Chapter 21
Malcolm
Ginger frowned as she watched me flop down onto a third couch. Shawn attempted to climb up to join me. This was the fourth store we’d been to in search of the perfect sectional sofa.
“Babe, come tell me what you think.” Sitting with my legs outstretched on the chaise portion, I patted the space next to me. Shawn sat in my lap, with his arms behind his head, and his legs crossed at the ankle mimicking my pose. “You like this one, buddy?” Shawn answered with a happy “yes.” “Me too. We just need mommy’s opinion.”
Shawn called out for her, arms outstretched. Ginger smiled and shook her head then moved the stroller so she could join us. Shawn quickly crawled from my lap to hers.
“Feels good, right?”
She sat back against the cushions, settling into the piece of furniture. “Yes, very comfy.”
“Think this may be the one.”
“Well thank goodness for small miracles. Shopping with you really shows you’re more like Macy than you want to admit.”
I sat up and placed a kiss on her shoulder. “I’ll try not to be offended by that comment.” I stood up so I could get another look at the couch. “I don’t think you fully understand how crucial the perfect couch is. This is not a decision to be made lightly.”
Shawn started squirming to get free. “Well, I think he’s getting to his limit. I see a nap on the horizon.”
I reached down for the fussy boy, swinging him up into the air. His happy giggles filled the store. “You need a nap?”
He shook his head before screaming out “no.”
I looked down at her, wearing a triumphant smile. “He doesn’t want a nap.”
Ginger rolled her eyes as she moved to stand up. “He never does.”
“Lucky for him I’m done.”
“How are you done? You’ve only picked out a couch.”
“It’s the only piece I care about really. The rest is up to you.” I leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Let’s order it and then head out.”
Shawn and I headed off toward the sales counter. Behind us I could hear her mumbling about how it took four stores only to pick out a couch.
Ginger took the empty seat beside me. “Leaving it up to me, I’m going to put you in a twin bed.”
I turned and smiled. “I’m okay with that. Just means we’ll be sleeping really close each night.”
A smile spread across the sales lady’s face. Ginger frowned at me, and tucked strands of her hair behind her ear. Either she hadn’t made time for a haircut, or she was letting it grow out again. I hoped it was the latter.
Shawn fought to get free, so I let him down. He instantly took off, running away from us.
“Or I could make you sleep on this couch you spent so much time picking out,” Ginger rebutted, and ran off to chase down her son.
After putting the stroller in the trunk, I walked up behind Ginger as she buckled Shawn into his car seat. I took a moment to admire how nice her ass looked in the jeans she wore before wrapping my arms around her waist.
“Da-da.”
I smiled at the happy, but sleepy little boy. “Gimme a pound, buddy.” Shawn balled up his tiny fist, stretching his arm out to me.
“You two.” She pushed me back once she was done with her task.
Stepping forward, I opened the passenger side door for her. “Your place or mine?”
She cast a glance back at Shawn, who was fighting to keep his eyes open as he drank from his sippy cup. “Mine.”
I opened the door for her. “Thanks again for coming with me today.”
She smiled. “Don’t thank me yet. You’ve not seen my bill.”
I closed her door and laughed as I walked around to the driver’s side.
When we got to her place, I parked in front of the garage. My mind briefly went back to the thought that behind those doors sat his cars. I pushed the thought away.
“Want me to carry him up?”
She shook her head. “No, but it would help if you unlocked the door.” She pulled her keys from her purse and handed them to me.
Like the seasoned pro she was, Ginger managed to get Lil’ Man out of the car and up the stairs without waking him. Since we’d skipped lunch, I rummaged through her fridge to see what I could fix. She got back downstairs just as I finished the sandwiches.
“Nice to see you’re not totally helpless in the kitchen,” she commented, taking the plate from my outstretched hand.
“This is nothing. I make a mean bowl of cereal too.”
She laughed. “So, basically all cooking is left up to me.”
That was the second time she’d made a comment relating our relationship moving to another level.
“It’s probably best, but I’ll always take clean-up duty. You know division of labor, partnerships, all that jazz.”
She smiled but said nothing as she sat to eat. We’d had a good day. She was relaxed during most of it, playing around like her old self. It was what I looked forward to, spending time with her and Shawn.
Reaching forward, I took hold of her hand, and ran my thumb over her knuckles. “You know, if it meant having you under the same roof, I’d happily sleep on my new couch.”
Her eyes widened before her brow creased in a frown. “I was joking when I said that.”
“I know, but just sayin’ it’s an option.”
She pulled her hand free, and got up to take her plate over to the sink. I followed suit. Stepping up behind her, I put my plate in the sink then placed my hands on the counter on either side of her.
“I need to go check on Shawn.”
I looked at the baby monitor sitting on the island. “I’m pretty sure he’s still sleeping. Can we just have one conversation about us where you don’t try to run away?” I spun her to face me, and circled my arms around her waist.
“I’m not!” She shoved my chest. “Let me go, Malcolm.” She shoved me again, and I released my hold. She quickly backed away from me, wrapping her arms protectively around her body.
“Shit, Ginger, I’m sorry. I just want—”
“I know what you want, Malcolm. You make it clear every time you can’t keep your hands to yourself.”
“Whoa, what? What the hell do you mean by that?” I took a step forward. She took another back.
She started massaging her temples, keeping her eyes down at the floor. “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about this again.”
“Talk about what again, because as best as I can tell you shut down any real conversation I attempt to have with you. And now you’re making comments about me not keeping my hands to myself. I try. Lord knows I try to restrain myself as much as I can when it comes to touching you, but damn...you kept his name. You continue to live in his house. Hell, you even have kept all his fucking cars in the garage. Please just explain to me why you are so hellbent on not moving forward, because I just don’t understand. ”
She refused to look at me. I watched, waiting impatiently as she took slow breaths and mumbled low to herself. “Forgive me if I’m not ready for some man to once again force me to give up my independence and move out of my home into a place of his choosing. Been there, done that! You ambushed me into this relationship—”
“I ambushed you?” I took a step forward. “Is that what you think about me? About us? You’re comparing me wanting to live with you to that fucker forcing you to? Is this a real situation right now?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was trying my damnedest to make her happy, to erase what he’d done to her, and she was telling me I was no better than him. How could she even compare us like that?
I took another step toward her, but Ginger put one hand up as a barrier, and the other clutched her chest.
“Yes...no...I...I can’t breathe…” She stumbled forward, clumsily trying to steady herself by reaching for the counter.
My arms went around her in support. I watched in shock and horror as she took huge gasping breaths. Her entire body trembled. What the hell was happening? Picking her up, I carried her over to the couch. Her fists tightened around my shirt when I tried to leave her.
“I need to call 9-1-1.”
She shook her head no. Against my better judgement, I stayed with her, kneeling beside the couch as she clung to me like a lifeline. I focused on being her support. Holding her shaking form as she took rapid breaths, forced me to keep my own breathing under control to get her through whatever the hell this was. Her knuckles were white, tears soaked through my shirt, and I prayed. I sent silent prayers to the heavens for this to stop, and for her to be okay.
The minutes ticked by, and I mentally kicked myself for being such an asshole. I kept my arms wrapped around her. When the trembling stopped, I let out a long, shaky breath. Her grip on my shirt loosened.
“I...I think I’m okay now.” Her voice sounded scratchy. She kept her head down. “You can go.”
“Go? Like hell! I’m not leaving you right now. What just happened?”
“Malcolm, please.”
I placed my hands on either side of her tear-soaked cheeks, making her face me. “You just scared the ever living shit out of me, and you think I’m going to leave?”
She closed her eyes, and fresh tears spilled down her face. “I’m fine.”
My jaw clenched. Taking a slow breath, I spoke, keeping my tone low and gentle. “Calida, stop shutting me out. Please. I’m not the enemy. I promise you.”
She opened her eyes, and looked down at her hands. I watched as she twirled the ring around her finger. “I...had…or have panic attacks.”
Disbelief. A million questions fired through my head. How long had this been going on? How did I not know? Did Macy know? How in the hell had she managed to hide this from me? She had panic attacks, and I’d just triggered one. I sat back against the leather ottoman, watching as she continued to twirl the ring around her finger.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” she said softly. “I mostly had them under control but…” she looked up at me, seemingly deciding on if she wanted to continue or not.
“But what?”
“They...they recently started again.”
Recently? As in the one she just had recent? “When?”
She shook her head.
I got up off the floor, and took a seat beside her. My hands covered hers. “When, Ginger?” The look on her face when she gazed up at me sent my stomach into a freefall. “It’s me. I’m the reason they started up again.”
I stood. She needed space. I needed space. Panic attacks. I’d caused her to have panic attacks. Fuck! Macy was right, Ginger wasn’t ready. I was causing her to have a relapse.
When she grabbed my hand, I looked back at her. “It...it’s not you. Not directly anyway. Hard to explain but—”
She was cut off by cries coming over the baby monitor.
I leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Go take care of him. I’m gonna get out of your hair.”
“Malcolm…”
“I’ll call you later.”