Brody sat with the biggest smile as he listened to Lila talk. He took it all in. I sat back and watched the two of them. It was weird. There was no other word to describe it. We didn’t talk this much when we sat around the dinner table at home. Of course, tensions were high most of the time between our parents, so no one felt comfortable enough to talk.

“She’ll love you when she gets to know you.” Lila was reassuring Brody that her daughter, Kennedy’s, reaction wouldn’t be permanent toward him. She would grow to love him.

“I think it’s still best that I not surprise her. What’s her favorite toy? Maybe I can win her over with something cute and cuddly.”

Lila laughed. “Kennedy is not a cute and cuddly kind of girl. She’s all boy. Well, without the penis.” She laughed again. “She doesn’t like to play with toys so much as she just likes to play. She’ll be entertained by anything, especially if she can climb it.”

“I’m sure I can figure something out to get her on my good side.” Brody seemed concerned he was going to be too big for the girl. People were always afraid of him. It was part of what started his addiction. He couldn’t get close to people to make friends.

“She’ll love you. She just wasn’t expecting you. Give her time.” Lila put her hand on Brody’s and he smiled and nodded. “Okay, boys, I’m heading to the restroom before dessert. Don’t order without me.”

Brody waited until she was far enough away before he turned and looked at me. “What’s the deal? You haven’t said two words to her the entire night and you’ve barely touched your dinner.”

“I’m not hungry. I had breakfast and lunch with her. It’s time you talk.”

“What’s going on with April? Have you figured out a plan to get her back yet?”

“I’m not getting her back. I told you she’s with someone else.”

“No, she isn’t.” He reached over with his fork and took a couple of bites of my dinner. I was done with it anyway.

“I’m telling you she is and I’m not going to sit and argue about it. You’re not there anymore.”

He put his fork down and looked at me. “I’m sorry I’m not there, but I was never meant to be there. You were. I was just an enforcer. A bouncer, if you will. I didn’t help those people. I scared the shit out of them to keep them sober and that was it.”

“You helped more than you know.”

“Why don’t you bring April with you?”

“Who’s April?” Lila sat down. “Oh, was she the blonde who thought I was a leftover from the night before?”

“A leftover?” Brody looked back and forth between the two of us. “What’s that mean?”

“I walked in to surprise Timmy, and this cute blonde came from the back and thought I was there for some interview. When I told her I was there to see Timmy, her eyes got greener than mine.” Lila smiled and took a drink of her water.

“Wait, you’re interviewing?”

“No, but April did. She hired a temp to help her get through the certifications, I guess. I didn’t know she needed help. I would’ve helped her.”

“Maybe she’s too afraid to talk to you. All you’ve done is bite her head off.” Brody signaled for the waiter. “Let’s get some dessert.”

“You guys go ahead. I think I’m skipping out.”

“Well, I’m not. Brody’s paying for me tonight.” She smiled at Brody.

“I am? I don’t remember this promise. There would’ve been a restriction that you could only order from the kids’ menu.”

“Oh, I’d say you owe me for all those times you took money from my bag when you thought I wasn’t looking. I’d say you owe me a few dinners.”

Brody’s smile wasn’t one of pride, amusement, or embarrassment. It was almost as if it was a fond memory for him. “I’d be happy to buy you dinner.” He raised his glass to his lips but didn’t drink yet. “I sure was happy you were the most popular babysitter in the neighborhood.” He laughed when she threw her napkin at him.

Lila looked at me when I leaned over and grabbed my wallet. “You can take off if you want. I’m sure Brody will fill me in on this April woman. You should bring her, though. I’d like a second chance to make a good impression if she’s important to you.”

“Where am I supposed to bring her? She isn’t coming, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They looked at each other and looked back to me. Brody shook his head. “We’ve only spent the last hour talking about going to Lila’s for a weekend. She wants to meet Maggie and she’s hopeful she can talk Dad into sitting down with us all.”

“Well, you two have fun. I’m not sitting around for that conversation.”

Lila crossed her arms and leaned on the table as she looked down at her plate. Brody squeezed my thigh when I tried to stand. I looked at him and he squeezed harder. I sat back and bit my tongue. They’d both be on a plane in the morning and I’d have my life back. They could plan whatever the fuck they wanted, but I wasn’t showing up.

The waiter had come over with the dessert menus. Brody and Lila couldn’t decide what to get, so they decided to each get something different and sample off both plates. I chose not to get anything. I wasn’t very hungry. Talking about April and Dad were two things that could always kill my appetite.

“I can’t wait to meet Maggie. She sounds fun.” She took a bite of her chocolate cake. “Has she met April?”

Brody answered even though she was looking at me. “Yeah, Maggie is very fond of April. They talk a few times a week.”

I looked at Brody. “They do?”

“Yeah, they do.” He glanced at me. “She isn’t dating anyone.”

Lila raised her eyebrows. “So, there’s a love triangle here?”

“There’s no triangle. If she thinks she can be happy with a guy almost retirement age, then so be it.”

“She isn’t dating anyone. I wish you would stop making excuses and just get her back already.”

Lila didn’t know the situation, but it didn’t stop her from asking questions. “Is there a chance of that?”

I looked at her. “No, there’s no chance. Too much has happened.”

“Like what?”

Brody answered again. “He became an asshole.”

“Stop calling me an asshole. I’ll fucking lay you out.”

He turned to Lila. “See? An asshole.”

“Who needs this shit?” I grabbed my wallet again.

Lila’s comment stopped me. “But you want her back. You just don’t think she wants you.”

“Too much has happened. It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“What does matter, Timmy?”

No one asked me that before. Maggie and Brody just pushed for me to get back together with her. No one asked me what mattered. “Her happiness.”

“And she can’t have that with you?”

I took a few bills out of my wallet and tossed them onto the table. “Maybe once, but not anymore.”

* * *

“Just talk to me.” April was crying harder than I’d ever heard her before. “Please, just talk. I don’t care what it is. I just need to hear your voice.”

I couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t that I wanted to shut her out. It was the fact I wanted to shut out every feeling I’d ever had. I failed at everything. I failed at the most important thing in the world. I didn’t keep April safe from hurt. I blinked and looked at her lips before looking back down at the desk. Her smile was what kept me going, and I wasn’t sure she would ever smile again.

“Please, Tim. I need you.”

I was leaning on my elbows on the desk. I didn’t want to look up and see her devastated in front of me. I couldn’t take it. “You don’t want to hear what I have to say.”

“Emerson—”

I kept my head down and ran my hands over my head. “I can’t talk about this again.”

“But, Emerson—”

I stood. I couldn’t take it anymore. “Fuck Emerson! She has no say in my life! I can’t take it back. I can’t change what happened.” I stormed around the desk and pulled her hands away from her face. “Is this what you want to hear? Anger? That’s all I can give you right now.”

She cried harder. “I love you, Tim. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not going anywhere.”

I let go of her arms and motioned down her body with my hands. “So you can feel this fabulous every day?”

She tried to put her arms around me, and when I batted her hands away, she gripped my shirt. “Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this. We love each other and we can be happy again. I know we can if you try.”

I made the biggest mistake of my life and allowed her to pull my eyes to hers. Those eyes had filled me with such hope, such happiness, and such pride when I made them sparkle. All I was able to make them do anymore was cry. I couldn’t feel it anymore. The guilt, the hatred for myself, the love I had for her. It was too much. I looked away.

She pulled my face back to hers. “I love you. Please, tell me you love me, too.”

I closed my eyes and gripped her hips as I pulled her close. I couldn’t look at her when I told her the truth. I couldn’t stand to see the world shatter around her because I knew that was what would happen. It was what needed to happen. Our world broke when Emerson Bishop came into our lives, but it still had jagged pieces of hope. I needed them gone. They hurt too much when I tried to get close. April didn’t realize it, but she needed them gone, too.

I gripped her hips tighter, braced myself for the storm that would come when I uttered the words, and whispered, “I hate what you’re doing to me.”

She tensed. “What?”

I kept my forehead to hers, but opened my eyes and looked into hers as I spoke louder. “I hate what you’re doing to me.”

She tried to back up, but I wouldn’t let her. “You just need time.”

I needed her to get the hint and leave me alone. Leave us alone. We weren’t meant to be happy. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I wasn’t meant to be happy. She was. The hope. The pain. The love I still had for her that was suffocating me. I needed it all gone. I needed to be numb. I yelled as loud as I could, “I hate what you’re doing to me!” I shoved her back a little as I let her go. I heard the sobs, but I didn’t look back as I stormed out of the office.

* * *

I looked at my lap as I sat outside her house. Hank’s car was in the driveway. It was true what I said at the restaurant with Lila and Brody. I wanted her to be happy. I scoffed and started the car. I wished she would’ve picked someone younger.