“You know, when Tommy told me that you were pregnant, I didn’t believe it.”
“Yeah, I figured he was going to run to you and tell you.”
I was trying to keep my temper. I actually had believed Tommy when he said she was pregnant, but somehow it hadn’t felt real until now. To actually see her pregnant and to hear and see the baby was something I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t prepared for the way she made me feel or the way I felt as I thought of being a father. It was not something that I had yearned for, but now it was something that I couldn’t imagine living without.
“You should have told me. I shouldn’t have had to find out from my assistant, Desiree.”
I heard her sigh and I looked over. She looked upset, and I scolded myself silently. Trying to keep my tone softer, I asked her why she hadn’t told me. I wasn’t trying to upset her, but I needed to know.
“Because you said that you didn’t want a bunch of babies running around.”
“That was just a joke. I had just realized that we hadn’t used protection, and I wanted to know if you were on anything. You said that it was not a problem, Desiree, remember?”
“I was pregnant already. I had just found out, so it wasn’t like you could get me double pregnant. The damage was already done.”
The way she said it, with her eyes staring into nothing out the window, told me that she was not happy to be pregnant. I started to think about what it would be like for her. I didn’t like the idea of her going through it alone for all this time. She had been dealing with everything by herself. I took her hand and laced it into my own. I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I hadn’t been before because I didn’t know, but now that I knew, I wasn’t going anywhere.
“You should have told me, Desiree. You shouldn’t have had to go through this alone. I would have been to all of your appointments, anything you needed.”
We didn’t have a destination in mind. I still didn’t know where she lived, and Desiree didn’t seem to care where we were going. When I looked down at the time, my mind went back to a place we had been before. I didn’t have any of the trappings that I had at our last picnic, but I wanted her to remember, and the sun was going to be down in a little while. It seemed like the place to go while she decided what she was going to do. I knew what my plans were. If I had it my way, I would just take her home and be done with it, but I knew that I couldn’t do that with Desiree. With Desiree I was going to have to be careful what I did next.
“I just didn’t think you would care or even want to know. If you would have gotten mad and been mean about it, I don’t think I would have been able to take that. If you would have asked me to get rid of the baby… I don’t know, Greg. I just couldn’t take that chance. I would rather have remembered our few moments together, than that.”
I looked over at her, her hair down and covering the side of her face and her eyes. I wanted her to look at me, to see in my eyes that I was in love with her, but it wasn’t happening right then. My foot went down on the gas and I saw her hand reach up to grab the dashboard before I slowed back down and turned down the dirt road, where the bumps made me slow down even further.
“I don’t know why you think that of me, Desiree. I would never do that to you. I would have never asked you to kill our baby. You should have told me.”
I was stuck on it. I know I was. I was too hurt to forget that she had just taken off, and I couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal because she hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. How could she think such things of me?
“Why are we going here?”
I shrugged and parked almost in the same place I had so many months before when we’d gone on our first date and I had had my first taste of true desire. Then I had made the mistake of prioritizing my business over her, leaving her stewing the whole time. Our meeting months later was dynamite, but then she had left. At the time I had thought it was because of what I had done, but now I realized that it was way more complicated than that. I’d done a bad job of showing her who I truly was, and it was wrong of me to think that she would see me how I wanted to be seen. The reality of it was that I hadn’t showed her what I truly felt.
“I thought it would be a good place to go. I don’t have a picnic, but the sun is starting to set, and I remember how much you liked it last time.”
“Well, just don’t think that it is going to end like it did last time, Greg.”
I nodded my head and told her I wouldn’t dream of it. I was trying to ignore the way her chest had grown since I had seen her last, and the glow that seemed to emanate from her skin now. She was a beautiful woman, and the fact that she was carrying our child made me love her even more.
Going around the car, I opened the door and helped her out of the low seat. I cursed myself for not thinking about this when I decided to take this car. I was so worried about impressing her that I hadn’t thought about what vehicle would be most comfortable for someone in her condition. Should I get a minivan now?
I tried to calm myself down, but this was not going how I’d thought it would go. I’d honestly expected that she would be in my arms by now. She would have seen the error of her ways and be begging me for forgiveness. I was not getting any of those feelings from her, and I wasn’t sure why. What had I done that was so bad that she would not tell me?
The thoughts were driving me crazy, and trying to quiet my mind didn’t help. I just had to know, or I was sure that I was going to lose it.
I helped her down and we sat in the grass in the same spot as before. She was beautiful, and I liked the way the wind was pushing her blonde hair back from her face. All I could think about was what our baby was going to look like. As much as I wanted him to look like me, there was a part of me that wanted him to have her light-colored hair and eyes. I could go on with life knowing that I would always have a part of Desiree. For someone that I would undoubtedly remember for my whole life, that didn’t seem like too bad of a deal.
“Why did you leave me, Desiree?”
“Because you didn’t want the baby and I didn’t want to see your reaction.”
“I didn’t think there was actually a chance you were pregnant. I didn’t know what I was saying. You should have given me another chance.”
“Why? You were gone for months after we were here last time. You just disappeared. I figured that it wouldn’t matter to you much either way.”
I couldn’t believe that she thought that. Had I really been that remiss in showing her how I felt? I had thought it was obvious in my kiss, in the way I made love to her. I knew that I was bad at words, but I had hoped that she would feel the love I had for her in the way that I held her.
“How could you not think you matter to me, Desiree? You are all I have thought about since I met you. Don’t you know how long I have been looking for you?”
I stopped, realizing that I was losing myself a little. I didn’t like the sound of my voice, and I didn’t like the way the desperation that I was feeling injected itself into the conversation. I just wanted her. Why couldn’t she see that?
Desiree wouldn’t look at me. Her eyes were on the painting-worthy sunset in front of us. I knew that she didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to either, so I pulled her back against me slowly and reveled in the feel of her against my chest. It had been too long, and as a man who had convinced himself that all he needed was to get her by his side, I was content once more. As long as she was with me, I was sure that everything would work out.
It had started to get late before we spoke another word. She told me that she needed to get home, and I waited for the address. If she still didn’t want me to know where she lived, she wouldn’t tell me, and then I would know that she was not ready to forgive me yet. What I had done, I was not sure of, but I was more worried about what was going to happen next.
“Would you like me to take you home?”
She still hadn’t said where she lived or anything else. Desiree seemed to be making a decision in her mind, and I hoped that it was going to be for us.
“I live down near where Tommy found me, in one of the townhouses. They aren’t that great, but it was all I could find on such short notice.”
I ground my teeth a little. I hated to think of her leaving like she had, but I knew that was a conversation for another time. She was pregnant, emotional and I was not stupid enough to rock the boat that I had just found and gotten back on. If she wanted to take it slow, I was willing. As long as she let me be part of her life and our son’s life, that was all that mattered.