Chapter 14

Derek

 

From the slack-jawed, wide-eyed looks I got from the other guests, they’d seen Vanessa leave the kitchen and knew something was wrong. Question was, where did she go? I didn’t see her or Sara anywhere.

I did find Beth, though. “Hey, do you know where Vanessa went?”

“I think she and Sara went into the ladies room.” She pointed down the hall. “What’s going on? She seems so upset.”

“Just some family drama. I need to go talk to her. Thanks.” I hurried past her and down the hall. At the ladies room door, I hesitated, then knocked.

The door opened a crack, and when Sara saw me, she opened it farther and stepped out into the hall to join me. It didn’t shut quite fast enough to mask the sound of my daughter sobbing on the other side, and my heart fucking hurt.

Baby, I am so sorry.

“She’s really upset,” Sara said. “She had no idea.”

“No kidding,” I snapped. “We were trying to keep it that way until after this weekend.”

She scowled.

“Next time I tell you to keep something between us? Keep it between us.” I didn’t give her a chance to respond, stepped past her, and pushed the door open. At the sinks with her fiancé, Vanessa was facing away from me, leaning against the counter. In the mirror, there were muddy smears of makeup below her eyes as she cried. I schooled the anger out of my expression, took a deep breath, and approached. “Vanessa?”

She didn’t turn, but she sniffed and started wiping her eyes. Corbin shot me a dirty look as he ran his hand up and down her back. He didn’t have to say a word—his contempt was palpable.

“Can I have a minute with her?” I asked in a soft voice.

His jaw tightened. He turned to Vanessa. “Babe?”

Without looking at either of us, she nodded.

“Okay.” He put an arm around her shoulders, kissed her cheek, and whispered, “I’ll be right outside.”

Another nod.

He let her go, shot me a murderous glare, and left.

As the door shut quietly behind Corbin, I inched closer to Vanessa, forcing back how much it hurt to see her like this. Especially knowing it was because of me. “Hey, kiddo.”

She turned around and looked at me with red eyes, then covered her mouth as she felt apart again.

“God, I am so sorry.” I crossed the small bathroom and pulled her into my arms, and I just held her for a moment while she cried on my shoulder. Vanessa was usually tough to a fault—giving the impression she had it together even when she was about to lose it. It was part of why her mom and I had sent her to a therapist in her teens. Not only to adjust to having a stepfather, but so she could learn to express and vent her emotions before she hit her breaking point. She was better about it these days, but she would just never be the kind of person who cried at the drop of a hat. Too much like her mom, I guessed. And even, I thought sadly, her stepdad. Rhys and Vanessa had gently teased me over the years for tearing up during sad movies while they’d effortlessly stayed dry-eyed.

So whenever she did let go and get emotional, it was hard to see because I knew it meant something had well and truly hurt her. And I’d known she’d be devastated by our split. Having that news crash down on her in the middle of all the wedding stress? We’d pushed her beyond her breaking point. Here it was, the night before her wedding, and she was shaking and sobbing in my arms, and it was my fault. Rhys’s too, but… I should have told her long before tonight.

After a while, she pulled back, wiped her eyes, and leaned against the counter. Hugging herself, she met my gaze. “What happened?”

I released my breath and rolled my shoulders. A part of me that would die angry at Rhys wanted me to tell her the truth, but I couldn’t do that to her. Honestly, I couldn’t even do it to Rhys. Maybe he’d ruined what we had, but I wouldn’t touch the bond he had with Vanessa.

“Things have been rough for a while. We just…” My voice wavered. Why did telling Vanessa make me feel as brittle and raw as the morning I’d heard Rhys’s confession? “We tried to make it work. I guess we just reached a point where we realized we’ll be happier apart than together.”

She was shaking her head before I’d even finished. “That doesn’t make any sense. You can’t just work it out? I mean, don’t you still love each other?”

Fuck. She might as well have just hit me in the chest. There was no simple answer to that question. Did I still love the man I’d been married to up until the day he’d come home and said he’d cheated? Yes. God, yes. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for that man.

But that man was gone. He hadn’t existed at all. One night, one confession, and the man living in my house was a stranger to me now. A walking, talking reminder of someone I’d thought was real. Someone I felt stupid for trusting and whom I hated for betraying that trust.

“Dad?”

I exhaled. “It’s complicated, I guess. All I know right now is we’re not happy being together. So, we’re moving on.”

“Are you guys at least going to stay friends?”

Another punch to the chest. “We’ll see how things play out after we actually separate.”

“You…haven’t separated?”

“Not yet. We’re still figuring out finances and…” Living together so no one lets it slip to our daughter before her wedding. I cleared my throat. “It doesn’t all happen overnight. Once that part’s done, we’ll catch our breath and see how the rest shakes out.”

She stared at me in disbelief, her eyes closer to dry now, but muddy streaks still marking where tears had slid down her face. “And you’ve known all this time. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “We knew you were going to be dealing with finals, the holidays, and planning the wedding. We just… we didn’t want to pile more on you.” I scowled, cutting my eyes toward the door. “This wasn’t exactly how we thought things would go. In fact we were trying to avoid it.”

Vanessa pursed her lips. “It’s out now.”

“It is. I’m sorry.” I studied her. “Are you going to be okay?”

She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. With a shaky hand, she tucked a blonde curl behind her ear. “I think so. I’m just… It came out of nowhere, you know?” Her blue eyes started to well up again. “I always thought you and Rhys were happy.”

“I know.” I always thought we were too. “Neither of us is going anywhere, though. We’re both still here for you, and we want you to enjoy your day.”

Vanessa dropped her gaze and nodded. “I will. And I’m sure you guys know what you’re doing. It was just a shock.”

I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say. No, we didn’t know what we were doing. Yeah, it was a shock. I couldn’t explain to her how and why it had been a shock to me too, and why it still didn’t seem real sometimes. But unless I wanted to tell her—now, the night before her wedding—the real reason Rhys and I were splitting up, I couldn’t let it show how badly this was tearing me apart. How lost and betrayed I felt. How I couldn’t begin to decide if it hurt more to see Rhys walk into a room or watch him walk out of it.

So I settled on comforting her without words. Silently, I drew her into another hug, and she wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned against me as I rested my chin on top of her head. For the longest time, we just stood there in silence.

I wondered if she felt Rhys’s absence as acutely as I did. Something about this moment felt like those years when it had just been her and me, and at the same time, it didn’t. As if Rhys had left an indelible mark on both of us. During the years before he’d come along, I’d dated a little, but had been more or less content just doing my job and raising my daughter. She had me and her mother, even if we didn’t live together. It didn’t seem like anyone was missing.

And then Rhys had been there, and from that point on, it had been impossible to imagine that there’d ever been two of us instead of three.

He was probably still in this building right now. For all I knew, he was just outside the ladies’ room door.

But more than he had since the moment he’d told me the truth, Rhys felt like he was on the other side of the world. Like he was, in every way imaginable, gone, and nothing would ever be the same.

Why did you have to go?

 

***

 

I stayed with Vanessa for another twenty minutes or so. We mostly talked about where things would go from here with me and Rhys, but I managed to steer the conversation to the wedding. By the time we left the ladies room, she was smiling again, though she still had some tears in her eyes.

Corbin was waiting outside as he’d promised, and he gathered her into a hug. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

He looked at me over her shoulder. Some of the venom had left his expression, but he was still obviously not happy with me. Couldn’t say I blamed him.

While he stayed with Vanessa, I returned to the banquet hall where tonight’s rehearsal dinner had been and tomorrow’s reception would be. Some people had left, but most were milling around with obvious questions in their eyes. Two steps into the room, I had everyone’s attention.

I kept my head down even as I searched for Rhys and Sara. He was nowhere in sight. She was having a quiet conversation with Beth near the kitchen. I didn’t really want to talk toeither of them, but I needed to, so I headed her way.

My sister stopped me, though. “Hey. Is it true? You and Rhys are splitting up?”

I had a feeling I was going to be answering that question a lot this weekend. Well, I deserved it. With a sigh, I nodded. “Yeah. It’s true.”

“Oh my God. I had no idea.” She touched my shoulder. “How are you doing?”

“I’ve been better, to be honest. I’ll be okay, though. I just wish Vanessa hadn’t found out like this.”

“I believe it.” She straightened, a hint of panic in her expression. “Oh, you and Rhys are staying together at the house!”

I barely kept myself from groaning. “Yeah, we are.”

“Uh, do you want… Would it be easier…?” Her eyebrows rose.

It was so tempting to suggest tossing him out and making him find a hotel for the night, but things were fraught enough between him and me. The name of the game now was damage control and keeping the tension from getting worse.

“Let him keep the guest room. I can sleep on the couch or something.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. His back and couches…” I shook my head. “It’ll be fine.”

“Okay. I’ll text one of the kids and have them put out some sheets and a blanket for you.”

“Perfect. Thanks.” I paused. “Is there, um, any chance I could ride back with you, too?”

“Of course.” Her brow furrowed. “How bad are things? Everything seemed fine when you got to the house.”

I grimaced. “We’ve been trying really hard to look like it’s all fine because we didn’t want anything getting out quite yet. But yeah, things are, um… They’re not great.”

“Jesus. I would never have guessed.”

“That was the idea.” I glanced around. “Have you seen him, by any chance?”

She pursed her lips. “I think he was helping Corbin’s dad take out some trash, but I haven’t seen him for a little while.”

“Thanks. I’ll see if I can find him.”

As I walked away to track Rhys down, I paused to steal a look at Sara. She’d been drinking pretty heavily earlier, but as she spoke with Beth, it was clear she’d sobered up. She’d actually seemed pretty sober by the time I’d walked into the kitchen after she’d confronted Rhys. Now she was even steadier on her feet, though she winced at the light, as if she were already getting hung over.

Normally, we got along well, but I was feeling less than charitable toward her tonight, and I decided the visibly unpleasant headache served her right.

Which…made me think that maybe now wasn’t the time to talk to her or Rhys. I could catch her tomorrow before the wedding. I could wait to talk to him until we were back at my sister’s house. At least then if things blew up, Vanessa wouldn’t hear any of it. She’d been through enough for tonight.

So instead of my daughter’s mother or my ex-husband, I went looking to see if I could help with any cleanup from tonight or prep for tomorrow.

The uncomfortable conversations could wait.

 

***

 

It was almost ten when Amy and I made it to the house. Rhys’s truck was parked on the curb, so I didn’t have to ask if he’d already come back. Great. I supposed it was too much to ask for him to be in the shower when I slipped into the guest room to collect my things? Probably, yeah. And my shaving kit was in the bathroom. Damn it.

On the other hand, we still needed to talk before tomorrow. Whether we liked it or not, our “pretend we can stand each other” act was about to be more crucial than ever. The truth was out that we were divorcing, but we had to put on a united front for the wedding. We had to.

So, after I’d said good night to my sister, I dragged myself down the hall to the guest room. I gave it a light knock so I didn’t startle him, then stepped into the room.

Rhys was reclining on the bed with his phone propped against his thigh. As I closed the door, he sat up. “Um. Hey.”

“Hey.” I swallowed. “Amy is going to let me crash on the couch. So we, uh, can have a little space.”

“Okay. Good.” He put his phone aside. “What about Vanessa? How is she?”

I winced. “She’s not happy, but I think she’ll be okay. I hope she will.”

“Yeah, I hope so too.”

We exchanged glances. I wondered if mine was as unreadable to him as his was to me.

I broke eye contact and cleared my throat. “Anyway. I should just get my stuff and go downstairs. We probably both need to sleep.”

“Yeah.” He paused. “And, um, I’m sorry it came out this way. Sara caught me off guard, and I didn’t think Vanessa would come in, and…” He exhaled, shoulders drooping. “I didn’t mean for it to come out this way.”

“I know. I don’t think anybody did. Not much we can do about it now.” The words came out with a bit more venom than I’d intended, and it only took a glance to confirm that he’d caught it.

His features tightened. “We should have just told her from the start and not tried to—”

“Or you could have kept your dick in your pants,” I snapped. “Then we wouldn’t have to deal any of this.”

Rhys blinked. He stared at me with a mix of surprise and hurt, but that quickly dissolved into anger. “You really want to fight that fight tonight, don’t you?”

“Why the fuck not? I’ve been biting my tongue all—”

“You know what?” he ground out. “You can blame me for what’s happening to our marriage. I won’t deny that’s my fault. But what happened tonight?” He stabbed a finger at me. “That’s on you. You wanted to hide this from Vanessa, and you vented all my sins to your ex, so tonight? You get to own that. Not me.”

It was my turn for a blink of surprise, but Rhys wasn’t done.

“What did you think was going to happen, huh?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Vanessa isn’t stupid. Did you really think we could fly under her radar? And what if we did? Were you going to wait until she came back from her honeymoon, then drop it on her? What’s the—”

“What difference does it make now?” I snarled. “She knows. She’s pissed. We might’ve just ruined her fucking wedding. You happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy. Do you actually think I’d be happy about something like this? I don’t want to be right if it means wrecking our daughter’s wedding. I’ve—” His voice hitched, then suddenly softened. “I’ve wrecked enough for one lifetime, thanks.”

“Yeah,” I said through my teeth. “Maybe it’ll make you think twice in the future.”

Rhys flinched, but he didn’t get defensive this time. He avoided my gaze, and he said nothing. Maybe there was nothing left to say.

If there was, it could wait until some other time. Tonight, I needed to at least try to get some sleep so I wasn’t a zombie at the wedding.

So much for unfucking everything—or anything—before tomorrow.

I gathered my shaving kit and suitcase, and without speaking to Rhys, I left the guest room for the living room.

There was a downstairs bathroom, thank God, so I used that to get ready for bed. One of Amy’s kids had made up the couch, and I sighed with relief as I settled onto the cushions and pulled up the covers. Time to sleep. Recharge as much as I could before tomorrow.

The house was still now. In a weird way, it reminded me of the calm after a firefight. After the bullets had stopped flying, wounds had stopped bleeding, and damage had been assessed. When everything was just…quiet.

It wasn’t peace. Maybe the immediate conflict and danger had passed, but the war wasn’t over. Sometimes during my combat tours, I’d wondered if those periods were worse than the actual fighting. At least when we were taking enemy fire, we could react. We could determine where it was coming from, how to get out of its way, how to neutralize it.

When this quiet fell, there was no telling when or how it would be broken.

Of course this bullshit with Rhys wasn’t the same dangerous, traumatic insanity that had gone on during my combat tours, but there was definitely some déjà vu in the quiet between the storms. We weren’t done fighting. That much I knew. It was just a matter of what would set us off and when.

I closed my eyes and exhaled.

Nothing to do now except wait for the next firefight or the orders to go home. Whichever came first.

 

***

 

The next morning, I dressed, borrowed one of my sister’s cars, and headed over to Sara’s house, where Vanessa was staying before the wedding. I’d texted Sara to let her know, and she met me at the door with a sheepish look.

“Hey,” she said as she let me in.

“Hey. How’s Vanessa?”

“Oh, she’s still upset. I think she’ll be okay today, but…”

I nodded as I shrugged off my jacket. “She’s a tough kid. This is one of those times I just wish she didn’t have to be.”

“Yeah, I agree.” She cleared her throat. “Listen, um. While we have a minute, I wanted to say I’m sorry. About blindsiding Rhys last night. It really wasn’t my place, and I knew that. I just…” Sighing, she shook her head. “Seeing you hurting like that, I guess I lost it.”

I chewed my lip. I desperately wanted to be pissed at her for it, but she’d always been protective of people she loved. Asking her to put on a happy face and pretend she didn’t know what was going on between Rhys and me would be like asking me to pretend I didn’t know some horrible truth about my new son-in-law.

Also, whether I was pissed or not, I had to coexist with Sara today as much as I did Rhys. If nothing else, for our daughter’s sake, I didn’t want this blowing up. I still needed to contain the fire with Rhys.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Everyone’s stressed. Shit happens.”

“It does. But I shouldn’t have put Rhys in that position. Especially since you asked me not to. So, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I touched her arm and managed a slight smile. “I mean it.”

She studied me uncertainly. Then she broke eye contact and gestured down the hall. “Vanessa just got up a little while ago. I’ll go get her for you.”

“Thanks.”

Sara disappeared down the hall. A moment later, Vanessa emerged, dressed in jeans and a button-up blouse.

“Hey.” I smiled. “I just came by to see how you’re doing.”

She shrugged tightly. “I’m okay, I guess. I just can’t get over everything with you and Rhys.”

My smile fell. “Yeah, it must have been a shock.” Sure as hell was for me. “But you know we’re all still here for you, right? And we’re all thrilled to be watching you get married today.”

She chewed her lip. “Is it weird that I’m scared Rhys won’t be around after this?”

“Of course he will be.”

Her eyebrows rose.

I took her hand. “You don’t even remember Mom and me being together, but we’ve both been there for you from day one. Right?”

She nodded. “But you’re my parents. Rhys is…” Her brow pinched.

“He loves you, kiddo. That hasn’t changed.” I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “This thing, it’s between Rhys and me. It has nothing to do with you. If you still want him to be part of your life after this, that’s up to the two of you.”

She studied me. “So, if I want to stay in touch with him…you won’t be upset?”

“Of course not.”

“Oh thank God.”

“Did you really think I’d tell you to cut things off with him?”

“I…” Vanessa shook her head. “I have no idea. I’m just glad you’re not.”

“Never in a million years.”

“Good. I need to talk to him, though. Before today gets going.” She tapped a nail on her phone’s screen. “Do you know if he’s awake? I don’t want to text him and wake him up.”

“I’m not sure, but he’ll probably be on his way to the church in a little while. I can let him know you want to talk to him.”

“You…don’t mind?” Her brow pinched. “It looked like things were heated between you guys last night.”

I forced myself not to visibly react to the reminder of how volatile I’d left things with Rhys. “They were. Which is why I need to talk to him myself.” I gave her another gentle squeeze. “I promise, things will be better today. We’ll talk some things through, and then I’ll have him come talk to you. We’ll all be fine, okay?”

She nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” She checked her phone and took a deep breath. “I guess Mom and I should get going.”

“All right. I’ll catch up.”

She smiled, though it still looked a little sad. “I’ll see you there.” We shared a quick hug, and I started to go but hesitated.

“Vanessa?”

She met my eyes, eyebrows up.

I swallowed. “I mean it—I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before this weekend. I should have…” I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

A small, sad smile appeared on her lips, and she came back over and hugged me again, tighter this time. “It’s okay. It just caught me by surprise.”

“I know.” I squeezed my eyes shut and stroked her hair. “And like I said, I’ll tell him as soon as I see him that you’re looking for him.”

“Thanks.”

We let each other go and exchanged smiles. Then we joined Sara outside and headed for the church.

As I followed Sara’s car, my stomach was in knots at the prospect of talking to Rhys. It was something we needed to do, but I definitely wasn’t looking forward to it.

My conversation with Vanessa replayed through my head. I wasn’t sure why I was choked up at the thought of them staying in contact after the divorce. It wasn’t jealousy. I didn’t want her to cut him off. In fact, I was relieved she still wanted him in her life. They’d been close for a long time, and continuing that relationship would be good for both of them.

Rhys’s transition from softball coach to Dad’s boyfriend to stepdad hadn’t been entirely smooth. Vanessa was twelve when Rhys came into the picture, fourteen when he’d become her stepfather, and he and I had both known there would be bumps. There had been, and we’d all taken them as they came.

What we hadn’t expected was… Well, shit. Almost everything.

Rhys hadn’t elbowed his way in and taken over some role that had previously been mine or Sara’s. My role and Sara’s hadn’t changed when he’d entered the picture. His relationship with Vanessa, their stepfather-stepdaughter dynamic, had been their own from the start, complete with head-butting, pushback, and plenty of frustration from both sides. There was no reason for that to change now, and despite my bitterness toward Rhys, I genuinely hoped it didn’t. I wanted them to stay close. No one ever had or ever would be what Rhys had been for her. I prayed like hell he still wanted that too, but that praying seemed kind of pointless. I could say a lot about Rhys. That he’d disappear from Vanessa’s life just because we were done? Not a chance.

Way back then, when it had become clear that Rhys was going to be a fixture in both our lives, Vanessa had asked what she could call him. I hadn’t had any preference. Rhys hadn’t either. We’d both been more than a little blown away when she’d settled on “Dad.” She still called him by his first name when she needed to differentiate between him and me, but the rest of the time, he was Dad.

And no matter how much my heart ached at the thought of him, I knew he would always be Dad to her, just like I would be.

Talking to him this morning wouldn’t be easy. But if it was to let him know his daughter needed to see him so he could reassure her that she could still call him Dad?

Hell yeah, I’d talk to him.