Chapter 28 – Kina
I shouldn’t have slept with Jacob again. After everything that had gone wrong, sleeping with him was probably the stupidest thing to do. I should have walked away from him, or rather, kicked him out of my car, and carried on with my life.
But I couldn’t. He was there looking so damned hot, so worked up by my anger and that turned me on, too.
It was a mistake, of course. Everything about Jacob was a mistake. The best mistake I’ve made in a long time. What did that mean? Was it more of a mistake, then, or less of one?
Something about him was so attractive, though. He drew me in a way that I’d never been drawn by a man before. I couldn’t stay away from him, couldn’t stop myself from sleeping with him. That was a problem. I had to draw a line somewhere.
We were in a lot of trouble. My job and his were on the line, and he was still my client. Fucking in my car where anyone could spot us would just make matters worse.
Even if I felt something for him. Yes, I admitted it to myself. Even if the parking lot had been completely deserted. Even if I didn’t want to date anyone right now because my life felt like it was falling apart.
Still, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t stay away from him, and I didn’t want to.
When I closed my eyes, his face when he came inside of me still flashed. I could still feel his skin beneath my fingertips, his dick inside of me as I rode him.
I shivered.
We hadn’t spoken about anything. We’d fought on the beach about something that we didn’t agree on. Jacob made it sound like my reputation was something that would fix itself, like my career was stable enough to handle this kind of pressure.
It was a different story for him. They needed him, and he would always survive rumors. My job was to not let my clients have rumors haunting them. Instead, I’d created rumors by my actions.
Jacob didn’t care enough about that, and it pissed me off.
I didn’t like that we hadn’t spoken about everything. It was unresolved. We disagreed, but we didn’t have any idea what we were going to do to fix it. We hadn’t discussed any steps. We’d argued and fucked, and that wasn’t like me at all. I was good at my job because I had plans, and I made them work step by step.
But that was all a moot point, wasn’t it? I wasn’t good at my job when I was the reason everything had gone wrong.
And that wasn’t even talking about Kyle and everything else in my personal life.
The phone rang, and when I answered, it was Lacey.
“How are you doing?” she asked.
Being a PR manager, too, she knew exactly what I was going through. She had been in the same position, in fact.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “It bothers me that I don’t know how to deal with Jacob. If we’re not fighting we’re … you know.”
Lacey chuckled. “I know. You need to talk about it, though. You need to tell him how you feel.”
I shook my head. “I don’t feel anything.”
“Sure.”
“I don’t, Lace.”
Lacey sighed. “Kina, let me tell you something. Lying to yourself only makes everything so much harder. I’ve been there, too. I don’t have to tell you how things were between me and Hanson at first.”
“It’s not the same,” I said. “This can’t be—”
“Your Mr. Right,” she finished my sentence for me. “I know. You told me. But Kina, what if it is? You’re just going to fight this, ignoring the facts that are staring you in the face?”
“I can’t do this,” I said. “Everything is already so bad.”
“So? Stop fighting it, then.”
I groaned inwardly. Not fighting it would just get me in a worse place. What if I was too busy, too caught up in my job or my brother’s issues or a myriad of other things, and I couldn’t make it work? Everyone needed a piece of me. What if Jacob wouldn’t let me divide myself up? No, I wouldn’t do that.
“I can’t do this,” I said again. “I just want to sort out everything that’s already gone wrong and then leave it at that.”
Lacey chuckled again. I wanted to ask her what was so damn funny, but I couldn’t pick a fight with her, too.
“I have to go, Lace,” I said. “Thanks for checking in. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
We ended the call, and I sighed. I did have feelings for Jacob. I’d stopped trying to argue with myself about it. Instead of telling myself it wasn’t true, I’d accepted the fact and decided not to act on it. Or tell anyone else.
I had too much on my plate. I had my career to save, my client to pull up, and Kyle wasn’t even speaking to me. After everything, I had to worry about him, too, because he couldn’t handle his own life. Where did I have time for a man?
Lacey would be right if my life were normal and Jacob was a normal guy and Kyle wasn’t a pain in my ass that needed constant supervision. She knew what she was talking about, but she had found the perfect guy, one who understood that her life would never fully belong to him. I wasn’t sure I could do the same with Jacob.
And even if I could, I didn’t think I would manage in a relationship. I was too independent. Jacob wanted attention, and I just couldn’t do it.
My phone rang again.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“Kina? It’s Sadie. I got your number from Lacey. I hope you don’t mind.”
I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see it. “No, of course. What can I do for you?”
“Oh, nothing to do. I just wanted to check in with you. I know how hard it is when you’re all over the tabloids. Trust me, I’ve been there.”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “I think the only good thing coming from this is the fact that I’m not the only one. I would rather it didn’t happen, of course, but it’s good to know I’m not alone.”
“You’re really not,” Sadie said. “Do you know anything about the issues Brian and I had before we started dating?”
“I don’t,” I said.
I only knew Sadie through Brian, who was on the team with Jacob.
“We were trying to keep things under wraps because I was so unsure about our relationship. The why is a very long story. Anyway, no matter how hard we tried to keep it quiet, someone always ended up spotting us, and we got published in the tabloids. It made everything a lot harder.”
I felt her pain. “I can imagine,” I said. “What did you do?”
“Well, this was because of Brian, if I have to be honest, but he confessed his feelings to me, and we came to terms with the fact that no matter what we do, we’ll always be in the paper. It’s like you’re giving a part of yourself up to the fame, but you don’t have to give them all of it. Does that make sense?”
It did make sense, but it wasn’t the same. There weren’t any feelings to confess. There was nothing that I could say that could be in the limelight or stay behind closed doors.
“I hear what you’re saying, Sadie,” I said. “I just don’t know how to handle it messing up my job. I mean, I know I was wrong in what I did. I can’t deny that. But my career is at stake now, and it’s a lot harder for me to deal with.”
“I know,” she said. “And I’m sorry to hear that. But Jacob is a great guy.”
I politely thanked her. We didn’t talk for much longer. We barely knew each other and didn’t have much to say. Besides, I had to get back to work, doing my job while I still had it.
When she hung up, one thing that she’d said stood out to me. Brian had confessed his feelings to her. Lacey was saying the same thing, that I had to tell Jacob how I felt.
But what if I didn’t know how I felt? What if I was scared that I felt something different than he did? That terrified me almost more than the idea of having to make it work between us along with all the other pressures in my life. I didn’t want to admit that part to myself, but I feared being rejected.
Did that mean I had more feelings for him than I’d thought? Was I too scared to risk it? God, so much drama, which was something I didn’t need.
I tried to focus on my work, to do what I was getting paid for. I had paperwork to go through, emails to send. I couldn’t think about it all. I was distracted, and I felt like my emotions were all over the place. I worried about Kyle, stressed about my career and wondered about Jacob.
And I would get nowhere if I didn’t talk this out. Lacey and Sadie were both right.
Dammit.
I hated when that happened. But now that I knew, I had to act.