Chapter 17

Rhys

 

I barely felt the bitter cold. An Oregon February was less brutal than a Chicago one, and my tux fended off the wind while the burn of my drink made me forget how chilly my face and fingers were. Mostly I was numb, so I didn’t feel much of anything. Just…empty. I’d thought everything in my world had come crashing down five months ago, but apparently there was more collapsing and crumbling left to do. Couldn’t wait to see how the next few weeks went.

I took a deep swallow from my glass. Not that it helped.

I’d come out here for some air because not only was my soon-to-be ex-husband in there, but the venue had started getting hot and stuffy. The staff had propped open the door and cracked some windows to let in some air, but it hadn’t been enough, and the biting February cold actually felt pretty good.

Thanks to the open door and windows, noise and music from inside spilled out here. There was some pop song playing right now. Probably a newer band, since I didn’t recognize them. Just another sign that I was getting old, Vanessa would helpfully point out if I ever mentioned it.

I chuckled halfheartedly as I brought my drink to my lips. Vanessa, Derek, and I all shared a love of what her mother called “pop drivel,” but admittedly, even being around teenagers all day didn’t keep me up to speed on the latest bands. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was getting old.

My humor lasted about as long as the thin cloud of breath hung in the air. The vapor dissipated, as did my quiet laughter, and I stared out into the night.

It hadn’t been a bad day. Quite the opposite. Despite everything last night, Vanessa had still enjoyed her wedding, which was the most important thing. There’d been a few moments here and there when I could tell she was thinking about the divorce, but she’d still seemed happy during the ceremony and throughout the reception. Under the circumstances, that was about the best I could ask for, and I hoped she forgave us for last night, not to mention everything that was still coming. At least she wasn’t living with us anymore. I couldn’t imagine having her there in the middle of the crossfire or the arduous process of dividing up everything we owned. She didn’t need to go through—

Sharp footsteps came out onto the patio. Probably someone looking for a smoke.

I glanced over my shoulder.

And froze.

No, it wasn’t someone coming out for a smoke. Not unless Derek had picked up the habit again over the last twenty-four hours.

He didn’t seem at all surprised to see me. In fact, he was looking right at me. And walking right toward me.

I gulped. There was something on his mind. The creases in his forehead and the intensity in his eyes told me that much, but right now I couldn’t read him to save my life. Did he want to talk? Fight? Let me know they’d be cutting the cake? No idea.

I couldn’t hold eye contact with him anymore, though, so I shifted my gaze away and stared out at the darkness again. The hair on my neck prickled as he came closer. The cold didn’t register at all anymore over Derek’s unavoidable presence.

“Rhys?” His voice was softer than I’d expected. And…tentative? Was he nervous?

I turned to him again, and it wasn’t the smile that surprised me. It was the outstretched hand, palm up. Not an offer of a handshake—an unspoken invitation for a dance.

So many questions. So many. Why this? Why now? If I took him up on it, what happened when it was over?

Of course I knew what would happen when it was over—we’d be right back to where we’d been all this time. We’d still be divorcing. He’d still resent me. Everything we’d been would still be gone.

But right now, if only for one song, he was asking me to dance with him one more time. Though I knew it would hurt like hell to let go after the music stopped, I couldn’t say no.

With my heart in my throat, I hesitantly reached for his hand. Then I took his, the warmth of his skin making my breath stutter. As he laced our fingers together, he stepped closer and slid his other arm around my waist. I rested mine on his shoulder.

He started to move in even closer, and I thought for a fleeting moment that he might kiss me, but instead, he touched his cheek to mine as our feet started moving with the soft, distant music. Neither of us made a sound.

Muscle memory kept me dancing, but my mind was fixed on how it felt to be this close to him. The cold around us made me extra aware of the warmth everywhere we touched. He wore a faintly spicy cologne that had become synonymous with him. Any time I caught a whiff of it, even walking through a department store or catching it on someone else, my mind went to Derek. Just a few weeks ago, a student’s father had come in for a parent teacher conference, and the hint of that same cologne had nearly broken me down in tears right there in my classroom. I inhaled it deeply now, committing it to memory. I didn’t care if smelling it in the future hurt; I always wanted it to make me think of this.

The familiar weight of his arm around my waist was heartbreakingly familiar—something I’d always taken for granted. I’d never realized until now how much I loved the way it felt. It was one more thing I’d miss once we were done for good, along with the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, and how nice it was to lean against him on the couch while we watched TV, and the simple pleasure of domestic things like cooking or shopping together.

Pulse pounding, I squeezed my stinging eyes shut. There was so much I wanted to say right then, but this moment felt so delicate. Like anything could break the spell and send us back to an arm’s length apart.

We’ll be there soon enough; just let me have this.

It was Derek who finally spoke. His cheek was still pressed to mine, our bodies still swaying gently to the music, and the single syllable came out as little more than a ragged breath: “Rhys?”

My stomach somersaulted. “Hmm?”

He ran his thumb over the top of mine, and his voice was unsteady as he whispered, “I miss you.”

My heart… God. What was it doing? Pounding? Breaking? Skipping? Melting?

Voice wavering as badly as his, I said, “I miss you too.”

Our feet weren’t moving anymore. When we’d stopped, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that we were standing now, just holding on to each other.

Cheek still pressed to mine, he said, “I have no idea how to come back from this. Up until this weekend I didn’t think it was possible, but now…” He finally drew back and looked in my eyes. “I don’t know how to come back. I just know I don’t want you to leave.”

I stared at him in mute disbelief for a long moment before I found my voice. “You’d… You’d really take me back?”

Derek nodded. “I never should have let you go.”

“But…after I…”

“I don’t care.” He shook his head, and his eyes welled up as he looked in mine. “You fucked up once. I was hurt and I was angry, and yeah I still am, but… I don’t know. Today, watching our daughter getting married and watching you dancing with her, I just… it drove home how big a presence you’ve been in her life and mine.” A tear slipped free, and he quickly brushed it away. “I thought you were throwing all that away, but isn’t that what I’m doing, too?”

I swallowed, unable to process everything he’d said, never mind respond.

“You’ve never given me any reason to believe you’d cheat again,” he whispered shakily. “When you tell me you’re sorry… I believe you. Because I know you.”

“But how do we do this if we can’t trust each other?” I moistened my lips. “If you can’t trust me?”

“We find a way to bring that trust back.”

“Do you think it’s that simple?”

“Simple? Yes. Easy? No.” He pulled me a little closer, and his voice was soft and unsteady as he said, “It took me until tonight to realize that whatever it takes will be worth it.”

I was speechless. Completely and totally speechless. And even if I’d been able to find words, I didn’t trust myself to articulate them without breaking down from both relief and guilt.

So I did the next best thing—I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tighter than I had in ages.

Derek hugged me back just as fiercely, burying his face in my neck and exhaling a warm breath across my skin. I squeezed my eyes shut and held on as I released my own breath. It was like I hadn’t been able to find enough air for the last few months, and now, wrapped up in Derek’s embrace where I belonged, I could breathe again.

And finally, I found my voice: “I love you, Derek.” I stroked his hair. “I know I’ve said it a million times, but I am so sorry.”

“I know.” He pulled back to meet my gaze, and for the first time in ages, he smiled at me like he used to. That warm smile, the softness in his eyes—I hadn’t realized until now just how much I’d missed that look. Caressing my cheek, he said, “And I love you too.”

Oh my God, my heart. I forced back my emotions and whispered, “Do you really think we can do this?”

His smile broadened as his hand slid up into my hair. “We’re off to a pretty good start, aren’t we?”

“I guess we are. I just… I mean, you’re serious? About fixing this?”

Derek didn’t answer.

He just lifted his chin and pressed his cool lips to mine, and the whole world came to a gentle halt beneath our feet.

This wasn’t like that messy, demanding kiss in the hallway of our hotel the other night. Instead, it reminded me of the last time we’d put on tuxes and danced at a wedding—our own wedding. It felt just like when we’d sealed our vows with a long, tender kiss, when everyone else in the room had disappeared for one perfect moment, and everything had been right in the world.

Tonight, with a long way to go before we were back to that kind of solid ground, this soft, sweet kiss was like a taste of what would be waiting for us once we’d done the work to rebuild everything we’d been.

I broke the kiss and touched my forehead to his. “I didn’t think we’d ever…” I ran out of breath and words.

“I didn’t either.” Derek ran this thumb along my cheekbone. “But I’ll work for it if you will.”

“You better believe I will. Whatever it takes.”

He smiled, then kissed me again, and he deepened it this time, gripping the back of my neck as he gently prodded my lips apart. The undercurrent of desire made me briefly entertain the idea of dragging him off to find a coat closet or something, but we were supposed to be at our daughter’s wedding. We could be forgiven for taking a few minutes to put our marriage back on the rails. The rest could wait.

Derek broke the kiss this time. “At the risk of ruining the moment,” he said with a wry grin, “should we take this inside so we don’t freeze our balls off?”

I laughed, and so did he. God, it felt good to laugh with him after all that tension and bitterness. And now that he mentioned it, it really was cold as hell out here.

“All right.” I slipped my hand into his. “Let’s go inside.”