Chapter 8

Derek

 

It was a damn good thing Rhys had pulled into that rest stop. Thanks to the weather, there were a number of accidents between there and our destination, and it was almost eleven when we finally arrived in the town where we’d be spending the night.

“Still want me to swing into a drugstore?” Rhys asked. “Or should we just call it a night tonight?”

“You’ve been driving all day. You tell me.”

He shrugged, and when he glanced at me, a smile played at his lips. “I’m pretty sure I could come up with a second wind. With the right motivation, of course.”

“Mmhmm.” I slid my hand up his thigh. “So you’re saying you can still handle getting fucked tonight?”

Rhys shivered. “Oh hey look. A Walgreens.” He started to change lanes.

I chuckled.

He parked in front of the store and kept the engine idling while I unbuckled my seat belt. We had no way of knowing the political climate of this town, so the prudent thing was for one of us to go in rather than both. Two men buying personal lubricant or even walking through that aisle could raise some eyebrows and turn some heads.

So, to fly under the radar, Rhys would wait in the car while I went in.

I started to get out but hesitated. “Do we, um…” I drummed my nails on the door handle. “Do we just need lube?”

Rhys searched my eyes. Then, apparently reading between the lines, he nodded. “I haven’t been with anyone since…” He swallowed. “Since we were both tested.”

“Same.” That included after I’d gone out for the revenge fuck that I’d immediately regretted.

Our eyes locked, and the moment threatened to go from awkward to excruciating before he softly added, “So, uh, just lube is probably good. Right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.”

The pavement was slick on the way in—I made a mental note to give Rhys a heads up before we went into the hotel—but I managed to get inside without sliding. Hands in my pockets, I scanned the signs above the aisles until I found the one I was looking for.

I slowed a little as I approached the section with the lube and condoms, though. Second thoughts? Oh yeah. Just a few.

After everything had gone down a few months ago, I’d immediately gone out and gotten tested, and I’d demanded Rhys do the same just to be absolutely sure. He had, and our results had all come back clear. At the time, it had been out of panic and anger. How many men had he been with? Had he exposed me to anything? Though he’d insisted at the time there’d only been that one transgression with that one man, I hadn’t believed a word out of his mouth because why the fuck should I? He’d cheated. I couldn’t trust him.

But today, when he said there hadn’t been anyone since then… I believed him. I still didn’t trust him—I’d never be able to trust him again—but I believed him. Maybe because there hadn’t been any tells. Maybe because he’d looked me in the eyes and said it without flinching. Or, hell, maybe because I wanted and needed to believe him because I wanted and needed him. Not just a road trip’s worth of peace—him.

At the rack marked Family Planning, I gave the selection of condoms a cursory look but decided to go with my gut. I pulled a bottle of lube off the shelf, left the condoms where they were, and headed for the checkout line.

Moments later, I was in the truck with Rhys, and we continued across town to our hotel.

“Whoa,” he said as he pulled in the hotel’s driveway. “Looks like we’re not the only ones with this idea.”

“No kidding.” The covered unloading area was packed two cars deep, and there were three more waiting to take their places

Rhys drummed his fingers on the wheel. “Think we should wait until we get to the front? Or just park and walk in?”

“Either way. Fair warning—the parking lot at Walgreens was really slick.”

He nodded. “Good to know. Thanks.” He glanced at something in the backseat. “I’ve still got my cane handy, but let’s maybe wait until we’re under the cover where the concrete is drier.” He grinned slyly. “No point in being sore when we get started, right?”

Grinning back, I shifted in my seat. “Sounds good to me.”

Fortunately, it only took about twenty minutes for the cars ahead of us to clear out enough to let us under the overhang. As horny as I was, twenty minutes seemed like forever, but that was okay. Once we let go of all this pent-up restraint, it would be well worth the long wait.

Rhys parked and we got out. The ground was dry and here, but he took his cane anyway. Couldn’t be too careful in weather like this.

Inside, the reception desk was even busier. Apparently the weather had forced a number of travelers to stop here for the night to stay here in town instead of passing through, and the hotel was out of rooms. Thank God we had a reservation. For that matter, since we were only going to be using one of our rooms, we canceled the second, which worked out great—there was a family trying to figure out what to do next since every hotel in town was full. They snagged our second room, and everyone was happy.

Now all Rhys and I needed to do was park, get our stuff, and haul ass to that room so I could finally get him naked.

Since the parking lot was mostly full and looked seriously slick, I parked the truck while Rhys waited by the door with our luggage. I fought the urge to jog back; though I wasn’t quite as likely to fall on the ice as he was, it would be just my luck that I’d slip, break something, and spend the night in an emergency room instead of that hotel room. Not happening tonight. No fucking way.

Needless to say, I walked back carefully.

As I approached, Rhys grinned, but he said nothing. Nothing needed to be said.

I took the handle of my rolling suitcase, he took his, and we hurried through the crowded lobby to the elevators. I couldn’t say for sure if the elevators really were slow, or if everything just seemed slow because I was so close to having Rhys where I wanted him. Quite possibly a little of both.

Finally, we made it to our floor and our room. Rhys swiped the keycard. For a split second, I had visions of the light turning red, and us having to go back downstairs to have the keycard redone, but no—it turned green, and the door clicked.

The instant we were in the room, Rhys shoved me up against the door, using my body to force it shut, and—just before he kissed me—he murmured, “God, finally.”

Finally was right. I clawed at his clothes and kissed him hard because I finally had him right where I’d wanted him all afternoon and evening. Knowing him, the blowjob at the rest stop had only taken the slightest edge off; he wasn’t going to stop squirming until he was coming again, this time with me balls deep in him where I belonged. I could definitely relate.

He snaked his hands under my jacket and ran them up my back. He closed his fingers around my shirt, and growled, “Ugh, fuck winter. Too many clothes.”

I laughed drunkenly. “We can do something about them, you know.”

“I know, but that…” He kissed me again. “Means letting you go, and…”

“Letting me go for a minute.” I slid my hands down over his ass. “But when you get me back, I’ll be naked.”

Rhys shivered, rubbing his hard cock against me. “You make way too much sense for a man who’s this turned on.”

“Just don’t ask me to figure out anything more complicated than getting you naked.”

He laughed, kissed me lightly, and pried himself off me. “Then get naked.”

“Yes, sir.” We exchanged wicked grins, and quickly got out of jackets, boots, and all the stupid clothes that winter demanded.

Rhys pulled back the covers, then sat on the edge of the bed. While he removed his prosthetic and liner, I found the newly purchased bottle of lube and dealt with the safety seal. One less thing to hassle with when he was ready for me to fuck him.

“Much better.” Rhys put the prosthetic and liner beside the bed, and he grinned as he stretched out beneath the covers.

Returning the grin, I put the lube bottle aside, then joined him in the middle of the mattress. Oh God, yeah, this was so much better than making out while we were dressed or with that stupid console between us. Now there was no fear of getting busted. No cramped space to keep us from getting close and comfortable. No clothes in the way. It was all naked skin and ragged breaths and long, deep kisses while hands explored bodies like we were two men who’d never touched before.

Rhys pushed me onto my back and straddled me. I ran my hands up his sides, his back, his arms, his thighs—anything I could reach was fair game. We stroked each other’s cocks. Gripped each other’s hair. Squeezed each other’s asses. My heart was going a million miles an hour and I was painfully hard—had I ever been this turned on? If I had, I couldn’t remember, and I couldn’t think clearly enough to try to remember. He just felt so good, touching me with those strong, insistent hands while we made out and wound each other up.

Why has it been so long since we did this?

Oh. Right. Because—

I forced the thought back again, and kissed Rhys even harder and held him even tighter as if that might chase away everything else. I couldn’t change the past. All I wanted was to enjoy tonight, and to get through the next few days without things being so icy with Rhys.

Which they wouldn’t be in the first place if he hadn’t—

I broke the kiss and went for his neck, and his ragged groan made all my doubts scatter. I wanted this. I wanted him. Tonight, I had him, and that was all I cared about.

He nudged my cheek with his chin, and when I lifted my head, our lips came together in another long, deep kiss. As we kissed and groped, our hips started moving, rocking as if we were already fucking, and the pornographic pantomime was almost as delicious as the friction between our dicks.

“Been thinking all day about you fucking me.” Rhys nipped my lower lip. “Don’t want to wait.”

“Then get on your back,” I breathed.

“Ungh, yeah.” He bent to kiss me again. “And you better lube that thing up quick.”

I laughed, one hand still on his thigh as I reached for the lube with the other. “Oh really?”

“Uh-huh.” He grinned. “Don’t you dare tease me, or I’ll keep you just like this and ride you.”

I arched an eyebrow. “That’s…not exactly a deterrent, you know.”

“Hmm, good—”

“Just get on your back.”

“Fine.” He started to move, and I gave his ass a light slap, which earned me another dirty, wicked grin.

Good thing I’d already gotten the safety seal out of the way—I didn’t need anything between me and the lube. I quickly poured some onto my fingers, and I fingered Rhys’s tight ass until he’d relaxed, and then fingered him some more just because I loved to watch him squirm and listen to him moan.

“Derek…” He closed his eyes and arched. “Fuck… c’mon.”

“Just want to make sure you’re ready.”

He clawed at the sheets beside him. “You know damn well I’m ready.”

“But I—”

“Derek.” He met my eyes, his filled with desperation. “Please.”

I slid my fingers free, and he whispered “oh thank God” as I reached for the lube again. When I positioned myself between his powerful thighs, he bit his lip, his brow creasing as if he were struggling to stay in control. Knowing him, he probably was.

I slicked myself up, then leaned over him as I guided my cock to him. He held his breath. So did I. As I teased his hole with the head, making little circles just to drive him wild, he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and arching under me.

“Derek…”

He trailed off into a moan as I pressed in. No teasing now—one slide into his tight ass, and I was overcome with the need to fuck him. It had been so damn long, because—no, not thinking about that. I furrowed my brow and concentrated on easing into him, giving him a little at a time as he yielded to me.

“Oh yeah,” he purred. “Yeah…”

My sentiments exactly, especially because I had the most amazing view. I’d always loved watching his face as he took my cock. The way his lips parted and his eyes squeezed shut—he was always the picture of pure ecstasy. He loved to top too, but he was the most enthusiastic bottom I’d ever been with, and this sexy view alone had nearly done me in dozens of times.

“Oh my God, you feel good,” he moaned, running his hands up my chest.

“So do you.” I closed my eyes as I pushed deeper, but then forced them open again because I didn’t want to miss a second of him in this blissed out state.

Because I’ve already missed too much.

I swallowed back a surge of emotion.

I miss this so much.

I miss you so much.

The thoughts made me falter, and as I gazed into Rhys’s eyes, my throat tightened.

Why did you do this to us?

I tried to tamp down those feelings, but the sudden intense ache in my throat was impossible to ignore.

No, damn it. Not now. Just enjoy this and—

He reached up and touched my face, and the caress of his fingertips raised both goose bumps and my hackles. I wanted him, and I wanted to want him, but I hated myself for it and I hated him for… for everything.

I abandoned my slow, easy pace, and fucked him hard. He liked it that way, and so did I, but it wasn’t the need for rough sex that drove me. I thrust hard enough to knock the breath out of him. Gripped his hips tight enough to bruise. My jaw ached from clenching it, and the cable-tightness in my neck and shoulder muscles was painful, but I drove on, fucking him hard. Fucking him angry.

I wasn’t out of control, and I wasn’t trying to hurt him. Maybe convey to him what I couldn’t say aloud—how much I hurt and how angry I was—through touches and thrusts, but actually hurt him? No. I just couldn’t do slow and sensual. Not tonight. Not when my emotions were suddenly this raw and everything between us was suddenly rising to the surface at the worst possible moment.

I tried to concentrate on sensations. On sex. On getting us both off. Anything but all those feelings that weren’t welcome now. They were too intense to ignore, though. Last night I’d been too drunk to think beyond getting him off, but tonight I was too sober to pretend we hadn’t touched in months or that I didn’t know why. I couldn’t ignore all the reasons there was so much cold air between us. Why I’d slept alone all those nights leading up to now, and why it hurt as much to imagine sleeping beside him tonight as it did to imagine another night alone.

My eyes stung, and I couldn’t even begin to tell myself it was from anything but tears. Tears of pain, anger, loneliness, betrayal—too many emotions that had no business sharing this bed with us.

I slowed down. So did he.

We both panted. Trembled. Stared at each other.

What are we doing?

All at once, the anger flamed out, and my arousal waned so fast it was jarring. Sighing, I pulled out before I started to go soft, and I rolled onto my back beside Rhys. He didn’t try to stop me. He didn’t roll over to cuddle up against. For a painfully long time, we lay in silence, a few chilly inches between us on the mattress where we’d been having sex just a minute ago.

Well, shit. Now what?

I scrubbed a hand over my face. We just had to cancel that second room, didn’t we? And the hotel was full, so there was no going back down and saying, “Hey, could we grab that extra room after all?” No, we were stuck in this room together. One room with one bed. We’d be sleeping next to each other whether we liked it or not. Half an hour ago, I’d been all over that. The closer we slept together, the more times we could fool around between now and sunrise.

Now…damn.

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. Tomorrow would be fun. So would the weekend, since we were using my sister’s guest room, which, if memory served, had a bed even smaller than this one.

Fuck. I needed a shower or something. A minute to myself to clear my head.

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, but didn’t get any farther than that. Resting my hands on the edge of the mattress, I stared at the blank wall, wondering if it was even possible to make sense of all the emotions crashing around in my head.

Behind me, Rhys sat up too. “You all right?”

I almost let go of a bitter laugh. Maybe if I hadn’t been this drained and exhausted right then, not to mention this close to tears, I would have laughed, but I just…couldn’t.

“Not really, no.” More silence, but only for a moment. Before I could stop myself, I said, “Tell me why.”

Rhys tensed. I didn’t see him, or even hear him, really. In ways I couldn’t explain—or maybe ways I was imagining—I felt it. “Tell you why…what?”

Still staring at the wall, I fought back a surge of frustration. “Why did you do it?”

He exhaled slowly. “Derek, it’s done. Does it really matter why—”

I jerked around and faced him. “Yes. Yes, it fucking matters.”

He blinked. “Why?”

“Because it’s been killing me for months, and as long as things are shitty tonight, we might as well drag it all out into the daylight.”

His eyes widened, but he kept his voice level. “You know we have to spend tomorrow in the car again, right?”

“Yeah. I do. And I don’t need a crystal goddamned ball to know it’s going to be miserable no matter what. So let’s just get it all out and over with like we should have done in September.”

Rhys flinched away. He stared down at his hands, watching his fingers pluck at the sheet draped over his lap. “There’s no point. There is nothing I can say that’s going to make the truth go down any easier for either of us. I fucked up, and I’ve regretted it every minute of every day since then.” He swallowed hard, and when he turned back to me, damn if his eyes hadn’t welled up. “What more do you want?”

“I want to know why,” I ground out. “We had a good thing going. Hell, we had a great thing going. Why the hell did you go and—”

“Maybe it didn’t feel so great to me at the time,” he snapped.

We both froze.

He dropped his gaze, again and his shoulders sagged too. Wiping a hand over his face, he sighed heavily. “Nothing I say is going to justify anything, okay? Not to you, and not to me. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. If I had it to do over, I’d walk away from him in a heartbeat and never think twice about it.”

“But you didn’t walk away from him, so just tell me.” My voice had softened to a shakier, more pleading tone. For months I’d resisted asking him why because I’d been afraid of the answer. Now that I’d asked, I needed him to tell me because I didn’t see myself asking again. “Why did you sleep with him?”

Rhys winced. He kept his gaze fixed on the rumpled comforter as he slowly released a breath. “We were going through a rough patch, remember?”

I gritted my teeth. “Not rough enough to make me want to put my dick in another guy, but okay.”

His jaw worked, and his eyes narrowed, though he didn’t look at me. “Around that same time, I hit a bit of a rough patch of my own. I… I don’t know if it was a funk, or some depression or what. I just…” He sighed and shook his head. “I didn’t feel like me, and I didn’t know what to do about it, and I got it into my head that I couldn’t come to you about it because things were iffy between us. So I got into this… this weird spiral, where I felt like shit, and then I felt worse because I didn’t think I could come to you, and then I resented you over it, and…” He swallowed, pushed his shoulders back, and finally turned to me. “I’m not blaming you or excusing what I did. It was entirely my fault, and I own that. But that’s where my head was.”

So there it was. The truth. The reason my husband had spent a night in another man’s bed and sent our marriage into a tailspin it couldn’t get out of. Knowing that truth didn’t make me feel any better. I wasn’t sure I’d expected it to. Or what I’d expected to gain from knowing.

“Look, I know it doesn’t change a damn thing,” Rhys said in a shaky whisper, “but I mean it—if I had the chance to do it over, I never would have touched him.”

I held his gaze for a long moment, not sure what it was I was searching for in his eyes. Whatever it was, I decided it wasn’t worth continuing this staring contest with the man it hurt to look at, so I broke eye contact and rose. “I’m going to take a shower.” I didn’t wait for a response, and Rhys didn’t offer one. He probably needed some space from me as badly as I needed it from him.

In the hotel room’s cramped shower, I pressed my hands against the walls and closed my eyes as hot water cascaded over my crawling skin.

Rhys had been right—knowing didn’t help at all. I’d convinced myself I couldn’t possibly feel any worse about how things had gone down, but I’d been wrong. Somehow, knowing that he didn’t think he could come to me when he was hurting cut deeper than finding out he’d been in another man’s bed. He’d felt like we were too far apart, and he’d resented me for it, and he’d found comfort somewhere else.

Yes, we’d been in a less than perfect place when this had all happened, but it hadn’t been that bad. Had it? Life was peaks and valleys, and that had felt like just another valley to me. Not even a very deep one. We hadn’t been at each other’s throats. If anything, we’d just been…on different wavelengths. On other planets, sometimes. There hadn’t been much talking, and our sex life had taken a nosedive, but I hadn’t been worried. It wasn’t the first time we’d gone through that, and I’d assumed it wouldn’t be the last.

Even when he’d texted me to say he’d had a couple of drinks and was crashing at a friend’s house, I hadn’t worried. I’d had no idea that we were hours away from the conversation that would spell the end of our marriage. That as I’d goofed off on my phone and watched some TV and eventually made my way to bed, Rhys had been—at that very moment—having sex with a man whose name and face I still didn’t know.

That while I’d thought we’d ride things out, Rhys had felt so far away from me that…

I exhaled, then turned away from the spray and wiped the water out of my eyes.

Maybe Rhys had done us a favor. If we were that far gone, was there any coming back?

Yes.

Yes, there was.

Or at least there had been right up until the moment when Rhys had made the decision to cheat on me.

A fresh wave of anger replaced this sick, sad feeling.

All he’d had to do was come talk to me. It didn’t matter how hard that was, or how afraid he was to approach me. If he’d cared about me, our marriage, or the life we’d built together over the last nine years, he’d have sucked it up and talked to me. Or at least done something to try to bridge that gap.

But he hadn’t. He’d blown up what was left of the bridge, and now here we were on opposite sides of a chasm that I not only couldn’t cross, I didn’t want to. We were done. I was done.

I shut off the shower, pulled open the curtain, and yanked one of the gritty white towels off the shelf. Tonight would be miserable, sleeping in the same room as Rhys, but I’d get through it. I’d get through everything, because it was just a few more days. We’d survive tonight, get to Portland, plaster on smiles, make it through the wedding, and then come home, divorce, and get the hell out of each other’s lives.

Mental note—look up rental car prices for the return trip.