Chapter 26 – Kina
I had a full work day to try and work through my anger with Jacob. As if what was going on in the tabloids and my probation wasn’t bad enough, Jacob suddenly had all these questions about who and what we were. I was trying to put out fires, and he was trying to light more.
I couldn’t do this. This was the reason I didn’t date. I already had Kyle to worry about, and now Jacob was a pain in my ass, even though we weren’t official.
I didn’t understand him, either. I was more than happy to just do sex. Sure, I had emotions, but it was easier to push them away and make it about being physical. Jacob was a man. Wasn’t that what men wanted?
But no, I was the only woman who had to deal with the guy getting serious when all I wanted to do was fuck. It sounded backward to me.
When I finally got out of the office, I was drained. It had been a hell of a day. Even when no one had said something, it had been in the air. It had been in the way everyone had stared at me, the attention I’d gotten that was so much more than what I usually got.
It was good to go back to my own apartment, a haven.
Or not. Kyle was at home, and he was pissed off at me, too. Great.
“I’m home,” I called when I walked into the apartment. No answer.
“Kyle?” I asked.
I walked through the living room and to the spare bedroom. Kyle’s door was closed.
“Kyle?” I asked again and knocked on the door. When he didn’t answer, I tried to open the door, but it was locked.
“Kyle, what are you doing in there?” I knocked on his door, rattling the door jamb. Fear coursed through me. What if it was drugs? What if he was in there, passed out or dying? What if I couldn’t help him?
“How about, instead of asking me what I’m doing, ask yourself what the hell you’re doing?” he shouted from the other side of the door. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wasn’t passed out or so high on drugs that he couldn’t string together a straight sentence. He sounded pissed off, but that meant he was mentally intact. Small blessings.
“Open up. Let’s talk about it,” I said.
“There’s nothing to talk about. You want to fuck around with Jacob, of all people, I have nothing to say to you.”
My relief disappeared, anger following in its wake.
“This is none of your business,” I said. “I can do whatever I want.”
“Or whoever you want, apparently,” Kyle said.
“Don’t be a brat, Kyle,” I said. “Open the door. You’re being childish now. If I’m old enough to act as your mother and take care of you every time you need to be bailed out of jail or saved from the street, I’m old enough to choose who I want to be with.”
Kyle laughed sarcastically. “You’re right. I don’t have a foot to stand on because I don’t have my life together the way you do. But I am still your brother, and the last time I checked, we look out for each other.”
God, I couldn’t remember when Kyle had last been able to look out for me. When he wasn’t high, he was drunk. I hadn’t seen him as someone to call with my issues since we’d been in college together.
“Do you love him?” Kyle asked.
I froze. I had no idea if I loved Jacob. I couldn’t say no, and that bothered me. But I couldn’t say yes, either.
“That’s none of your business,” I said. “My personal life has nothing to do with you.”
“Only the rest of the world,” Kyle said. “Or did you forget that your personal life is all over the internet?”
I shook my head. “I don’t need to remind you that you’re living in my house, Kyle. You needed help, and I was there for you. If you have an opinion, that’s fine. But telling me how I should live my life, lecturing me on who I am and what I do, that’s not acceptable.”
“Fine,” Kyle said and yanked the door open. His blue eyes were angry, his curled hair a mess. He had one bag in his hand, another on the floor. He picked it up and stormed past me.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Away,” he said. “You keep telling me how hard it is to take care of me when you’re not exactly a saint, either. I’m out.”
I walked after him. Kyle was headed for the door, and I was suddenly terrified I would lose him completely.
“Don’t leave,” I said. “You don’t have to go.”
Kyle didn’t respond. He walked out through the door.
“At least tell me where you’re going,” I said. How was I going to find him if he did something stupid again?
“Don’t you worry about me,” he said and just like that, he was gone.
I felt like I was splitting in half. Kyle was my twin, and we’d always had a connection. I knew his pain in ways that he couldn’t begin to imagine. It was one of the reasons I looked out for him so much even though he insisted on throwing his life away, because when he was hurting, so was I, and since college, he hadn’t stopped hurting.
But he was gone now. I didn’t know where he was. The unimaginable had happened. I had just lost my twin.
I closed the door and walked back into the room, my arms wrapped around myself like I could physically keep myself from falling apart. This was just all one big mess. Jacob and I were fighting, Kyle wanted nothing to do with me, my career was hanging by a thread, and I didn’t know how to fix any of it.
I sat down and took a moment to calm down. I could never think when I was upset.
When I managed to calm down, I found my phone and dialed Jacob’s number.
“Can we meet to talk?” I asked when he answered.
“I’d like that,” he said. “The beach?”
I knew what he was referring to. We’d been on a very secluded part of the beach when we’d had sex for the first time. The chances that we would be alone there again were good, and I needed that. I needed to be away from all the judgment, the prying eyes, the paparazzi and tabloids that made our lives seem like they were free for all.
I met Jacob an hour later, on the beach. He arrived after I did, wearing a cap and sunglasses. He came to stand next to me, and the beach was as quiet as before.
“This place has a lot of memories,” Jacob said.
I nodded. It wasn’t easy to forget about the connection I’d felt with him that first time, how right it had felt to get down and dirty with him, have him inside me.
“What did you want to talk about?” Jacob asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know what to do,” I said. Everything was a mess, now. Kyle had left, and I was upset. Jacob was the only person I could turn to, even if we weren’t doing very well.
“I don’t know, either,” he said.
“This is so unnecessary,” I said. “It’s hurting my career and my personal life so much.”
If only I hadn’t drunk that much, if only I’d controlled myself better. But what was it they said about hindsight? There were so many things I would have done differently if I’d known this was how it was going to turn out.
“I know it’s hard,” Jacob said. “Trust me, this isn’t my first rodeo. But it gets better. In time, they forget.”
“And my boss? He won’t just forget.”
Jacob shook his head. “Even they forget. Mine did.”
“You got suspended and then traded,” I said.
Jacob nodded. “You’re right. But I’m still playing football.”
I shook my head. I was getting irritated again. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear from Jacob at all. I didn’t know what it was that I did want to hear, but this didn’t make me feel any better.
“I can’t afford to be passed from one company to another. This was supposed to be my big break. Getting the high-profile football player was my promotion, so to speak. After I’d proven myself, you were my reward. And all that is crumbling, now.”
Jacob nodded. “I know what that’s like. The assault charge and being traded felt the same to me. It’s hard when you’re in the public eye.”
I nodded. I wanted to tell him the only reason I was in the public eye now was because of him, but I didn’t say it. See? I could control myself. It would only make things worse if I said that.
“I’m just so sick and tired of this, and it feels like it’s just starting,” I said. “It’s affecting everything.”
Including my relationship with Kyle, which hurt like a bitch.
“If it’s any consolation, it’s affecting me, too,” Jacob said. “But I keep thinking, what if I don’t mind? They can’t get to me if I don’t mind. They only have a hold on me if I let them have it.”
I glanced at Jacob, incredulous. “That’s great, Jacob, but I do mind. I can’t not mind. This is my life, and they’re tearing it apart.”
“It’s because you let them,” Jacob said. “They can’t touch you if you don’t care.”
I was angry again. That seemed to happen a lot lately. If I wasn’t upset or panicking, I was angry.
“How am I supposed to not care? I worked my ass off for this position, to do as well in my career as I was doing. And then you came along and everything changed.”
Jacob frowned at me. “It sounds a hell of a lot like you’re blaming me for this,” he said.
“We weren’t on the same level, Jacob,” I said. “It’s easy for you to bounce back because everyone wants you around. I can’t afford to be careless.”
“Is that what you think this is all about?” Jacob asked. “That I just fuck around because everything comes easy? You have no idea what my life is like, Kina. You have no idea how hard it is for everyone to hate me, for me to not fit in or be accepted. Don’t make it sound like you’re the only one suffering here.”
“Well, you just said you don’t care, didn’t you?”
Jacob shook his head. “What I said was that it was a choice to let them affect your life.”
I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew I was blowing this out of proportion and blaming Jacob for something that wasn’t just his fault. It had taken both of us to get to this point, after all. But I was angry, and I felt like my hands were tied. I hated being in this position. Everything in my life had always gone right, and this black mark on my reputation was something I couldn’t stand.
“You know what?” Jacob said after we stood together in silence. “I don’t have to be here and listen to you shove all the blame on me. I have a career and a reputation, too. I’m going to work on building that up, and when you’re ready to talk to me, one adult to another about what went wrong and how we can handle it, you call me. Until then, I think it’s best we stay apart, since we’re obviously not handling this as a team, together.”
He turned around and walked away. I wanted to call after him, but I knew he was right. I was trying to blame everyone else when I had done something wrong. I was wishing it would go away.
He had said we weren’t working like a team. A team of two. A couple.
Did he really want to be with me? I couldn’t help but wonder. But then my own answer brought me back to the depressing reality. Well, if so, it’s probably too late now.
I watched Jacob walk away from me, the second man in my life leaving me today. And it hurt like a bitch.