I sat at my desk and forced myself to eat the sandwich I packed for lunch. I was sick a few weeks ago and couldn’t get my appetite back. Truth was I lost more than my appetite. I glanced at Tim’s door and wondered if things would ever get back to normal.

I didn’t know what the answer was. I had called Brody to ask for help and his answer was to take a vacation. I didn’t want to take a vacation alone, but I didn’t want to take it with the man who I was engaged to, either. I tossed my sandwich on my napkin and closed my eyes.

“Good afternoon, April.” Dr. Hank Cannes walked in with his sack lunch. He was another thing I fought Tim over. I didn’t care. He was everything I wanted for the center. I didn’t give a shit that Tim hated him. He had only been with us for a couple of months, but he already had the center how it used to be. There was less fighting and I felt safer.

“Hi, Hank.” I picked up my sandwich and forced another bite.

“Do you mind if I pull up a chair? It seems my schedule got away from me, and I don’t like to eat alone.”

“I don’t mind.” I moved a couple of files out of the way for him.

“Thank you so much. Are you still not feeling well? That must have been some nasty bug you picked up.”

“Something like that.” I looked at Tim’s door again.

He unpacked his lunch but kept glancing at me. “Is everything okay at home?”

I looked at my sandwich and nodded before I could muster up a small smile and look at him. “Yes, home is fine.”

“Forgive me for asking, but was Tim always this angry or do I bring it out in him?”

“There was a time he wasn’t angry at all.” I smiled, remembering how he used to be. “Things have been rough on him.”

“Oh?” He took a bite of his sandwich. “How long have you two known each other?”

“It’s been a few years.”

“Did you meet here?” He took another bite.

“We did.” I smiled. “He hired me because I told Brody off before the interview even started.”

“I don’t doubt that. You’re definitely someone who won’t take crap from anyone.”

I looked down to my lap. “I used to be.”

He took a drink of his water and sat back. “I may be overstepping my place.” He took a breath as if he was weighing whether he should continue or not. “I can see you love Tim very much. I can see you want nothing but the best for him. What about the best for you? I’m not advocating you break things off. That’s your call. What about therapy for the both of you?”

I shook my head. “I’ve suggested it.” I pushed my lunch away and leaned on my desk. “He doesn’t see the need.”

“But you do.”

I wasn’t sure why I was spilling my guts to someone who was probably just being polite, but it was easy to talk to Hank. I wouldn’t tell him anything that happened over the last few weeks, but I’d had to hold everything in so much. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening, so when given the chance, it was impossible to keep completely quiet.

“Tim used to be so sweet. He used to be so caring. He still can be but not nearly as often or as long. I remember right before we started dating when we moved the supplies to the back. I had a horrible time with my allergies from the dust, and he was there with soup. I wasn’t anything more to him than the office girl at that time.

“Then we started dating and his brother got caught up in that Mosley mess. That’s when his foundation, as unsteady as it was, started to crumble. His old life he felt tethered to with his brother and the new life he wanted to start with me were competing against each other. When his brother left, that rope that tied him to that old life kept stretching until it snapped.”

“How do you mean?”

“Brody won’t take his calls.”

“Where’s Tim’s other family?”

I grabbed a tissue. I was trying to keep it together in case Tim came out of his office, but talking about how much Tim changed hurt. “His mom passed when he was in college. His parents had divorced before that. Brody is his older brother, but they do have a younger sister. When she left for college, their father left with her. I guess they didn’t have much to do with Tim because he stood by Brody during his drug abuse days. He doesn’t talk much about it.”

Hank leaned forward with his knees on his elbows. “It sounds as if Tim feels abandoned by the people he’s cared about most. You’re all he has left. I’m not excusing his behavior, and I recommend therapy more than ever, but I don’t want you to take any of this personally. These are Tim’s issues. They have very little to do with you.”

“My head understands what you’re saying, but my heart breaks because I can’t help the man I love.”

* * *

Tim had been contained to his office all day. After my talk with Hank, I took Tim’s lunch to him, but he barely acknowledged me. He just sat in his chair and stared into space. Each time I interacted with him, it became more and more difficult to face him. It became more difficult to forgive him.

I expected things to get worse after we hit our latest roadblock, but I didn’t expect him to completely shut down. It wasn’t exactly the highlight of my life, either. It was one of the lowest moments I’d ever had to live through, but I was still willing to try. I was still willing to put my heart on the line. I wasn’t sure what he was willing to do anymore.

I knocked on the door and opened it. He was sitting in the same spot with his lunch on his desk untouched. I inched in further. “Tim?” I cleared my throat. “Are you ready to go home?”

He didn’t move other than his chest with each breath. I walked closer and looked down at the lunch. I pulled it toward me. “I’ll just clean this up and we can go.”

He sat forward, and with one swoop of his arm threw it all into the garbage can he grabbed from under the desk. He slammed the can on the floor and looked at me for the first time that day. There was no hatred or love in his look. He was void. Only the shell of the man I loved was looking at me.

My chin quivered as I tried to reel my emotions in, but it was almost impossible to do. His actions a few weeks ago crushed me more than I ever thought possible, but he was crushing me even further with that look.

“Just talk to me.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was as if I held the emotions for the both of us and it was too much to take. “Please, just talk. I don’t care what it is. I just need to hear your voice.”

He blinked and looked at my lips but didn’t say anything when he looked back down to the desk. When he looked down, I begged. “Please, Tim. I need you.”

“You don’t want to hear what I have to say.”

“Emerson—”

He kept his head down and ran his hands over his head. “I can’t talk about this again.”

“But, Emerson—”

He stood and swung his arms. “Fuck Emerson! She has no say in my life! I can’t take it back. I can’t change what happened.” He stormed around the desk and pulled my hands away from my face. “Is this what you want to hear? Anger? That’s all I can give you right now.”

I cried harder. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to leave him no matter what we’d been through. “I love you, Tim. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not going anywhere.”

He let go of my arms and motioned down my body with his hands. “So you can feel this fabulous every day?”

I tried to put my arms around him and gripped his shirt when he tried to push me away. “Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this. We love each other and we can be happy again. I know we can if you try.”

I held his face and made him look at me. If I could only get into his head and hear the lies he’s telling himself. I can’t shut out those voices if he doesn’t tell me what they say anymore. He looked away, but I pulled his face back to look at me. “I love you. Please, tell me you love me, too.”

He gripped my hips and placed his forehead to mine, so I thought I was getting through to him. I wasn’t prepared when he gripped them tighter and whispered, “I hate what you’re doing to me.”

My heart dropped. “What?”

He left his forehead against mine as he looked into my eyes and spoke louder. “I hate what you’re doing to me.”

I tried to back up, but he held on to me. “You just need time.”

I jumped when he shouted, “I hate what you’re doing to me!” He shoved me away from him and stormed out of the office.

I gripped the desk, ready to collapse from the pain his words inflicted, and sobbed. I stumbled to my desk to collect my things, but I didn’t know where to go. It was obvious I couldn’t go home again.

I had no family in the area, I hadn’t taken the time to make friends, and the love of my life just told me he hated me. I grabbed two more tissues and cried into them. I needed to calm down enough to check into a hotel. No one would allow me to stay if I showed up looking the way I was.

I startled when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Get off me.”

“It’s me, April.” Hank squeezed my shoulder and turned the chair around to get me to face him. “Come home with me. We’ll talk.”

I shook my head. No one could know what had happened. If word got out, it would be more awkward at the office, and I didn’t want to leave the job I loved. I’d already lost everything else. I couldn’t take another hit. “I don’t have clothes with me. I’ll be fine in a few minutes. Go home.”

“My house is empty this weekend. And, my sister has some clothes at my house. She’s a bigger diva than me, so you know they’re good.”

“Thank you, no.”

Hank crouched down and lowered my hands. “Come home with me and talk to someone who will not argue with you. You need to talk about it.”

He didn’t know what it was. I shook my head. “I can’t.”

“I promise you I will not bad talk Tim at all. I will not bad talk your relationship. I’ll only be there to listen.”

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to talk so much, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. “It’s over. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You don’t have to talk about Tim.” He caressed my hair and spoke a little softer. “What about Emerson Bishop?”

I leaned forward and sobbed on his shoulder. It was a night I never wanted to revisit, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I needed the safe place to fall.