I breathe in the smell of the hot coffee in my hands. It’s the best damn smell this early in the morning. That, or the smell of Mason’s pillow. I don’t know what it is about the way he smells that drives me crazy. Each morning I pull his pillow out from under him and take it as his alarm goes off.

I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face remembering this morning how he flipped me over and “punished” me for it. This feels like more and it seems too fast, but for the first time in a long damn time, I’m happy. Genuinely happy.

“Stop smiling like that,” Maddie says across the table as she blows on her latte. She lifts the white cup to her lips and eyes me before taking a sip. The smile doesn’t fade; her comment only makes it grow larger. “You’re making me jealous.”

“That is the power of sex,” Sue says as she takes a seat, a Styrofoam cup in her hand so I imagine she’ll be leaving shortly. She sets her bag on the floor and slips onto the stool easily. “It’s about time you girls caught on and started getting some.” A coy smile lifts the corners of her lips up as she adds, “Well, except Kat since she’s married.”

Maddie laughs into her cup and Kat gives Sue a cold look for a moment and then shrugs. “He’s good at what he does,” Kat says, but we all know there have been some complaints recently in the bedroom.

Whenever Kat looks at me, it takes me down from this high. She represents what I once had and what I should really be striving for. She has a loving husband, a stable and growing career, and shit, she’s my boss really. Children are definitely in her future.

I set my cup down on the table and try to stop being… jealous. Is it jealousy? How can it be when I am enjoying getting lost in Mason’s touch?

I’m being reckless. That’s what it really comes down to. For the first time in my life, I don’t have a set plan, and I’m being fucking stupid.

“Is it weird?” Maddie asks me as she crumples Kat’s straw wrapper on the table. She has both hands on it, balling up the small white paper into a perfect sphere. “Like since you were only with Jace?” she adds, and then peers up at me, gauging my reaction.

The mention of his name… fuck. It still affects me. I think it always will.

“Yeah, kinda. At first.” I take a sip of coffee and hate that there’s a comparison at all. “I feel like it’s cheating on him,” I croak out, my chest feeling tight.

“Um no, that’s what he did to you,” Sue says with a firm voice that grabs my attention. She rests a hand on my forearm. “Moving on is not cheating.” She purses her lips with her eyes on me as if she doesn’t know whether or not she should say what’s on her mind.

“Say it.” My voice is strong. I just want to get it out there, like pulling off a Band-Aid. Even if it hurts, I need to hear it.

“I worry about you and Mason. It doesn’t have a damn thing to do with Jace.” She waves her hand through the air as she shakes her head once and then continues. “You know I never liked him much, especially after hurting you.” Cheating. After cheating on me. That’s what she means. We’d only ever been with each other. His explanation was that he was curious, and it was a mistake. And so I forgave him. We moved past that together. Sue never did but it wasn’t her marriage, and it wasn’t her decision.

“Why are you worried?” I ask her, running my nails along the edge of the cup and removing the thoughts of that infidelity from my mind. “It’s nothing serious.” I bite the inside of my cheek; even to me that sounded like a fucking lie.

“That right there,” Sue leans back and points her finger at me. “I worry that you don’t know what casual dating is or a fuckbuddy, or whatever this is for Mason.”

I struggle with the confession, but I have to be honest with them. They may have their opinions and stick their noses where they don’t belong, but they always have my best interests at heart. I clear my throat and spit it out. “He said he could give me more.”

“What?” Maddie pipes up, scooting her stool closer to the table. Her pink cardigan is pulled down tight across her dress as she leans forward and asks, “What did he mean by ‘more’?”

“Yeah, what the fuck did he mean by 'more'?” Sue asks, skepticism obvious. Even Kat’s looked up from her phone to listen.

“I don’t know. I just...” I pause and look back at Sue. “I was worried too and I told him that I didn’t know if I could handle it because I would probably want more, and he said he could give me that.” I think back to that night, just two nights ago and I’m fairly certain that’s exactly what happened. It makes me feel secure, that I can be open about how I’m feeling and that he’s receptive to it. It makes me feel… cherished in a way. Respected at least.

Maddie lets out a small sigh of satisfaction, like a young girl in puppy love; she’s obviously the only one happy about what I’ve said. Sue taps her nails rhythmically on the table and Kat hasn’t moved, still watching me like a hawk watches its prey in the sky. Circling, waiting to strike.

Jesus, and these are my friends. I steady myself and take a sip of coffee.

“I just don’t understand why?” Kat says, setting her phone down and turning her attention to me. “Why him?”

Mason is nothing like the man I should be with. But that man is gone, and I’m not interested in replacing him.

“It’s just for fun,” I answer her. Lies. God, it’s such a lie!

“But it’s not. You just said it’s not. So I don’t get it.” For once in my life, I wish Kat wouldn’t call me out on my bullshit. I wish they’d all just turn a blind eye to the obvious downfall I’m headed toward. Just like I’m doing.

I take another drink of coffee, feeling defensive and like I’m not sure that I really want to even have this conversation.

“You’re not going to settle down with him,” Kat says and waits for me to look at her before continuing, “right?”

“I’m not settling down or replacing-” Jace’s name gets caught in my throat.

“I feel like you may be setting yourself up for a major breakup.” Kat holds my gaze and I fucking hate that she says it, because I feel the same. But it’s so good right now. And I just want to live in this moment, because this moment feels so damn right. Well it did before my friends chimed in.

“Maybe he’s a rebound,” Sue says with a shrug and then looks up at the menu on the other side of the room. The whiteboard travels from wall to wall and the text is fairly large, but she’s not reading it. All four of us have that menu memorized.

“Yeah,” I agree with her, holding up my cup of coffee and looking back at Kat for what her response will be to that.

“I’m just worried,” Kat says softly and picks her phone back up, but she doesn’t look at it. She bites down on her lip as she asks, “Can we meet him?”

“For fuck's sake, Kat,” Sue says from across the table, practically glaring at her. “You don’t introduce a rebound to your friends.”

“Is that a rule?” Kat bites back.

“It’s weird!” Sue’s brow is comically raised as she stares back at Kat like she can’t be serious.

“I’d like to meet him,” Maddie says with a sweet innocent tone that doesn’t match the other two.

“I think no,” I answer all three of them at once. “It’s just sex, but there’s a level of respect and understanding.” I nod my head once. “That’s what the more is.”

I take in a deep breath, feeling like I’ve fixed my nonexistent problem. That’s exactly what this is. It’s just a mutually beneficial arrangement with respect... and sex, of course.

Both Kat and Sue are silent, each nodding and probably unhappy with the decision, each for their own reason, but I don’t care.

“I have a meeting with my CPA,” I tell them as I glance down at my phone. I was going to walk there, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to make it now. “I gotta go,” I huff out as I reach down to grab my Marc Jacobs tote off the floor.

“Hey,” Kat says, giving me her full attention. “Are you happy?” she asks me with all seriousness.

I stand up, slinging the purse over my shoulder and pushing the stool back. Licking my lips, I nod my head.

“Yeah,” I tell her and that smile comes back. “I’m happy.”

I expect some kind of guilt or feeling of inevitable doom, but all the girls smile and Maddie squeals with delight. My chest feels empty, as if I’m lying to myself and afraid that someone will expose my lie. But I am happy. This is what happiness feels like, isn’t it?

“That’s what matters,” Kat says with finality.

“Damn right,” Sue adds her two cents, grabbing her purse to join me.

“Wanna share a cab?” she asks, the conversation of Mason and whatever the hell I’m doing with him long gone. At least for now.