but I always was. I can’t remember a time when my eyes weren’t drawn to you.

I miss you,

Shane

P.S. My favorite pizza toppings are meat. All of them. I figured I’d share since I know you like green peppers, onions, mushrooms, and sausage. I also know you only like mushrooms on pizza. No other way.

I wanted to roll my eyes and be unaffected, but it was too soon, and I was too close to crying. I was about to toss it, but Jo said she’d eat it. I’d stared at the cheap yellow plastic with crappy pizza crust and sauce behind it, and felt possessive over it. It was mine.

But I made sure not to enjoy it.

* * *

Wednesday, I got a flat box, wrapped in simple blue paper. When the secretary passed it to me, I carefully held it like I would a bomb. Jolene rolled over and bounced in her seat to see what the next gift would be.

Swallowing hard, I began tearing through the paper, revealing a white clothing box. Opening that, I saw a shirt peeking out of tissue paper.

Let’s cuddle and talk about science.

I didn’t want to laugh at how perfect it was. I didn’t want to feel my eyes burning for a third day in a row. I wanted to be indifferent.

Setting the shirt aside, I saw another piece of paper at the bottom of the box. Carefully, I unfolded it and began reading.

Juliana,

I love the shirts you wear. Every time I saw you, I looked forward to what they would say because they always made me laugh. I miss seeing the way they fit you perfectly, outlining the perfect curve of your breasts. Because, yes, I miss all of you. Every part.

Forgive me,

Shane

P.S. I collect CPD shirts. Mainly because they’re free, but also because I love the station and the shirts are always soft.

My heart raced and my lungs struggled to keep up. Losing the battle, I wiped a lone tear off my cheek and placed the shirt back in the box. Jo was kind enough to not point it out and we got back to work.

I realized what he was doing. Showing me how much he knew me, and I couldn’t deny enjoying the attention, but it hurt so much because I’d made my decision. Why hadn’t all this effort come before? Why did I have to be crushed for him to decide he cared?

My nerves tingled with both excitement and dread over what the next day would hold.

* * *

Thursday, a Christmas Cookie-scented Yankee Candle was sitting in a bag, with a lighter that said, “Baby you light up my world.” Another note was stuck to the bottom and my hand trembled a little when I opened it.

Juliana,

I know you love citrus and vanilla candles. Really any baked good-scented candle. But I know that Christmas Cookie is your favorite. It’s also ridiculously hard to find in the spring. My days are a lot darker without your smile.

I miss you,

Shane

P.S. My favorite scent is vanilla on your skin.

I laid the note on my bench and brought the candle to my nose to smell, and I smiled.

* * *

I waited all day Friday. Every time the door opened my head shot up and my heart beat in double-time. But every person that walked through the door came with empty hands. No gift showed up that day and as the minutes ticked by, I learned how much they were breaking down my walls to be so disappointed with the mere possibility he’d officially given up on me.

My insides were a juxtaposition of hope for more and determination to stay strong against giving in. I was scared as to which would win out.

Dr. Voet had caught me on my way out, and with a hopeful but hesitant expression, asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner. I think he knew the answer before I even gave him a regretful smile. He’d been understanding and said he’d still love my company in the mornings for non-coffee. Jolene walked up beside us and invited herself to that party saying she’d bring the creamer next Monday.

* * *

I hadn’t expected anything over the weekend, assuming Shane had given up after not hearing from me. So, when I opened the door to a courier asking me to sign for a package, I couldn’t stop the excited smile that stretched my cheeks. I tore open the padded manila envelope and greeting cards slipped out.

Juliana,

Five blank cards for you to keep for whatever it is that you collect them for. I love it about you. I love that you have a drawer dedicated to cards that make you happy. I thought of you with every one I looked at, trying to imagine the sound of your sweet laugh as though you were there with me.

I love you,

Shane

P.S. I’m sorry I missed yesterday. Work was rough and long. I missed not having you to hold me and run your fingers through my hair when the day is hard. Even when I was scared of my feelings for you, I couldn’t stay away no matter how much I tried. Every night I’d come to you for comfort and you never turned me away. I was unworthy of it, but I’m selfish and miss it all the same.

I began reading through each card, laughing at them all. Wishing I had been there with him to go through the cards and listen to his deep rumble when he laughed too.

“I wanted to send you something sexy, but the postman told me to get out of the box.”

“You must have a p-value of at least 0.05 because I fail to reject you.”

“I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you.”

“Roses are red, but sometimes their thorny. When you’re not with me, I get sorta . . . Corny.”

“I just want you to be happy (and naked) but mostly happy.”

Tears mixed with my laughter and for the first time, I really wanted to pick up my phone and call or text him. But I didn’t know how. Where did it leave us? Did he still think of me as Jack’s little sister, in need of protection? As someone who wasn’t an equal?

I ran my fingers over his I love you, and the walls I’d erected against him cracked a little more. Maybe he did know me. Maybe he did love me.

I just didn’t know what to do with it yet.

* * *

Sunday, I opened my door to a mug that read “Well Shit”, with hot chocolate stuffed inside. A note fell out from between the two packets when I pulled them out.

Juliana,

I love your love for mugs. Even when you don’t drink hot coffee. I figured maybe some hot chocolate would make them feel more useful.

I still miss you,

Shane

P.S. I collect pictures of Cincinnati, because you were right, I do love the city.

* * *

Monday, a small velvet box showed up at work and I cracked it open slowly. A silver bangle bracelet shined against deep blue velvet. I pulled it out and read the inscription. She believed she could, so she did.

Juliana,

You are stronger than most men. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. Even me.

I believe in you,

Shane

Biting my lip, I slipped the cool metal on my wrist, already feeling stronger with the words.

* * *

Nothing came on Tuesday and I began to give up on Wednesday when a knock on the door came. A courier with another package.

I pulled out a CD with a handwritten title “All the things I didn’t say.” Jo put it in for me. With “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Ingrid Michaelson playing in the background, I unfolded the note.

Juliana,

I love you. I’m so sorry I was stupid and didn’t say it when you needed to hear it. You’re right, I was scared. I know I told you a little about my time in the foster system, and it wasn’t a horror story, but it wasn’t anything great either.

I’d moved around so much and I never got to know anyone enough to love them, or have them love me. There was actually one family I’d stayed with for two years when I was twelve. After being bounced around for two years, I’d thought that was it. I loved the mom and dad and two brothers. For the first time since I’d lost my mom, I truly felt like I was home.

But the dad got a job overseas and I was put back into the system. After that, I’d hardened myself, never getting close to any family. As soon as I turned eighteen, I focused on me and my future, throwing myself into work. I know it’s no excuse, but for over twenty years, my heart remained frozen there. Until you. You broke through.

I miss everything about you,

Shane

Jo held me as I cried for him. For how alone he must have felt. For how much shit he was dealt in life. I wanted him there so I could sit on his lap and hold him to me. I wanted so much, but I didn’t know how to go about it.

I opened my messages and typed out no less then twenty-two before I ended up just sending “Hi.” I sat, staring at the glowing screen hoping the three dots would pop up saying he was responding back, but nothing came. Eventually, sleep claimed me and I woke up gripping my phone to my chest.

When I pushed the home button, I saw his reply. “Hi.” So simple, but a start. It was something. I stared at my phone until it was time to leave for work, still trying to come up with another message, but it never came. So, I closed my phone and went to work instead.

No gift came that day, and as much as I wanted to write it off to maybe another busy day at work, doubts began eating at me.

Before, when I shut him out, I was cold. Now? Now I was running over every detail that led me to that point. With every good memory, a bad one bled into it. My insecurities ate at me late into the night whispering in my head how I wasn’t worth it.

* * *

“What are you waiting for?” Jo asked on Thursday after seeing how depressed I got when another day went without a package. She asked the same question that had rattled through my brain for days.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. Swallowing, I turned to look at her. “Maybe I’m not worth it.”

“Hush. Of course, you are. You’re amazing. Just call him.”

“It’s so easy, isn’t it? And yet, every time I pick up the phone, I freeze with doubt.”

“Jules.”

“I’m an idiot. And the longer I let this go on, the worse it gets and yet I can’t do anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She didn’t say anything, just let me try to process my thoughts.

“I mean, what if I call him and we’re together and he loves me and I love him, and it doesn’t work out? What happens then? Do I just become another person who abandons him? Who hurts him? I pushed so hard and what if I ruin it?”

“You never know until you try.”

“Thanks, Yoda.”

“I never took you for a little baby-bitch.”

“I’m not.”

“Then stop acting like one.”