I stare out of the window of Mason’s car as the city lights flicker on, even though it’s not even dark yet. Classical music is playing as usual, and my body is still humming from the rush of pleasure he gave me moments ago.

But nothing is okay.

I need to end this. What’s the saying? Get over one man by getting under another? I’m not interested for two reasons.

1. I’m not over what Jace did to me.
2. I’m not ready for another man.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself all damn day. Ever since I left Mr. Walker’s office. I don’t have time for playing, and I’m not ready for anything serious. And that’s what this has become, it’s staring me right in the eyes.

This is serious. It’s too serious. I feel like I’m fucking suffocating and what’s worse is that the minute I’m with Mason, the very fucking second that he looks at me just right, says just the right things, the moment his lips press against mine and his skin touches mine, I’m done for.

I’m fucking head over heels for Mason. I didn’t even hesitate to think if I should bend over my dining room table for him. I didn’t hesitate in the garage either. He’s had me from the very night we met.

There’s something about him that makes me weak, and I’m tired of being weak.

I can’t do this. I need to end it. But the very thought fucking hurts.

“I-” I start to give him the honest truth, my whole truth. Pressing my back against the seat and looking at him. I can’t do this anymore. The words are right fucking there, dancing on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know what’s real and where I stand with anything and I just need space to figure it all out, but my phone goes off in my purse, the ringtone loud and obnoxious.

I let out a frustrated sigh, pulling it out and just missing a call from my mother. I almost call her back, but then I see the text messages. Dozens of them.

I hit the first one from Kat.

The last message makes me sick to my stomach. It’s going to be okay.

What’s going to be okay? What now? I scroll up, starting from the top.

OMG I just saw, are you okay?

Minutes later:

I can’t believe he did that to you!

Everything is alright, we’re going to get it taken down.

I don’t have to ask her what she’s talking about. Maddie sent me a link to the online article. It’s already been taken down, but she saved a screenshot.

My heart drops as I read it, but my eyes keep flickering to the picture. It’s of me and Jace and right next to it, Jace and some beautiful woman. Scratch that. Some blonde bitch. It’s obvious what the article was about, and it makes me fucking sick. My throat goes dry and tears prick my eyes.

Really? They fucking posted this shit now? I think back to who I told and who would have heard about the apartment. It’s up for sale as of 4 p.m. today so that’s a whole five hours it's been on the market. Motherfucking fuckers.

“Jules?” Mason’s voice doesn’t stop me from reading. It’s not the worst thing that’s been said about me, but it’s not kind and it’s not true either. I wasn’t turning a blind eye.

My anger only increases when I see what they’re saying about me now. I’m not running around town. I’m not spreading my legs… I can’t even finish this stupid fucking article. They’re claiming Mason’s doing the same. And that I’m turning a blind eye to that, too.

Every fucking insecurity in me is replaced by raw rage.

I’m not this person that they’re painting me out to be. I can’t fucking stand this! I’m on the edge of breaking into a million fucking pieces.

Is that a stage of grief? Wanting to fucking murder everyone?

I just want to be alone!

I bite the inside of my cheek and whip the phone away from my face as Mason’s hand lands on my thigh.

“What’s wrong?” he asks me, his eyes darting from me to the road.

“Take me home,” I tell him as I lick my dry lips. My heart hurts so fucking bad. I’m breathing heavily as I wipe my sweaty hands on my dress.

“What’s wrong?” he asks again, and this time his voice is harder, the one he uses right before he turns me into a damn ragdoll and then magically fixes everything, but I don’t give a fuck.

I’m done listening to men, and I’m done giving a fuck.

“What’s wrong is that this isn’t working for me anymore” I say in an even tone that splits my heart right down the center and immediately feel guilty. It’s like slicing through it with a damn knife, the cut clean and quick, but the blood is pouring out so slowly and painfully. And I know it’s not going to stop anytime soon.

I lean my head back against the headrest. “I just want to go home.”

Mason’s quiet, looking pissed off as he turns on his blinker.

The silence stretches between us, feeling awkward and horrific. What’s really and truly fucked up is that I feel safe and happy with him. I feel like, if it were a different time, I could easily fall for him. I am easily falling for him. It’s as if I’m falling down a well, but ever so slowly, time crawls and I’m able to look up, to admire the stonework, to casually look down into the black bottom of the abyss where I’ll crash and die happily.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I tell him.

Mason glares at me and asks, “Because of a fucking article?” He grips the wheel until his knuckles are white. “I’ll take care of it,” and he starts to say something else. I’m sure it would put me at ease and fix all of my problems. He’s so fucking good at that.

But I need to fix myself. I need to be whole before I can give myself so completely to someone.

“It’s not the article,” I tell him as my eyes burn.

“Is it your prick of a husband?” he asks with disgust so apparent I hate him in this moment. I confided in him about my departed husband and yes, he may have hurt me, cheated on me and lied to me, but that’s not for Mason to judge. I still don’t even know how to feel about it all.

“That’s exactly why this shit needs to stop.” My heart rages in my chest, hating me for spilling my guts, but I can’t stop.

Mason looks as if I’ve slapped him. As if I’ve truly hurt him, but I can’t stop.

“I’m not okay,” I tell him feeling the burn in my eyes being dampened from the tears, but I don’t care, let them fall. Let everyone see. “I haven’t been okay, and I’ve been running from it. You can’t come along and fix me. I can’t just fall into another man’s arms and forget about everything I’m going through.”

I almost throw my phone out the window, the absurdity of my entire world crashing down around me feeling too overwhelming. I’m too hot, too angry, too miserable.

That’s what it is. I’m fucking miserable, but aren’t I supposed to be?

“Hey, stop,” Mason says as he slows down at a crosswalk. “Just take it easy.” His entire demeanor changes to something placating, as if he’s talking to a wounded animal. It only makes me angrier.

“No. No, I won’t stop. What do you want from me, Mason?” I ask him. And part of me is hoping he really is my knight in shining armor. Part of me wants to be weak. I want him to solve all my problems and just crawl into his bed every night, moving on to a new life and leaving the old one in shattered pieces behind me.

I know it’s wrong, it’s giving in and denying my responsibilities. But God I want it. My heart is suffocating, hoping for him to say just the right things to convince me to be his. Just like he has from the first night I met him. “What is it that you want from me?” I ask and my voice shakes.

“Jules,” he says my name and looks at me with a gaze I don’t understand and then he looks at me as if I’m broken.

“Just tell me right now, where is this going?” I try to swallow the spikes growing in my throat, but they don’t move. They only grow larger, harder, and sharper and make the words scrape and hurt as they leave me. “I can’t give myself to you right now unless…”

“Unless what?” Mason asks me, and it hurts so much because I don’t have an answer.

I can’t give myself to him unless this is forever, unless I can trust him.

But right now I can’t trust anyone. The harsh reality is what truly does me in. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t want to love anyone anymore.

I can’t breathe as I take off my seat belt. My townhome is only a block away. I can see the iron gate. My hands shake as the seat belt pulls back, hissing and hating me just as much as I hate myself. My shelter. My sanctuary, and my grave.

“I can’t,” I breathe the words, feeling so fucking shitty. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

I unlock the door and push it open. A car’s close but I close the door quickly, avoiding Mason’s reach for me. His fingers brush against my back as I get out, just barely out of his reach.

“Jules!” Mason calls after me. I cross the lane, the car beeping and the driver holding down his horn.

I hear Mason get out of his car, leaving it parked in the middle of the road and already holding up traffic. “Jules!” he screams, but I keep running.

I push past the people and ignore the dirty looks and stares. My shoulders rise with a heavy breath. I just need to go home. Tears stream down my face. I need to take care of myself and figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life.

Tires screech and make my head throb as Mason drives alongside me.

I ignore him yelling at me as I whip open the iron gate. I don’t stop until I’m safe inside my house, my back to the hard door, my body shaking and my heart hammering.

I hate myself for running from Mason.

But this is reckless. It was a distraction that turned into a fantasy of a reality.

I cover my mouth as another sob leaves me, slowly falling to my ass as I slide down the door.

He’s a good man, and he deserves someone better than me.

Someone who doesn’t have all these problems.

Someone who can fall for him freely and openly.

I sag against the door, curling my body and letting it all out, still hoping he’ll come bang on the door and plead with me to explain. I can’t be this person though.

It’s the way we both knew it would end. I envisioned it would be him leaving me though, not the other way around. I take in a deep breath, feeling exactly how I should, like shit. Not that any of it matters.

It was never meant to be. And that’s all there is to it.