Chapter 17 – Sadie
I couldn’t get Brian off my mind. If it was bad before, it was insane now.
I’d slept with the guy. A part of me, the rational part, asked me how I could do that. But the rest of me felt amazing. The sex had been hotter than hot. Even though it had been wild sex, he’d treated me like a queen afterward. I hadn’t even had time to think about whether he’d just wanted to get into my pants.
The way he took me to his bed and cuddled with me afterward had made me feel wanted in a way I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
But everything I felt confused me, too. My memories were starting to come back but in tiny fragments. They were like puzzle pieces, except the puzzle was upside down, so I couldn’t tell if they fit or not.
Everything with Brian felt right, comfortable, and real, but the moment I started thinking about it, I got scared. My stomach tightened into a knot of fear. I started doubting if I was doing the right thing, and I wondered if I should stop seeing him altogether.
But then he would text me again, and I wouldn’t be able to resist, and the whole thing started over again.
And this time, the repeat might include sex. I didn’t know if I was ready for that. Brian had taken what I had considered my virginity on Friday night, and I had wanted it, then. I had wanted it until the moment he’d dropped me off at home. It was then that the fear had tackled me.
I’d fought my bloody demons, the ones I could remember and the ones I couldn’t, the whole weekend. I had Monday off from training, and I decided that maybe I needed to talk to someone. I needed a place to vent and a shoulder to cry on.
I needed honest to goodness girl talk.
Lorraine arrived at five on the dot with a tub of ice cream and a bottle of wine.
“When you said you had boy trouble, I didn’t know which you needed, so I brought both,” she said.
I hugged her. “Both,” I said. She was the best friend I could ask for.
In the kitchen, I took out wine glasses while she dished the ice cream into bowls for us. It was a weird combination, but nothing else in my life was normal, so why the hell not?
With Lorraine in my apartment, I felt calmer already. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone. But I knew that it was more than that. I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to figure out what I felt at all, and I would be stuck in this limbo of confusion forever, not knowing which way to turn.
When we sat down with our ice cream and wine, Lorraine sipped the rosé and put the glass on the coffee table.
“Okay, who do I need to beat up?” she asked.
I smiled and shook my head. “It’s not like that at all. It’s Brian.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been remembering more things about him, and it’s scaring the shit out of me.”
Lorraine raised her eyebrows and reached for her wine again. So did I. It was all I’d touched so far. My ice cream sat on the coffee table, slowly melting. It was clear which I needed more.
“He was real,” I said to Lorraine.
“As opposed to?” she asked.
I shook my head. “You know what I mean. I told you about the time after the accident that he came to me and tried to tell me how much I loved him. I guess since I couldn’t remember any of it, I’d never really believed him. But now?” I took a deep breath. “I remember him. Not a lot, but a little bit. Enough to make me think that I really did care for him and that we did have something.”
Lorraine nodded slowly. “So, what now?”
I sighed. “Now, I don’t know. A part of me wants to see him. I want to talk to him all the time. But a part of me tells me to stay away. I’m scared I’m in too deep already.”
“Okay,” she said before sucking on her spoon. “Let’s say you don’t want to see him again. Why not?”
I shrugged. “Because I can’t be that person he lost.”
“Is he asking that of you?”
I thought about it for a moment before shaking my head. “Back then, yeah, I felt like he was. But not now. Now it feels like it’s just the two of us, and we’ve started over. Well, he started over. I’m at ground zero as it is.”
Lorraine took another sip of her wine. I had almost finished mine, taking sips between my sentences. My ice cream was turning into a thick soup.
“Okay, why do you want to see him again?” she asked.
I smiled at that. “Because of how he makes me feel. When I’m around him, I feel like not knowing my past, not knowing everything I’d forgotten, is okay. It’s just about who I am now.”
Lorraine smiled at me. “So, that’s good, right?”
I shrugged with one shoulder. “But I’m remembering things, which means there is more to this. And I don’t know. God, I don’t know what I don’t know. Does that make sense?”
“Relax, Sadie,” Lorraine said. “It’s fine to freak out about it. The rest of us freak out about new relationships like this, and we don’t even have a past like yours.”
I took a deep breath. “So, what do I do?” I asked.
“Tell me what you remember.”
I told her about the memories, the ones that had slipped through my fingers, and the ones I still had.
“I don’t know how to deal with it,” I said.
“If you ask me, you really liked this guy. Judging by the things you remember and the way you look when you tell me about them.”
I put my empty wine glass on the coffee table. I didn’t bother about the ice cream. Lorraine was still working on hers.
“What do I look like when I talk about them?” I asked.
Lorraine smiled. “Happy.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“But you said you were starting from scratch, right?” she asked. “If it’s just the beginning stages, see how it goes. You can always walk away.”
I breathed in and shook my head. “Not exactly,” I said.
Lorraine frowned. “He has to accept that this is like you’re meeting for the first time. If it doesn’t work, you have the right to call it off.”
“No, I know that. But I kind of slept with him.”
Lorraine’s jaw dropped. I felt my cheeks flush bright red, and I felt like a fool for blushing.
“You’re only telling me about this now? How long have I been sitting here, Sadie! Holy shit.”
I shrugged. I was suddenly shy.
“We need more wine for this,” Lorraine said and got up, bringing the bottle from the kitchen. She poured another glass for me and topped off her own.
“You have to tell me everything,” she said, sitting down again. “Now that I’ve taken a moment to wrap my mind around it.”
I chuckled.
“We went out for drinks on Friday,” I started. I explained to her how the night had gone, how I’d ended up at his house. I didn’t go into detail about the deed itself, but I told her about everything else, the cuddling and the ride home, everything.
When I finished, Lorraine’s ice cream was done, and her wine glass was empty. Mine was halfway there.
“How did you feel when you were, you know, doing it?” she asked. “And afterwards, obviously. How did the whole thing make you feel?”
“That’s just the thing,” I said. “The whole time I was with him, I felt like it was right. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t remember anything from before, but I felt comfortable, the way you feel at home. But when I’m away from him, I get terrified.”
“Hmm,” Lorraine said, thinking out loud. “Do you want my honest opinion?”
I nodded. “Always.”
Lorraine smiled. “Well, I think that you’re in love with this guy. Everything you’re saying about him and how you feel around him, that’s love.”
“But I can’t remember him,” I said.
“So? You can fall in love with someone you just met. It doesn’t matter that you have a history. You don’t know what it is, anyway.”
The words stung a little, but she was right. And it was possible to be in love with someone new.
“I’ve just been guarding myself for so long,” I said. “I don’t know how to open up.”
“It sounds to me like you’re doing just fine, miss sex-on-the-first-date.”
I grinned. “It wasn’t exactly the first date,” I said, and I was blushing again.
“Past doesn’t count, remember?”
I shook my head, trying to get rid of my blush. Lorraine was being so nice about it, joking and laughing and being there for me when I was panicked.
“Just give him a chance,” Lorraine said. “Who knows where this can take you? Maybe more of your memories will come back, too. Whatever you have with him now should be your starting point. The rest is a bonus. See it that way.”
I nodded slowly. I was starting to see where Lorraine was coming from, and when she put it that way, it made sense.
I couldn’t help how confused I felt, though.
“And what do I do about how lost I feel, and how confused I am? It never goes away. Not really. Not unless I’m with him.”
“That’s a sign, you know,” Lorraine said.
I shrugged.
“Besides, just take it day by day,” Lorraine said. “If it’s meant to be, it will be. There’s a reason he’s back in your life again. I mean, what are the odds that he became a pro player that trains at the same place you coach now? It’s a hell of a coincidence.”
I nodded. She was right.
She smiled. “And just between you and me, he’s fucking hot.”
“Lorraine!” I cried out, but I was laughing. She was right. He was hot. And rich and famous. And funny and interesting and clever and everything I might have wanted in a man. And he seemed to stick around.
Maybe Lorraine was right. I had to give it some time. After all, I wanted to see him again. More time was a great idea.
When Lorraine finally left, I felt better. Much better. I was positive again. Yes, I was still terrified, but that was okay. I could be scared. Who wasn’t with a new relationship when they had a past?
I just had to take it day by day.
Starting with today. I really wanted to see Brian again. I walked to the bedroom and found my phone. I had no missed calls or texts. I opened a new text.
I know it’s short notice, but do you want to come to dinner at my place tonight? My treat.
My heart beat in my throat while I waited for a reply. I was being forward. I was putting myself out there. I was doing things I hadn’t done in the last couple of years.
My phone beeped with a text from Brian.
Can’t think of a better way to spend a Monday night. I’ll bring dessert.
I smiled at the phone before I threw it on the bed and hurried to the bathroom for a quick shower.