Chapter 33
Calida
I sat up, giving my body a good stretch. The sheet dropped, revealing my topless state. All of last night’s activities came flooding back. My desperate need to get out of my house. Showing up at Malcolm’s in the middle of the night. Begging him to have sex with me. I fell back against the pillows, pulling the covers over my head.
I couldn’t believe I did that. I’d thrown myself at him. God, I was so messed up! How was I supposed to face him? What was I to say? If I got lucky, maybe the house would swallow me whole, and I could avoid what I knew would be a terribly awkward encounter.
I couldn’t hide in his bed all day. Removing the blanket from my head, I closed my eyes against the sudden light change. It was bright, really bright. Turning, I saw the clock. 10:30.
“Shawn!”
Scrambling out of bed, I frantically searched for my clothes. How could I be so careless? I’d yanked him out of bed in the middle of the night, and I didn’t even ask where Malcolm put him. Jesus, I was starting to fail in the one area I worked hardest at. How could I let my issues leave me so careless toward my son?
“We can’t go that way. We’re gonna get shot.” I heard Malcolm say as I got to the bottom of the stairs.
I walked toward the sound of gunfire and Shawn’s happy squeals. He sat in Malcolm’s lap, hitting at the game controller as Malcolm attempted to play some game. He was okay. Relief was replaced with nervousness. Malcolm looked so at ease smiling, and playing with my son. What was I supposed to say to him after what I did last night?
“Thanks a lot, kid, I just took one to the head.” Malcolm smiled when he saw me. “Good morning.”
Shawn wiggled free, and climbed down to come over to me. I bent over to pick him up, and gave him a tight hug. The unconditional love of my little boy was what I needed right now. He didn’t judge me. He didn’t have any expectations. As far as he was concerned, I was his whole world.
“You want coffee or something to eat?”
I turned my attention to Malcolm. Shirtless, he only wore shorts, those same ones from last night. The ones I’d asked him not to put on. My eyes lingered for too long on those damn shorts. My face and ears got warm. I looked up to see him smiling at me.
“You keep looking at me like I’m a piece of meat, I’m going to start to question your intentions toward me.”
“What! I wasn’t.”
“It’s okay. I know I’m a fine specimen to behold.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. Cocky bastard. But that’s how he’d always been.
Shawn twisted, trying to get free. I put him down, and he went back to the mess that was the contents of the diaper bag scattered about the floor.
“Why didn’t you wake me? You didn’t have to get up with him.”
Malcolm strolled over to me. My stomach did flips. He reached out to smooth down strands of my hair. My hand went to my head, remembering I had terrible bedhead most mornings. “Sorry. I must be a mess. I was in a rush.”
He took my hand, bringing it to his lips. “I like seeing you like this.”
He kept a hold of my hand, running his thumb over my knuckles. His eyes searched my face. I didn’t know how to respond. A loud crash got our attention. Shawn had knocked down some of the CDs off the shelf.
Malcolm shook his head and laughed. “He’s been trying to get those all morning.”
Shawn smiled, looking very proud of himself.
“Maybe you should consider moving into the digital age and not keep those.”
Malcolm put his hand on his chest. “You wound me woman.”
I headed over to start cleaning up, and Malcolm went to the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. They need to go in order. Coffee?”
“Yes, thank you.” I moved to sit on the couch, watching as Shawn happily crashed the cases together.
Mal took a seat beside me. “I didn’t mind getting up with him. You were sleeping peacefully, and I didn’t want to disturb you.”
I took a sip of the dark liquid, frowning at the bitter taste. “Plain black?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know how you take your coffee.”
I got up to add some sugar and creamer to my cup. My thoughts went to what he said about me sleeping peacefully. Even though we were up late last night, I did feel rested for the first time in a long time. I looked up to see Shawn sitting on the couch next to Mal, resting against him while Malcolm looked for something on TV.
I returned to my seat, and Shawn climbed into my lap as we settled back to watch the children’s show Mal found. His fingers stroked the back of my neck. I turned to look at him; all playfulness was gone from his face.
“Are you okay?”
“I…I don’t know to be honest.” I took a drink of my coffee.
Shawn moved to sit between us, his head rested on Malcolm’s leg, and his feet rested on mine. I smiled at him before turning my attention back to Malcolm.
“Last night...I acted impulsively. The last few days, my world has gone haywire. Trying to deal with everything I’d not wanted to deal with.” I turned my gaze away, choosing to focus on Shawn’s feet.
Malcolm’s hand was on my chin, and he turned my head to look at him. I wished he hadn’t. The pained expression he wore filled me with remorse.
“Do you regret it?”
His question was unexpected. I’d been so off kilter since I’d gotten up. So much going through my head at once that I hadn’t fully processed anything.
Shawn laughed at something that happened on the screen. Malcolm turned away, and grabbed one of the throw pillows to put under Shawn’s head before he got up.
I reached out for his hand. “Where are you going?”
“To take a shower.”
There was sadness in his eyes when he looked at me. This was wrong. It was all so wrong.
I let go of his hand so I could move Shawn’s legs. He rolled off the couch and started dancing with the characters on TV. I took Mal’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen. I sat my semi-full cup on the counter and tried to reign in my conflicting thoughts.
“Malcolm, I—”
He put his hands up to stop me. “You don’t have to explain.”
“Yes, I do. Last night...last night I couldn’t sleep. Everything just kept running through my mind. The more I thought about things, the more upset I got. I started to feel suffocated and needed out of the house.”
Banging coming from the family room got our attention. Shawn was hitting one of Mal’s game controllers on the coffee table.
I ran over to take it from him. “Shawn, no.” He immediately fell to the floor in a fit of tears. I picked him up, trying to comfort him while starting to pick up the scattered items and shove them back into the diaper bag. “I’m sorry. He’s probably getting tired. I should take him home.”
Malcolm came over, and helped me pick up the stuff. “If you want to leave, I’m not going to stop you, but I would like it if you’d stay. At least until we can finish talking, because I would really like to not leave this unresolved.”
My first instinct was to flee, to take this chance at escape and run. Avoiding conflict and anything that made me uncomfortable had become the norm for me. I had to stop burying my head in the sand. Then there was the sadness in Mal’s eyes, the pain in his voice.
“Okay, but I need to get him to nap first. Where did he sleep last night?”
“There’s a playpen in one of the rooms upstairs.”
I left Malcolm cleaning up the mess Shawn made and took him up to the room. After twenty-minutes of fighting, he was finally down for a nap. When I got back downstairs, I found Malcolm sitting on the couch still only wearing those damned shorts.
“Are you hungry? You’ve not eaten anything yet.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry, not in the least. Too many nerves and worries going on to eat. I feared if I tried, I would only end up throwing it back up. He held his hand out for me. My legs were shaky, but I forced them to move. When I got closer, I slipped my hand into his. He closed his fingers around mine. They were a warm reminder of how good he felt when he held me last night.
“Thank you for staying,” he said after I’d taken a seat.
Our fingers intertwined. I focused on that.
I stayed. He wanted to talk, to resolve last night. I wished my stomach wasn’t in knots. I needed to talk. To explain, but I didn’t know what to say.
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“What question?”
“Do you regret what happened last night?”
“When I left my house last night, I didn’t have any idea where I was going. A hotel maybe. I just knew I needed out of there.”
I looked up. The intense focus of his hazel eyes had me squirming under the scrutiny as he patiently waited for me to continue.
“I ended up here. I came to you. I’m ashamed. Well, not really ashamed, more like embarrassed I begged you for sex last night. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what came over me. I...I just...”
I got up from the couch, overcome with the need to pace. This was reminiscent of my sessions with Dr. Carr; feeling that part of me that wanted to bare my soul, but the bigger part of me fought to keep a tight lid on the demons. I crossed my arms over my chest. I needed the protection, the cover, to compensate for how exposed I was at that moment. Naked. Bare. All defenses stripped away.
“You don’t have anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Not with me. Never with me.” He stood and walked over to where I was. “Can I hold you?”
A simple question, but one that hit me hard. A lump formed in my throat. I covered my face with my hands, trying to hold back the tears that burned in my eyes. I nodded. Malcolm pulled me into his arms. His body was warm, familiar, comforting. My head rested against his firm chest. The beating of his heart, a welcomed lullaby, making me feel something I’d not been for a long time.
Safe.
My fingers played with the curly hairs on his chest as I worked up the courage to open up to him. “I...I don’t know how I feel about what happened. I haven’t had time to process, really. I regret a lot of things, Mal. I’m not proud of how I acted, of how last night came to be. It’s a weird thing to regret something, but not regret it at the same time. I don’t really know how else to explain it. I told you, I’m a mess.”
I stopped talking. The more I did, the more I stuck my foot in my mouth. I was so confused and after spending years keeping things inside, I now found it hard to change that behavior.
Malcolm’s arms tightened around me. He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t care if you’re a mess, Ginger.”